It’s the end of the year.
Another year.
Most likely another year that didn’t bring you the love you were hoping for.
Another year that ended before you were ready to claim defeat.
Another year that missed the mark in all that it promised to be at the start.
It’s enough to make the strongest among us lose ourselves in what could have been, what should have been, and what we so wanted it to be.
But there’s a problem with this approach.
When we look back at everything we wished we had differently, when we look back with only blame and regret for what we can’t change, we do more damage to ourselves than what anyone else can do to us.
It’s time for a new ending to a year that didn’t go the way we wanted it to.
It’s time to say goodbye to guilt, blame and shame. It’s time to say goodbye to all the if onlys and all the self-deprecating behaviors that do nothing to bring us closer to our goals except to remind us of everything we’re not and everything we should be.
The only people in our lives we want are the ones who understand what it means to be human. And that means they understand what it means to make mistakes, to show our humanness in the most obvious way we do – by being human.
Not perfect. Not flawless. But real.
The kind of real that means we make mistakes. We do things we regret. We forget to do what our best selves are capable of doing when we’re feeling like our best selves.
Because when we’re feeling desperate, scared, anxious – anything but our best selves – we can do so many of the things we say we’ll never do.
We call too much, we drive by one too many times, we stalk on social media or in person, we play games, we hold back from what we really want to say, we demand, we pry, we manipulate, we nag, we try anything just in case.
And then when that doesn’t work, we beat ourselves up mercilessly like no one else can.
Today, as you’re reading these words, I want you to stop and take a deep breath and look around at where you are right now.
Are you here? Good. Yes, you’re right here, right now in this moment. See this moment? It’s the only one you’re in right now. It doesn’t go backwards and it doesn’t move forward.
It’s only this one moment.
I want you to breathe through it until this moment passes and you move to the next.
Now it’s the next moment. Stop here again.
You’re here now in this new moment. There are so many more of these to come. We’re going to start fresh in this very moment. Right now.
The past is gone.
Read these words again. The past is gone.
Gone.
Whatever you feel about that, allow yourself to have those feelings.
Maybe it’s a feeling of loss at what was lost. Maybe it’s a feeling of sadness for what could have been and wasn’t. Maybe it’s anger at what you feel was taken from you or not handled the way you wanted it to be. Maybe it’s relief that it’s over.
Whatever it is, there’s something else it’s tinged with that usually speaks of regret. Regret for something you could have done or said differently or not at all.
That’s what I want you to let go of. That’s what I want you to say goodbye to.
We live and learn, Beautiful. Oh how we do! But not with guilt-ridden, shame-laced, heaved on heaviness that doesn’t allow us to be the beautiful human beings that we are.
This is what we’re saying goodbye to!
In this new moment forward, we’re going to start doing things differently one baby step at a time. Right where we are, with what we now know, with what we’ve now learned.
But in taking on this new mindset, there’s no room here for the heaviness of regrets. It only brings us down, zaps our energy, takes away any sense of power we might have. That’s why it’s so hard to do anything differently than what you’ve already done! You’re so saddled with the old stuff, you have no energy for the new actions that are going to turn things around!
This moment is a new moment. Now is what you have. A new beginning is what’s in store.
Goodbye regret. Goodbye "if only". Goodbye what should have been.
Hello to what is.
Hello to what will be. Hello to owning your own power, your own dreams, your own goals, and going easy on you.
The past was what it was. The present is what it is. But the future is whatever you want it to be!
What about you? What do you need to say goodbye to in your own life to allow yourself to move on? What are you holding on so tightly to that it’s time to release? You’re not alone. Put it down in writing in the comments and say goodbye once and for all.
You don’t need to hold onto it anymore.
I want to be ok being alone in 2016. Not settling for the wrong one because I dont wanna not have anyone. I will get closer to God. Not let myself wallow in depression. Stop comparing my life to others.
There is no worse feeling of loneliness than being with the wrong person, Sonia. Comparison is one of the very worst things we do to ourselves. It's your beautiful life, not anyone else's. Let it be your turn!
I meet this guy we had a lot of fun together it has only been a month and he ended it last night said he was not feeling it anymore because of all the text messages I sent him about him being like every guy out there. The late text I received was please do not contact him again.A week ago told me he really really liked me. Will be ever text or call me again
I'm letting go of a man who was, and is, everything I've ever longed for. He wanted the relationship, he wanted the commitment. But he wanted it all on his terms. I was patient, understanding, supportive, but I deserve to have that in return, and although he ended it with the I don't want a relationship speech, 'we can be friends, and maybe in time I can be open to giving you what you need', I refuse to settle for what he has to offer. Him as a person, is perfect for me, but his idea of a relationship is not, and that's what I need to remember, I need to let go of how we were, how he was, and remember what he couldn't give me.
