I'm Desperate! My Partner Has Distanced Himself From Me and I Don't Know What to Do

Our letter this week comes from a reader who calls herself "Hopelessly in Love" (I'll call her "Hil".)

Sound familiar? I know most of us can relate to that feeling at some point or another and it's usually right up until we learn how to recognize the difference between something "hopeless" and something real.

Here's her story.

Hi Jane,

I need help. I'm desperate!

I met my partner online, we hit it off and exchanged phone numbers, we texted every waking day/night for hours and hours, even facetimed every day/night.

Recently I've noticed that my partner has changed completely, almost like a 360 turn around.

I've noticed my partner has distanced himself from me. I had messaged multiple times asking if he wanted my attention to go to someone else and the response was very short "No, I do not." I asked if he was still in love with me and again the response was short "yes."

I don't know what to do.

I miss how we used to be, we had planned to get married and move in together and he claims he still wants that with me but I have not had an actual conversation with him in the past 3 days. He doesn't want me to move on and claims our relationship is still a relationship and that he is still in love with me but I get a tiny response every heartfelt message I send.

-Hopelessly in Love

My Response:

Oh Hil, I'm so glad you reached out. It's so heartbreaking to have someone distance himself from you!

I've got a couple of questions for you.

Have you actually met this guy? You said you've texted him and Face-timed with him, but have you actually met him? That's my first question.

Unfortunately I can't tell from what you've written here, and it will change how I would respond in this situation.

Assuming you haven't met in person yet, I would say that planning the future together in that kind of situation is always risky, because you can't know the things you need to know that you can only find out by seeing each other in person, in real life, in many different settings, not just online or through a phone screen.

If you haven't met in person yet, why is that? Again, you've both gotten pretty far ahead of yourselves if you haven't had that real life meeting yet.

And then I'm wondering about this - why haven't you had an actual conversation with him in the past 3 days? Have you initiated more of a conversation and he hasn't responded (or just given you that tiny response), or are you waiting for this to come from him?

You deserve the truth. You deserve to know what's going on.

He's a human being just like you. If you're having the kinds of conversations that involve discussions about moving in together and getting married, you can also have the kind of conversation that says, "Hey, you seem more distant to me. It seems like you might be having second thoughts about us. Can you tell me what's going on?"

Asking him if he wants your attention to go to someone else or if he's still in love with you isn't the type of communication that's going to give you the response you're looking for.

These types of questions will make him feel pressured and put on the spot. He may feel your tone is more accusatory than genuinely interested in what he has to say, which will likely cause him to shut down - which is exactly what you're seeing.

Be brave enough to recognize that you want real answers and the truth is so much better - no matter what that truth is - than pretending everything's fine when it's not.

You'll know by his response whether he's open to talking about this with you or whether this isn't going to go any further than where it is right now.

Real relationships take time to build, to get to know each other.

Discussions about the future have their place, but they need to come gradually, as you're getting to know each other better, and not in a big rush without both of you building more of a solid foundation for those types of conversations to be built on.

Yes, it could be just another case of another emotionally unavailable guy coming on strong in the beginning, only to fizzle out as he realizes what he's done by giving you the impression he was ready for a real relationship with you when he discovers he isn't.

But we don't know that yet. What we do know is that you deserve more than the answers you're getting.

Reach out to him in a way that actually feels like reaching out, not just interrogating him, and see if you get that answer. That's going to tell you a whole lot more than you know right now.

And most importantly, take him down off any pedestal you're putting him on.

You don't really know him yet. You definitely don't know him well enough to put him above you or assign him the task of giving you a sense of worth based on whether or not he does or doesn't want to continue in this relationship with you.

Don't settle for the tiny response for every heartfelt message you send.

You may not be able to control his tiny response, but you can stop sending him these heartfelt messages that obviously are having the opposite effect of what you want, and simply talk to him like an equal human being instead.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

How about you? Are you having a hard time communicating with your guy, too? Can you relate? Share you thoughts and advice for Hil in the comments below!