9 Ways to FINALLY Let Go and Move On

How do you let go and move on when you don’t really want to?

How do you stop caring when all you do is care?

Every day on my calls, this topic of letting go and moving on inevitably comes up in our conversations. Today I’m sharing with you what my beautiful clients have taught me about what works and what doesn’t from their first-hand experience of letting go and moving on when it’s the last thing you want to do, but the only thing left TO do.

1. Write down every last thing he did that broke your heart.

On your prettiest paper, with your most colorful pen, write down all the ways he made you feel awful, all the things he did that hurt you, and all the reasons you knew you’d have to eventually let him go.

You’re going to remember all the good things about someone much more than you’ll ever recall all those things that made you feel sad and anxious and hurt.

If you write down all the bad things, you’ll have a reference when all the good things come up and you’re tempted to once again give him the benefit of the doubt or excuse his behaviors if only he would take you back and you could try again with him.

No, nothing’s changed. No, nothing’s going to change. It’s only that you’re so full of hope in his potential that it seems so much easier to go back to someone you invested so much of your time and energy and heart in than start over with someone new.

Let me clarify this for you, it’s not. I’ve got a long list of women who will confirm you this for if you need more reference points! Don't be one of them.

2. Ask a friend to remind you of all the times you went to her, heartbroken, over that other thing he did.

This is where your friends come in with all the support they’ve been saving up for you for this moment.

Ask them to remind you what it was like from their perspective to hear you crying over a guy who put you through so much and left you feeling like so little of your usual self before he came in the picture.

Ask them to describe it for you in detail. You need to see it for what it really was.

3. Make a list of all the ways your values didn’t align.

These are two separate lists.

One listing the things you value and another listing the things he values. The things that made up his world that he prioritized, and the things that made up your world that you prioritized.

After you’ve made you list, compare the differences between the two.

Can you see more clearly now the bigger picture of why your relationship was never going to be what you hoped it could be? This is reality.

Values matter. Similar values matter even more!

4. Set aside a specific time every day where you’re allowed to think about him as much as you want to.

The rest of the day, when he comes to mind, remind yourself that he’ll have time to occupy your mind where you can rehash and go back over everything at that time you’ve designated for him.

This gets you into the habit of having some sense of control over when and how often he’s allowed to show up into your consciousness uninvited.

You need to get your power back, and having him need to be invited by you before he can occupy so much of your time and energy and heart helps you to help him know his place. Even if it's all in your head.

5. Put him on a shelf.

This is my personal favorite and one of my coaching client faves as well.

If you put him on a shelf - figuratively, he has a place to go. If you have a spot on your shelf, you get to decide when to bring him down and when to leave him there.

There’s a feeling of being back in control here where he’s not out of sight, but he’s far enough away to be out of your head. You don’t have to keep thinking about him, afraid that if you’re not thinking about him, you’ve lost him forever – which can be really scary at this point in the letting go process even as it seems counter-intuitive.

You need a place for him to go and this will help.

6. Let yourself imagine you getting back together with him.

Go ahead and go there.

Pretend you’re back together and everything’s great. It’s your own personal fantasy world and you get to picture it, so do it up right.

Now ask yourself this, and make sure you answer the question honestly. How long do you think it’s going to take before things go right back to where they were when you needed to let him go in the first place?

How long til you’re right back where you started? How long till you can’t pretend everything’s just fine anymore?

Answer those questions honestly, and see how quickly that fantasy falls apart.

7. Don't make yourself let go and move on before you're ready to.

This is so important.

If you're beating yourself up for not being able to let go before you're ready to, you're going to feel like everything's wrong AND there's even more wrong now because there's something wrong with you because you can't let go of a guy who's not even a good guy!

But here's the problem with this. Forcing yourself to do something you're not ready to do almost always backfires on you.

You'll find yourself thinking about him AND beat yourself up for doing this. You'll find yourself wanting to reach out to him, maybe even making a plan for it, AND you'll hurl insults at yourself for even considering communicating with this guy again.

How does that help?

Has being hard on yourself like this ever gotten to the root of the problem before and actually changed anything for you? I didn't think so.

8. Give yourself a time frame to make a decision.

You may not be able to do this now, but you will be able to at some point when you have more clear information than you have now.

Give yourself some structure around ending the indecision and loose ends that come from loving someone who can't give you what you deserve and can't love you back with anything but his own terms.

How long? The shortest time frame you can realistically handle.

It takes a toll on you to be with someone like this, so having a time limit, knowing there will be a time when you will be strong enough - and clear enough - to finally let him go will go a long way to minimizing the effect loving someone like this has on you.

If you reach this time limit and you still don't see a clear path to letting go, give yourself a new time frame. This time much shorter than the one you set before, and repeat this process all over again trusting you now have more information than you did the first time.

9. Set boundaries.

One of the most telling things about your relationship is what someone does with the boundaries you set.

Someone who acts like they're not even there, or downplays them as if they don't really matter is not someone you want in your life! You'll find in your attempts to let go of someone that they most often resist your efforts to do this by not really listening to what you're saying, much less actively hearing your words when you draw your lines or set boundaries with them.

This is information that you need to recognize as being further evidence that no matter how much you believe or have hope that things may one day turnaround and you'll want to still have this guy in your life, how someone treats the boundaries you set, and by association, how they treat a new and improved you with boundaries, says everything about their true compatibility with you!

When you're not used to having boundaries, much less having someone respect them, you won't know this hallmark of a healthy relationship, but it matters and you need this information to confirm whether or not this is just a fantasy or something real worth holding onto.

If there's one thing I've never been more clear about in all my experience with the women who've been here before, it's that boundaries shine that light on whether this is a green light or a red flag.

There is no gray area on boundaries. He either respects you and your boundaries that come with you or he doesn't. If he hasn't for a long time, letting go isn't an option. It's a necessity for your own well-being!

I hope these find their way to where you need them the most, Beautiful.

In all my experience working with women all over the world just like you, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you WILL be able to let go and move on when you're ready. Remember that.

If you fear you'll never be ready, table this letting go process for now and simply focus on one or two things that you can do right now to take care of yourself and your own needs.

What do you need? If you're like most of us, you've probably been so wrapped up in this guy it's been awhile since you thought about what you need instead of him.

Remember you? Remember your needs - besides being there to please everyone else?

Come back to you! Focus on doing one little thing every single day to take care of you like you've been waiting for him to take care of you. Give that to yourself instead of waiting for someone else to fill in for you on their limited terms!

When you do this, everything gets clearer - even what to do with him!

So how about you? Are you hanging onto someone you need to let go of? Share your story with us in the comments below.