We all know the importance of self-love. We’ve heard it so many times, we’ve got it memorized.
You have to love yourself first because someone else can love you.
But what does that really mean?
Does it mean we have to be alone until we get this right? That there’s no hope for us to attract that special someone in our life until we’ve reached a certain level of self-love and emotional, relational health?
That’s just about enough to cause us to give up completely.
Why bother when it seems like we’ll never get there? Why try when everyone else must already be there since they’re meeting him and we’re still so far behind? And while we’re at it, why hope at all when we just keep meeting the same type of men over and over and over again?
Except that this isn’t the whole story.
Yes, it's true that we do attract the ones who we do based on where we are on our journey. The men we meet when we’re lonely and feeling down on ourselves are rarely the same men we’ll meet when our cups are full and our hearts are feeling loved.
Our priorities change when we’re not out looking for love like we don’t deserve to be loved versus when we know without a doubt that we deserve to be loved. And when we feel that love from within, we’re much less likely to accept crumbs, to grovel for what we can get, to fight for a love that is fully given instead.
But what does this mean for where we are now, right now, on our journey? What do we do with our lonely hearts, the feeling that we’re so alone with no one on the horizon?
What do we do with that?
We do the only thing there is to do, Beautiful. We push through.
We keep going. We stop and assess where we’ve been and where we want to go. We look at our path.
Does it reflect where we want to be? If not, we shift it. We make changes. It doesn’t have to be a big shift. In fact, it’s the smallest things we do differently that create the biggest changes. They’re the only ones that are truly sustainable over time.
This self-love piece that seems so out of reach? It’s not.
There’s so many smaller, do-able parts to it beginning with the most easiest place to start of all. With asking yourself what you need more than anything else right now. With asking yourself what makes you happy. With asking yourself how someone makes you feel when you’re around them.
Honestly, the part of self-love begins and ends most with simply becoming aware of who you are, of what you need and of whether the people in your life are adding to your life or taking something away.
Whether that’s your feeling of being okay just as you are or whether that’s the feeling of being anxious when you’re around them, listening to that little voice inside you that knows whether these are people who get to be in your life or not; these are the things that self-love is all about.
Start right where you are, right now.
Start noticing how something feels. Start noticing your intuitive reaction. Start listening to your heart of hearts. Start spending time around people who support you, who make you feel good, who accept you just as you are.
Start spending time in places that support you, that carry your goals, your dreams within their walls. Start getting involved with the things that light you up, that make you smile, that make you feel like there’s a reason you’re here on this earth.
That’s where things happen.
That’s where you meet him, Beautiful. On that path. Not at the end of some arbitrary point that someone else holds over you like some bar that keeps getting raised.
You set that bar. You grab hold of it. You bring it down to you right where you are and raise it up with you.
You’re enough right where you are, right now, and you’ll be enough right where you are tomorrow and the next day and the next.
This is how we do it. This is how we ALL do it.
Everyone who seems to have it all together. Everyone who seems to have so easily reached that pinnacle of self-love. This is the truth of what we all discover. Not in flying leaps that aren’t sustainable over real time. But one do-able single baby step at a time.
Have you been feeling overwhelmed believing there’s so much to do to get “there”? What one step feels do-able to you right now, today? Share it with us in the comments below so we can all cheer you on!
Over the years, I've realised one thing. A relationship is meant to make me happy. If it makes me so unhappy and obsessed that it affects my personality, my job, my relationships with those I love, and I spend sleepless nights crying with puffed eyes in the morning, it is not worth pursuing.
Life is too short to waste on being with someone who makes me unhappy when I could be spending that same time being with someone who makes me happy. Or in the absence of that person, being happy on my own.
If all else fails, try online dating to give yourself a boost of self esteem and to remind yourself that there is a world of men out there. All it takes is finding that one right person.
