Our beautiful friend Julie is going through an age old problem so many of us have encountered before; the guy who wants all the "benefits" but doesn't want the relationship!
Here's her email:
Hi there, I am not a younger lady, I'm a mature 56 year old and never needed an answer to a personal matter before!
I have been friends with a man for 3 years now and nothing but friends, going for drinks and a meal, to a meal at his. No hugs or a peck goodbye until about 2 months ago we became friends with benefits!
We have always texted mostly daily throughout the 3 years, mostly him first.
I started to have feelings 18 months ago but never told him. Since the friends with benefits started, my feelings have become stronger and I couldn't hide it from him! He likes me very much and we really get on but he doesn't want anything more, like a relationship!
I have backed off and he's still trying me, asking what I'm doing or what have I done and have a nice day but I haven’t replied!
Why is he still trying me and wanting to know what I'm doing if he isn't interested in me? I just don't get it. Is he playing games thinking I will go back when he clicks his fingers just for the intimacy part?
I don't know what to do as this is driving me mad and I've been trying to distance myself so as not to get hurt more than I already am!
That’s exactly it, Julie. If you’ve gone there before and had a friends with benefits relationship with him, he’s going to believe that he can convince you to go there again!
Of course he’s still interested in you! But only on his terms. He’s interested in you for sex, for intimacy, for this friends with benefits part that he wants, and for whatever else he’s attracted to about you – and I’m sure there’s many things!
The problem is, you want more than that. You want - what’s that? - a relationship.
Of course you do!
And that’s NOT asking for too much, Julie, unless that’s not what he wants. He’s still trying, he’s still contacting you, he’s still keeping an open-ended conversation going because he wants to keep the door open to still have something with you.
Maybe you’ll change your mind. Maybe you’ll miss him. Maybe you can be talked into coming back over for another round of FWB.
He may not even know his own exact reasons why, but he does know that it works better for him to have you still somewhere in his life, than to let you go into someone else’s.
Should that give you hope?
No. Not at all.
When you understand that no, this doesn’t mean he’s going to be ready for that relationship you’re looking for anytime soon, it makes it easier for you to decide for yourself what YOU want to do about it.
Reply to him? Keep NOT replying to him? Break it off completely telling him you know what you want and since it’s not what he wants, you’re going to move on with your own life with someone that is on your same page?
That’s what this really is about, Julie. It's about what YOU want to do, not about trying to read every possibility into what he might possibly mean in order to wrap your world around his. He knows you want a real relationship, not just a FWB one. Last he's told you, that's not the page he's on. One thing we know for sure about men, if he changes his mind and wants a relationship with you, you'll be the first to know. And that's whether or not you're still in contact with him. He's found you before, he obviously will know how to find you again!
One last thing, for right now, ask yourself this question. If the only way you can have him in your life right now is on his terms, with that level of intimacy without a real relationship, is he worth changing your mind for and going back to the FWB arrangement to keep him in your life, if that’s all he wants? If your answer is still no, then that’s your answer.
That's how you'll know it's time to move on and let him play his games with someone else!
I hope this helps.
What do you think about beautiful Julie's situation here? Share your words of encouragement and/or advice with her below in the comments!