What do you do when the ex who couldn't commit suddenly decides he wants you back - but you don't know if it's just because you've moved on with someone he knows, or because he actually wants you back? What would you do?
Well, that's what our beautiful reader, Jessica, wants to know. I'm featuring her email on the blog this week, and with all the experience this community has with exes who won't commit, I know she's come to the right place.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I have a point of crossroads and I would really appreciate your guidance.
Basically my ex boyfriend and I were in a committed relationship for about two years when he was offered a job in the US. Because of the visa laws it was a situation where we would either have to commit or try another option.
Instead of exploring the different options he froze and abandoned the relationship, treating me very disrespectfully, revealing a side that I didn't recognize and cheating on me multiple times. This was about six months ago.
He then went off to the US and then a lot sooner than I expected I actually began to see somebody else and move on which unfortunately happened to be an acquaintance of his.
So as things began to develop with the new guy I knew I needed to tell my ex to be fair to the situation as they had known each other and not to hurt him anymore than the news could already. Since he had been gone I'd heard from him occasionally and of late had a couple more emotional messages of missing me and regret which I closed down and asked for his respect in leaving me be.
But when I told him about my new situation he basically reacted in a way that I totally didn't expect.
He told me how he still loved me, how he wanted me back, declaring his feelings, how wrong he had been, how sorry he had been, how he wanted to book for me to go out and see him so we could see whether we could find that place again, and basically saying that he would even quit his job and do whatever I needed for us to be together again.
He is back in a couple of weeks anywhichway.
So now I feel at a crossroads. Things with the new guy are really great and on a whole different level of depth and got serious pretty quickly, he has had tremendous capacity for the situation but I want to be sure to treat him as respectfully as I can whatever happens.
We began very innocently speaking for about 3 months before we even saw each other due to distance (he lived abroad). Before this I had made a plan to go traveling and so we actually decided to merge our plans and move away together to explore a new part of the world separately but together.
We were booked to leave in January but now that this has thrown up these emotions I can't help but be aware that there is a different feeling and isn't the same spark as I had with my ex and I'm unsure if this is because it is a newer situation or because I still want to be with him. I don't want to make the wrong decision and regret what I chose to do.
Please help me make the right decision.xx
- Jessica
My Response:
Dear Jessica,
I'm so glad you reached out. It can be so hard to see the forest from the trees - or your answer from all the possible answers out there - when you're the one having to choose.
Let's start with what we know for sure. He cheated on you multiple times. He couldn’t look at other options. He left the country and that was the end. Until you brought up the one thing that brings out the empty promises side of every man – another man.
An acquaintance of his, no less.
Suddenly, and not so surprisingly, he wants you back. He’s even motivated to arrange it this time. Forget the past, forget what he did, how he hurt you, now he’s ready to rise to the occasion and beat out the competition.
It’s every girl’s dream.
To have the very man who deserted her, rejected her, cheated on her even, now wanting her back, saying he wants to get it back, to see if you can bring back what you had before together. Is it really about him, Jessica?
Or is it the dream?
There’s no way the guy you’re currently seeing can hold a candle to that kind of a scenario. Don’t even think about putting them on the same level. One is being more than understanding while you sort through all the emotions that are coming up for you; but what about the other?
Since he’s coming back anyway in a couple weeks, I wouldn’t make a special trip out there. If you want to see him, see him when he’s back anyway, but know that you can’t expect your current boyfriend to have an unlimited supply of understanding for you.
What does your gut instinct tell you to do? What would he be doing if you hadn’t told him about your new-found love with his acquaintance?
Yes, sometimes we only miss what we had when we realize we can’t get it back, but only sometimes. Other times, it’s only the male ego rising up to meet the challenge.
This comes back to you, Jessica.
We can’t see the future, but we can have a sense of what matters most to us. You’re just getting to know this other guy, but you’ve known your ex for a couple of years. Take out the romantic fantasy of him coming back for you, even saying he’s willing to quit his job for you, and what do you really have? Who is he? What qualities does he have that are what you’re looking for?