Hi All,
I was married 19, way to young, but we were married for over 25 years and I now have two great grown up kids, a grandson and another grandchild on the way. I was divorced last year and it's been a tough year , I have never been on my own .. I met my ex when I was 17 and didn't see it at the time how jealous and controlling he was , I just thought he loved me so much he didn't want to be without me ... how wrong I was .. however I am now free of that and the 1st year of being on my own was liberating and scary ! I met a guy I thought and still do think is a great guy, but he is going through a messy divorce and we eventually broke up.. we are kind of in "friend" mode as he has told me he needs to sort his life out first , he wasn't looking for a relationship but then he didn't expect to meet me ... we have been "friends" for over a year now .. and I am in a way I suppose waiting to see what happens .. was awful at first but I think I was just scared of being on my own .... a year on and if we don't speak for ages I am fine with it .. I miss the conversations we had .. but I am happy where I am at the moment.. I lost my mum this January .. and now I have just had a procedure because they found potentially cancerous cells in my cervix .. this made me want to turn to him for comfort .. I tried my hardest not to and confided in my close friends .. however when he asked how I was .. I couldn't help it ... the thing is it sets me back to fighting to get him out of my head again .. I feel like I am going around in circles .. and I know this is my doing . and I need to walk away .. but why is it so hard to do ??
Thank you Jane and everyone for your support. The last few years have been very difficult for me, but I really am Okay now. I am learning to love myself for the person I am and the person I am meant to be, and I am beginning to embark on a new adventure. Let's just say, I am on to bigger and better things...this time around, adding to my resume of life, fulfilling my bucket list, and still at my ripe age, I am learning a lot about how far I really can go -- that the sky is the limit.
It is now my choice, and it is not about being worried that I will let someone down or that I won't be good enough for him or them, but instead I will be good enough for me. That life is about creating your own path, taking those baby steps, and as I always say, 'It's a process because it cannot happen overnight.' It is about building trust within yourself first and listening to your inner voice. I understand that more now, then before.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul! I am grateful to many people that surround me every day. Even the people in my life that I know may not like me so much because of the way I approach a situation or the way I talk is not up to their par--- but still I learn from them and respect their honesty with me. Your words have helped me tremendously. I know now that I am going to be more than okay, and for sure, I can stop worrying about what the future holds for me --- no matter if there is a gentleman in my life or not. I know how to take care of myself now. I know I can do it. There is no doubt in my mind anymore, that it is about loving oneself -- I am just learning how to bring it out. I can blame all the crazy years of the verbal and emotional abuse of many people in my life, but I know I can't change what already happened, and I will not and cannot make excuses for their problems ----that it is the past and now it's time to move forward --- to keep moving forward. Forgive and forget. Let it go.
Thank you so very much, and I appreciate your time. Take Care Dear Jane! I will still be around to read your posts and if I can comment to help someone else, I will be right here. This site is amazing! God Speed!
Love, Lori
I'm so glad this is becoming so clear for you, Lori. As you're discovering, we can spend all our lives in the past trying to figure out what went wrong and why, but at some point we've got to come out in the light of who we are and where we are right now and not be afraid of what we might discover on the side of being true to the essence of who we are! Thrilled that you found your way here - and even more excited to hear how you're finding your way home to the heart of you. Thank you for sharing and for being such a beautiful part of this community!
Not a comment, but please tell me - if I post a comment will my REAL name appear on the screen, or can I use a screen name. I don't want my real name to show.
Thanks so much, I really have an issue and need advice - I think your mail to me has been going to my spam folder. Call me Lori.
I love this, Jane. Your words are like a constant reminder and cheerleader for me. I often feel overwhelmed and, in my 50s, just too late. I'm a natural introvert anyway and so it's easier for me to stay by myself, and the truth is that I have felt like such a failure in my life that I have become even more isolated. I do take care of myself - eat well and exercise - and I try to stay connected spiritually. However, my relationships (even with family) have always been difficult, which I don't understand because I'm fairly easy-going, considerate and generous. But it's like the difficulties with people keep me locked inside myself and I'm afraid I have come to have this deep belief that I'm unlovable. My last try at love last year confirmed this to me. On a positive note - I walked away when it was clear to me he wasn't ever going to love me the way I needed him to. I could have stuck around a lot longer clinging to the hope that he eventually would love me, taking the crumbs he threw me and playing it his way. In my younger years I might have, but I ran, as painful as it was. So yay for that.
