You’ve been told so many things.
You’ve been told who to be. You’ve been told what to say. And you’ve been told that it all matters IF you want to find love.
You’ve been told so many stories so that you’d see why someone else knows so much more than you do. You’ve been told to trust, to have faith, to listen to what someone else knows.
After all, you’re single, right? Or worse, you’re in love with an emotionally unavailable man who can’t seem to commit. Or maybe you’re involved with a married man who can’t seem to give you anything more than empty promises.
But whatever your situation, there’s one thing you’ve got in common with everyone else who’ve been told all these things; you’re scared. Underneath the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the pain, you’re afraid it’s never going to happen again.
You’re afraid it’s never going to change.
And as long as you keep putting your faith in all these other people to make your own dreams come true, you’re absolutely right. It’s not going to change. Because what you’re looking for can’t come from them. They know themselves; they know every other woman’s individual situation as her own. But what they don’t know that matters more than anything else, is that they don’t know you.
Advice comes so easy these days. It's all over the Internet, in every article, in every story, in every book, magazine, or newspaper advice column.
Your friends have advice, your family has advice, even people you meet who don’t even know you have advice. They all do. And not just the married ones, no, it’s even the single ones who can’t seem to get it right themselves who are all too happy to share their own advice with you, too. We all do!
But even with all the advice out there, the truth is there’s only one way to change this. It’s by getting to know yourself. It’s by removing your own blocks to love. It’s by going back to that place deep in your past where everything became your reality in your very being – at the level of each and every one of your cells - where you physically, emotionally and mentally absorbed everything about your world.
It’s there that something changed.
It’s in that place where you lost you and gained a whole new way of living. It was called survival because back then, survival was akin to being loved. And being loved meant comforming to every one of those messages even if you had no conscious idea that was exactly what you were doing. No matter how much you thought you moved on from that place, it’s something you never forgot.
I wish that there was some magic fix. I wish there was some magic wand I could wave and everything would work out exactly the way you want it to. But I’ve long learned that what we think we want and what we actually need, are often two very different things until we figure out how to reconcile the two.
Honestly, that’s the biggest part of this.
And it’s actually very simple if we weren’t so entrenched in our beliefs that run so deep because of all the stories we’ve been told.
Finding someone to love and to love you back isn’t just a numbers game. Sure, the more people you meet, and the more people you socialize with and the more places you go to and the more things you do increases the likelihood of meeting someone who’s actually going to be compatible with you.
But when we’re talking about reality and not just some fantasy that never passes the reality test, it’s so much more than a numbers game.
It’s all about you.
Follow along with me here. If everything you know about yourself is what other people reinforced in you and told you about yourself and had you believing things about yourself at such an impressionable age that formed the basis of your self-identity, then who you believe you are and what that person you are requires in a relationship to be happy is going to completely based on that belief.
But what if who you actually are wants (no, needs!) something different? What if this less than perfect (but beautifully real) version of yourself is actually the real thing? And what if who and what she wants (and needs!) is something real, not at all part of the fantasy you keep looking for that’s only based on those same beliefs?
Are you seeing this?
Let me make this even easier for you. Finding yourself, your true self, is a pretty big picture concept, right? And figuring out the real you seems like a pretty complicated and equally as big picture endeavor, right?
But what if getting to know the real you was almost solely about uncovering those hidden (and typically incorrect) beliefs that you’ve been subscribing to without even knowing it?
What if the biggest work is just getting out of your own way by paying attention to what you actually gravitate towards, and where your happiest moments can be found, by remembering who you were and what you were all about right before you learned to adapt for everyone else?
There’s something more going on than mere coincidence that so many women find the love of their lives only after they’ve found themselves. They do this by putting all the energy they’d been putting into their search for a man into a search for their own individual creativity they’d long forgotten they had precisely at that place in time.
The premise of my own coaching and online programs are all about one thing – helping you stop blaming yourself long enough to figure out how to find yourself, and then showing you how to find yourself for yourself.
That’s so important.
Everything else that centers around doing and being and becoming what you’re supposed to be or should be usually doesn't work. At least not in the long run.
Because what happens when you get someone who’s only looking for that person you’re presenting yourself to be by following someone else's set of rules instead of the you that you actually are?
What then?
That’s what I’m talking about here.
There’s a mask we’ve learned to wear. Except the irony is we don’t know what our particular mask is or even that we’re wearing one until we’re ready to see it.
I’m here to help you see it, but you’re the one who delivers that particular dose of reality to yourself. And you do it when you’re ready!
Look closely around what you call perfect. Look closely around your ideals around perfection. Look even more closely around a definition of perfection that involves the people closest to you and the ones you surround yourself with.
