I see you, you know. Maybe because I've been you.
He treats you like he's got so many options you should be lucky he's paying any attention to you, and what do you do? You give and you give. And then you give some more.
He's a no-show. You track him down to make sure he's okay and when he finally answers you, you tell him you're the one who's sorry.
He doesn't call when he says he will. You get tired of waiting and send him a message only to hear back from him hours later that he worked late or fell asleep. You empathize with him and tell him you're sorry. You hope he gets some sleep.
Even when he ends it, you're telling him you'll always care about him and always be there for him. He doesn't say anything like that to you.
Even as he's walking away, laughing behind your back to his friends as he tells them the story. Still caring, still trying, still pining, still care-taking for his emotions, his fragile ego, his wounded younger self.
You can't save this guy, girl. You can't fix him. You can't make it all better. You can't love him enough to chase all his demons away.
No one can. Not even you.
And the reason why you can't is because that's not your role. He knows it. Even if you don't. He's not buying it, even if you do.
You're not a martyr. You don't have a never-ending supply of unconditional love that can keep on giving and giving and giving without ever getting something back in return. Even if you think you can. Even if you think you are.
Even if you try it, one day it'll catch up with you. Even if you're as close to perfect as you try to be. It'll never be enough to be with someone like him. For you, not him.
We've got to change this. We can't keep doing this to ourselves. See, right after we say these things, we're sobbing under the safe covers of our bed. Alone.
It's not your fault, Beautiful. It's the lie we were told.
Be more loving, more caring, more understanding, don't rock the boat, keep everything harmonious, hold your true feelings in. Be everything he wants you to be and when that doesn't work, show him you'll always be there waiting for him. That's how you get a guy.
Did you get a guy that way? A good guy?
Nope. Because they were wrong.
You were right. Your skin crawled when you catered to him. Your stomach couldn't keep food down when you tried to pretend you could keep doing this for him. Your head ached. Your body resisted. You couldn't eat. You couldn't sleep. You couldn't get up in the morning. Every part of you knew.
I don't know who I'm writing this for tonight, but I know you're in every corner of the world, from all different cultures, from all kinds of backgrounds, in all kinds of different situations and yet, we're the same.
I talk to you every day. The begging end, it's called. It's our default. Our comfort zone.
Waiting. Hoping. Bargaining. Playing games.
Someone else always has a say.
The irony is that we keep it this way. It's comfortable. It's acceptable.
And it's horrible.
I just want you to know there's hope. I was here. I see women who are here. I help them no longer be here. I hope I'm helping you not to stay here.
There's a much better place no one told us about because, well, they didn't know it either. Turns out, we were listening to the wrong ones.
Love you, girl. One day at a time. We'll get you out of this together
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? Did this resonate with you? Share your thoughts, feelings and stories with us in the comments below!
You are completely right and I am so glad you're sharing this message. I wish I had heard (and believed) this sooner. I am finally on the other side of a toxic 30-year relationship. I have recently been dating and it's a huge challenge to find a decent guy who wants a long-term and exclusive relationship. I know they're out there, but it's literally like finding a needle in a haystack. There are so many guys (and I'm sure girls) who just toggle in serial uncommitted dating and have no intention of changing or at least not until they are ready. I realized that sometimes the best thing to do is walk away. It's really hard, but it's the healthy choice. Thank you for sharing this and your program.
What if you don't text him do you know how men feel when you pretend you are a busy woman all the time.
Hi Jane, it's like your in my head....it's like I have a default button to be loving, giving, and never expect much in return. Your thoughts do help me see how useless this behaviour is. How pointless giving all my love to the wrong man....you always think they will wake up and realize how amazing I am.....
Thank you for the coaching it is gradually sinking in.....
So glad, Janene!
Jane, your advice always speaks directly to me. The reason for my pain is that I work with the man who has broken my heart and I feel his rejection every day. He treats me respectfully but will not discuss why he walked away. He says he has no answers for me.
"You're not a martyr. You don't have a never-ending supply of unconditional love that can keep on giving and giving and giving without ever getting something back in return. Even if you think you can. Even if you think you are."
I needed to me reminded of that. Thank you.
Oh Anna - we all do!