I do know that I need to get back out there, join like-minded people and expand my world - not to find a man, but to find support. I'm going back to school in January to finish my degree and hope so much to embark on a career helping others in some capacity. I know that's the secret - get your mind off yourself by helping others - and I do have the desire to do that. But there's the constant anxiety and the voice in my head telling me it's all too late. I'm going to do it anyway. Thanks, Jane, for your timely encouragement.
I hear you, Anne. On so many levels I can relate to what you're talking about here. The overwhelm, the pulling back, the comfort zones that provide so much more than the far more difficult work of boundary-setting to be outside of them. I'm so glad this resonated with you, encouraging you. We all need these reminders for all those in-between times where it's so much easier to retreat back to our comfort zones than to come out into the light of the unknown. Do it anyway, absolutely. And know that in our own way, we're each of us doing it with you.
I thought I was the only woman on earth feeling this way. It's encouraging to know I'm not alone!
You aren't alone, Michelle! And thank you for your words, Jane.
O dear. I just wrote a long comment with my backstory. Did I erase it?
Perhaps I need to start here. I came to this website not because I had been looking for a relationship or in a frustrating relationship, but because a man tried to get my attention over a 3-year period of time, and this last spring I decided to give him some attention. He was always kind and respectful, but I wasn't ready for him. He is now very dear to me, although I have so much to learn about being in a healthy relationship. Soon I found myself puzzled and bewildered because I have no healthy experience with relationships. I googled "Why doesn't he call me" and found your website to be a lifesaver! We are in the fascinating and slow and careful and often challenging process of getting to know each other. We are both 67 years old. We have both been married once. He has been single since his divorce 25 years ago. He has three grown children and one granddaughter. I have been very happily single since 1984, after leaving a 9-year marriage that was a mistake because I married a man I didn't love when I was 26 years old. At the time I married that man, I had such low self esteem that I thought no one else would marry someone as unlovable as I felt myself to be. If my backstory isn't erased, you will know why I remained single after leaving that marriage. Although my hope is that this new man in my life and I can build a lasting intimate relationship "until death do us part", I am feeling good at this point about our growing friendship. He has some serious health issues that may be resolved by a kidney transplant. At this point, though, his health is quite good otherwise. We take long walks together. He appears to be in good health. We could have 20 years ahead or far less than that. Who knows? That is the reality for people who are in relationship in their late 60s and older. I just wanted to say that so much of what I have learned at this website has helped that happen. Thank you, Jane, and everyone in this community of beautiful women who are worthy of love.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Amanda. Back story erased and all, we are ALL worthy of love! And maybe that's why the backstory didn't come through - because there's a new story that matters far more. 🙂
That's what I was trying to say. We are ALL worthy of love (-:
Great post, Jane. Thank you! It came at the perfect time for me, as I've been feeling down because of some "friends" I've felt pressured to retain in my life, despite my gut instincts (over years!).
What you say is so true and applies to everything in our lives, not just men. "Honestly, the part of self-love begins and ends most with simply becoming aware of who you are, of what you need and of whether the people in your life are adding to your life or taking something away." Yes, I relate to this. I feel the need to reclaim in my life the space I've allowed people who bring me down to occupy for too long, out of a sense of misunderstood (or misplaced) "kindness." I was trying to be kind to them but was feeling awful after being in their presence. The thought of finally letting go feels me with peace. To feel relief, that should count for one tiny step forward, right? 🙂
Absolutely, Paula! Oh how many of us relate to this - "out of a sense of misunderstood (or misplaced) "kindness". I'm so glad the timing of this piece came through for you. 🙂