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The Problem with "Broken"

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Woman looking into a broken mirror representing her low self-esteem.
It does more damage than all our other programming combined.

There's a single word for what we've been told about ourselves that does more damage than all our other programming combined.

Amongst all the stories we've been told about who we are, where we've come from, and why we can never trust ourselves more than we can trust someone else who always knows better than we do, it's the story that tells us we're broken, that we've always been broken and we need someone or something outside of us to save us from ourselves.

Sound familiar?

The problem is that when we've accepted this as our own story for so long, we stop questioning it. And even worse, we forget we even have the right to. And we don't even see that there is a problem.

See, when you've been told you're broken, when you've been told you have to go to some being outside yourself to ask for forgiveness for the simple act of being human, you're going to have a hard time believing you're not.Continue Reading

Vindicated

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Beautiful brunette woman thinking, tired, wondering if she's the one with commitment issues.
The woman in us who's been hurt a bazillion times feels vindicated.

See? You say. See?

That's why I can't find any good ones.

The woman in us who's been hurt a bazillion times feels vindicated.

See! It's just the way it is now.

But is it?

Look closer. No, not where you've always been looking, but somewhere different. Somewhere new.

Maybe that dominates, that being the current popular opinion that the new dating reality makes the act of swiping or putting a few syllables into a phone the most effort men have to make these days, but is that really the whole story?

Or is there more?

No, this isn't just the way it is for you! This is someone else's story. Stop making it your own. It's not!Continue Reading

The Reason You Still Can't Believe It's Not You

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A beautiful woman looks down, sad, wondering if her boyfriend is getting distant.
Why do we do this?

I've been having some deep discussions on my calls lately, around the underlying subject of our longings for unconditional love.

Leftover from our childhoods, from a place most of us have never connected to the present, until we realize something must be amiss for us to keep attracting and choosing the men that we do. The irony is that while we long for unconditional love with every part of our heart and soul, we look for it precisely from the ones completely incapable of giving us that kind of love.

Why do we do this?

It makes no sense to our logical minds, but the pull is so strong (and entirely subconscious) to extract this kind of love from someone who cannot give it to us because he never received enough of any kind of love to have a place of overflow within himself that it could even come from.

Why the pull? It's because it's so familiar.

It's once again someone with so much potential because they give us glimpses of that soft part within them. We take that and run with it because even just the feeling of the possiblity of that potential lights us up to the possibility of what might be. This time might be different. This time. The promise of which is so familiar. Continue Reading

I Just Want to Be Sure I'm Not Walking Away from a Good Thing

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A beautiful woman sits on a couch at home alone, feeling sad that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Am I foolish to stay in this relationship?

Isn't this at the heart of the question you're asking, too?

You sense what you need to do. You've been wrestling with it for a long time. You've got all your facts, all your information, all that you've quietly (or not so quietly) been observing, all the while hoping something would be different this time.

But it hasn't, has it? It's still the same.

And now there's just one thing you need to know. It's that you're not walking away from a good thing. That's what brought Diane here today.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been dating a man, 14 yrs older than me, for almost ten years now. We don't live together.

I have two children who are now teenagers.

My boyfriend works all the time and has very little time for the relationship. We see each other usually Saturday evening through Sunday most weekends, but if either of us has something on at the weekend it means we don't see each other for 2/3 weeks.

He has put this boundary in place as he is exhausted with work all the time. I believe he is a workaholic and is using work to avoid relationship and emotional intimacy. We have been talking about getting a place together for 6 years now and have looked at houses but that is as far as it ever goes.Continue Reading

But That's Not You, Is It?

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A beautiful woman sits on a beach looking sad because her ex has moved on.
You poured every part of your being into your relationship with him.

Years of walking through heartbreak, both my own and with you, have confirmed one very specific thing; we don't get over it, avoid it, or use strategies to keep it from affecting us.

We walk through it. We feel it.

All of it.

There are women who follow a practical "3-step guide" to getting over a guy and that’s all they need.

They get a new hairstyle.

They get a makeover.

They buy some new clothes.

Maybe they take a trip somewhere.

But that’s not you.

No, you feel everything.Continue Reading

Dating a Younger Man

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A beautiful woman is sipping coffee while talking with a man over lunch, wondering why she's not getting what she wants in a relationship.
He said it isn't an issue for him.

Ever dated - or thought about dating - a younger man? I often get asked about the "appropriateness" of dating younger men. This week's letter comes from Mariah and that's exactly what she's asking about here.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane

I recently went on a date with a guy 10 years younger than me. I'm 42 and he is 32. He was very attentive, we had a good time but the age gap keeps bothering me.

I spoke to him after our date as he said he is keen to see me again. I asked him how he felt about the age gap. He said it isn't an issue for him. He has dated a woman 5 years his senior before. He asked how I felt, and I said that I'm not sure. Let's see how we go.

He agreed.Continue Reading

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