So, Beautiful, we need to talk about this guy who shows you so much potential but so little else. It's the conversation we never want to have, but we have to.
Too much is at stake. There's too much to lose.
For you.
I don't care about him right now. I care about you.
I spend most of my time on the phone, over Zoom, and on my laptop talking about him. Yesterday, I spent a couple hours answering an email coaching letter saying everything I ever wanted to say to someone on this topic and it made me realize this conversation is long overdue.
I've tried so hard to be gentle with you, bringing you up to your own level of awareness so you can see this for yourself. But the letter I read today broke me.
She's so young with her whole life ahead of her. She's wasted years - not months, but years - already on a guy who keeps giving her false hope. Gently, tenderly - all under the guise of friendship - playing her by bringing in words that we live for, words we all but hold onto, "if it's meant to be, it will be", "you're the sweetest person I've ever known" and "I love the friendship we have."
It was just one woman, but her story is one I've heard over and over again. It's the same one I lived through back in my own single days.
While he dates others, while he flitters in and out of your life, while he smiles that innocent but not so innocent smile of his, making you feel like this is somehow all about you.
That's why today, I'm talking directly to you.
So you can hear the truth.
No, he doesn't change. No, he doesn't get better. This is as good as he's ever going to be.
And yes, before you ask about it, that's even with therapy. Because you would not believe how many women I've worked with whose men in question are in their own therapy.
Counselors and therapists help, but the real work has to be done by him. And if you're reading this, then you know he's more interested in finding crutches for his issues than doing the work of a real, lasting fix.
These are the men who've had every reason to come around and make that commitment. They've suffered the loss of their fathers, their mothers, their children, their livelihood, their health, almost their lives.
They've had every reason to wake-up and do the deep inner work of finding out why they've insisted on blaming everyone else, playing the victim, refusing to look within, and yet even now with this latest last thing (whatever that might be for them), nothing changes.
Nothing.
When they were younger, they had so much time and weren't ready and weren't serious enough to be ready. Or there were always enough women who hadn't yet learned that it was up to them to raise the bar if they wanted to see different behavior in men instead of just continuing on with the status quo, allowing yet another place for men like this to go without any accountability at all.
Nothing changed, and especially not them, because they didn't have to.
And more significantly, nothing changed with us either.
We learned that if we kept excusing them and their behaviors, it kept them coming around. If we kept looking for the reasons why their behavior could actually made sense, it was easier to blame ourselves instead of fighting with them.
Easier over years never equals easier on us when we look back and see what we could have done with those years and we realize what we didn't do with them instead.
We're still here. And look, he's still here, too. Doing what he wants. Living his life on his terms. Half in, half out. Never really ever here.
Yes, it's tragic. Yes, it's sad.
Epic sad.
But you know what's even more tragic?
Us, pining away. Hoping. Waiting.
And never fully moving on from men like this because we believe in a beautiful thing called love.
Real love is what you're here for, not this kind, Beautiful. And I'm pretty sure it's going to be a lot easier to find when you're not spending so much of your life waiting for someone like this to finally see what he's been looking at all along.
Someone who's going to be amazing with someone else who doesn't just use her, but loves her because he's actually capable of loving her in the first place.
That's real. That's honest. And yes, that's love.
Love,
Jane
Does this sound familiar, Gorgeous? Share your own story with us below in the comments!
I read so many of your articles and relate, this one hit me hard though. I have been chasing the same man on and off for the last 10 years. At this point ive accepted that he is more of my addiction than anything else. He has torn me down to the absolute lowest points of myself, and built me back up to the best version of me. When i am with him, rather than having the courage to stick up for my self and speak whats on my mind or tell him how hes made me feel, I fold and just enjoy what little time he allows me to have with him, its literally like having amnesia. We run in the same crowd and all our friends are linked so cutting him out completly has never been a true option for me. He just moved to a different state 6 months ago, and I have found myself spinning my wheels. Not leaving my home bc i dont want to see people we used to hang out with together, they always bring up him and I. Or I am reminded he is genuinely gone. I have never had such an intense chemistry with anyone in my life, however I have been treated better by many. I tend to make excuses for him alot, and am always defending him to our friends. yet never recieve the same courtesy in return. I am slowly weening myself off of my addiction and am genuinely progressing by cutting him out of my life blocked on all platforms etc. However I will be walking with him in a mutual friends wedding come September, and i am mortified that all my progress will be for nothing, any advice would be welcomed at this time!