I let go of my lack of self respect which allowed others to disrespect me. I let go of regret from trying "again" with the same person who's stories i chose to believe... Again. I let go of him and his stories and the way he used me. I let go of the guilt of knowing i let him, and that i made up excuses for his behavior and treatment and falsely justified it to myself, but embrace that i never will again. I let go of not loving myself enough and the guilt if i tried to put myself first. This year i will be my priority. I let go of hurt and unhappiness and pain. I let go of negativity and people that bring it. I let go of false friendships and relationships.
I am letting go of my husband who let me go over two months go
I let go of all the negativity in my life, I let go of all the bad decisions I made in terms of choosing bad partners, I let go of being needy, too clingy, I let go of hoping that somehow he'd ask me out again and maybe do things differently this time around, I'm letting go of not being true to myself, I'm letting go of pretending as if I don't want a serious relationship whereas deep down in my heart of hearts I know I want it so bad, I let go of focusing on chasing Men instead of focusing on my life and my kids (2 beautiful boys), I let go of spending too much time on whatsapp and being sad when I don't see a text coming from him. I let go of the anger I have inside me of all the people that hurt me in the past including my mother who left me when I was only 2 years old, I let go of all the blame I put on her when things go wrong in my life, today I say I may not know why you left, but life has taught me that sometimes things get so difficult that you end up having to make bad choices, choices that you never thought you'd make and those choices may include leaving your kids behind. I let it all go, everything I let it all GO... I've heard enough of it.
And I say HELLO to the new ME?, hello to new beginnings, hello to focusing more on my career, my boys, my goals, my passions, hello to making my dreams come true, hello to focusing on my business ventures, I say hello to having peace of mind, Hello to reading more books, hello to going to gym more, hello to telling myself I'm beautiful and that I deserve the best, hello to smiling more, HELLO to making the best decisions about my life.....Hello to being more faithful to me, Hello to cooking more, baking more, spending time with my friends more, hello to nurturing that little girl inside of me more.... And I say hello to all the blessings that The Lord has instore for me in the year 2016 and in the future. I receive all these in Jesus name Amen.
And to all the beautiful laidys in this forum and to you Jane, I wish you all the best for the new year, may you all remain as beautiful as you all are, may you all be patient with yourselves and remember Rome was not built over night... I thank you all for your support, wisdom and words of encouragement, I somehow cannot imagine my life without you beautiful laidys in this forum, I may have been quiet and not said anything at times but believe you me this forum has become my well, it has been the only place I'd come to when I'm feeling lost, demotivated and ready to give up..... And it's the only place I'd find comfort and be reminded of myself worth, you beautiful Laidys are the best!! All the best!! Much love ??
aw, same to you, Lolly! Beautiful!
Hi Jane
Thanks for your inspiring insights.
I'm letting go of the ones I'll never be good enough for....
I'm letting go of the desperation to find someone... Anyone... Knowing that when Ido that .... I'll probably find someone when least expect it.
And you will, Ann. Thank you for sharing.
I moved abroad for a year and you found me there. I didn't want a boyfriend or relationship. I wanted to experience the new country I was in with my new friends. But you relentlessly, romantically pursued me. Finding my number from my workplace, sending roses to my office, writing poems, and saying I love you to me far too early. I didn’t give until a month later. Somehow, things spend into serious mode. We talked about marriage and kids. There was a language barrier but we laughed with each other and had great evenings going out special dates he planned. I tend to overthink and became conflicted as I had told myself that I wouldn’t be a girl that goes abroad and marries the first guy she sees.
I also had other options I wanted to try back home before settling down. I started talking to him about dreams I had for further travel, school. He was happy for me but kept saying his life was in the country I was visiting.
Then he got a job offer 6 months in and moved 2 hours away for work. We stayed together, meeting on the weekends. But, I felt emotional distance from him. The less he messaged me the more I became anxious and let that ruin my day. I would plead with him to call more. I tried to not be needy but felt myself craving reassurance as 8 months passed and I was preparing to fly back home.
I wanted you to tell me that you would stay long distance with me and do whatever it took to stay together.
I wasn’t perfect. I fell into an expectation for you to pay for a lot because of your higher salary and maybe projected a golddigger vibe. Although that’s not me at all deep down.
Then as things felt distant I decided to talk in person. But before I had a chance your profile picture was changed to include that of another woman. Then two days later a breakup text saying that he wasn’t the right guy for me and that he had met someone else. But sincere comments on how much I meant to him and taught him about relationships and life. I felt anger as everything we could have had was taken from me. Over a text. He did meet up with me for closure later that week. But I felt things didn’t have to end that way.
