I've written a lot about fathers. Especially about how it's our primary father-daughter relationship (or lack of one) that sets the stage for who we're attracted to when we're older.
Our entire understanding of the emotionally-available man is built around the type of relationship we had with our dads.
And so today, as I called my own dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day, I was reminded of what I've come to know for sure over the almost 2 decades since I've been with my husband now, a man who couldn't be more unlike my dad.
I know my dad did the best he could with who he was and what he was taught when I was the little girl I used to be.
See, there's a process we go through when we first realize the cause of so much of our pain is because we're chasing after a mirror version of what we were missing in our relationships with our dads.
If your dad wasn't someone who sought you out, who pursued you, who came to you instead of you always having to come to him if you wanted a relationship with him, you won't think twice about chasing after men now.
If your dad wasn't someone who met you where you were on your own terms, but required you to meet his terms for connection if you wanted to feel loved, you'll find it natural to keep meeting someone on their terms now.
If so many characteristics of your dad can be found in the men you're chasing now, you know why.
But what I've learned - what I now know further along on this journey - is that you don't need to continue punishing yourself or him for what he won't see and what can't be changed now.
It's enough to know why. It's too much to stay here.
When I first realized where my chasing of these unavailable men came from, I was so angry at my dad. I confronted him and of course he didn't get it, he couldn't understand. He listened to me. But he couldn't give me what I was looking for.
He was sorry for what I was going through. But he didn't run to me and take me in his arms and tell me how sorry he was and that from that day on, make an effort to change.
It was only me who had woken up. Not him.
My dad was the typical dad who had an even more emotionally unavailable man as his own father. Everything he gave my sister and I was more than he'd ever been given.
When he stopped giving me hugs when I reached puberty and developed breasts, I realize it was because he didn't know and hadn't been told what to do when you have a daughter who's becoming a woman right in front of you, when you've never known what to do with women or girls at all. He didn't know that was actually when I needed him the most.
When I look back and can't recall a single time he ever reached out to me instead of me reaching out to him, I realize it wasn't because he didn't want to, it was because it never even crossed his mind what a girl might need, what a daughter might need, because he had never thought this was an important thing a dad might need to do.
I'm sad for all of us today as I think about how much our dads didn't know, how much they didn't seek to know, and how much our culture perpetuated the idea that fathers keeping a distance from their daughters was somehow not the absolute worst thing they could ever do.
I have compassion now for my dad like I never used to have. And when I remember how little I saw him or really knew him as a child, I also realize how much he missed out on me.
There's a difference between finding out why and using it to understand why you do the things you do, and why you're attracted to the men you are, and using that information to change the way you live your life, versus staying in the "why?" and blaming someone else for what neither of you can change.
You, because you can't change who he is or what he does, and him, because he won't or doesn't know how to.
It's different now. It's changing. And I'm so grateful for that.
My husband seeks out my daughter. Not because his own dad ever modeled that for him either, but because he has an open heart and an open mind that listens to me now when I tell him what a little girl needs.
You may not be able to change the past, Beautiful - and I'll meet you there and grieve with you every time - but today's a new day and tomorrow will be another new day with another chance to learn from our pasts without staying there any longer than it takes to choose to take who we used to be to become who we want to be now.
Don't stay in the past. Come with me to a new future. It gets better from here, I promise you!
Love,
Jane
If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you in the comments. I have a feeling we share the same heart.
This is so very true, Jane. I love the way that you have expressed it. I am so very grateful for your wisdom to help us to make up the difference now that we’re older, as we can see through adult eyes what was truly going on. Our fathers and our parents did the best they knew how and we do have the power to change in us what we can. Sometimes it’s no little job but it is so worth it.
I am and have been recognizing these areas where I have chosen similar men in the past or unavailable men which I ended up having to chase - and always hated that because my dad did teach me to not chase boys. I am happy to say that for the first time I feel I am involved with a man who is healthy and does the pursuing and would call me out on it if I acted insecure or not myself because I know he would sense that’s not the real me and I would not be trusting him and the process of our relationship. But more importantly, it’s what’s on the inside of me now that I didn’t have before. I have learned to accept those parts of me that didn’t feel enough as a little girl and even through my teen years, therefore searching for that for most of my adult life. I don’t blame my dad or anyone for it but when the insecurity comes up, I try to find the root of it and heal from it. Was married at 19 to another man for many many years who just excused all of my flaws so I didn’t grow until I became single again.
Every day is a fresh new start and an adventure and I am so grateful for it. Thank you so much!
Love hearing this from you, Diana. You're absolutely getting this and I'm here for it! ❤
Brought tears to my eyes.