Hold your head up high, Kimberly. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, time to create the life you deserve! Yes, you're describing an addiction, and we can look back into your history and see why he was the perfect match for you, but at the end of the day, it's about what you do now. Your progress won't be for nothing; we've got a lot of time between now and September to make you into exactly who you've always been, because without all this energy chasing him for the last ten years, you can use that energy on the most important person of all, you. Who were you before you met him? What were your dreams, your plans, your goals? The big picture vision to the details - what did you see? What do you still see? The intense chemistry was always because you could never have him; men like him can't be had. What he does so well is create an illusion of availability, an illusion of possibilities, and yes, like this post, the most toxicating illusion of all - the one of potential. We can do this; one day, one step at a time. Don't jump ahead to September with everything we're going to do in between!
Thank you Jane! I agree completely im pretty sure you are spot on, i have always seen potential in him and I. Too many love movies and no real concept of reality! I am still struggling w. how to move past it but am pretty sure now is the time if any to sign up for your courses! Thank you so much for your daily emails they mean so much and help alot!
You're speaking ALL our language, Kimberly. The fantasy that seems so right around the corner gets us every time! So glad my emails are helping and would love to help you with coaching or any of my programs. Stay strong - you already are. And September isn't something to fear; it's something to look forward to with you finally showing up fully you!
Ladies! i was shocked to read the same enormous amounts of time you ve been spending w the Potentials! mine is 7 years, and i had always in my social circles only known of myself living this kinda life. among all the other self esteem & confidence issues, it also sort of affects your 'public image' !
i donno how many times i would have had flashes of my inner truth - in the times of full moons, young moons, pms; as well as in the lights of traumatic/painful situations with him, snoopings over his phone, etc etc . and no matter what i love him so much! ! he is the best ever combination in a man i have ever seen in my life - kind, empathetic, handsome, smart, well-off, responsible, hard -working, sexy, ALL! !! he is a father figure to my daughter (whom she got to know from the age of 3.5 months! ), she loves him just as i do! after like 5yrs of time together, he's been saying he loves her, he loves me on the regular basis. he provides for us financially! in some practical situations he would even call me his wife. YET, we dont live together - due to his preference, and we rarely have sex - due to his preference.
just another numerous talk last night, where i was expressing my need and feelings of the lack of sex (i am really getting proud of myself of how genuine and vulnerable talks i am able to kick off now!:)
and again, i am hearing same things as from day 1 - 《 i dont want a relationship w you or anybody else,have never wanted and will never want. i didnt ask for a situation we r all three in here for, but i love it. i adore u and ur daughter. i think we r having a great thing. if our kid was never in the picture,we would have not gone this long. as i ve never looked for a relationship. we ve been spending this much time together, and traveling all over,coz the kid is there. i believe sex is bringing a bond, and i dont wanna have it, coz bond develops a relationship. i wanna be alone, i wanna be spending my life in the future alone. i know and i am sorry, i am a rare and super complicated personality》
so he s been a bachelor all his life, he is in his 50s i am in my 40s.
what Jane said -until u dont think he is the best, there wont be a better one.
my self esteem levels are def quite low, and i am especially started feeling super uncomfortable when i know that for him raising a kid is a so much more interesting and meaningful thing, than being w a woman, ie being with me!
I know i desire a man i love to worship me inside out. . i so long for it! (and in rare moments i receive it from him)
You're so not alone, Ai! You're absolutely clear about who he is; the bigger question is who are you?
Been going through this for 9 years. Hoping and praying, wishing and wanting things to just finally once and for all fall into place. I don’t know why he can’t see what other people see in me. Why I’m not special or good enough to him. Why do I feel I can’t have better? What is wrong with me?!