And more importantly, what doesn’t he have that you need?
Without the fantasy, the drama, the excitement this is stirring up for you, is he what you’re really looking for?
Look at qualities. Look at who’s there for you in the real moments of life. Look at what you need and who they both are. Look at their character. Who can you see being married to, being the father of your future children, if that’s what you’re going for here?
Who can you rely on, who can you trust to be there for you in the real, messy moments of life that will inevitably come up for you?
And then there’s always our regrets.
What will you regret more? Losing your ex or the acquaintance? What do you most need to do for you? Find out with your ex, or be with the new one. He’s been so understanding, but will he still be?
And what about you putting him in this position in the first place? Can you live with that?
I know I’ve got more questions for you here than answers, Jessica, because I know you’re the one who knows yourself and each one of these men better than anyone else can. You know what you can live with. You know what you can’t. You know whether it’s more the fantasy or the man.
You know what you need to do for you.
At the end of the day, both your ex and this new guy you’re just getting to know are going to do what works for them. You have to do what works for you.
Don’t be afraid to make a choice. If it’s the wrong one, why is it wrong? And if it’s the right one, what makes it right?
Follow each path through to the end in your head.
What does it look like? What happens along the way? How does it end? When you’ve gone around in so many circles that your mind is spinning, come back to you. Take a deep breath and let it go.
What if you do nothing? What happens? Who pursues you? What if you don’t decide either one and simply allow life to reveal what happens next?
What if you let it all go? Who’s still there?
Find your own path, Jessica. The one that speaks to you. The one that you can live with, even if it’s somewhere between the two. Can you see how uncomplicated this can be if you allow it to be? Who’s there? Who’s seeking you out? You’ve been honest with both, now you’re going to see what’s real – who’s real – and who’s not.
Sometimes we choose by not choosing at all.
Could this be what you’re looking for after all?
I hope this helps. And know that if you want to talk this through further and in more detail, I'm always here for you.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of advice and/or encouragement for our gorgeous friend Jessica? I’ve given her a lot of questions to ask herself, but hearing from any and all of you can help show her the way clear. Tell her what you think she needs to know here in the comments!
Dearest Jessica,
Whether you choose not to decide or you choose either one of these men, remember your decision must be something you can live with.
First of all, take yourself back to the feelings you initially felt when you found out he cheated on you. Remember the little girl inside that felt so betrayed and unloved by someone she places complete trust in. Also, don't forget those very raw emotions you felt when he left you and went about his life while you had to pick up the pieces because he did not have enough integrity or dignity as a man to sit with you and come up with a plan to save your relationship.
Men who live the women they are with will do whatever it takes to make it work. Period.
His choice was to walk away, and fast. Just because he is returning should not be an automatic decision for you to get involved again.
He left you, he cheated on you, he left your beautiful heart on the floor and gave it a good kick as he left.
Don't be a woman who enables a man to hurt her once again because he says all the right things now.
Kick his ass to the curb, go no contact, and move on with this new guy into a better life.
The new guy may not work out, but at least you have enough dignity within you to never allow a man to devastate you or leave you hurt beyond belief questioning your own self esteem.
Live you life true to your own needs.
Good luck and warm blessings always.
So true, Lea. Thank you for restating what isn't always so obvious as we go through it.
In my twenties I was married to a man that ended up cheating on me and treated me poorly . I had been very much I love with him but we split and I started to get on with my life. Several months into a new job I met a really lovely man and we became good friends . We started dating and he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I was just about to get involved with him as I had started to develop feelings for him. It was purely platonic and we hadn't even held hands but I knew he was a good guy and would have made a great partner.
