Our letter this week comes from one of our beautiful readers I'm calling Sandy. I'll let her tell you her story below.
Here's her story:
I met a wonderful man this last summer and we immediately hit it off. We are both in our 50's and I cannot begin to explain to you how many things we have in common, how often we laugh together, and our communication has been amazing.
We love to just spend time together.
He tells me he loves me something terribly and I feel the same way. It’s one of those type of relationships where everything is perfect for the both of us, EXCEPT one thing. We both agreed and still agree to this day we have something special, we are best friends.
He was married for 21 years and after he divorced, he dated another woman for a year and a half. It was a toxic relationship and ended one sided several times with her leaving him.
Just about a month into our relationship, he decided to tell me he had to give her one more shot - and make sure this thing they had was something OR a closed chapter in his book.
We are both adults so we decided to give it a break so he can clear his mind and find out what was drawing him back to her.
We kept in touch during this time and neither one of us could completely let go of what we had because of the way we felt about each other. I did not encourage him in any way to end this affair, I felt it needed to either happen for him OR it needed to end naturally but we had become great friends and each other’s support system.
Well his relationship with his ex GF ended again, in a toxic way 3 weeks later and he said he couldn't stop thinking about me.
He wanted to come back and I agreed to start things off slowly and cautiously. I knew he was the one who ended it once and for all and it truly felt good about where we were headed.
Everything was perfect, he was extremely happy and so was I. It was like we each had our best friend back in our life again. We talked about our goals in life, things we planned on doing, made dinners, went for drives.
It couldn't have gotten any better and we both agreed this would be what we want for the rest of our lives. He told me all the time I was the best thing that ever happened to him in his life, that he just can't find anything wrong with me.
3 months into this, he sat me down and explained that this ex-girlfriend keeps popping up in his head and it’s not fair for him to spend time with me with all of these thoughts. He told me he texted her the day before and met her for 20 minutes one night to catch up (I honestly do believe nothing intimate happened that evening).
He said he loves me, he doesn't want to lose me in his life but it’s not fair for him to be in this head space.
He said he is NOT dating her, she didn't ask to come back and he doesn't plan on pushing the issue but he needs to get once and for all over her or not - before he can commit to me fully.
Don't get me wrong, this has been completely devastating for me. While I took it better this time than the first, I still truly do love him and because of how we communicate - I had to let him figure this out on his own.
That evening, he texted me to tell me he misses talking to me.
The next morning he called me and said he is just sick to his stomach over this and he just cannot stomach having me completely removed from his life. He is trying to figure this out "with a therapist".... but he is scared to death of losing me completely and I have to admit I feel the same way.
He didn't run back to her, he just thought he should let me go for a while because it’s not fair to me to be with someone who is not 100% there in his head.
We do love each other, and I am planning on just doing my thing.
It hurts more than anything to lose someone who you love so much and to hear how much they still love you. We are having a super difficult time "letting go” of each other and we don't know how to do that without no communication and we both agree it would kill us for either of us to remove the other from our lives.
Any advice?
-Sandy
My response:
Yes, Sandy.
Give him a time frame. You can’t do this indefinitely. You can’t do this even one more time. This has to be the last time he leads you on believing he can do this and then pulling away when he realizes he’s still got that unfinished business there.
How long can you tolerate not knowing, not having any control over whether he chooses you or he chooses her? How long can you live with always having him in your head because nothing is clear because he isn’t making it clear to you or including you in this process?
What you can tolerate, how long you’re willing to wait for him, is an honest question you need to be honest with yourself about.
This communicating while being apart because he wants to be fair to you – this serves him, not you.
It keeps your hope alive, it keeps you holding on for him instead of getting on with your life and moving on. That’s all for him.
What is there for you in this communication – except hope that may be false, time wasted, and a deeper investment on your part because who can ever really move on when the object of your desire is right there in front of you with his communication with you – but with nothing more than a promise that maybe he’ll choose you, if he doesn’t choose her?
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but quite frankly, I can’t. There’s too many questions that I need answers to.
I’m glad he’s working through this with his therapist. Really glad. Because this woman he can’t let go of has more to do with his own past unresolved issues and who she represents for him than it has to do with her. Until he connects those missing pieces from his past and sees the reason why she has such a psychological and emotional hold on him, he can’t make a clear break with her.
He’s right it’s unfair to you. And yet, he hasn’t given you a chance to decide if you’d prefer to work through this with him together, while he sees his therapist, than to just leave you hanging like he has.
This feels worse. No choice. No say on your part. Just him telling you what he feels is fair to you or not.
I’m all for his honesty in telling you what he’s going through and expressing his concerns about not being fully with you and keeping you informed, but it is concerning that you’re not in this together if this really is everything he’s saying it is.
There’s a question mark there for me about his true intentions and without knowing more than what you’ve written here, there’s definitely a concern that you’re not a part of this decision.
