Look around you.
Where is he?
Is he there?
Is he reaching out to you? Is he showing you he's worth all the time and energy you're spending thinking about him, wondering about him, going back over and over what you should have done instead?
No, he's not there.
He's not anywhere that you know for sure. Only in your mind. Only when you bring him up, when you remind yourself of everything he was, everything he seemed to be in what seems like such a different time and place.
When you don't bring him to mind, he's not there. When you don't shift your focus to him, he's nowhere near you. He stays right where he is unless you bring him closer, unless you call him out in your own mind.
This time and energy you give him. These moments, hours, days of your life that you keep coming back to him in only your own head, it does nothing for you.
It takes away your ability to live in the moment.
It drains you.
It keeps you from seeing something - someone - different.
It takes away the very life of you.
We say we know in our heads what we can't reconcile with our hearts. But it's actually our minds that hold us hostage, not our hearts. Our hearts know the difference between love and something that has nothing to do with love if we allow them to. It's our minds that keep us coming back for more. More of him. More of everything we need to let go of but can't.
Listen to your heart. It gently, lovingly reminds you of your truth.
Get all the information you need to see the truth of who he is and who your heart of hearts knows he will never be, and then release him.
Release yourself from him. Not because you have to, but because you choose to. There's a huge difference between the two!
If he was ever meant to be, he will be.
How can you know for sure? Because he'll be there. Not only in your mind. Not only in your heart.
Someone who's meant to be will always be, but only because he chooses to show up physically, emotionally, mentally. Without those, he's never been there.
It's time to separate a reality that's based in real actions, real behavior, real life from a fantasy that we'd always like to believe it could be.
I know it's hard, Beautiful. At my core I've always been a dreamer, too.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Are you with someone who isn't really there? Is he no longer there, except for in your own mind? If he's not there for you in person, showing up emotionally available making a mental conscious choice to be with you and no one else, don't call him there. He's not. You can share your story in the comments below or send me an email. You're not meant to have to rely on the idea of someone because he's no where to be found in real life.
Jane, your words are amazing and are hitting so close to home with me on everything I am going through right now. I was pursued and developed a crush on a very charming man that had a mutual attraction to me and this grew for 2 years but did not progress originally due to my circumstances. Last year that changed he seemed to still be interested and asked me to go out several times but it never really happened. I am normally a smart woman and can see this was not right. I would not tolerate this from anyone normally but figured I would just let thing happen if it did. He continued to call me randomly and then it became once a week. When we finally met up again 6 months later really felt something would happen and it did. There seemed to be a lot of attraction and I felt a strong connection. But it was very strange. The handsome charming man seemed interested enough to show up but his behaviour was everything textbook that would say about not interested. He is emotionally distant and unavailable..hot and cold. Cant commit to any plans most of the time he just likes to see what happens and live on the unplanned. I never would tolerate this from a new person I started dating? He said move in with me in the fall several times. We had some deep seemingly meaningful talks about life and what we wanted. This is mr no commitment. This feels big, He was coming over more often and surprising me with the unplanned. He was saying we never know what we are ready for. Proclaimed he was “into me” and then days later nothing gone. He went so cold when I went by to see him I wondered what we had been sharing if anything at all. I am always felt that because he was so random maybe I needed to show more interest so I started to chase more back and then if it was even possible he seemed to do less....And then I read this and it all makes sense. I just don't understand why. It is hard not to feel it is you but my instincts tell me it is not.
Jane does this sound like the emotionally unavailable men you talked about? I am having such a hard time coming to terms with this and the way it ended up. I let myself develop more feelings than I should have. I considered calling but think it is nest just to let it go?
Jane, you always seem to know when I need to read your words. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks reading the words, the mind is so powerful. I need to find my value and self worth and be strong.
Oh Gabby, you do and you will. So glad these words are deeply resonating with you. Wish they didn't - wish that none of us ever had to go through the pain, the heartbreak, the devastating reality checks like we do. But if we do, I'm so glad that you're here, that we can walk through this together from one scarred heart to another's wounded heart, and know that you are never, ever alone in what you're going through. ❤
It feels like he's there, but through his actions I see he never really was, at least not in a long time. Nowadays it's always me going to him. And now he's starting to pull away, which is ok. If he is taking another step back, it's time for me to take two steps back and put the focus back on myself. Your post came at the perfect moment for me. I need to take some time to analyze why I keep going to him even though i'm so unsatisfied.
The fear is there though, Jane. He is the closest I've ever been to the real thing, so it is scary to let go. What if he is the closest I will ever get?
Yes, Sky, exactly this. Why do you? Of course there's fear. Fear is why we do any and all of what we do, but underneath that fear, until you get to the root of "why I keep going to him even though I'm so unsatisfied", you will keep doing this because it's ... comfortable. There's a reason you're here right now, for this. Could you live with him like this if this was the closest you will ever get? Would it be enough? If not, it's never enough. It's what you can personally live with that matters, not what anyone else thinks or does. You, Sky. You only answer to you.
I've been chasing after his attention for too long, and he gives me just enough to keep me chasing, but stopped pursuing me long ago. He's been pulling away lately and I think the best thing to do now is to stop chasing. I'm doing the choosing and he needs to prove to me through his actions that he is worth my time. No Jane, I would never be satisfied if things stayed as they were. If he is worth my time, he needs to pursue me too, and that wont happen while I'm chasing him. I think i'm going to implement a 30 day no contact (or at least a no initiate). Maybe i'll do a 30 day "Call off the search" (as you put it) and just focus on myself. This may be the right time to go back through your fantastic BCR You program again.
My big fear is that I will never find anybody better and then i'll lose him too. But I need to remember there are endless great guys out there. The only way my fear will come true is if I stick to chasing him, because then I block off these better opportunities to meet and develop connections with people who WILL show up.
I’m in the same situation! I agree with strength we need to break this bond to this person that isn’t there for us.