The regrets have festered for awhile as I do want to have my own family soon and almost had that with him. All that lost time and energy. All the worrying and stress.
I let it go.
Thank you for sharing this, Cher. I felt every word - especially the power that came back to you when you breathed "I let it go".
I'm letting go of a love I held into for 3 years of my life. Suffering with emotional pain only because the love was 1sided. Allowing myself to settle for what I thought was genuine companionship. Emotional abuse, total disregard for how my heart felt, being ignored.. always being the one to invest in the relationship, being called deluded for feeling 'love'..how I would go out of my way constantly try and make myself more deserving of his attention or care and just tolerating the amounts of girls he entertained. How I believed lies.. how I forgave so quickly in the name of Love'.
I wasted my time with the wrong person who I think it know had made me believe that he was the right one. I do not want this pain and anguish and love hurt to affect my inner being any more. I choose to let go. I so not want a connection with that past or even future connection with a man of that identity. I lowered my standards.
I'm left it go of his name, face and memories shared which were really just nothing as the bad he did to me far outweighed the good. I want my peace in 2016 . I want to release this heavy load. Shed my this 2015skin of co-dependence with people who impact me badly but yet I chose to stick with them because I was too fearful of the fact that I would end up alone.
I am Done. I welcome 2016 asthe year of Fun, hard work, New connections with good people, pure love far from the intoxicating delusion I was going through in 2015. Bye bye to worthless guys... those who can offer you NO FUTURE but tell you beautiful lies. I release it all... I leave it behind.
May God grant me the peace and blessings I need in 2016. I'm letting all this dead weight GO. Amen
I so agree with what you just said word for word . Thank You!
The things we do in the name of Love, Sarah. Shed that skin! You're never alone, you're not going to end up alone. This is how we find what we've been longing for in the most unexpected ways. Because only when we're done do we find that our worst fears are not that we end up alone, but that we end up with someone so wrong, so not on our page, so not in our heart of heart's best interest. Now you are light enough to soar!
Wow. Im glad im not the only one who truly feels this way.
Thank you, Jane. I felt as if you were talking directly to me. I'm a 53 yr old woman who should know better by now but last year I fell in love with an old friend from high school who, back then, was crazy about me. When we reconnected I fell head over heels. He was charming, still boyish and adorable, familiar, sexy, AND living with someone he was in a long-term relationship with. He didn't seem happy with her and wanted to see me but told me not to get attached, that he wasn't in a position to leave home. Despite his warning I fell hard. I had closed myself off from attempts at love as I had been hurt and disappointed so many times before and lonely for a very long time. I had never found the love of my life and I was sure it had been him all along.
This time around, however, he didn't treat me with real respect or caring. He often treated me as if it was just physical for him and I went along for the ride, keeping alive the dream of him as my true love. It brought out every insecurity and weakness inside of me, every old hurt, every old betrayal. It ended not very well. And I have been filled with shame, regret and blame for the way I handled him, not only this time around but decades ago as well, when we were young and innocent and he was crazy about me. I wake up in the middle of the night in tears. I cry driving along in my car. I've cried more over him than anything else in my life. I look at my phone hoping to see a text from him. It's been hell and I've wondered if I will ever get over it. But because of this heartbreak I've begun to see how much work I have left to do inside. Maybe he was the catalyst I needed to get me to do the remaining work so that I can finally be ready for the real love of my life.
So, I say goodbye to him and to my youth. I say goodbye to the regret over not choosing him when we were young, and to the regret over starting things up with him when he was not really available this time around, and to the regret over what I did wrong to end things so badly between us. I say goodbye to giving my power away to men I fall for. I say goodbye to feeling unlovable. I say goodbye to anyone and anything that isn't good for my spirit, my inner child, my health, or the lovely woman I am deep inside. Thank you again, Jane.
oh the things we should know better by now, Anne. Our lists go on and on. Thank you for sharing, for daring to be strong when you feel so afraid. Let those tears fall. He wasn't, he couldn't and he didn't. But you can! And you will! There's a book I want you to find, "Goddesses Never Age" by Christiane Northrup. When I knew there had to be another view, this book came into my hands. This isn't how your story ends. It's how it begins!
Thank you, Jane. I will get that book!