You trying to measure up to someone else’s standard of perfection, whether it be with your words, or looks, or image, or presentation, or whatever else your particular brand of perfection happens to be, and trying to find your own perfect version of the kind of boyfriend or husband or relationship that you were told he needed to be, equals two people more concerned about living up to an image than being real with each other.
That’s why it doesn’t work out!
The story of who and what you are isn’t sustainable or attractive if it’s only a story and doesn’t accurately reflect your heart. The story of who he is and why he’s so “perfect “ for you doesn’t work if the accurate reflection of your heart is about a real man who will never be any more perfect than you, too, can ever be.
Go back to that moment when your story defined you because it became your reality. You’ll know when it was because it will be when your dreams came to a standstill, when you stopped putting all your creative energies into something you valued because it became more important to do something that some so-called they valued.
What makes you excited? What feels "happy" to you? What brings you to life?
If you still don’t know. Find your tears. What makes you cry? What brings you to tears? What makes the emotion real for you? Our tears reveal so much if we allow them to. It’s the places where we break that show us where we’ve been broken. And when we find where we break, we’ve found where we love.
And that, Beautiful, is where you begin to find your way!
I'm so glad you found your way here, Beautiful. Tell us in the comments how this resonated with you today!
Rosie/Sophie says
I have been broken to the point where my walls seem like it can't be move. I met this man a few weeks ago... Can I say it seem to good to be true! This man make me feel like I am love by someone, He treat me with respect. He looks into my eyes when we are talking. I get numb, nervous, scared, I shy away from him.. This feeling I have inside is hard to explain. I can't understand why it's so hard to believe him and why I'm having a panic attack. I feel so scared to open up. I don't know why I can't accept this. For someone to tell me they would never hurt me, his goal is to make me happy and he's aiming for that. Why do I feel like this like?
the block is in front of me. These are question I want to ask why me? What you want from me? I'm thinking because it seem like all the bad will happen again. I keep thinking he will hurting me when I start to let everything go so I can accept him. I want to let go of my past I want to give this a try, but it seem so hard to do. I want this the point I doubt this. Can he really be someone who would love me for me. He told me he chose me! I ask myself what is it that I'm afraid of. I want to be happy, I can't figure out why I can't stop feeling overwhelmed about letting him in. He is a gentlemen! Jen said "Underneath the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the pain, you’re afraid it’s never going to happen again". That's is what I think and it make me feel this way.. I cry ? because I can't seem to understand my guards are still up. I am scared,I am excited, I am nervous, I wonder if this would happen. I overthink and it hasn't even happen yet.. We just met, but I am running from it because I'm scared. ?
Angel says
Trust your feelings. You don't know this person. A few weeks is not enough for you to know if you can trust him. He has to earn that trust not just with sweet nothings, but with consistent actions to back them up over time. You don't have to open up if you're not ready. You don't owe him anything. If you don't feel calm around him, it may not be right, even if "logically" it doesn't make sense. Keep enquiring, find your own answers within for you. Not for this man, but for you. Walls come down easier over time and without any pressure, if they don't, then he's not right. Good luck.
Lolly says
So this past weekend I attended a Brian McKnight and Brandy concert all by myself, I remember some lady asking me "how come you came all by yourself"? And I responded by saying "well I'm not gonna stop living because I don't have a partner in my life" and I actually felt good after saying that.
I was sitting next to this couple that was very nice to me, the way I was so free, I was screeming on top of my lungs and the lady next to me kept on looking at me with a smile and envy, because she wasn't so free to screem and jump the way I did when Brian was singing and showing off a little skin??.....I realized at that moment how important it is to be yourself and to never wait for a partner to have fun , growing up I was always told that I'm too forward, I must stop behaving the way I used to behave in front of the people like the same behavior I had at the concert....
However my crazyness and excitement was shortlived at the concert when 3 ladies sat next to me and also started going crazy and shouting, I remember a little voice inside of me telling me that "they are better than you, who do you think you are?, sit down, know when its the right time to jump and screem, don't just shout like an uncivilized woman" I had all these feelings and thoughts all at once. ....even though I tried to be myself again and enjoy the rest of the concert a big part of me knew that I have some work to do when it comes to my self esteem.
Thank you Jane once more for a beautiful reminder to always be myself, your post today came at the right time I needed some reassurance that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm generally a person who loves good life. and a good laugh, I'm jolly and always in a jovial mood when i'm around people but I've been holding back a lot lately as I was told that Men don't like a woman who is loud and opinionated, but the musk isn't working for me because I'm still single, so clearly it doesn't work. So as from today I will learn to be myself, it won't happen over night I know but I'm tired of all the pretence I just want to be free and happy and the only way to do that is to be myself.