Set a time frame that honestly reflects what you can live with and then keep it. Make it shorter rather than longer. If he doesn’t know by then, don’t give him an extension, make the decision for him.
And one last thing, Sandie, just to be crystal clear.
This isn’t a contest. This isn’t a competition between this other woman and you. If he can’t see you for who you are and what you have to offer without you being or doing anything other than being your beautiful self, you don’t want him.
If any time it feels like you’re giving too much of your power away just by the fact that you’re waiting to find out if he’s going to choose you, choose for him. Choose you.
Because my gut instinct here based on my experience with too many scenarios that sound too much like this one, has me of the inclination that there’s more to the story than this and he’s only being honest about you with the part you know about.
Limit your contact with him. Trust your gut. You know so much more than you give yourself credit for!
And if you'd like to delve deeper into this, or you just want some support, I'm here for you.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? Do you have any other words of advice, encouragment or support for our beautiful friend, Sandy? Share them with us below in the comments!
I'm going to say it as I see it. The man is a game player. Stringing along two women and enjoying it. Therapy? seriously? Any reputable therapist would advise you take time out by self.
Narcissist - run away.
If a man wants to be with you he will be there... period. Not feeding you BS. You are the prize not him.
You'll cry for a while but it WILL STOP. There's good men out there. Honest, decent and gorgeous. Go get them. 💗
This is my story right now. Would love to see any advice you have. It hurts so bad right now
To Sandy, I completely understand you wanting to be understanding because you think you are actually doing yourself a favor because of the love you have for him, but in actuality you are committing the worse sin to yourself and that is you are taking seconds. Cutting him off completely is loving yourself wholeheartedly. He will then and only then truly understand what it would be like with out you and to him, it's clarity. He know if he tries any of the shenanigans you've allowed him, he won't get away with it. But because you give him so much leeway, he's totally taking you up on it. He's having his cake and eating it too. A huge no no if you want the man to truly be back wholeheartedly with you and only you is for you to sacrifice your tiny morsels for the real thing and that is by giving him up completely and to be clear to him that you need to move on. He'll either come back wholeheartedly or he won't then you'll know you've loved you over him and you will fill so much better knowing you came first in your life is the way it should be. Good luck and I hope I didn't sound too harsh. Samantha
Hi Sandy, I bet the feels pretty wretched. I don’t know your particular situation but I have had a similar experience and have learned the hard way that a confused man is a dangerous thing in relationship. It is an indulgence, especially to do it more than once and it really hurts to feel like you’re not enough to be ‘chosen’. Sadly, you may have to walk away. It doesn’t really matter what the reason is that someone ‘cant’ be with you - it just matters that they’re not and if you wait after that it just never seems to end well. It’s probably too soon to think about meeting someone else but it might be a good idea to close this out and cease contact in order to save yourself.
Very interesting!! I actually just experienced the same situation as you!! I've learned the hard way to let him go and you shouldtoo..they want their cake and eat it too!! So they're never alone..nothing but heartache!!
OMG I just wrote this exact same think LOL.. absolutely let him go all the way not partially. He will take total advantage and there will be no end insight. UGH.. heart break 1000 percent.
Oh, no! Stand up for yourself. He is not standing up for you! You can love another who is loyal to you alone. Wake up from this nightmare. You are too special to endure this, Sandy.
This sounds all to familiar. Honestly give him a time limit and a very short one at that because he has had enough time . He is confused and selfish.
I agree it is not a competition and it is not about her or you. It is obviously him. I think he might have an issue with making decisions; letting go/moving on (not just of her, but you too obviously, and who knows who else); or commitment (after such a long marriage); or a combo of all of the three. Frankly, this doesn’t sound very attractive of him.
I think it would be great if you could try to go 2-3 weeks without any communication. Better yet, 7 weeks. And then evaluate how YOU feel and see the situation.
Wow! Sandy , reading your letter I was just getting angry that someone who claims to love you and you see as your best friend could do this to you. Can you not see that this man wants his cake and to eat it too?
He seems to be obsessed with this other woman who he can not get out of his mind, while he gets to have your friendship , support and enjoy your loving stable company when he wants to.
This guy is using you but, his heart truly belongs to the woman he has this on/off again relationship with. Are you willing to continue to give him your all while every few months are so he come up with reasons he can not commit with you?
Being 50 years old is not that old for you to think he is it for you. Kick this man who can't make up his mind to the curb, he will never be yours he is just using you to fill a gap when the other woman does something he does not like, bust we both know he will run right back to her as soon as there is an opening.
Do not allow him to do this to you, don't thing you being so "nice" to him will benefit you and he will suddenly wake up and want to only be with you. This is a pattern and will continue to go on as long as you allow it. Don't let him see that you are desperate. Find someone else who will truly value you and love you the same way you do.