🙂
Thank you so much Jane! This is exactly what I needed to see today. I had a year of a "somewhat" relationship- actually it was never given a title. I knew we had both been through some very rough times with our last relationships- so I waited and waited and didn't ask or push for anything. I was ok going with the flow and didn't want to rush anything. After a year- yes, I did ask his thoughts on things with us. Then to find out that we're not on the same page and he needs to deal with his problems and that he couldn't make any one else happy until he's happy with himself, etc. I do still think that he's a good man in general and he does have a lot on his plate. I have been understanding of this- but if we're not on the same page- it is what it is. I do feel a little used and that he took advantage of my kindness. It is hurtful and I sometimes feel like I've wasted time. But- the good thing is- I have learned so much about myself and others, and that I deserve someone who appreciates me and realizes that I am a good person and be glad to have me in their life. I am rambling- sorry- just needed to vent a little. I know you all understand. So- in this New Year- I have decided to let go of the fantasy and what I hoped would be. I am done beating myself up about what I did or didn't say or do. I did what I thought wsd was best at the time. I am happy and I can't wait to see what 2016 brings! Happy New Year to you all and thank you Jane for all you do! 🙂
Thank you, Laurie. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you. Oh how we can wait and wait and wait some more! Keep rambling; it's in our ramblings that we find our own truth and so much more than a fantasy will ever be. Happy New Year to you, too! 🙂
I'm letting go of the blame, blaming him for what he could not feel or express, blaming myself for what went wrong.
I hear you, Cindy. Feel the blame fall away as you let it go. Release yourself and the pain can begin to go away.
Letting go of the fantasy is difficult until we learn that our egos don't want us to let go. They feed on the drama and pain. Jane, since you mentioned living in the moment, I would like to suggest people watch Eckhart Tolle videos or read his books to learn how to do that. Eckhart really helped me to see how much my ego ruled my life.
When I learned to push ego aside and live in the moment (which is impossible to do unless you learn how to recognize egoic thinking and ignore it) I was able to see more clearly how ego driven I was. It allowed me to look at the man in my life very differently. I still love him, but not in the selfish, needy, disgusting way I once did. I just have genuine love and caring for a hurt, lost, man who is as confused as I was. I pray every day that he can figure things out, and I wish for him to find the happiness and peace that I have found.
I'd like to wish Jane and everyone reading this post happiness, peace, and joy not only in the upcoming year, but always.
Letting go of the fantasy is a difficult thing to do - how very true! How very true it is that our ego holds onto the drama and pain. Let go of my ego and all of the negative thoughts it holds onto. Thank you Deb!
Thank you for sharing, Deb, and for your beautiful words for us all. So true that when we become open to truly see, we discover not only the scared and confused little girl inside ourselves, but the scared and confused little boy inside him as well.
I think that scared little boy is what we are subconsciously drawn to. Our little girl senses him and wants to save him. Unfortunately, we cant save or fix anyone else. We can barely fix ourselves. But when we see our problems start with us, and we begin to grow and change and feel more comfortable just being our real selves, the scared little boys seem much less apppealing as romantic partners, don't they?
Exactly, Deb! It's this part that we always miss. We can't see them for who they are - and who they're not - until we can see our own selves. See the real you, and you'll see the real him. This is how we choose.
i say goodbye to myself who was the 1 who end it with my ex in june, to obsession in terms of men i like/fancy and to the person who would worry too much when someone didn't come to an event & also i say goodbye to missing out on gardening
i say hello to myself who will forget about something that happened like the guy i like didn't turn up at my xmas party, who would leave men alone who need their time as they are busy, build n think about the future n taking it easy on love life. i also say hello to the me who won't post too much on FB who would talk about their day everyday and that i will take my friendship along n go easy on the men who i fancy being with & i also say hello to following my heart as it has every answer as in the right answer.
i will let go of my ex as i won't be his friend anymore after the way he treated me & controlled me who had bad behaviour, if he wants to be friends i would be ok as long as he's changed n there's no bad behaviour and i let go of the person who would force someone who to say are u coming to my party.
i guess 2016 may bring me more of independence, nature,self improvement, maybe a new boyfriend. my new years resolution would be to see my old friend who's a guy more as in see each other more apart from gardening as it's monthly whereas i would like to see him 1x - 3x a month and i thought of making my friendship stronger with him and getting to know more about him like where he grew up, hobbies interests etc n 1x a strong friendship is built maybe he might become my next BF.
Thanks for sharing your process, Courtney. You're finding your own power - and owning it, and that's a beautiful thing.
I'm letting go of the failed relationships. The one I thought would never hurt me. I'm letting go of blaming myself for everything that went wrong. I'm letting go of self hate and shame and feeling unworthy of being loved properly. I'm letting go of the people that I thought cared, but didn't care enough to not hurt me. I'm letting go of it all now
Beautiful, inspiring, powerful words, Oyin. Feel your own power rise within you. This is how we become free.
Oyin we have the same problem and I'm also letting go of it
I'm letting go. Of the fantasy I created in my head. The one where I believed he was the one, the one where I ignored everything that was wrong with us. The one where I sacrificed self. For something far removed from the love I needed. I let it go
Oh how deeply your words resonate with so many of us, Belinda. Thank you for sharing. You deserve so much more than this.