This week's letter comes from Sue, who's wondering if it's normal for her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years to keep breaking up with her, then saying he made a mistake and wanting to get back together.
She's unfortunately not alone here, as many of the women I work with have similar stories to her - one of the most common questions I get is "Why does my boyfriend keep breaking up with me and coming back?"
His ambivalence is part of a larger problem, and I go into detail about that in my response here. I hope it helps both you, Sue, as well as others of you going through this right now.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
The same situation as you described about breaking up after 3-4 months in a perfect relationship happened to me. Then in 3 days he called and said he made a mistake. We have broken up probably six times and gotten back together in a 2 1/2 year relationship.
We can't stay away from each other.
My question - is this normal with the situation you described or could he have other mental issues like bipolar?
Thanks.
Sue
My Response:
This is such a great question, Sue, and I'm so glad you asked. It's not just you asking it, so this gives me a chance to inform us all on this very relevant topic.
The majority of the women I work with have backed up both my personal and professional experience that there are almost always accompanying issues with the 3-4 month break up cycle.
Someone who is stable, well-balanced, psychologically healthy, etc. doesn't need to keep breaking up with you and coming back every 3-4 months, so the likelihood of there being other issues is very high.
The problem is, the same deep-seeded issues of shame that are at the root of the very reason he breaks up with you at the 3/4 month timeline and then regrets it and comes back, are also at the root of most mental issues - especially Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorders - that often go undiagnosed as well.
But the bigger picture answer to your question is that he doesn't need a mental health issue to display behavior like this; our culture is enough of a reason - and an influence - to render a man incapable of sustaining the image he feels compelled to display for as long as he can, until he can't anymore.
And that's where the 3 to 4 month mark comes in; that's usually the point where the pressure he's feeling exceeds the benefits he's getting out of the relationship, and he either sabotages it so that you'll be the one to end it instead of him feeling more like the bad guy, or he ends it himself.
Either way, it's the same outcome.
You're left heartbroken, so confused, and unsure of what just happened and how someone could go from one extreme to the other.
It makes absolutely no sense to you, and it won't, because you're not him, you didn't grow up like him, you weren't socialized in our culture the way he was as a little boy and later a man.
The messages he received and the programming he received from his role models and caregivers were enough to not only set him up for commitment issues like these that we see, but also to contribute to mental issues apart from these.
My bigger point is that if he's not looking to get help, to seek counseling, to find someone to talk to about why he can't sustain a healthy, loving relationship - he'll have plenty of support from our culture not to.
And he certainly doesn't have to.
All he needs to do is talk to other guys, or take a look at the same conditioning culture he grew up in with its roles around masculinity and what it means to be a man, and he'll get all the validation he needs that there's absolutely nothing wrong with him; he's just a typical guy who can't get his head around committing to a woman regardless of how amazing she is!
That messaging and subsequent confirmation, is unfortunately precisely the problem. For you, though, Sue, the challenge is to not take any of his behaviours personally.
The only question is whether or not this pattern of behavior works for you, because after 2 1/2 years of this, you can be assured that you're not likely to see any change in him anytime soon unless he gets some help to work through the root issues that are contributing to his behavior.
As long as he has backup and validation in his friends and the popular culture that he's perfectly normal in behaving this way, he has little motivation to find it or to go digging deeper for answers unless he has a clear reason to do.
You stopping the cycle by refusing to play along and letting him know what you need from him with your own timeline and sticking to it might be the motivation, but it often isn't enough. Again, this is not a reflection on you or your worth, this is about him.
It's because of the combination of societal validation for this precise behavior in addition to the shame around even admitting he might have issues that stem from a lifetime worth of programming, and his personality's response to that programming.
If he's a deeply sensitive man - which is often the case - it's made even more complicated because of the disconnect between who he was and what he felt as he was learning the inflexible roles of what it meant to be a man early on.
The disconnect between the two would have caused him to make a choice he couldn't have made at the time without even more discomfort; to choose his feelings over the expectations of his family, friends and the culture that all put pressure on him to conform.
This is why, Sue, when we're talking about mental illness, we have to include the larger conversation around the culture that's fed these men who can't commit and have deep commitment issues that society gives a pass to because the label "it's just the way men are" is one we've come to accept instead of questioning.
It's to the detriment of ourselves and our relationships and these men themselves who actually do desire to be loved and in healthy relationships that we do this.
They simply don't know how.
And as long as we allow them to not have to know how, or summon up the courage to even question if they might need help, they have no reason to.
I do have hope, though, that we're changing this in our culture, simply by the number of conversations just like this one that we're having more frequently and more publicly. I'm seeing many more men who I can actually talk about these deep topics with, and they're actually listening and identifying with what I'm talking about.
So don't give up, don't despair.
If you can talk to him like a real person, without putting him on a pedestal, without giving him all your power, without adding pressure to how much pressure he already feels, you have a chance at changing this.
But it requires you standing in your own power lovingly and compassionately without coming down on him because you're hurting or trying to diagnose him.
The same culture that's been so good at putting him in a stereotype and making it hard for him to commit to an image he's supposed to live up to even if he doesn't know how to, has also been really good at feeding him stories of just how emotional and controlling women can be, and why he should make absolutely sure he knows what he's doing before he commits to one of them.
Not every man is up for the challenge of overcoming such programming and choosing the life and the relationship he wants, but it might be the case for yours.
I've worked with many women who've seen this change by learning how to best support and inspire men with real potential, not just the kind they throw away years of their lives on. It's not for the faint of heart, but it can and does happen, too.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Can you relate? Have you ever found yourself asking the question "Why does my boyfriend keep breaking up with me and coming back?" Do you have any words of advice for Sue? Tell her in the comments below.
