Is it supposed to be this complicated?
That's the question I was asked by one of my clients the other day. And just like I explained it to her, let's settle this issue for you as well.
Love isn't complicated. It's only because the only kinds of love we've ever known have been complicated, convoluted and conditional that we're so confused on this one.
When you're with someone who isn't playing with your heart, who doesn't need to project their own insecurities onto you to cover their own to make themselves feel better, you simply have two people getting to know each other and building a relationship based on earned trust.
You navigate the relationship together.
Whether you agree on everything or have several differences, you discuss things, you communicate, you don't play games with each other. You can do this because regardless of any differences, you're both on the same page, you both know you want to be here, you both know you want a real relationship, and you both want to see what might be possible.
So the problem isn't that love seems so hard to find because it is, rather that love seems so hard to find because we have so few healthy examples of the kinds of love we crave that we have no idea how to find it much less how to recognize it when we do!
The solution then, isn't to keep trying to find the love we think we've lost - which has us running around in circles - but instead to recognize where we're coming from, how we view love through our subconscious lens, and how we've learned to discriminate between what is love and what isn't and never will be.
When you can see the bigger picture like this, your story changes from "I'll never be lucky in love" or "None of my relationships ever work out" to "Why do I believe I'm so unlucky in love and don't have any control over changing this?" or "Why have none of my relationships ever worked out?"
When you can objectively break down the very words you're using with yourself and see the underlying belief systems that gave you those words in the first place, you have the root cause right there in front of you.
The chasing what was supposed to be can stop, the running around in circles doing the same things over and over again can be seen for what it is and stopped, and real options, real choices can begin to emerge.
In this same way, we can let go of the need for any of our relationships to be complicated and instead, allow them to be exactly what they are.
Relationships with someone who is either on our page and working with us, or not on our page and working against us, reinforcing all those hidden beliefs by the very fact that we choose to remain with them in spite of their complicatedness.
So in reality, once again we're the ones who have the choice to make and remain the only ones in control of ourselves and not something we can default away to something outside of ourselves.
Does this relationship that feels so complicated work for you? Yes or no is the only answer called for here.
If it does, then you have exactly what you want right now, even if that's not the story you're telling yourself - or anyone else.
If it doesn't, then you have clarity about where to go from here, for as we're all learning, staying in something that isn't working for us simply wastes our time and keeps us from being open to someone and something that will work for you.
Love,
Jane
I'm going to guess many of you are still feeling like your own complicated situation is different. I know you're not the only one! Go ahead and share your specific story in the comments below.
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