Yes my husband who I had been seperated from and was going to divorce did everything he could to get me away from my new friend. My then husband put on all the charm in the world telling me how much he loved me etc etc. Stupid me gave in and went back to the husband. Once my husband had me away from the other man he dumped me and said I didn't want you back I just didn't want that other man to have you. As Jane points out this is the male ego wanting to win. I'm now in my fifties and still single though I have had boyfriends since then. I never really met someone as nice as that man who wanted me to be his girlfriend. I always wondered about him and really regretted my decision.
So for this girl who is at a crossroads I would say don't even consider going back to the ex. You have a great new man by the sounds of this don't blow it.?
Thanks for sharing, Gabriella. It sounds like you understand. It is always so much easier to look back and see what we should have done than see it when we're going through it. To share each other's stories, to hear what we've learned, connects to each other and makes the path a little more clear.
What else could be said? Jane and all others said it all. From where I stand, it's not even something to consider. I am the kind of person who believes in moving forward. Always forward. The past may have been good, but it's past. Ex-boyfriends are ex-boyfriends for a reason. The minute I read he cheated on you repeatedly and left without giving it a thought, it was crystal clear. I think the feelings you have for your ex don't matter one bit. The facts speak for themselves and we cannot make a life of a feeling that's not sensible and backed up by fundamental actions.
The new man is showing you better things, keep exploring with him.
Ultimately the decision is up to you, but I don't know.... In most cases, women who take back cheaters need to have a look at their self-esteem and sense of self-worth because no one deserves such disrespect.
Give the new man a chance! Cheating is enough to not see ANYONE again. You are just remembering the good times you had with the ex. He cared so little for you he risked your sexual health and most probably would do it again.
I have been in the exact same position as you, with a man that I had been in an "on and off" again relationship....all I can say is that once they show you who they are....believe them!! If he lied, cheated, abandoned once....he will have no problem doing it again because you still took him back. Its like they don't learn the lesson and just keep pushing and pushing with no expectations of a consequence. Once again I am only speaking from experience and it may not hold true to a-lot of men....but it still counts for many I fear.
I wouldn't want to lose something real for something that may never eventuate.
Absolutely true! Same happen to me. He just wants you back for his ego..
Hi Jessica, it looks like you have some soul searching to-do. Yes, your ex hurt you but I think you both did the same thing to each other which means you both love each other. Let me explain.
He was faced with a major life change that would a loving relationship with a beautiful woman, you. When he tried what it meant he freaked out and chested on you. Not sure of what type of cheating (sex?) But he looked for something to heal his heart. He hurt you. He leaves the country.
You are hurt and 3 months after he leaves his friend pursues you. 3 months later he thinks you're the one. In essence it could be looked at as cheating on him. Maybe a rebound, trying to hurt him unconciously? Something you have to look at while you are considering your ex. In typical dating 3 months is nothing in getting to know a guy. But he wants it to be official? I wouldn't trust it.
I would consider how your ex will treat you. You know him. 2 years is a long time invested in truly getting to know someone. 6 months isn't. You already are considering it. Why not give him a chance. It happens and each relationship teaches something new. So take what the 3-6 month guy gave you that you liked and appreciate it. You have changed and your ex knows it.
I wish we didn't jump from one guy to another just because they made a mistake. Did he really cheat? You never said if he apologized for the other women or if he said they didn't mean anything to him.
Take him back!
Correction: He was faced with a major life change that would ruin a loving relationship with a beautiful woman, you. When he realized what it meant he freaked out and cheated on you. Not sure of what type of cheating (sex?) But he looked for something to heal his heart. He hurt you. Then he leaves the country.
He kissed multiple women, one of which being in front of me, and then also slept with multiple women, one of which admitted it to me herself when I found out. He lied to me about it the entire time and has only just apologized under the guise of having treated me badly.
