That was her question.
In our group coaching session over the weekend, one of the women who's experiencing something that seems like real love for the first time in her life asked me about when my husband and I first said the words "I love you", and how I knew I was in love with him.
Here's what I told them ...
I didn't know what I was in with my husband. I only knew how different it felt, how real it felt compared to the fantasy kind of love relationships I was used to, the kind that broke my heart almost as soon as I gave it away.
It was a few months after we'd met for the second time. We were at his friend's wedding in Santa Barbara, California.
That night, my husband had booked us a room at a romantic bed and breakfast. He softly whispered to me that he loved me for the first time that night. I think I told him I loved him, too, but ironically, I don't remember my own words, only the ones I'd been waiting my whole life to hear that actually carried some meaning.
How did I know? I actually didn't, because I didn't have anything to measure it against. But what I did know was that I was in something different from any other relationship I'd ever been in before.
Over the course of those first few months, he brought up what he was looking for, and asked me what I was looking for. He asked me about my hopes and dreams and plans for the future. He told me about his own. There was a gradual opening of hearts, of minds, of souls. Consistent and steady. What I'd come to call safe, for the first time in my life. It was real.
Before him, I had only known fast and exciting followed by slow and then non-existent.
What was different, was that I felt like his equal. I wasn't on the begging end. I wasn't walking around on egg shells.
Ironically, I always thought falling in love with someone meant feeling something that I'd never felt before romantically, hearing someone telling me he loved me, asking me to marry him, then marrying him in a grand ceremony and somehow living happily ever - all without me having much of a say because being chosen by someone like this was the most important part of all.
What I didn't realize, was this was a fantasy.
Reality is two people who know where they stand with each other because they communicate openly and easily with each other and talk about their dreams, their goals, their plans, their lives.
It wasn't a fantasy when he told me he loved me. For the first time in my life, it was real.
Know something else? It's been a little over 18 years since that night, and it turns out reality is so much better than a fantasy. Who knew?!
To that someone who once told me I should give a real relationship a try, she knew. And she was absolutely right.
Love,
Jane
Interested in working with me to find out how you can experience this kind of real love for the first time, too? I offer both one-on-one and group programs, as well as email coaching, too. Whatever it is you're looking for, if you've never had a mentor, a friend, a coach who understands exactly what you're going through, I'm here for you.
I’m feeling similar to Gemma. Thanks to Janes awesome BCR program I’ve worked through the “what’s wrong with me” problems. I am aware of my value, full of passion, and living a life I love. However I just can’t seem to find a match and I worry that a match might not exist for me.
Does anyone have any advice on how to work through this scarcity mentality? I need to believe a match exists for me and is on his way, and then attract him. Living my passion seems to be attracting more people towards me but not necessarily anybody compatible looking for something real. What if he just doesn’t exist ?
This is our belief system coming into play again, Sky. And scarcity is so much a part of that world i.e belief system that it's not going to be something you can just will away! Prove it wrong. Of course he exists! We have a planet full of so many different people coming and going and moving around and becoming available until all kinds of circumstances at all different times, there's no way there doesn't exist all kinds of matches for you! Find ways to prove that scarcity mindset wrong in every other area of your life first, and then somewhere along the way, you'll find this area of a match for someone exactly like you will become easier to believe, too. Don't let a culture so invested in trying to change you or keep you buying into what works for it instead of you, deprive you of all that's waiting for you in all the potential matches you meet. This is the last part for a reason - because it's the most deeply embedded one that's the hardest to believe based on so many messages to the contrary. If where you're meeting men isn't working, add in other ways. Get as curious as you can about what might be possible. Stay curious. Genuinely ask to see what you're missing and be curious about what form that might take. Ask yourself where someone just like you're looking for is going to be and go explore over there. I've seen this happen in small towns where everyone already knows everyone and huge cities where no one knows anyone. It's a mindset more than anything else. And no, there's nothing wrong with you or what you're looking for if it's not happening right now. Shake it up a little, shift it differently from where it is right now, try something you haven't tried before. There's nothing that says "Universe/God/Whatever you believe in" come meet me where I am, than the curiosity of everything that's still in store for you.
Thank you Jane, this is some great advice. You are right, the scarcity mindset is projected on us from all over so its natural to internalize it sometimes. And you are right, for me the scarcity of romantic love is probably the mostly deeply imbedded.
It's so easy to fall into routines and to focus on the perceived limits of the universe. Seeing the same people at work every day, meeting mostly the same people in my hobbies, seeing the same handful of people on dating apps, it all contributes to the illusion that there is a limited number of people out there. But like you said, that's not the reality, people are always moving, changing jobs, coming, going, ending relationships, etc. The world is huge!
I'll take your advice and focus on breaking the scarcity mindset elsewhere first. Finances, new adventures, new places to visit and explore. And especially socially for making new friends. And I'll stay curious about what else there is to explore, what new friends there are to meet, and what new matches the universe will bring my way.
Thanks, I'll keep you updated!
I think this might have triggered me more than given me hope. This is a story of how good healthy love should be but I worry that this was 18 years ago at a time when you were both maybe in your late 20’s. I’m not sure this compares to being mid 40’s and meeting men online. My online experiences have not so far been great and it feels like once men are older and there isn’t the prospect of wanting to start a family, there seems to be many of them who are commitment shy and know that they can be because there are so many lovely trusting women in this age group online for them to pick and choose from. Also by this age they have their own houses and kids and the drive to merge and really commit seems very rare. Of course we should choose what is healthy against flaky unavailable men but I’m just not meeting any and it seems not many of my friends of a similar age are either. I love your dating advice, I think you’re the best out there but the reality f the world of online dating is quite brutal.
oh Gemma, don't give up hope yet. The woman in my group who asked me this question is herself in her early 40's and only meeting men online. Her first two relationships I walked through with her have been with men who had their own issues, the second being an improvement over the first - and she's now with this third man whose realness and differences from all her other relationships before, prompted this question from her. And she's not the only one by far. It's not a competition - no one's going to get what's yours. Remember, it only takes one!