You look back.
You look back at what was, not what is. You retell the story of how it should have been with your memory of what you did wrong.
It’s not too late!
Throw out the convention. Throw out the desire to have it the way your mind says it has to be.
This is your choice. You get to choose what terms you’re willing to accept.
This isn’t about him, it’s about you.
I’ve been working with a woman for years now, who has been trying to change the man she loves. She's miserable without him, and so is he without her. But together, they fight.
It’s amazing when it’s good. But it’s heart wrenching when it’s not. They've fallen into a pattern of push and pull that she’s aware of but he’s not able to see.
Unlike what she often feels, she has a choice.
She can keep pushing him, trying to get him to change. Or she can accept that who she has in front of her is the man he is. Years of being with him have told her this truth.
This works for him. He can’t, or won’t, or isn’t able to be anything else.
She’s proved this over and over and over again.
So now she has a choice.
She can choose to accept this and make a choice based on this reality.
Or, she can keep trying to change him.
The choice is hers.
But if she does choose to accept the reality she’s trying to prove different, she’s in for a pleasant surprise.
She gets her power back.
She gets to choose.
Does she love him enough to keep him in her life knowing who he’s plainly shown himself to be? Can she let go of the fantasy she holds in her heart of what she wants him to be?
Because this is the tough part.
You can have him. You can absolutely have him.
And this is the part you fight.
You fight with yourself after because you recognize that the choice was there all along but you couldn’t make that choice.
It didn’t feel right, you couldn’t pretend it did, you couldn’t live with his terms.
But when it’s over, you’re left with that emptiness. That emptiness only those who’ve gone through this understand so well.
So my question for you isn’t about what anyone else for all their well-meaning advice has to say to you; it’s about what you can live with yourself.
Can you live with something different? Can you live with the difference from the way it was supposed to be, to the way it really is?
You’re only settling if you view it as settling. But if you’re choosing, then the part of settling that kills our self-esteem and leaves us with nothing left of our self-respect to stand on, isn’t what we’re talking about here.
My caution to you is to make sure you’re not pretending you can do this if you really can’t. The one person we can never lie to is ourselves.
The truth will always come out in our heart, in our bodies, in our pain.
Throw out convention. Throw out the rules. Throw out the script. Your life is how you choose to live it and you answer to no one – NO ONE – but you!
What about you, Beautiful? Have you ever been in a situation where you were struggling with the way you want it to be in your head vs. the way it really is? Share your story with us below in the comments!
What about the women that want to move on but can't because of family obligations? How do they stay strong until it's their time?
I was in a relationship for 3 years with a man I viewed as "the one". He was everything I had dreamed about prior to meeting him. Tall, muscular, smart, handsome or so how we wanted everyone to see him. I got to know him and the real him wasn't this confident, suave man...I later realized he was a scared little boy. He was 15 years older than me and should have been ready for the same things I was. Over the course of our relationship he would tell me how he was going to propose and that when we had children he would be so happy...but eventually I could feel that things were not moving forward and I feared they never would. I too told him, you've got to make a decision about what you want and for a week we did not speak. I remember that day like it was yesterday. He came to my house on a Friday night and we had a great night. Saturday morning we sat down for breakfast and he says, "michelle, I decided I no longer want to be a dad." I was devastated at that moment. I think I replied something like, "what am I suppose to do with that." In a rush to judgement I told him we could no longer be together. I never wanted to end things with him, it was never a part of my plan. I loved this man like he was water to my thirst. I regretted it everyday up until a couple months ago. Slowly after the breakup he would lead me on and I was so sad even though I was the one who ended things. The ending of the relationship occurred over the next year and a half until finally I made a choice. I made a choice to love him and move on. I stopped responding to him and I chose myself and my own little heart. We are now nearing two years post breakup and I am happier than I've ever been. I am very happy with myself at the present time and eventually you do get there, if you just choose you...never settle.
I so relate to what you wrote, Michelle:
"I made a choice to love him and move on."