So absolutely true for me.
Feeling you, Renee. My heart goes out to you.
This spoke to me even more than I expected it to. So much of this is absolutely true for me...my past with my Dad, our current "relationship", and how I am handling love as an adult in my "dating" life.
I am a single Mom to 2 boys. I'm curious if you have thoughts about how this past can impact how we as mothers are to our boys. What is it that you see our boys needing from us? I speak to my 15 year old about the importance of always being honest and kind and respectful to girls. He is. I truly appreciate you and am thankful that I stumbled upon you in this time of my life when I really am needing a "friend". Thanks!
More than anything else, I'm a friend, Mandy. So glad that came through! I can tell you from my experience with all the single moms I work with that we become better moms for what we've gone through. We're aware, awake and we absolutely understand what our primary role is for our sons to be the ones who give them a soft place to fall and a place they can safely feel every one of their feelings. The best thing you can do for then is to be as real and honest with them about the culture and what they see. Your example is worth so much more than words and the way you communicate with them and with men in general owning who you are and where you've come from and encouraging them to do the same, matters more than lectures or reprimands. Connection is everything. Meeting them where they are is tantamount to anything you could teach them. The greatest compliment I've ever received from my own now teenage son was when he told me how he would describe me is that I would always want him to express his feelings. Place more value on how they feel more than what they do or how well they perform and they will come to understand that value for themselves. The concurring stories I hear from my clients give me such hope, Mandy. We're raising a new generation of boys. ❤
Had my breakthrough years ago, figured out the emotional need I was trying to fulfill. If I could get an emotionally void human to love me, then I’d have value and worth. Met the man who finally could give me the affection I so craved and chased him away with insecurity and fear as I had just lost my mother and my children left the nest. The past experience is showing up as men strong in giving emotions are weak in their work ethic and also needy and the men strong in their work ethics are weak in their ability to show affection. Much gratitude to you.
Thank you, A. And it sounds like that past experience is ready to be replaced with a new present experience that no longer needs to show up like this anymore to attract your attention.
Thanks so much! That was an amazing insight. I have definitely been learning that the hard way after my 19 year marriage with a covert narcissist. Thank the Lord, he cheated n divorced me 5 years ago when I had a brain injury. I have been healing from all of the above since. Your blog has definitely helped in that process!
Glad to hear it, Amy. Joining you on that "hard way". You're in good company here with that one. Grateful you found your way here!
Spot on!
I realised once when my ex and my father were arguing that they were, essentially, the same person with the same criticisms and way they made me feel mocked and inferior.
It took me a little longer to find someone who loved everything about me but still can have avoidant tendencies. It took articles like yours, to realise it’s down to his fear after abandonment as a child and nothing to do with me.
I enjoy your writing immensely.
Aw, thank you, Jo. Nothing to do with you at all!
That was a great read...recently I was able to go through my moms photo albums from the 70’s she passed April 2019. My parents divorced when I was a freshman in college.
I found so many pictures of my parents in love you g and happy pregnant and sooooo many pics of my dad holding adventuring biking and loving me happy and unrestrained. I cried like a baby. I needed to see that unbridled love and affection always as a young girl into teen I questioned his live and felt i was always chasing my dad.
My mom made me her best friend and I knew way too young about his infidelities. He’s passed now and I too forgive him and came to feel at peace with seeing these pics and letting my little girl inner child be at peace that I was loved and of course I sought men like that my whole life just with different faces.
Thanks for sharing this glimpse into such a beautiful healing experience for you, Jessica. I'm so glad you had this opportunity to see him like this, if only in old photographs. " Just with different faces." - Oh how many of us can relate!
You nailed it with me and my relationship with my father.
Had a feeling. I was crying when I wrote this which made me realize it was someone else's story too. Love knowing one of us was you, Ansley. ❤
Everything you’ve said resonates with me so much. 💓
Thanks for sharing, Alexandria. So glad you're here with us, too.
The first man I lived with after my dad was very like him,in looks, his knowledge about women,we broke up after 15 years with him not treating me properly. The next was a husband and when I look back he looked the opposite but I pulled out of him abuse and violence.As I continue on my journey, I seem to now attract more wholesome men who are there for me. Perhaps I am standing up for myself more and wont take the crap,and looking after my own welbeing and loving myself more. Its all a process of coming back into the feminine/masculine balance.
That follows the pattern, Fran. Leaving the past behind as we find our way back to ourselves first, onto a better more compatible version of a man with who we're becoming now!
Thank you! This was quite insightful and I appreciated it.
So glad, Roxane. And I so appreciate you being here for this, too!