Yes this message hits home. When I try and tell him what's wrong or my feelings he gets angry with me. When I need him he won't come or he won't answer my calls, but when someone else does he is right there for them. I feel I have no value. I got him through a real rough spot in his life and he just blows me off. When I try to get him to just leave he won't says he loves me and we r meant to be together. Yes he talks to other girls, but I cant even think about having a Male friend. I am so drained. I have chased,begged. And pleded with him to show me respect and love me like I sud b loved. I have lost myself.
You feel you have no value because he's showing you exactly that, Wathin. He doesn't value you. Not because you're not valuable, but because he doesn't value who you are and what you offer him enough to show you that. This is why we always know the truth, but we don't want to believe it because all we want is him but the loving version we see or saw the potential of in him. Don't chase. Don't beg. Don't plead. That makes it all worse. Don't focus on what to do about him; put the focus on how you're going to go about valuing you!
I am forcing a relationship with someone who doesnt want to be with me because my codependency to them is so strong that I feel like my life is over without them. the thought of them not in my life makes me what to die. When they feel like they are pulling away it scares me and makes my anxiety go threw the roof. I feel helpless. I know it starts with self love and self worth.. i want to break free of feeling like i need him in my life. I dont know how. I feel crippled. I think the fact that I feel like if it doesnt work with him, i dont want to go through any more heartache that life isnt worth doing this over again. I am desperate for help and I have a therapist but its just not enough. I know I put all my life into a person and that is wrong, im aware, but now that I know it is not what I want to do, how do i break free from it?
Don't even think about him or what you're going to do about him right now, Kjk. This is your time. Bring this back to what you can control; you! A therapist will never be enough if they don't understand exactly where you're coming from and have walked in your shoes. This isn't it's him or someone else. It's him and it's you! The reason why you feel like it's over without them is because they have something you want to find in yourself. Desperately. If you don't what that is, ask someone who knows you so well what they think it is. Why him? Why of anyone you could possibly have chosen in this world, why did you choose him? That's a start. There is no "wrong" here; in fact, I'm wondering if that might be the bigger issues. Codependency is fueled by extreme views of justice and "right" and "wrong" and all kinds of other absolutes. I'm sure you're harder on yourself than anyone could ever be on you! Find the gray areas, find the places where everything doesn't have to be so draining filled with rules you have to abide by or risk the consequences that always feel so high. Self-worth and self-love are beautiful cliche words, but they don't come without the courage it takes to take the chance on you for a change that you take on everyone else, and especially on this guy. You need to make the path your own, not someone else's. Back up to before him. What was there? Who was there? How did you survive then? This is about something you need so badly that you're willing to put yourself through this as long as he doesn't leave you. That's the most beggingest position to be in. No one belongs there. But there's a definite reason you've chosen to be there, no matter how subconscious a choice it is!
Most of your emails resonate with me! I have not picked a good man since I started my dating career 20 years ago. I was fortunate with my last relationship that I finally found my value and kicked his butt to the curb. I am working on myself currently and will probably end up buying your book before I go back out there to try again or hopefully for the last time. I think I got me figured out this time around, mainly what I will and won't put up with, and hoping that spills over into meeting the one:)
Sounds like you're figuring out the most important part, Heidi. You've got yourself figured out. Now you just need to figure out who someone who's going to be the most compatible with you is. When you understand why you're drawn to the ones you're drawn to - and the reasons behind it, it all starts to make sense in real life. Let me know if you need any more info on my programs. Understanding why we do the things we do - him and you - is the most important part of doing something different. He may not know. But you can know! Be proud of yourself for how far you've come!
Oh man. This. I finally shed 240 pounds of abusive husband seven years ago. I ruined my nervous system trying to keep him happy and buried my intuition by refusing to see the red flags. When the intuition finally came back, it was like everything falling out of a closet I had been stuffing things into for twenty years..things that did not fit my narrative about my happy marriage. I don't honestly believe there IS anyone for me...but I'm SO MUCH BETTER on my own than I ever was with any man I have ever been with. I want to believe love is possible...but at least I have me now.
So define love, Stephanie. Maybe that's the only thing missing. If you're so much better on your own than you were with any of the men in your life so far, what kind of love - and with what kind of man - are you looking for?
This is so true .I used to feel that way but I do not anymote no yext no call and if two days go by and we do not communicate ,he is coming by and then i am not home he called.to let me know he is at my place and he wait or come to pick me up.Now there is not a day i do not see .but I am not sure what the relationship is He never invites to his place , he lives alone and I am alone too. His action to me is that of someone who has interest else where.Let me know what u think.