I understand what you are saying though. Thank you for your input Virgo Ellie 🙂
My dear, while I believe, distance makes the heart grow fonder....your boyfriend has shown you who he is. A cheater. If he did it before chances are he will do it again. Some men are only interested in the hunt and I think because you moved on so quickly...with his friend no less, his ego has been hurt. If this new guy treats you well and you can see a future with him, I would never go backwards. In the event that the new guy is a rebound, which is also possible, best to take some time for yourself and put both guys on hold while you sort out your own needs and desires in a partner. Good luck.
Wise words, Julie. Thank you.
I'm in much the same situation. My "ex" wants me back but bad. And my "new guy" wants me to take the time I need to decide what I want and is placing no pressure on me. I'm confused because my ex is doing and saying everything I needed him to before I ever thought about moving on. I expected to move on alone, and then I found someone else. As of today, both are doing exactly what I want and hope to have. And I'm so confused that I don't know what I want. This blog is helping me though. What I know, is that what's real will still be there when I've sorted out all my feelings. The best advice I've seen is don't choose even when feeling internal pressure to do so. Let life find its own way and show you the best choice. What's real will still be there.
The part I like best is What if you just sat back and did nothing. Let the One man step forward and pick you instead.
And live your own life in the process!
Hi,
First let me say that you are a woman, very strong, and will come to the right decision. These are my words that I hope will help you:
1. Remember that men always want to win - at anything and everything.
2. Call your ex's bluff - call him on everything he "promised" you. Then sit back and watch him perform or squirm.
3. A leopard's spots don't change. He cheated on you multiple times with his "job" decision crisis - a decision that didn't have to be so hard to work out for both of you. What will happen when a really life altering issue arises?
4. I know all about the spark, and it is extremely powerful. However, as Jane said, take that away...is your ex worth YOUR love? Can he add value to YOUR life? Write down the pros and cons of each man and compare/contrast as it pertains to what you want and what you will accept/not accept.
5. Follow your gut/instincts. They are never wrong.
Good luck and God Bless...
Great points, Lizzie. And great questions! Thank you for breaking it down like this for Jessica to see.
Yesss your gut NEVER lies. Great advice.
Jessica let give you some wisdom t my mother and from the good book as my daughter call it (Bible). Mother - When you step BACK in mess it starts to stink!!! (the clean version) The Good Book - "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" Proverbs 26:11, also partially quoted in the New Testament, 2 Peter 2:22. That is all I have to say!!!!
So many ways to say the same thing, Real Davis. Thank you.
In the nicest possible way this one is a no brainer- you aren't alone you have the 'luxury' of choosing between 2 men who want you. Therefore as you have a new man who sounds special why on earth would you go back to a man who cheated on you multiple times & left you? I'd maybe understand if he had gone & you were alone but you've moved on- so why look back now. I'd say be glad of who you've got.
Great question, Daisyrevisited. Thank you. We always know!
Hey Jessica. The one thing Jane said that I was also thinking is your ex started putting in overtime when you told him you had someone. Prior to that he was being him. Men do this and more often than not once you take them back they return to being who they really are. Then you break up again and the cycle repeats it's self. That's how on and off relationships are born. Listen to what Jane says. The decision is ultimately yours but if it were me I wouldn't want to go back to a man that cheated on me multiple times and abandoned me the one time we should have been drawn closer together. So take off the Rose colored glasses and see this man for who he really is. Best of luck.
Exactly, Princess. Thank you!
Don't look back, keep moving with the new guy.. the ex polly just wants to see if he can get you back and if you do he's going to be gone again.. stick with the new relationship you have with the new guy...
Thank you, Dana. It all helps!
you already with a new person and from the look of things you saying it is serious so the best way is to continue with that person leave your past behind and be honest with your current person, somehow you will always care for your ex coz you loved him deeply but that's in the past just explore what you have with the current partner
Thank you for adding to the conversation, Vanessa.
Stay on your new path! The old path left you hurt and alone...
So true, Stacey. Thank you!
Love you,Jane...ur answers are spot on.
aw, thank you, D. 🙂
Choose the man you can trust your life with.
Wise words, Jackie. Thank you!