I feel so broken. After 9 years and probably 30 break ups my partner walked out, completely out of the blue, via text a couple of months ago. We were happy (well I thought we were), we'd gone close to a year without him abandoning me in the heat of an argument and he'd spent months promising that he'd never break up with me again, that the only way we would end is if I broke up with him. Mind you at times he's pushed me to the point where I've had to break up (I guess so he can feel good that is not always him). We'd talked about how precarious our relationship felt and that at my age I needed stability, I wanted it, I deserved it.
I think it's shame. I've identified that the majority of times that he's walked out have been when I've been pointing out that he hurt me. He can't deal with shame. So he walks out, and doesn't have to address my hurt, then when we get back together somehow I end up apologising for being me! I end up offering more, accepting less! It's a form of emotional battering.
For 9 years I've loved him so completely. I loved him despite his lack of emotional maturity. I tried to get him to get help, I spent years in therapy trying to deal with loving a man that I couldn't trust to not just abandon me and the kids at the drop of a hat but he wouldn't. He was controlling and I paid the price. He is a wealthy white male with all of society at his feet. I was a single mum with financial issues, hanging on by my teeth, so every time he left, it wasn't just the emotional trauma but also financial.
I still love him. But, I can never allow myself to get back with this man. He will never change. He is incredibly toxic. He never had a healthy relationship in his life and I feel totally broken and cast aside. All that love wasted. I doubt men like this can change. 😭
And thanks Jane, this article was so helpful. Thank you x
So glad! Hang in there, Vi. Feeling you. 😢
So hard. But you can't keep doing this to yourself, sweet soul. None of us can!
Post*
This explanation has helped heal my heart a little bit as I sit here 7 months pregnant with my partners 3rd baby who just left us yet again as he does over the past 5 years. This pattern has got to stop but where do I even begin to navigate towards finding the help mentioned could be possible to save our family finally as I know this will never stop. Thank you again for opening my eyes a bit in this devastating time of need!
I hope things have improved for you and he got help x
Finally caught up on emails while on vacation getting away from a similar scenario. Yes! Nobody ever talks about the mental health issues going on with people mentioned in Jane's blog here. I am here, dealing with that tough cycle to get out of. Enough! RUN don't walk away from that. I want and am worth far more than this foolishness. Someone I know says rejection is protection. I believe it and you should too.
Hi Sue,
I too suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (bpd) and What you’ve written here about your boyfriend breaking up with you and coming back is something I’ve done with many of my boyfriends. We crave love but don’t want to be smothered so we pull away to breath and then miss the person we love and go back and the cycle continues. I didn’t know I had bpd when I met my last boyfriend. He had enough of the way I was treating him and he left advising me to get help. Of course abandonment is absolutely the worse thing in the world for bpd but if he had not left me and ignored me, I wouldn’t have seeked help. Leaving the BPD is absolutely necessary if you ever want both of you to ever have healthy relationship. Look up “no contact for 30 days” it’s extremely hard to do, but if you can do it you will get his attention. With that said, during your time away from him ask yourself why you’re staying with someone who isn’t loving you the way you need to be loved. Chances are you have a co-dependant nature. Which you should understand more about. It’s very possible the two of you are broke in different ways and are both feeding each others need for love rather than understanding what you both need to be whole individuals capable of surviving without the other. I strongly recommend you do research on both bpd and codependent relationship. I’m sure both of younger nice people, but you both need time apart from each other to develop you own self worth that won’t settle for this type of behaviour. Leaving each other will feel like your breaking an addiction, and in a way you are. I won’t lie, it’s going to be an extremely long and hard road, but it will be much harder if you don’t break this pattern and neither of you develop self worth.
You asking for help clearly indicates you’re understand it’s not a healthy relationship and it can never be unless you both get help.
I wish you the best.
Hi i just read your pist, it was very brave of you to post abiut your own shortcomings and giving the persoective from the other end( the person who leaves) its rare to get that insight because many of those people dont do the true digging and self reflection to understand why they do those actions are knowing it does not serve them. Thank you bonnie
I met my mf (I'm 67 he's 69) 10 months after I was widowed- 2.5 years ago.
It was very intense to start with, but he broke up with me out of the blue after 1 month. Since then, we've got back together & broken up 3 more times (only once initiated by me).
He can't get into a committed relationship and I was starting to feel like a FWB..even at my age! The last time he broke up with me ws on NYD (3 weeks ago) citing that we were so different and he needed distance because I make him feel 'inward', whatever that means!
He is about to lose his freelance journalist job, which is pretty frightening for him as he's nearly 70 and has to also still pay child maintenance. He lives in a studio flat in sheltered housing and I'm quite comfortable.
I see that the financial disparity is huge, but we do have lots in common and come from similar backgrounds.
I've had enough of this roller coaster relationship ride and am going through my third NC period. I have a rich life in terms of work, friends, hobbies & family, so don't need him to fill my void. But I do miss the passion and mental stimulation I got from him, which was sadly lacking in my 35 year marriage in the end.
He might reach out, I won;t this time. In the back of my mind, I wonder whether he has traits of bi-polar disorder, which his daughter greatly suffers from. It fits in with his hot/col/up/down behaviour .
If your BF is anything like mine, he’s inflicted too many hurts to make this even possible anymore. I’m currently attempting no contact for the third third time. Avoidant Personality or NPD are not for the faint of heart. They are profound personality disorders that are often permanent and debilitating. Next time Sue....run!
Yes! Abby is right