Yes I recognize that the choice is there when women have to figure out how to open your heart to men who break your beautiful you when they lied to women with nothing left of our self respect that kills our self-esteem can we live with the difference from the way it was supposed to be, to the way it really is?
Jane, thank you so much for your insight again. I just love love love your words. Two years ago you were brought right into my life. I cannot even remember how I came across your website....but I did....and it was definitely meant to be. Everything happens for a reason.
Anyway, I have not commented in a long while but I really believe I am in a good position to do so given the relevance of your post.
I had been with Donald for three years, engaged to be married. You might remember that I am in my late fifties and had been on my own for a very long time since my divorce. I never really looked for anyone as my heart had been broken so badly by my husband and I sort of closed off wanting another relationship. Instead I concentrated bringing up my son and daughter.
So when I met Donald I was not really worried about opening up my heart to someone, especially him. He came across as sensitive as me, he had a similar experience with regards to his divorce as me, although he had lost touch with his children. Such a broken man. Of course I was the person to fix him.
After a year we got engaged and I was so happy and excited. I wouldn't be on my own any more. My children had just left home and I now had someone who would just slot into their place. Or so I thought. There was never a right time to arrange a date for a wedding. There was never a right time for him to move in together. So after three years of waiting, arguing, and always me compromising, I couldn't take it any more. After a huge fight about not moving to the next level in our relationship, I ended things. He accepted this and let me go. I thought I would frighten him into making a decision. And he did. He decided that he didn't want to take things any further and I havnt heard from him since.
Now, you are correct in saying that if I accepted the reality of the situation at the time, I would still be with him. Yes, because that was his terms and what he was happy with. Donald had never wanted a deep and emotional relationship. He was quite happy with the way things were. We stayed at each others houses, we went away for lovely weekends, we went out on a regular basis.....but this would be the extent of our relationship. There would be nothing deeper than that. By this I mean if he lived with me or was my husband he would have been involved in discussions with regards our financial situation, our families and our needs and wants for the future. But by living apart and getting together our 'dates' were about entertainment, travelling......a companion really, but nothing deeper than that.
I tried to accept this. I was afraid to be lonely again. I did enjoy having someone to go out with and doing the 'couples' things - but I REALLY wanted more than that. I didn't care about getting married, really. But I did and do care about having someone in my life who will support my emotional needs as well. And I believe to do that a couple have to live together or get married if that's what they want.
So I gave him an ultimatum and it backfired on me. I had this fantasy of the two of us living in this lovely home, doing the garden together, making meals, buying a puppy.......etc etc etc......BUT THAT WAS NOT WHAT HE WANTED....and over the time we were together deep down I always knew this. We always have choices and if I could have lived the way we were I would have. I have plenty of friends and relatives who think living separately is a fabulous idea. Having the best of both worlds someone said to me. But I wanted more than that and everything came to an end nearly two years ago.
There were so many other things that happened at that same time. My health deteriorated and I had to give up work. I was hospitalised twice for operations. Everything changed and I was devastated. But I know that I made the right decision. NOW I know.
I couldn't live a lie. I couldn't pretend that I was happy and content when inside I was not. I think when you do that it comes out in other ways. There are arguments, low self esteem, fear and sadness - if we live somebody else's idea of a good life - because its not ours !!!
I am on my own now and some days I struggle to find a purpose to get out of bed. Sometimes I am content and happy. It depends on how grateful I am. I have so much else in my life. I have family, grandchildren, a nice home and my independence. I am slowly building up another path for me. One day at a time. That is all we have anyway.
I remind myself that this is MY life. Nobody else's. Live your own life. Be happy. Do what YOU want and don't go along somebody else's path because it wont make you happy in the long run. As Jane says we know the truth, we know what we want deep inside and its us that will suffer if we are not true to ourselves.
God Bless you all. I wish all of you the very best.
