Why Did He Disappear On Me?

Our letter this week comes from our gorgeous friend, Jade, as she tells us the story of her rocky relationship with a disappearing guy.

Her letter:

Before I ask my question, I want to give you a background story.

I've been with this guy for almost 3 years now. We've had ups and down the first year, but that's normal. But then came the twist.

Around January 2015 he left to boot camp, everything seemed okay after 3 months of not hearing from him, but then around August of last year, he left to North Carolina for school (Military) and he changed.

He stopped calling me and texting me, I caught him flirting with women on social media, he deleted photos of us, he would tell those women how he felt for them, (ex: "I find you really pretty...") and so on.

He would then tell me how annoying I was and clingy, take in mind that we were in a long distant relationship.

I made the mistake of snooping due to the constant fear of him cheating. I found out a lot of things, and it killed me. He dumped me for a day or so and then would call me saying he didn't know what he was doing.

It was a constant toxic cycle  until  he finally burst telling me how stupid and ungrateful he was. He told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. I chose to believe him so I forgave him.

But then towards the end of that year around December, I was finally going to be able to see him (for my winter break). Something in my heart made me feel like something wasn't right. (He was sent for 2 weeks in the beginning of  Dec, to a desert).

I began to snoop, and realized that after telling me he was going to sleep, he ended up flirting with an old friend of his, who he supposedly hated.

It crushed me and called him out on it.

I told him I had been snooping and he turned the fight towards me, and the end made me feel like crap. I messed up by going through his privacy, but then again I caught him.

Anyway in that month we met in person, I cried as soon as he held me and we had a long deep conversation. I thought all was good and it was for a few months. When I left to school around January, things went smoothly, but quickly fell.

He dumped me again, through text, because he felt I deserved better, but then called me back the next day telling me how sorry he was and began to cry.

Again I fell for it.

It was a constant battle to talk to him. I know I must sound like I'm crazy, but I was stuck on him. I was in love with a toxic guy.

But fast fowarding to now.

He recently had broke up with me again, because he was tired of my "nagging" when in reality I had found out he was talking to his old love, knowing it bothered me, and even after he would tell me he wanted nothing to do with her. I got angry and called him out.

But like always he would change the argument to blame me. He broke up with me for a while and it's been the longest he's ever done that. But, then he asked to speak to me and cried like I've never seen before.

It scared me because I thought something was wrong, he asked for my forgiveness and told me that he needed help because he was losing it and so on. There I went like a puppy and we hugged and cried together.

He told me everything he needed to change and I told him everything I needed to change, it was almost too perfect.

He took me out a second time and we had another deep conversation and I thought all was well. When suddenly, it started to happen again. Not even 2 weeks had passed and he was already avoiding me, not talking to me for 3 days and so on.

I had wanted to hang out with him because I would be leaving soon to college and I had only one chance to see him. I almost had to beg for him to say yes. He kept telling me that it was no big deal and that I should be used to leaving already. But he finally agreed.

On that day, I got ready, I was happy, and sat there waiting. Hours passed and nothing no call nor text.

I texted him that I was ready, and nothing. I called him and it send me straight to voicemail. I tried multiple times and nothing. I ended up calling one of his family members  and they told me he had left with a guy friend.

I was in shock, because he's never bailed on me like this.

He's done so many hurtful things, but this was painful. I started to get concerned in why his phone didn't ring when I called. It would ring once and then send me straight to voicemail. That's when I realized he had blocked me.

I confirmed it by using my mom's phone to contact him, and it rang normally. I tried to get a hold of him and he would click after the 3rd ring each time. He left me hanging without a word as he sat at home having a good time while I was left heart broken.

Jane I know I need to move on, but I loved him to much. I put so much effort into this relationship and he just threw it away like nothing.

I'm so hurt because I have so many questions. Like what happened? Why come back the first time if you would do something like this?

- Jade

My Response:

“I almost had to beg for him to say yes.”  

This, Jade, this sentence is the crux of what’s going on.

You’re giving away all your power to him. You’re feeling none of your own. You’re doing anything you can to grab onto something – anything – to gain a foothold here, but it’s not working because you can’t make someone love you, you can’t make someone want to be with you, you can’t change someone to make him into the potential you sense he has.

You didn’t have to snoop – you knew. Whenever we snoop, whenever we go where we know we shouldn’t go to prove to ourselves what we already know, we only give someone a case to turn the tables on us.

He deflects what’s wrong onto you. He has an out now, and he’s taking it. Honestly, Jade, being with men like this makes us do all kinds of things we never in a million years thought we’d ever do because they are so full of conflicted feelings that they are not in touch with at all!

They’re little boys inside.

They cry now with us because they were never allowed to cry with anyone else. They appeal to our deepest empathetic selves because they’ve only known a father whose expectations they could never live up to or an overbearing mother who they never dared to stand up to.

Powerless is how they feel.

Torn between what they know they should be and what they actually feel but have no socially acceptable outlet to express, they find us.

He finds you, Jade.

With a heart so full of love waiting to save him even as he pushes you away in every way he knows how except to say the words firmly and clearly so you will actually believe what he’s saying.

Except that he doesn’t know how to do that.

Except that he doesn’t know if he even wants to do that.

Except that doesn’t know why he has such conflicted feelings within himself and he can’t bear to have you disappointed in him like he’s experienced so many times before.

What happened is that you got to see who he really is, someone who can do this.

Why? Because he’s confused, conflicted and we fall in love with him precisely because he’s conflicted and confused even if we can’t see this for ourselves when we’re in it.

Not when you love this man like you do!

Be proud of yourself for seeing that you need to move on. He’s showing you over and over again the cycle that’s working for him, and it’s clearly not working for you.

Love is a beautiful thing, Jade. This isn’t. This is tearing you up, bringing out the worst in you, and setting you up for heartbreak every time you confirm what you already know.

I know you may not see it now, but soon, very soon, you're going to see this as the gift that it truly is, because now you're free to find the kind of love that you really want - and deserve!

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other words of advice, support and encouragement for beautiful Jade? Share them with us below in the comments!

Does this sound familiar, regardless of how different the details may be? I know. It was familiar to me, too. So familiar that I wrote about it in detail in my most popular program “Why Men Pull Away.” Find out why. Then do something about it. You can!