Our letter this week comes from beautiful Maureen. For all her attempts to address her concerns with her relationship, nothing has changed.
Here's what she wrote ...
I have been with this guy for quite some time. At first, we would meet up as often as possible - like twice in a week - but now not so often because we are both busy and I only get to see him once every two weeks.
The major concern is that he never communicates even if it's a good morning or calling in the evening to know how my day was. It seems like a task for him. He rarely initiates conversations unless I do or tells me he loves me unless I do.
He would go for days without texting me or even calling even if it's for a few minutes just checking up on me unless I do myself. Yet when he does,after days several days, he acts like we are okay.
At times he leaves me on read on whatsapp and yet he is online on several occasions.
I have tried talking to him about my concerns and he still does the same thing.
Everytime I call him or text him after he has left work in the evening, he tells me that he was too tired so that's why he never texted me or cared to call.
When we meet in person he is really sweet. I don't know what I should do as I have tried talking to him about my concerns but in vain.
Please help!!
Signed,
Maureen
My response:
Dear Maureen,
I tried to find something in here that constitutes a real relationship, but honestly, I'm having a really hard time finding it. Unless you initiate conversations, you don't hear from him. Unless you tell him how you feel, he doesn't offer you how he feels. He can go for days without texting or calling you even for a quick check in. He's online but not with you. And yet when you do connect, he acts like everything's okay.
Of course when you talk about it nothing changes.
It's because this is all he has to give you.
This is who he is, this is what he's capable of - this is what he isn't capable of, and this is all you're going to get from him anytime soon.
He's showing you, loud and clear, with his behavior - even after you've talked to him about it - that this is what he can give you. Even after you've told him your concerns. They fall on deaf ears.
Capable, Maureen.
I'm talking about his part here. What he's showing you is what he's capable of, and that's what you've got. That's who he is, that's what he can commit to, that's him. Beyond just words, but in his actions and behavior, he's showing you in a way that leaves the next part up to you.
The question is, can you accept him like he is, just like this, without him changing?
I talk about "capable" a lot on here because it's so important you don't fall into the trap of our primarly female programming that we can change these men if we're just loving enough, caring enough, space-giving enough, amazing enough, attractive enough, sexy enough, understanding enough ... you get the picture.
Capable means his part.
Is he capable of changing? We all are if we're motivated enough to choose to. But do any of these men change? Ask every single woman on here and 99 percent of them will tell you, no.
He doesn't change.
You do.
You compromise your values, your principles, your morals, and yourself all the way to accommodate him. And you're in good company here. We all do.
Until we wake up.
The biggest wake up call? Seeing the words in print "I only get to see him ..." Whatever words follow, nothing matters as much as that single word get.
You don't only get to see someone on their terms unless you choose to abide by their terms. You only get to do something or don't get to do something if you're not in control of your own life.
That's what these men do to us, Maureen. They take away our ability to be in control of our own lives because they demand we give up that control in order to be in any kind of relationship with them.
That's why this doesn't feel right to you. Because you can't agree to that. However subtle it may be, it's there. You're signing away your rights and giving them to him if you want to be in a relationship with him.
How can that EVER feel good to you?
Talk doesn't work, because all it does is reinforce you're the one on the begging end while he's the one in control. He doesn't have to change, because you're still there, you're still the only one initiating, you're still the only one doing all the work.
All for a payday that doesn't come.
Then the resentment builds. Then finally the dam bursts and you can't hold back and he turns everything - and for those of us who've been there, that means everything - back onto you.
It's your fault again.
Break this cycle, Maureen. It's probably not the first time you've been here and it won't be the last unless you take steps to change it. Not to change what has to choose to be changed for himself. But the one thing that you can change.
This pattern.
Talking doesn't work but actions do. If you can accept him just like he is, just like this, you don't have to do anything. This is your relationship as it is, not as you want it to be. Enjoy it, enjoy the good things about him that give you reason to say you love him.
Enjoy the good times, understand the bad is those parts of him and your relationship with him that he has to do something about - don't take that on yourself. Find your peace in accepting what is, and recognize the power that comes from knowing YOU'VE made your choice.
Not him or anyone else, but you.
But if truly can't live like this with him, if you truly know you deserve more, and the good parts can't make up for the parts that leave you calling out for help, stop right here. If he never changes, what do you do?
Answer that. You ALWAYS know what to do!
Love,
Jane
What about you? Do you have any words of advice or support for Maureen? Share them with her in the comments below.
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