Should I Remind Him He Said He Would Tell Me Why?

Our letter this week comes from Paula, who's feeling heartbroken over the loss of the man she experienced such amazing chemistry with in a long-distance relationship. He said he was going to meet up with her and talk in three weeks time, so she wants to know if she should reach out to remind him.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I'm 42 years old. I met a man, 46 years old, on Dec. 23 of last year.

For two weeks we met on the beach in the morning or in the evening-had dinner and drinks or a walk by the beach, talking about ourselves, kissing each other - there was extreme chemistry between us.

After two weeks, we had time to be together and had an amazing time. This man lives 900 km from me.

We were in touch almost every day by messages, half of them initiated by him. We have met again every second week after because he flies here to be with his children. I have one child, I'm a single mum.

We organized to spend Valentine's weekend at his place 900 km away, did activities together. I met his best friends, he was happy when they liked me a lot.

He showed me his workplace, places around, cooked for me. He asked me if I like him, I said of course, I like you a lot. Then we met again at the beach week after where I live only in the morning.

He asked me: you really like me, don't you? I said I do not play games anymore, I like you.

We were discussing to meet next weekend in a different city, he told me that he has to work but he will try to find time. Or I can come to his place which I agreed. I sent him a message to have a safe flight and that I will share half of the expenses for a hotel when we see each other over weekend.

He sent me a message with a kiss.

On Wednesday, he messaged me that he is struggling not to see me and doesn't see how we can be in a relationship, and broke up with me-over message!! I asked him to call me - what is happening.

He called me that evening, we talked 40 minutes. He said that I did not nothing wrong, that he misses me, likes me but doesn't see us making a real relationship because we are not often together.

Of course I am broken to pieces. He was always in long distance relationships because of his work commitments. We exchanged a few messages, I sent him a greeting from the city where we were supposed to be together, he sent me kisses.

Then I thought everything was okay, I sent him a message saying "how are you?" and "call me when you feel like it", that I don't feel okay.

He sent me a message that he is extremely busy and his two weekends are busy as well and he cannot see how we can be together.

His last message was on Friday, that he will meet and talk to me in three weeks time because I asked him if we ever bump into each other here, if he would at least say hi to me.

I sent him a message that after all this I don't understand him anymore, and he should be grateful for meeting a woman like me who is able travel and be proud of him and happy to support him with his work.

Should I remind him of meeting in two weeks here to explain why he broke up with me? I deserve to hear it from him not over messaging.

I am not sending anymore messages, he is of course is quiet. I felt that he liked me a lot.

-Paula

My Response:

Don't remind him, Paula. That's the last thing you want to do.

If he can't remember to make plans to meet you without you reaching out to him again, who is he and what does this say about him that he requires a reminder from you to prioritize you enough to meet up with you?

And more importantly, what does it say about you - and the message you send to yourself - that you don't believe you're worth someone invested enough in you that you don't need to hand-hold him through how to keep his word and back up his words with action when he tells you he's going to do something that means so much to you?

You're on the begging end here, Paula. And it's the last place you ever want to be.

Sure you had fun with him, and sure he had fun with you, and yes he liked you and you had such an intense chemistry. But beyond that, he doesn't want anything more.

He can't find time for you, he can't figure out how he can fit you in his schedule and he's being clear with you that he's too extremely busy to even begin to figure out how he could make that happen.

And why?

Because he's not the right man for you.

The right man for you would know this without you having to tell him and you wouldn't be here with him in the first place. He's not there because he's not your guy, no matter how much he led you to believe that he was.

Don't ever ask him to "at least say hi to me" if you bump into each other. I have the most visceral reaction to this one because it places all your power squarely with him.

It gives every semblance of your dignity and self-respect onto a man who isn't giving you any reason to put him up so high that he holds all the power and you're only left looking up to him.

To ask him this is so beneath you, Paula. Take your power back from him. He only gets more powerful with words like this from you and he doesn't deserve the high pedestal you've put him on.

And don't waste your breath telling him he should be grateful for meeting a woman like you who can be proud of him and supportive of his work and can travel to make a long-distance relationship work.

Because he doesn't care.

It may make you feel better, but that won't last because it's going to fall on deaf ears and he won't hear anything you say if it's about how you feel and what he's done to you. He already knows that.

In fact, this is precisely why you're not going to hear from him in three weeks, and it's why he's going to forget about meeting you because he won't want to hear anything you have to say that doesn't show how understanding you are of how busy he is.

If he is saying that he's so extremely busy and his two weekends are busy as well and he cannot see how the two of you can be together, hear him and believe what he is telling you because he is giving you all the answer he's comfortable giving you.

Yes, you deserve to hear from him in person why he broke up with you like this. But trying to make him tell you, trying to get more of the truth out of him isn't going to happen unless you push him to the point that he finally breaks his silence and lashes out in anger to tell you to just move on and accept what he's already told you.

He liked the idea of you and what he had with you as long as it worked for him, Paula, but I've seen this exact pattern so many times before in such similar long-distance relationships that it's clear when a man gives you the "I'm just too busy to make time for you" reason behind whatever words he picks to lessen the blow, that he's made up his mind for awhile.

Yes, it hurts. And it feels personal. But long-distance relationships are a favorite for emotionally-unavailable men to hide behind. They can always pull the too-busy-to make-the-extra-arrangements-to-see-you card whenever things get too real or heat up too fast to continue.

Yes, he liked you. This isn't about that. Don't make this about how you're not good enough, or tie your worth to his response to you.

This is about a man who loved the beginning fantasy but wasn't so into the reality check when he sensed you were looking for more from him.

Don't beat yourself up for that!

If you want more, if you're not willing to settle for a relationship that was never more than a beginning, you should never, ever settle for that.

If he was the right man for you, he would be on the same page as you, Paula. He would be capable of giving you what you deserve, and he would pursuing you and reaching out to you, and making time and arrangements to actually see you.

That you even feel you have to remind him is your biggest red flag.

Listen to it. I have a feeling you noticed it much earlier than you realize. That's the lesson. Listen to yourself, trust yourself about what you sense and feel.

I used to think magical beginnings were everything, too. It took me years of heartbreak to finally learn it was the magical middle I was looking for, not the beginning that only revealed a man who knew he wouldn't be able to sustain a full relationship so he gave me everything he had in that ever-short "magical" beginning that I mistook for the beginning of a real relationship.

My mistake. One of my most painful lessons.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you think Paula should remind him that he said he was going to meet up with her in person to tell her what's going on? Let her know what you think in the comments below!