Our letter this week comes from beautiful Charlie, who tells us her story of a painful breakup.
Here's the story she shared:
So, me and my boyfriend broke up about 11 days ago.
I asked him a couple weeks before if he wanted children and to marry me. He's said through the relationship that he does and has even given timescales. His answer was now "I don't know, they'd be a compromise." Then he acted strange for the two weeks after this conversation.
So I was unhappy as he was being rude and unaffectionate. We had a day out and it was like the worst first date ever.
Then Wednesday before last I cried at work because I knew I had to talk to him as he made it clear he didn't want to make plans with me the weekend before (watching fifty shades all day with his best female friend.)
So me being unhappy that he didn't even plan something with me and she wasn't even free that weekend, I got upset and decided we needed to talk.
We were together 19 months and suddenly something wasn't right. He'd just moved out and at that point had been out of his parents’ house and in a flat with his brother at the near age (just a few weeks away) from 27 years old. They had been in their flat for about 6 weeks at this point.
We had a chat, I cried, he said he didn't know what he wants in life then said it was my fault for asking him the serious question the other week "So I've been stressed at work, finishing later cause that's all I can think about"....
Then he said I want to be able to do stuff with the lads all the time now and use my money (which he never spends on us anyway) on them and annul leave (he was due to come abroad with my family in September... now I'll be fifth wheeling.)
Why after 19 months together in a relationship can someone say they love you "but I don't want to be in a relationship. I want to do things and not have to worry about what anyone else thinks, I only want to worry about myself."
So tell me? Is it because he just wants the single life again or is it because he doesn't love me like he said?
His mum and dad told me that weekend after the breakup, "Give it 5 weeks, he'll miss you and regret it so much he will want you back. Even if that does mean he goes elsewhere in the meantime. You were far too good for him."
Is he just hoping to be a teenager and not grow up and tot up his number now he's out of his parents’ place? Cause that's how it seems.
- Charlie
My Response:
There’s a reason it seems that way, Charlie, because we always see what’s there. Always!
This is the first part of empowering ourselves – just learning to listen to what we sense, what we feel, what we intrinsically know. We sense it, we feel it, we know it. So if it seems that way, trust yourself that yes, you’re actually sensing something that’s real. Believe that there’s something there.
I know it’s so hard to see this when you’re going through it in real time, but when your boyfriend’s parents tell you “you were far too good for him,” they know what they’re talking about. They see him – and then they see you.
They know him, and in the 19 months you’ve been together, it sounds like they’ve gotten to know you, too.
Look at who he is by how he behaves and how he treats you, not by the length of time you’ve got invested in him or how much potential he has. Who he is - and what he’s showing you about that person - speaks volumes.
Who watches fifty shades all day with his best female friend? Who even has a best female friend that takes away his time from you? Of course you got upset! Of course you needed to talk! How could you not?
He’s not sure what he wants in life. He can’t give you the answers you’re looking for. He’s being honest when he’s telling you he loves you “but I don't want to be in a relationship. I want to do things and not have to worry about what anyone else thinks, I only want to worry about myself."
Yes, it’s possible to love someone and still feel this way. I know this isn’t any real consolation to what you’re feeling, Charlie, but at least he's being honest with you.
I know it’s disappointing. I know that nothing I say here is ultimately going to help make it all better or take your pain and sadness away.
But I also know that pretending we’re on the same page as someone when we’re clearly not, only delays the pain, leads to even more sadness and takes away our shine. We miss out on someone who is on our page while we wait for the one who we’re pretending with.
More than anything else, Charlie, you deserve something real.
It’s not just that you deserve more or better, because I’m sure that doesn’t help you right now and probably only makes you feel worse because he’s the only one you want right now.
Even if you deserve more. Even if you deserve better. Even if you’re too good for him.
Real means him being who he is. And it also means you being who you are. He’s showing you and telling you who that is for him. And you’re telling him who you are.
It’s not your role to change him. It’s not your place to make him into what you want him to be. Some men have matured enough by his age to know what they want and to figure out what it’s worth to get there.
But many, many men his age still have a long way to go. It’s not your place to wait until he figures himself out. I can share with you so many stories of women who do choose to wait. I’m sure they’ll share their own stories with you below in the comments.
They wait and wait and wait and pass up more opportunities then they’ll ever know to be with someone who they don’t have to wait for.
You’re not alone, Charlie.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry for all of us who have to come to this reality crossroads.
I hope this somehow helps you to walk through this now. You always have a choice. To listen to him, and then to believe him. Yes, he can say he loves you. But yes, he can also not be ready to put those feelings into actions. But not ever, EVER, because there’s anything wrong with who you are and what you desire!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement (or your own story) to share with Charlie? Post them below in the comments!
He does not sound like boyfriend material, much less husband and father material. That's all I see from this letter. He seems like a typical boy trying to have a good time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it's not the profile of someone you want to be with, Charlie.
It's hard not to get attached to someone you spend time with, I'm sure you feel many things, but your feelings have also developed because of your own hopes and an image of potential, not just what you have shared together. This is why it hurts so much. Because we are in a way seeing our dreams shattered when the person we projected them on does not follow the script in our head and chooses to distance himself from us. It's gut-wrenching. But you will see things much clearer once you go through the process of getting over this person. You already have all the information you need. What are you going to do with it? That's your part. That part is the only one you have absolute control over.
I don't know what you would find is best for you to do with that. I can only say what I do when this happens. And believe me, some version of this has happened to me my whole life. When it gets to that point, I choose to respect that person's wishes and I remove myself entirely from their life. I grieve, I cry, I isolate for a while, spend time with myself and take it day by day. When I start to feel a bit more adjusted, I examine my actions and try to figure out where I could do better next time, and with that, I make decisions moving forward to care for myself and try to choose better.
I hope you lean on your family and friends, those who really love you, to get you through this. You will be fine. This boy is just that. A guy you met and who was supposed to be around for a short time. Use the experience to learn and remember that there are millions of other people out there. Someone else will be a better match for you.
Hi Charlie, I don't normally post on these threads, although I do read themore regularly. But your situation felt similarly to mine. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. My ex did a similar to your guy, and yeah, it broke my heart too. I cried for days. I didn't understand because I thought there was so much more to our relationship than a "I don't know?"
After relying on friends and these blogs to help me, I got back into town the dating world and met my now boyfriend of 2 years. I told him early on what I wanted and what I was looking for and he just smiled back at me and said, "Me too."
When I think back of my exes, I laugh at how stupid I was to bend over backwards for them, regarding my dreams and desires and beliefs.
If a guy wants you, he'll take you as is. If a guy wants something done, he'll get it done. Men who are paralyzed or dying get married and have kids. If a guy wants something, or truly cares about his significant other, he'll stop at nothing, or let nothing stop him. I know it hurts now, but just realize that there are a lot of sweet, handsome and funny guys that are on the same page as you. You just have to look around. Good luck
Hi Charlie, you deserve something real! Everybody does. But real isn't necessarily what I want right now. I have to learn this too. The men I loved never really wanted the same. I had the feeling they never really wanted me back. Not enough. So I stepped back. With a lot of help. By reading Jane's posts and doing one of her programs and by acting and really looking at my stuff. And finally, really listening to what my family and friends have always told me about the men I loved. And for the first time ever I am allowing myself to feel what it means to know. To have known all the time. To allow myself to know what I want and to wait for that. To feel that I can have it all. With patience and a lot of practice of loving myself. I hope this makes sense. I wish you all the best and lots of love!