Our letter this week comes from Micah, who's wondering why she's still looking for validation from one of the worst guys she's ever been with, and why it still matters to her that she hears from him.
Here's her letter and my response below...
Hi Jane,
I'm having weird feelings about my "boyfriend" who moved away.
Normally, whenever I'd think about an ex or him, I couldn't help but long to be together again, the thought of having just one more time and how I'd do things differently - the whole 9 yards.
Whereas today, with him, I don't even get to that sad place.
I'm reminded of how everything he ever said and did was a lie. It's not enough to say I get mad when I think about him but more so, uninterested - can't be bothered mentally.
Though lately, well, I've been in a mad mood. A lot of people have been hearing from their exes and so naturally he's been on my mind, as each month goes by, it's a reminder how someone I cared for cared so little about me.
It's shitty.
It feels like he could remember a stranger or someone he bumped shoulders past before he'd ever remember who I am. I shouldn't care but I do, in parts because of him but in others, because of me. Somehow, I attracted a toxic person like him into my life, which leads me to think, I must also be toxic and that is what I deserve or deserved.
It also may sound like I still miss him, and maybe in certain aspects I do, but really, the only thing I'm yearning for is to feel human and that I matter. Acknowledged, really...a simple "hello, hope you're doing well" would suffice.
It's the common and decent thing to do, especially when you leave your significant other to move to another country. I'd feel more of a person if I got that from him. More worthy. And less whatever the type I must be to have been with someone who can get on a plane and never speak to me again.
Someone who's okay doing that, knowing it hurts me, someone who cares so little I may as well not exist. Quarantine has made us remarkably in tune with our relationships and reflective toward the people in our lives.
It's sad to me that even in a world crisis he can't just say hello.
I'm aware that he's the worst but why do I still care? Why do I let him affect me? Why do I still need his validation and what do I think his validation will do for me?
-Micah
My Response:
It's because he's the one who took it away, Micah, and psychologically - in your mind - that makes him the only one who can give it back to you. It's not true, of course, but that's how it feels. That's why you have to take back your power first to let go of your need to get this - or anything else - back from him.
And yes it is sad - so sad.
But it’s not going to change him and it’s not going to change the outcome of what happened and make it different, and most of all it’s not going to bring him back to wanting to be with you.
Accept that it’s sad. Accept that this is what he was capable of and only what he was able to give you, but for the time it lasted, you had the opportunity to believe in love with this guy. And when it stopped happening and when he left, that was your eye-opener.
Where he left was as good as it was ever going to be.
You care because you feel, because you’re capable of feeling deeply for another human being and believing in the potential of every one of those human beings. His worst wasn’t all of him or you would never have been with him in the first place.
You wouldn’t be feeling so much still now if that was all he ever was. He had his redeeming qualities, too. Even the worst human beings do to those who are looking to see them.
It affects you because, well, that’s the point.
You can be affected only because you’re this beautiful, open, caring, empathetic, sensitive human being! And that means we sometimes - or even most times - give away far too much of ourselves until we learn how to be in our skin comfortably and honor ourselves while setting boundaries that protect us enough to keep us from hurting more than we feel peaceful and loved.
It’s the dark side of loving so much. We often love the wrong ones for us. Sometimes, they’re the worst ones we could find.
But the other side of this, Micah, is that when you’re with the right person for you, these same qualities within yourself that make you feel so bad and sad and mad and hurt and unworthy, are going to make you feel so loved.
The difference? You’ll be with someone who’s actually right for you.
Your best qualities are going to be the best qualities with someone who’s actually on the same page as you and looking for someone just like you. To anyone else, they’re the annoying or too much things about you. But they won't be to him.
You need his validation because you’re hoping he can restore your hope in humanity in a personal way and make you feel like you matter.
See, he took this part away with him whether you realize it consciously yet or not. You made this about humanity and your worth and the bigger picture of what makes a human being matter. He wasn’t having that conversation, but you were.
Actually, Micah, I think that’s why he was so horrible to you. He knew what it was about and you held up a mirror to him and he resented you for it and couldn’t help himself so he made you bad to try to feel better himself.
But when that didn't work, eventually the only way to make those feelings go away was to leave.
That’s not on you. But it’s why you feel so deeply. This isn’t about a relationship. It isn’t about a guy. It’s about worth. Yours. And mattering.
Again, you.
Are you seeing this more clearly now? You’re hoping being validated by him will make you matter, will make you human, will make you worthy. And it can’t come from anyone else because no one else took it away like he did.
