How do you stop attracting the wrong guys? One of our beautiful readers, Nicky, is having this problem that so many of us (myself included!) have struggled with at one time or another.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane
I don't know where I'm going wrong but I always manage to fall for the wrong guy - help!
I started off in my late teens by falling for guys who either lied or emotionally black mailed me and after learning my lessons on that one I now attract guys who can't commit.
My last relationship of 3 years strung me along believing he wanted marriage and children like me but then when it came to committing to that he then just selfishly dropped me and said that wasn't what he wanted.
After getting through a couple of years of heartbreak I'm now more wary and am dating a guy who I've been very up front with and said I've always wanted kids and that it's a deal breaker for me.
I get on really well with this guy and feel very comfy with him but he's said he doesn't want kids and I really don't want to hurt him and know I should just say sorry it won't work and move on but I also don't want to and would like to remain friends but then worry will that do either of us any good as the attraction will still be there but we can't offer each other what the other wants.
However I'm 41 and scared to let him go in case I don't find anyone else and end up lonely the rest of my life.
Please help me with some words of wisdom and help me make the right and kindest choice as I never set out to hurt anyone. ?
- Nicky
My Response:
Let’s change this, Nicky. Let’s have you fall for the right guy instead. Let’s have you attract the right guy this time. Let’s change that old story of "always falling for the wrong guy" to your new story of "choosing the right guy"!
Because you can. And you will.
But to do that, we have this thing we always seem to have to do first.
I used to think it was just me. Then I realized my friends were doing it too. And now after years of working with women sharing their stories with me, I’ve come to realize this is what we all do.
We find out what we don’t want first, but it’s tricky because at first we think we do want exactly that.
We attract the wrong ones first.
But somewhere along the way, something changes.
What changes? Our hearts break. They break again and again. And after we feel like it can't break anymore, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and decide enough is enough.
We get done. Really, really, really done. And it’s when we’re done – and only when we’re done – that we start finding out we don’t really want what we’re attracting and who we’re falling for, and instead, we start to get clear about what we do want.
This is where you are right now, Nicky.
Your words are screaming not on the same page here as loudly for me as I’m sure they are for everyone else reading this. Except that your heart is still stuck in the place that says, this is what I attract. This is who I’m attracted to. This is what I want.
And so it’s no wonder you’re confused and unsure what your next steps should be.
What’s really cluing me in to who you are and what’s going on, is your concern about not hurting him because as you say, you never set out to hurt anyone here.
But Nicky, isn’t this hurting you? Aren’t you already the one who’s hurt? I’m hearing you say you’ve always been honest and upfront with him and told him you want kids and it’s a deal breaker for you if he doesn’t.
Did he forget to tell you then that he doesn’t want kids? Because when you’re honest and upfront with someone and you have that kind of conversation, someone who’s on your page will share where he’s at on that subject too. Especially on that kind of a subject! That’s kinda significant, right? Particularly when you’re not just kids yourselves anymore.
So Nicky, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to figure out what’s yours and what’s his and separate the two.
What’s yours is what you want, and what’s his is what he wants, and then if both of you don’t want the same thing on the things that matter the most with you, I want you to figure out what you want to do with that.
You get to decide. In fact, you’re the only one who can.
Because as wonderful as "comfy" can be, compatibility on the things that are deal breakers for you make everything else pale in comparison.
Do you have to move on? Can you stay friends?
Well, that’s something you have to work through for yourself. Some women can do that without fooling themselves that he’s going to change. But I’ve never been one of those women and I’ve never personally met a women who could.
Most of us get confused when there’s still an attraction. Most of us get confused enough to forget who we are and what we want. But if you can do this without fooling yourself, then go for it. Just be honest with yourself every step along the way.
Ultimately, you're the only one who knows in your heart of hearts what is best here, so don't let anyone else's voice drown out your own. Listen to that little voice inside you that knows what's best for you.
When we ask ourselves the tough questions, when we put out a request for an answer from the Universe, she always shows up. And in receiving her answer, we find our own.
I don’t believe in drawing out our decisions once we've made them. Decisiveness moves us along faster. Decisiveness is kinder in the long run if it's our truth. And it gets us moving in a different direction a whole lot faster than dragging things out while we go back and forth to come to the same conclusion months and years later.
Does it matter what words you say? I think you’ve captured this here, with “sorry, it won’t work” or something along those lines that reflects our truth.
You owe it to yourself to be honest with him - and you. And I have a feeling you’ll say it in the kindest, most loving way possible. In fact, I’d bet on that one.
Hope this helps, Nicky. I think we all want honesty, even if it's not always what we want to hear.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words of wisdom, encouragement or advice for Nicky? Share them with us below in the comments!
Nicky
yes listen to that little voice inside it never work if you ignore that voice the first impression is the impression are so important you owe it to yourself be honest to him with all the attraction you have coming from him dose it matter. know i waited for four years and it never work if it is not what you both---want. because i was waiting for him to change on promises that never happened 90 days is proven to work you can learn so much about a guy if you just take him true that bargain to take it slow and just have fun just be friends i m learning and still looking for MR RIGHT.