Jane says
Exactly, Lolly! I know I'm doing something right when this resonates with you! 🙂 And by the way, I was the family joke for years with my happy, love of life self. I always carried the belief that there must be something wrong with me but didn't know what to do so I did the only thing there is to do; find the ones who love you for who you are - happy, jolly self and all!
ella says
"Go back to that moment when your story defined you because it became your reality."
Thank you, Jane! This morning you helped me get in touch with the moment as a two-year-old child when I gave up my right to have anger and began to wear a passive complacent "good" little girl mask. I clearly remember saying to myself in that moment, "Anger is stupid. I will NEVER be angry." My father had contempt for people who became angry. He shamed my mother for her anger. She felt guilty for her anger. As a two-year-old child, I renounced anger because of what I learned from my parents, because of what they wanted me to be. In my adult life, so many times people have said to me, "I can't imagine that you get angry."
Of course, I have been enraged under my meek mask. Between the meek mask and the rage, it was difficult to do almost everything that I tried, including having a healthy relationship when I grew up. I took off my meek mask for 3 years of living together and 9 years of marriage that was a mistake. I expressed deep anger towards a man who didn't take off his meek mask. I also expressed anger towards myself through bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive overeating. It is occurring to me that I took off my father's meek mask and put on my mother's angry mask. Both masks prevented me from being myself.
"What makes you excited? What feels "happy" to you? What brings you to life?"
Today, the thought of taking off the two alternating masks (my mother's angry mask and my father's meek mask) I have worn is an exciting thought because not wearing either of those masks would take away two of the sources of my anger and resentment. The thought of being myself makes me feel happy. The thought of being myself brings me to life. Being myself is being a creative introvert who loves yoga, drawing, playing my autoharp, walking alone or with friends in the woods or by creeks, rivers, bays, oceans; who loves reading, writing, babies, getting up at 4 a.m. in the morning, going to bed early, getting 8-10 hours of sleep; who loves prayer and meditation, who loves music, who loves studying genealogy; who can accept the spectrum of feelings that are part of being human; who can live alone without being lonely because my life is so full of good things already. Being myself means grieving my losses and detaching with love from the past. Being myself means living full right now.
"Find your tears. What makes you cry? What brings you to tears? What makes the emotion real for you? Our tears reveal so much if we allow them to. It’s the places where we break that show us where we’ve been broken. And when we find where we break, we’ve found where we love."
The month of December brings up lots of tears and uneasiness for me that I usually try to repress. This year I am giving myself space to feel what I don't want to feel about numerous events in my life, going back to my childhood. One of the things I fear most feeling is happiness because December is the month when I have felt most happy about the same thing that eventually brought me sorrow that I could not bear to fully face until this year. I met the man I loved on December 14, 1966. That was day that I first felt fully alive. I felt safe enough to take off my meek mask. He liked who I was when he first met me. When he returned from Vietnam on December 8, 1970, angry and abusive, frightened, addicted to drugs, the innocent part of me that was able to feel anger and feel whole seemed to die.
This year I am discovering that the part of me that seemed to die in 1970 only went into hiding. I had put my meek mask on again to protect myself, just as I had done as a child. I could not be angry at him. I could only be hurt and sad. I could only cry but never found relief from tears.
Today my tears are of relief and sometimes even joy and recognition and gratitude.
And I want to share something I remembered yesterday. It is a man telling the story of a woman who knew what she wanted and told him. She was willing to lose him in order to be herself. They have been happily married for 40 years now. It is interesting, too, that he mentions a way that his mother defined him that he used to keep from making a commitment!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5qp_nELyI4
Jane says
Thank you, Ella. There's so much here. We do so much for protection, not only for ourselves but also for the ones whose pain we still feel deep in our hearts.
Angel says
Thank you, Jane for always understanding us and reminding us of the most important bits.
It sounds so simple, and yet the programming is so deep that we keep losing sight of these basic steps. I know I do.
My process has been rather slow regarding the mask because it speaks up on me all the time. I am not aware of all the facets of my very functional mask. But little by little I think I can be at peace.