Thank you, Keyden. For your words. For sharing. For giving a glimpse into this idea of choice; that we might even have one in the midst of what feels like no choice at all. I'm so glad this one resonated with you and brought you back to catch an update from you. I remember you well! You're such a beautiful soul, Keyden. You've come so far! Just look at where you were when we first met, two years ago. Look at how far you've come! What you've learned, that you can speak to this like someone who knows because you do know! Please keep me posted. I know there's still more to come for you. Yes, it can be lonely, but as you're finding out, you're never really alone. And somehow, someway, despite everything we do or don't do, we always find our way home. Much love to you, Keyden. Lovely to hear from you. 🙂
I've been thinking about what I choose. But I'm still conflicted. I chose to be alone because I feel depleted to give anyone anything. Too numb to even pay attention to any man. But this tiny little thing inside me keeps nagging me. I still would like to have a wonderful partner. Then I think of what I would like and I don't think this man exists. So I'm back at considering being alone. My head has been going on nonstop about this subject. Some days I feel like I have to just accept what's in the world because what I actually would like is just not in store.
oh but now you've got something to work with, Angel! That "this tiny little thing inside me keeps nagging me" is your cue! And honestly, I feel more hopeful than ever because what's light and what's heavy is becoming more obvious, it's coming out through the cracks. Leave alone right where it is. Alone is fine, too. But don't ever accept less than that tiny little part inside you called hope knows best. That's where you go, Angel. With that tiniest of parts. What if it was in store?
Is that what hope is? This nagging, annoying part that says: "you can choose alone all you want, you know something doesn't add up". "You're avoiding getting hurt, you're choosing safety and that's why you're convincing yourself you want to stay alone".?
It is quite annoying. I do want to be super happy about being alone. That sounds so liberating and radical that I am fascinated by the idea, but inside me, although I like being alone, it doesn't quite translate into this super happy part. I wish it did.
I have had to walk away recently from a 5 year relationship that to me was a real relationship, but to him is was friendship with benefits and sometimes more depending on his mood. While I was in the relationship, I was not able to see how unbalanced it was. I gave and he received. I was involved with his children and family, he was not with mine. I always drove to his house, I always made time for him and made him feel special and loved. It just numbed me after that length of time. I was the one that drove the relationship, he just needed to sit back and enjoy. After all of the time we spent together and me being so involved with his children and family, he said that he wanted to be able to go out on a date if he met someone interesting (we were exclusive). This man, I have learned over the years - is a flyer, not a fighter. I had been pulling away because I was tired of the unbalance of the relationship and he felt it. So he was going to fly and telling me to see other people and he would like to do the same was his way of controlling the breakup. I agreed, because at this point I know that he is not the right person for me. I will not ever be someone's "ok for right now girl". I value myself way too much. Someone sent a quote to me and it was exactly what happened in my case. I will share it with you here:
Here's the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don't explain yourself. They accept apologies you don't give. They see the best in you when you don't need them to. At your worst, they lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside. The word "busy" does not exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don't. And you wonder why they're the most sensitive people. You wonder why they're the most caring people. You wonder why they are willing to give so much of themselves with no expectation in return. You wonder why their existence is NOT so essential to your well-being. It's because they don't make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they think they've earned and you accept the love you think you're entitled to.
Let me tell you something. Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don't become gray out of nowhere. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it's been treated with coldness for a while!
This is exactly what happened to me and I don't know if there is any going back to this man. But I will not change my good heart, I think it is a gift that you are given to share. You just need to attract the person that understands and cherishes it and whom will be careful not to make it cold.
It is a gift, Beautiful Soul. The most beautiful gift you've been given. We may feel everything so much more deeply than the rest, but in the end, to change would be to lose so much. So much! Hold on to that beautiful heart of yours. Don't change. Don't ever change that part of you. It's because of exactly who you are and how you love that you allow the ones who treasure a heart like yours to find you. We have to see this other side, to see ourselves, to value ourselves, to cherish this part of ourselves so deeply that we would never trade it away for the world. That's when we confirm what's been waiting all along for us. That we won't desert ourselves, that we won't abandon this part of us. And that's when with clarity so crystal clear we see and become seen. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad you found your way here.