This shows someone who cannot make a decision. Someone who still fears and doubts. Know what you want a life and make a decision. Life is black and white no grey area. Build your mental stability
My thoughts on this trust you own inner body clock , it's nit about his wants, it's about your own wants. Go for it lady with a man who wants the same as you..... You never know you could have a wee bungle of joy, then all the rest will mealt away. Good luck and love.
The ladies have said most of what needs to be said, but I will weigh in with my humble thoughts.
You're clinging to this man out of fear. Terrible idea. Fear is the worst motivator when it comes to making decisions. The writing is on the wall and just the fact that you see it is amazing. Keep track of that and heed it.
Being friends with someone you are attracted to is usually a bad idea. You end up giving in and neglecting yourself.
What I think you might want to consider is the having children part. Sit calmly, meditate and ask yourself a question: if you have to choose between having a partner and being a mother, what can you live with? What can't you give up whatsoever? That's how you find out what truly matters to you. Some women come to the realization that even though they want children, they can be happy without them. That gives them an extreme amount of relief. Others realize motherhood is their calling in life, so they go ahead and call on their support system: parents,friends, relatives. And then they make the decision of being single mothers. Even though it's definitely no picnic, they go on to feel better about their lives and even fulfilled. I have met both kinds of women and each changed their lives and took control of their journeys instead of deferring to men to make things happen for them.
This is of course one way of going about things, ideally you find both, but sometimes you need to get over the whole fear and search and just live a life for yourself and not someone else. Hurting him is the least of your problems when your life is at stake. Clarity and decisiveness can make your life a lot better. Good luck
I feel on some deep level, you feel or hope that if he liked you enough, maybe he would change his mind about kids. When there is mutual attraction, staying friends with someone is just a bad idea. It's better to "hurt him" and yourself now early on, than to get both of you involved in something that definitely wont work, waste a lot of time, and then hurt even more later.
It also feels comfortable to have SOMETHING (even when you know its wrong) than to go back to nothing. But it only hurts more later.
I can relate to the attracting the wrong people. I basically am a magnet for married guys and only married guys. I don't understand it, but I don't get sucked into it either anymore. They still keep coming though, how do you rewire your magnets???
there's a very dangerous idea buried deep within this initial question that says "maybe if I can prove i'm good enough, he will want to have kids with me". You are already good enough! Beware!
The only thing not covered here Nicky is that you are 41. I'm concerned you have doubts about breaking up with this guy, because I am wondering how subconsciously you have attracted a guy not wanting kids, when at 41 you have had a major deadline there for years. It's highly possible at 41 you won't be able to conceive. (It's terrible that woman has a deadline and men don't, I think it's disgusting actually).
I had a friend once who swore black and blue all she wanted was to get married and have kids, yet she attracted the opposite. When she was past her child-bearing years, she looked back and said, I honestly believed I wanted that, but I actually didn't. Maybe this guy is intuitive and knows, you are biologically past it ? Just an option to consider. Because if this guy is otherwise great for you, maybe you are asking because part of you knows, your body is past it. Unless you get clear about having kids no matter what. Eg, adopting or surrogacy as an option, with a guy happy to go down that path. Or maybe you are happy to be a step-mum. I would be getting my eggs frozen quick smart, and a fertility test if that's what you really want at 41. Every day that goes by, that dream is slipping away, if not already gone.
Thanks for adding to my response by adding yours, Sally. Getting clear with ourselves helps immensely in this process!
You are 41 and trying to hang onto him because you are afraid that you may not find what it is that you really want. I got divorced at age 47 and did the same thing so I feel your fears. You need to consider yourself and take care of you. Like Jane said.... why are you worrying about hurting him all the while hurting your self in the process and delaying your happiness. Let go and make room for the right one:) best wishes to you. you got this!!! Btw I let go of someone I was clinging to out of fear. He wanted to stay friends but I told him I am not your friend. It's so powerful to feel in charge of your own life. I will turn 49 on 10/20. I will marry the right one on 10/21. Your happiness is out there but you need to remove anyone who is not on board with you 100%. You can do it ?
Good advice but I have all but given up on any meaningful conversation with men especially over 55. I have spent years reading more books about relationships and never met one man who bothered to read any on how to understand a woman or make his relationship work
Nicky, I am 57 years old and have played this game one too many times in my life. Although I don't choose guys who are commitment phobes, I choose guys that are needy in some way, & I think I can "help" them. This is an addiction...it's my need to feel needed. I did Jane's Beautiful Radiant You course and it has made we aware of my repeated behavior & changed my life path dramatically. Yes, I'm still holding on a little to the "last guy" because he's ill & has no one else (no friends, family, or support in his home town) so I'm still "taking care of him" in some ways but, I have expressed to him that "we don't work" as a couple & he & I both are dating other people. It's SO hard, but if you just follow Jane's program, you will realize some things about yourself that will allow you to move forward...one day at a time.