Our beautiful friend, Tali, had her boyfriend of 4 months suddenly pull away and then disappear and she's wondering if he'll ever come back.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
Thank you I just read your reply to Elise's email and it helped me as your emails always help me when I'm going through these constant painful patterns.
The guy I had been seeing for 4 months, who was calling me every day, sometimes even talking on the phone for hours and we were going on dates...messaged me and told me he needs time and he will find a way to get our connection back.
I was very upset and wrote back to his message including questions and he never wrote back.
That was 4 months ago and I still haven't heard from him.
I feel so much sadness and pain and I haven't run after which is not in my nature anyway although somewhere deep down I want to message him. I'm just finding it so hard to get closure within myself because of the fact that he told me he just needs time and will be back.
Although at this stage I really don't think he will be back.
Some tiny part tells me to wait but I know I shouldn't although I am struggling to let go. Out of all the men in my life we had a crazy amazing connection, something I've never experienced with anyone else.
I did not sleep with him but still cannot let go. This is the third guy over 2 years I've had to let go, when will my man come and stay? 🙂
If you have time I would love some advice but if not still just writing to you helps me release some of my pain.
Thanks for listening.
- T
My Response:
Oh Tali, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. But I’m glad my emails and responses to other women going through similar situations are helping you. We're here to support each other!
There’s something you need to know about these types of connections. These crazy, amazing connections that rival all the rest.
They’re real.
You feel them because they are real. You feel them because he feels it too.
The potential for the most incredible of relationships is there, but the problem is, you can’t be the only one trying to sustain this type of connection. You can’t be the only one willing to do the work, capable of making it what you both feel it has the potential to be.
This is why it always takes two.
And it’s also why we keep showing up for this type of relationship, with this type of guy, with this kind of potential. Because it doesn’t stop there.
It brings us back to someone else, to someone else who also had that kind of potential. Usually our fathers, sometimes our mothers, but always someone who wasn’t capable of giving us what we needed way back when.
Understand that part, Tali, but don’t stay there.
Yes, it helps to understand, and without that understanding it can be so hard to move forward, but once we accept what we’re doing by repeating these patterns over and over again, we need to ask ourselves the bigger questions.
What will someone be like who you never have to let go?
What will it be like for you to be with someone who will always want to be with you?
When we don’t have a model for that, we have to create one for ourselves. We have to create the feeling, the expectation, the absolute certainty that the only guy we’re going to allow in our lives is the one who’s ready for everything we are and everything we have to offer.
The only one!
Then, and only then, does that same absolution allow love to meet you right where you are with someone who embodies exactly what you’re calling in.
Someone who never leaves when the connection starts to wane. Someone who you never have to let go of.
We get carried away with intense attraction and incredible connections, but we have to take it slow so he can show us he doesn’t need time, and he doesn’t need to work to get your connection back.
He’s bought into it , too. He believes it has to be that intense, that it has to be that amazing, and without that, he’s not the man he’s supposed to be.
It takes a man who’s gotten beyond that, who’s has his own models of men who are strong and yet in touch with their emotional sides as well, who can sustain a relationship that lasts over time instead of just an instant connection with nothing more to sustain it.
There are men like this out there, Tali. I’ve met them. I’ve known them. I come across them all the time.
But when you’re looking for only one kind of guy, when you’ve only got your eye on the ones who only know the part about creating that intense connection with you and then leaving when the reality of what a real relationship takes kicks in, we make it that much harder on ourselves to find them.
It's why I created an entire program on just this topic "Why Men Pull Away: Breaking the Cycle of Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men Who Won't Commit".
You’ll let go when you’re ready. Don’t try to make yourself.
In time, the more perspective you have on this, you’ll do it naturally on your own. Right now, this is more about you than him.
You’re wondering why this is the 3rd guy in two years that you’ve had to let go like this. You’re questioning if you’re ever going to change this pattern. You’re wondering when it’s going to be your turn.
Oh Tali, your turn is coming!
You already have everything you need, you’re already everything you need to be. It’s realizing this where our greatest work lies.
You can do this! And I’ll be with you every step of the way.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of advice and/or encouragement for our beautiful friend Tali, who's going through this difficult time? Please share your thoughts with her below in the comments - she needs to hear from you!
My boyfriend and I was happy together....he was the first who talk about marriage and children..we meet on Facebook..we were friends and then become lover....he always says that for him yes we are life partner and me I am still in doubt.. I ask him lot of questions like why and he said that it is very formal..he says that I am a good girl and will be a nice wife.. but now it has been more than two weeks no new of him.. messenger was the sole way of communications... but he has removed him on messenger and create a new account on Facebook...I want to know if he can come back or no
Thanks beautiful Jane and beautiful girls for your great comments and great advice! I am really thankful I could reach out to all of you to discuss it!