But he’s the last person who can do that for you because the irony is he’s actually looking for the same thing you are; he just can’t tolerate that possibility in himself so he absolutely can’t tolerate it in you!
Why else can someone be so incapable of the bare minimum – saying hello in a pandemic?!
Much love to you. I’m so sorry it couldn’t be different. But why it couldn’t be, wasn’t up to you.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you have to say to Micah? Share your thoughts, advice, and words of encouragement in the comments below.
I was so bullied as a kid, that it has left me feeling really bad about myself. So I look for that "validation" in men. If they say I'm pretty then I must be pretty. Only pretty girls get boyfriends. I have been in a bad relationship for a super long time. He lies and cheats. Won't commit to me. Has another women that he sees. But I put up with it rather then being alone. What is wrong with me? I guess I just don't feel good about myself.
Peel away the layers of what it means to you to be "alone" and why you're willing to risk the compounding effects of being in a bad relationship instead of dipping your toes into the possibilities of what might come from being on your own. There's no worse feeling of being alone than being alone in a relationship. Picture what freedom from feeling bad might feel like to you. And please stop believing there's anything wrong with you, Kelly. There's nothing wrong with you and as soon as you're ready to find that out, you'll see what we all mean.
Maybe its because there is no one else in your life right no. That's how it is with me. I am seeing a guy who is just awful to me, treats me like crap. But I stay cause there is no one else. You also want to feel loved by a man....even your ex who was not good for you, I get it.
As much as it pained me to leave my ex I did because it pained me even more to continue staying in a relationship where he didn’t value me, respect me nor love me. There comes a time when enough is enough and you have to look out for YOU because no one else will. The wrong man won’t but some day the right man will and that’s the day we will realize that we made the right decision to leave. Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone.
Men really suck!!! Some are just downright mean, avoidant, selfish, narcissistic assholes!!! I’m reading some of these comments and it just validates who men really are. I’ve yet to meet a genuinely loving nice man who sticks with you through thick and thin. There’s always something behind their niceness when they are nice. Don’t be fooled!! As soon as the going gets tough they change and they get going. Shame on them for ever hurting a woman. We are supposed to be God’s gift to them and they mistreat and abuse us all the time!!! I’d rather be alone than to be with a total jerk asshole. That’s just being no man or half a man. I want a whole man. A true gentle man. I don’t think they exist.
Almost every story here resonates to me. Micah, you’re not alone in your feelings about wanting or needing to feel validated, worthy and that you matter. Something I’m learning is that there are men out there that are narcissistic and they can’t help it because they don’t know empathy and come across as cocky and selfish.
Best thing that could’ve happened to you was for him to leave as far away from you as possible because you don’t deserve a man like that. You deserve a man that loves, respects, honors, cares for you. He left because he is not capable of giving you all that you deserve. Some day he will be in a situation where you come to mind and I can bet that he will regret not showing you the best of him. Someone out there will be his karma. And not that I’m wish bad on anyone but the universe has a way of bringing things back to the person who manifested wrong doings.
Some day the right man will come into your life and you will be grateful that it didn’t work out with the wrong guy. In the meantime do you. Enjoy getting to know you and don’t ever settle for less than what you know you deserve.
Je veux son corps , son amour, ses attentions, sa tendresse, ses caresses. Je veux qu'il me désire.
I have experienced similar situation with the love of my life, leaving the country in midst of this pandemic. He is not communicating when I have reached out over the last several months. I am struggling with why he can just let go, and why my heart feels shattered and aching. I am doing some work on attachment styles, learning to understand this avoidant attachment style. I agree with Jane, that our empathic intensity, open emotions, mirror to these partners what they are incapable of, thus the lack of contact and communication. The grief and sadness are difficult to sit with, but I know that is essential in healing. In the meanwhile, I am working on my anxious attachment issues, and learning to grasp that I am enough , and will be not too much for the right partner . I wish you inner peace and more understanding, there are good and bad days. I am doing yoga, also as a means to calm myself and it helps me to still and move inward . Best to you.
I can so relate to this Micah! I’ve been in a similar situation this whole quarantine with an ex. I love your response Jane, it was really helpful to me too. I just wasn’t sure exactly what you meant in your third to last and second to last paragraphs. Can you clarify that? Thanks!
You can’t force a man to love you the way you want to be loved. If it can’t come from them than you must let it go. Otherwise you will constantly have to prove that you are worthy of his love. You are worthy just by being you. If he doesn’t see you and love you for who you are than he isn’t going to be right in a loving relationship with you