All I can say is...I've been there, done that! I honestly don't even understand why I am so confused half the time. Most of the time, I am this in control woman that knows exactly what she wants, then he's on my mind again. Unfortunately, I have to see him and it hurts all the time. Much more than he knows. I've tried to talk to him and ask him why he wants to be my friend and why when I ask him a direct question about us, his answer is maybe or probably. Then I feel like he is misleading me. That somehow he must still want things to be open ended for him, so "maybe" when it's convenient for him...he can just walk back into my life. And to me that is just not fair. It's not right of him and so I eventually blame myself because I should of known better to get involved with him, but I know he is wrong to play these games with me. It's crazy. Most of the time he just avoids the whole conversation and the other times when I get him alone to ask what's up, he gives me the well, you never know! I am really sick of feeling this way. So now, It is my choice. I am making plans with me now. It is about me and it is my choice. I am not settling for this anymore. I feel like now I have wasted all this time thinking about the what if it does happen someday. I just cant count on that anymore. It's my time to live my life and to open myself up again to the possibility of a new more defined love. I want that now. I know he is no good for me because I have cried too many tears over him. I got sick over the whole thing and that alone makes me sick to think about it. So I am formally announcing out loud right now, at this moment, that I am ready to move on. Thank you Jane.
I'm hearing every word of your heart here, Lora. We're cheering you on! When every other part of us can spin this a different way, our bodies refuse to lie. Here's to you! To your power. To your choice. You get to choose. You can go back. You can move forward. You can always change your mind. And as we learn, it's knowing we even have a choice at all in the matter that sets us free. You're free!
You are not clear on what she wants in him to change. If its just different personalities and they have same values and love. Then thats fine. That in fact are most couples. They bicker etc. Healthy arguements. But if he is not treating her right with kindness love and attention and not putting her first. Having emotional crazy selfish actions then yes you don't accept that.
Exactly, B5. We always know the difference. And because we know, we can find the choice.
I've done this so many times, I can't count em! Yet, I keep falling back into the same pattern. Sparks fly, chemistry feels like love to me. I give myself unconditionally 150% and get about 20% return. I find myself flipping him the bird behind his back & promising myself I will break up "as soon as..." (usually I set a date like "after the holidays," or "as soon as my seasonal renters leave." The last time I did break it off, I became so depressed & lonely I called HIM for help (& I got it), but within weeks, we were back into the same old sh*t! I resented all of them for not taking my advice (to make changes in their lives that would make things "better for THEM/us." All futile efforts. At this stage of my life I have decided to just be me, alone (even though it hurts & I'm lonely), but until I can learn to trust myself with men again, I'm not dating at all. My hope is that Mr. Right finds me when I least expect it. 🙂
Hearing you loud and clear, Marguerite. I'm applauding you because getting to this point where you can see you have a choice is huge! And, incidentally, it's also precisely when Mr. Right seems to find you! 🙂
I know this very well. I am very good in telling myself stories about him in my head and imagining what I wish to have instead of really looking at what there is in reality. Sometimes I even have the feeling I am so delusional I don't even know what I truly want or what I can live with. Whether I really want those dreams I have or whether they are a product of what I have learned about love and relationships from the people around me and the media. I love him. But I have been trying hard to make it work. Trying to accept what is and still giving unconditionally. But I find myself pulling back immediately when nothing comes back. Then beating myself up for it because I gave promises in the name of giving freely that I didn't keep. And when I think about contacting him again I get very nervous. I want a real relationship. And I want to break the cycle of unhealthy patterns. I have started to really look at myself and focus on changing what I can, myself, and to create a life where I am responsible for my happiness. I hope to find out in the process what I really want and can live with. Not an idea, but what is true. I am very much at the beginning. But I will keep going. – Lots of love to everyone who is struggling with finding the balance between loving yourself and someone else. I have your back!
And we have yours, Judith. This process you're describing is exactly the one we resist, but so much the one we need. That you're here, that you recognize the path, that you can see the journey, says so much! Oh keep going! There's so much more to come for you!
I learnt along time ago you cant change a man, i learnt never to chase a man, praise his efforts and encourage him, give him his space, be a challenge, i never ever would try to change one, they have to do it themselves, also men and woman communicate differently, ive learnt alot
Exactly, Kim!