I will continue to work on myself and enjoy me 🙂
Love tali
So glad you were able to receive the love and support from this beautiful community, Tali. Keep us posted! I know there's so many wonderful things in store for you! 🙂
I so understand you... Do we wait? Could we have done something different? Jane, girls, I need your help, advise.. some guidance... I have an ex-boyfriend who after 6 years apart came back wanting to see me for coffee. I said yes, it's just coffee... It was great! We connected perfectly… then he wanted to see me again, we spent a wonderful weeekend together like boyfriend and girlfriend again. Then a week passed and since hadn't heard from him I texted, just saying: Hey, loved seeing you again, thought about you the whole week, would like to keep seeing you... He replied, very sweet and polite saying that he loved the weekend together but he is too focused at work and his studies and since he just broke up from a serious relationship (he broke up with her) and he wants some time for himself. Wait, what?
He deleted me from facebook (despite he saying, noo I did not do such a thing, let me see whats wrong there… and nothing happen) and I saw some old public pics of him with his ex that he hasn't deleted. I know it sounds silly but it hurts! Why did he call me?? I loved him 6 years ago and he broke up with me because he said he wasn't ready for it to become that serious (we were together for 3 years). He knows me, he knows what I want. I thought that he had changed, he was ready and it was me he wanted. I thougth that would be the only reason someone breaks up a relationship and quickly calls an ex. Why would he do such a thing? My heart is broken all over again and it it all happened so fast! I don't know if I said something wrong, if he thinks I'm crazy for wanting something after so long apart… But he was the one who called me! Why? I'm so confused...
You didn't do anything wrong. This is simply a person who is not self-aware and who just doesn't think about how his actions affect other people. He just wanted an easy hook up with a nice girl. Nothing more. I can only imagine the pain you must be in, but the only thing I think you might want to do is reflect on why you assumed so much when you had no true evidence of this person's intentions. What are you looking for? What is it you are projecting onto him? What is it you truly want? How do you feel and what does the feeling tell you? Focus on you and you alone. Lose this guy's number. He is not right for you. Trust me, he is just human, like everyone else. He is not that special. Just take what you can from this experience. Learn from it, process it, get clearer on who you are, what you want, and what kind of man deserves your attention and from there, start acting in alignment with what you decide. Big hug.
Thank you for taking the time and for your kind reply Angel!
You're confused because he gave you so many reasons to be confused, Anna. Don't take this personally! You didn't do anything wrong and you're not crazy - and it doesn't matter what he thinks. Find your peace in accepting that he wasn't on the same page as you even if he thought he was. Obviously, he took the passive way out because he couldn't be honest with you. I know it's hard but try to see that you were saved from any more heartbreak when you were that much more in. You deserve to be loved, Anna. With someone who's not going to give you mixed signals. When you feel confused, that's your sign to run as fast as you can in the other direction. Love is never confusing!
You, your blog and all these girls have been helping me in so many ways I cannot begin to describe... Thank you Jane! So much!
I'm so glad this is all helping, Anna. You're so welcome beyond words!
Tali, whenever I meet a guy I get to know them first before going ahead, I be friends with him for 6 months - if I like him & he likes u then it's a match.
Men do need time alone these days, it's happened to me a few times. The more contact u make with him the more u push him away whereas less contact he will come back to u. I can be pushy these days when it comes to men, but I try not to get clingy n attached to them.
As a single woman I like to take things slow, sometimes men want it fast. Maybe when he's got time alone, u need time to yourself which gives u time to think about things like is he right for me, do I want to marry him etc? Spend some time with family n friends whilst waiting for him to come around & get their advice too.
I spend time with my family as much as I can, they give me the best advice I can ever get. 1 of cousins gave me this advice "try to enjoy each other's company. Just keep holding on n listen to that tiny part of yours. The more u keep yourself occupied the more he will come back. Also play hard to get coz let's say he's ready for u n u were busy n do him a payback.
I hope this helps u Tali. Good luck
Hi Tali, do not sit and wait. If you are enjoying your life filled with a good job, great family / friends and little adventures that bring you happiness, please keep doing that. There is nothing better that have that type of life and then "bang" a new guy shows up. Try not to think about this guy and please don't contact him. He obviously has something pulling him away. You can appreciate that he did let you know. Even though it is hard to not get the reason why it shouldn't matter. I think you can look at him as a great guy that you spent time with and you learned something. (Right?). Take what you learn from him and maybe a new guy will show up. Don't be angry with him. That is when we start getting upset with "why did he do that?".
Good Luck!