There's nothing wrong with you, Marisa. Just a pull towards someone who gives you the chance you've probably been looking for most of your life; the chance to finally prove your worthiness of a love someone promises that will never be delivered on. My heart breaks for you because I've seen this too many times to be optimistic about when it's told the way you describe it. Sending love - and enough hope for you to see you can't have better as long as you believe he's the best.
You always seem to send an e-mail pertaining to exactly what is happening in my life. I too have loved based on potential. I am going on 8 years with a man who does not make me a priority. He has told me from day one that he is terrible at relationships, his history with relationships backs up that claim. He tells me he is flakey, unreliable, commitment phobic, etc. and I know that he is, but I stayed with him as my priority thinking that I could help him and put my wants aside, because I could help him and he would love me. When we were together we had wonderful times, we are similar in the love of simple, beautiful things that we experience and have traveled together with so many wonderful memories. But everything in our relationship has been on his terms, when we do things, what we do, how we do it, and when and how much time we spend together. If he's not in the mood, I don't see him and when he is and sends me a text to come over, I accommodate. I am the one that travels to him 99% of the time. I am not sure why this has been ok with me to this point. It may be because I lost my husband of 22 years in a car accident, was alone for 5 years and then found him, he made me feel alive again and I have stuck by him since then. He talks about our future all of the time and where we are going and how I am so important to him, but I never know when he is going to flake and say he wants to take off by himself. He went through a terrible divorce over 10 years ago, and he and his ex do not get along, but he is always helping her with things around the house (she calls him daily ) and goes over to his ex's to see his kids because they are busy and won't come to see him as much as he wants. They are teenagers and can drive now. Basically, he does what he wants and doesn't give thought to how it makes me feel. About once a year, we have the talk where I get pushed back and told that he loves me but isn't in love, something is missing.... You know, as I am typing this out, it sounds so pathetic - I really am not sure why I ever put up with any of it... fear of abandonment again? He brings out things in me that were hidden for many years. My husband and this guy were my only two relationships for the past 35 years. Anyways - with the last talk, something snapped in me and I no longer can accept this relationship? the way that it is. My point is that no one can tell you or give you advise when you have ear plugs in and blinders on. You read it, know that it is exactly what you need to pay attention to and do but you don't. There is a point where you have just had enough and you have to be the one that takes out the plugs and when you hear it loud and clear for the first time, it's like a brick hits you and everything becomes clear. That is where I am now, and my first step is to figure out why I accepted the behavior and then what I want for me, not what I can do for everyone else. One note, "the guy" has a big heart and is a great guy, my writing this is not to dis him but to start my path to put myself first, something I have never done. I'm in the midst of reading Getting the Love you Want (Harville Hendrix) and it really is life changing.
Thank you for listening 🙂
We always want to help in exchange for being loved, Maggie. Except it never works out that way unless he's into helping himself, too. I'm so sorry for your tragic loss. If you read these words tonight, I think you're going to want to see what happens when you stop driving to him and let him come to you. There's a message there for us when we stop doing all the work and putting in all the effort and it sounds like it's the one you need to say. And to be clear, they're all nice guys with big hearts and real potential; it's the fact that it's never realized by them that's the problem. Do that one thing you've never done - put yourself first. It's going to be uncomfortable at first and you're going to think you're selfish a million times before you get the hang of it, but it's going to finally restore what's been missing, one uncomfortable step forward at a time. Love Harville Hendrix! 🙂
You really are a blessing to all of us Jane... Thank you!
❤
Ditto!
You share my heart, Alex.
Thank you so much for this. I think this might be one that I print out and read and read and read. And maybe I should read it again. I know in my heart that I keep thinking once my son goes away to college in August I will break up with him/block him do everything I can to get him gone from my life. I don’t even see potential in him anymore.
Thank you so much for all that you offer. Your generosity is so important and oddly, it’s even more important during this time that the whole world is cognizant of. You are very much appreciated.
Aw, thank you, De Elle. I've never forgotten you! Remember there will always be something keeping you from doing something different with him. The question for you to answer is what do you actually want to do that you can then live with? That's the only thing we're going to get ourselves to do!