A few weeks ago, I decided to do something I wasn't ready to do before. Something simple and silly, but that had so much potential to open a can of worms within me. I decided to stop straightening my hair. I know it sounds like a trivial thing, but to me it meant going back to confront a lot of harmful messages I receive as a child. I was always bullied and criticized because of my physical appearance. The word ugly was ever ready in the lips of so many people around me. Of course I grew to dislike everything about myself, my body, my face and yes, my hair. I always thought that maybe if I looked different, I could avoid so much pain and many someone would find me attractive. Of course I know better now, but even now in my thirties, it still made me panic to decide to stop trying to look different. I've been letting my hair be for about two weeks now. I know the world doesn't care about it, but I still feel so vulnerable wearing it as it was meant to be since it's how it grows. I panic a little every now and then, but I did feel something when I first wore it like that: I felt more like myself. I felt like I was a child again, and I was happy to see that little girl with kinder eyes. Of course I broke down crying. But it has gotten better every day. I feel a little lighter, calmer and at peace with myself. Let's see what other parts of the mask come up for me to shed and let go of. I am glad I am going through this process. Thank you for virtually holding my hand.
ella says
Angel, your story about letting go of straightening your hair and getting to experience yourself loving yourself as a little girl brought up tears of recognition for me.
We are not alone in our experiences. Thank you so much for your presence and insight and willingness to take healthy risks. I feel lighter and calmer and more at peace with myself after reading what you wrote, ready to take risks in letting go of my own mask.
Angel says
Thank you so much, Ella for your sweet words. I am glad I can offer something to other women who are also on the path to finding themselves. I'm glad you are here also sharing your journey with us and I thank you as well for your vulnerability and kindness. Much love to you.
Lolly says
I stopped straightening and relaxing my hair about 2 years ago and I've been natural since then, it's such a great feeling, I never knew that something so 'little" as hair could have such a great impact in my life, the compliments i get in my natural state are amazing, even when I'm among a group of women with beautiful "straight" hair I get to get the most attention as people always ask to touch my hair and asking how I maintain it etc.....So I commend you in your decision Angela, you are such an inspiration.
Its always greag to read some of your comments here as they resonate so much with me. It's high time we remove these musks and live for us. Big ups to all the Women here you are all amazing!
Gizem says
I naturally have wavy hair and i believe it suits me more than straight hair. Last week i met with one of my friends and she said she always wanted to have wavy hair like me. People think if they trade what they have with its opposite they will be happy and beautiful. I am happy for you, Angel. There is more than one way to be beautiful and you take a step to embrace yours. I have struggles in that area too but i started to look for the things that inspire me to embrace my beauty. I don't know if you have heard the ''Atlas of Beauty'' project but i suggest you to look at the photos on their page on Facebook. It is a project of a female photographer taking pictures of women around the world. I feel very inspired by her work. Most of them can't be categorized as beautiful if we evaluate them with Hollywood standards, but they are gorgeous. Beauty can't be limited with only certain features.
Angel says
Thank you, ladies for your words.
Gizem, thank you for the recommendation. I found her on facebook and you're right. It's wonderful!
Of course I know beauty is always in the eye of the beholder and on an intellectual level, I get that I was never ugly. On a feeling level things are a bit more complex, though. But I am ok, I'm on the process of recognizing my own value both interdependently and independently from my physical appearance 🙂
Jane says
No, not simple. Not silly, Angel. Huge. It's the little things that are so much bigger than they're supposed to be. It's no wonder even that surprises us. Virtually holding your hand every step of the way!
Annette says
This message really resonated with me. I do wear a mask when I try to look and act a certain way to get attention from men. I believe that I have to change into someone else to capture attention. If not, I don't feel that my real self is worthy enough due to pass rejection and low self esteem. Most times now, I'm without this mask because at 50 years old, I'm tired of not being the real me. I always wished I could somehow change into an image of a pretty, confident women who was in control. My mask hasn't worked yet and by the looks of things, it's not going to. I even went to a palm reader who told me my aura was cursed and that was stopping any relationship from lasting with me. Also offered to remove it if I paid her $500.00. It's not my aura, it's my thinking that's blocking me and how I feel and treat myself. I'm broken and tired and not sure what to do about it at this stage. I'm grateful for the messages you present and they always seem to apply to me. Even if I'm being myself and pursuing my desires, it doesn't mean that I will find someone to share my life with. Maybe, the saying is true, some people are meant to be alone.
Jane says
It's not your aura, Annette. You called it. And I'll bet you know everything else better than anyone else ever could to! Of course you're tired. You're tired for you, you're tired for every woman who's come before you who were told the same thing as you. Start small. There are no guarantees about anything except that you are loved with an unconditional love by whoever knew we needed you. And there's a reason only you know that we need you. Start there. Who would you be if you didn't need anything from a man, if you had it all to give yourself just by giving up the search to be someone who could never, EVER compare to who you are and what you have to offer someone who's truly worthy of you?!