Suggest you go to his place since you always go to his and see what he does, not just what he says. If you think he has an interest elsewhere, in my experience, you usually know best!
Completely written just for me. He’s younger he has a son who lives upstate. We bought (I bought) a foreclosure to flip but he hasn’t even done the work on my own house I’ve been waiting months for and have kitchen cabinets paid for. I get bread crumbed with sex he’s a dismissive avoidant and I’m anxious attached and I just texted another friend saying I know unconsciously on some level I’m thinking about buying another house with a barn and toys to somehow secure this relationship.....we get along great, he doesn’t want to define it, I’m not allowed to ask questions who what where so I don’t. I pull back he comes. He runs I’ve learned not to chase. He’s loyal and seemingly my soul mate and texts and calls daily. But the construction business takes precedence and I’m in up to my knees now. I’ve become isolated bc I know my friends and family know I deserve better. Sometimes when I think back to being single I was happier bc I didn’t have all of this and him to contend with. I’m not sure he’s a narcissist but he is terrified of losing himself and being controlled by a woman again after losing everything so he says three years ago. I don’t think he had intentions of getting close to anyone again but it’s a year later....
At least you can see it, Jessica. He's not going to change. The only question to be answered is what you want to do knowing that, where do you go from here?
I received this email and as I read it I felt as though Jane was really seeing every single emotion that I was feeling and that she knew exactly what I was doing to try and save this relationship. This was a powerful email form me.
Wish I didn't, Jamie. But honestly, seeing it is the only way to get through!
Oh I’ve been this girl for 5 years. Even after our relationship ended he insisted on a friendship- on his terms- I was still walking on eggshells, demeaned humiliated.
I hoped that if I couldn’t make us work at least our friendship will. I still loved him thinking my staying and taking it would prove it. And oh did he question my loyalty . The migraines , the throwing up , the headaches, sleepless nights, crying so hard I thought I was going to black out .
Now we’re separating for good.. I’m still being emotionally and financially blackmailed.
This is real. Even though they make us think it’s all in our head and we’re making things up. It’s not worth the price.. there is no prize at the end of the suffering . Just the realisation that you abandoned yourself for an illusion.
This is real .. thanks for putting into words what I struggled to communicate even with myself for years! Thank you 🙏
Wow five years? One year has really taken a toll. What are they? I can’t diagnose him. He’s a child a man super smart obnoxious avoidant the second luted me in but he couldn’t care less. I picked up prescription pills to not feel. Short lived thank god and did MORE work on myself but I feel like I can’t live without him he’s extremely thought out has five cameras on property has to make the plans stopped giving me compliments 2 mos. in as I could’ve dated 49 diff men I chose him and he hooked me. It’s his air of indifference and non conformity that gets me. It was the sex but now it’s mental and then I use sex as a connection bc he can be very present and very distant.
Yes Five years!! There was no physical relationship after the first year as the r,ship had ended but the mental/emotional torture was the same in the 'friendship'
The compliments, the push pull, the indifference, bordering on hatred and then the love bombing and telling you." youre too sensitive".... It was just in your head.
I know the feeling of not being able to live without- and im ashamed to admit this I have felt this way too. I heard him say I go for strong women.. just to break them down. Yes They are child-men, oftentimes malicious, they don't have the innocence of children.
You're right, TR. There is no prize at the end for all the suffering. That's the injustice of it all. So glad it resonated with you!
Ive been with a man for almost 4 yrs as his fwb o ly after 4 years i dont even get benefits.i love him he doesn5 love m3 and 8 kmow it .but i still come runn8ng when he says jump .um trying now to walk away and just tolerate is selfishness.he loves his dohs more than any living thing including me .i wished i had the strenght to runthe othrr way im suffering from a broken heartt and still stay im.so stupid
It's never as simple as you're just stupid, Penny. Don't let words like that rest on you! You're a beautiful, caring, loving soul who deserves to be loved just like the rest of us. You have choices, that's all. And you've made a different choice for now than the one you wish you'd made. Don't beat yourself up. Just make a different choice now as soon as you can!
Thank you for that email. That meant a lot tonight.
I'm glad it resonated with you, Alison. You're so welcome!