What do you do when you're afraid he's going to go back to his ex? Our letter this week comes from our gorgeous friend Hannah, who is going through exactly that.
Here's her email:
Hello,
I'm desperate for your help and wouldn't normally be so needy but I don't know what to do.
Before I go into detail, here is a little break down of timings etc., as it's all a bit complicated:
2010 - My boyfriend starts dating his ex.
2013 - My boyfriend moves his ex into his house.
2013 - Things start to fizzle out between my boyfriend and his ex. She adores him but he isn't sure and she moves out of his home in November 2014 and they take a break so he can get his head straight and decide what he wants. It's in this same month that he and I start seeing each other.
November 2014 - They break up very amicably.
January 2015 - My boyfriend and I become official.
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months officially, but started seeing each other 12 months ago. We worked together for a year before we started dating.
I had been single for four years as I was reluctant to put my barriers down for anyone until he came along, but I think he got with me too soon, as although he said he was ready as he and his ex hadn't been good for a long time, I think he didn't grieve it.
For the entirety of our relationship, I have been okay with him and her texting and seeing each other as friends once a month or so for a coffee or dinner, as they were mates, so he said.
On Saturday, I found a text on his phone he sent to his mum questioning if he made a "massive mistake" leaving his ex, which broke my heart. I haven't seen him since apart from speaking on the phone on Sunday. He says he is confused about what he wants and - like with his previous girlfriend - need time to "get into his head" and think.
Apart from arguments over her - she sends suggestive texts all the time - we have a solid, trusting, fun and argument-free relationship. I would marry this man and have his children - that's how strongly I feel about him.
He says he is racked with guilt that he and I "crossed over" their relationship and says it was a little affair. He also said he feels more strongly for her of late and that he's pulling away from me but loves me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's going to do. I feel because he confided in his parents, who loved her for five years, that I will be dumped, but I've only ever loved and supported him and been happy for him to have the ex in his life... how many girlfriends are that easy going!?
To make matters worse, we have just come back off a family holiday with his mum and dad, who I feel very close to now.
He wants space and I haven't heard from him since Sunday. Should I call or text? IF he is going to miss me, what do I do to increase those chances? Can you really rekindle over a year later with someone?
I don't want to lose him.
Please help xxxx
- Hannah
My Response:
How many girlfriends are that easy-going, indeed!
Oh Hannah, there’s never been a you and him. There’s only ever been a you, her and him. The suggestive texts she still sends, the dinners, the time spent together, it’s no wonder he feels guilty and lost.
He’s been leading both of you on!
If you look back to the beginning of your relationship, what you intuitively sensed from him - that it was too early, that he was still very involved with his ex - all of this you knew !
But while we can always learn from the past, I hear you that you are very much right here now in the pain of the present, wondering what you can do to make him miss you, so that he’ll come back to you. It’s what we all want when presented with a situation like this.
We feel so out of control, and yet what we’re feeling is really that what he decides, whether ultimately he chooses us or her, is what’s so beyond our control.
You can’t win this man by being easygoing, by being supportive of the relationship he still very much has with his ex.
You win him by being true to you.
By giving him something to miss. By not being so easy-going to the detriment of your own beautiful self, Hannah, and everything you have to offer.
He needs something to pursue. Someone who values herself enough to know that she only wants someone who’s going to be with her and only her.
If you want to know what’s really there, watch what happens when you can’t play the role of easy-going girlfriend anymore. Watch when happens when you want him exclusively. Watch what happens when you want a committed relationship from him.
If you honestly don’t care about these things, then you don’t have to do anything more than what you’ve been doing.
If he’s asking for space, give him that space.
Don’t call or text him while he’s sorting himself out. You’ll know soon enough. If you have the relationship with him that you think you have, then he’ll be back. He’ll be the first to let you know he’s on the same page as you and looking for the same thing as you are – with you!
But don’t wait around for him. You’ve got your own beautiful life to live!
He’ll miss you because he actually misses you. And if he doesn’t, there's no real loss.
I know that’s so hard to imagine right now, but it’s the truth. You just can’t lose someone unless they want to be lost in the first place. He’s going to do what works for him, even if that means rekindling what he had with someone over a year ago. But know that if that is the case, Hannah, you haven’t lost anything at all.
Don’t sit at home waiting around for him to call or text you.
Use this time to discover you, to find out what you’re really about, what you actually want, not just what you’ve been told to do. Go out with your friends, go get your hair or nails done, treat yourself to something new that makes you feel pretty, spend some time putting the focus back on you!
Not him, but you!
When he comes up in your mind, send out a loving thought to him. Wish him well on becoming unlost and sorting out his own issues, but don’t take any more of his stuff on you.
In time, all these types of situations begin to make sense, Hannah.
When you’re in them, they never do.
But when you look at what you truly desire in your heart of hearts – not what you should want, but what you actually do – you’re worth more than someone who doesn’t know what he himself wants. This is for you as much as him, even if you can’t see that part right now.
Remember that it’s by setting someone free that you find out whether the two of you are truly meant to be.
How?
Because he comes back to you, Hannah. And if he doesn’t, it’s because there’s something more here for you to see, and someone else who you will be so much happier with than you could have ever been with him.
No matter how much it doesn’t feel that way now.
Love,
Jane
Hi ladies... first time i have revisited this post since my email was submitted. I thought it was worth updating you all on the outcome.
Since the post, we had an off and on relationship for another year and a half. It's only now that i can see narc traits, which makes me sad. To this day i am damaged and hurt and struggling, but it's my fault for loving too much and trying to make it work.
He never went back to his ex, but broke things off with my three times, begging me to take him back days later. He would always seem to "suddenly realise" how "amazing, wonderful, the one" i was - apparently.
On the first "break" he called, it turns out that he turned to the ex to tell him about the rocky relationship... charming. Then i find a pros and cons list about me. One of my cons was that i was "too happy", that i didn't come from the same "background" as his ex - i.e. my parents are wealthy, but not millionaires. Oh, and another con apparently was that i wasn't university educated, despite getting to the same level in work as him but 6 years his junior... funny that!
On holiday he text his ex "if it's any consolation, my counsellor doesn't think me and hannah will work".
The third time he asked me back, crying, his friend who has some morals did confide in me to say that he text the guy wondering if we were back together, and how pleased he was because apparently all his friends love me. The guy's response was "doing the usual nonsense by not killing it off. Sex thing, company and flattery isn't it?". He told me this was "banter" and that i was being was to overreactive... that old chestnut. By this point, my once bubbly, vibrant, high self esteem ways were beaten to a pulp. Hence always believing he loved me and that it was just doubts and he didn't mean anything, etc etc...
My favourite was not holding my hand, or introducing me to any of his work colleagues if they went to our local pub (despite us working in the same industry and me sometimes working with those people) because he "doesn't feel happy mixing his two lives." Turns out that after the fourth dump, he started sleeping with his boss who he told me was "purely a rebound" - charming - but now... five months later they are still together and a couple.
This is work girlfriend number three. Maybe he will change for her.
What i did find quite shocking is that both his parents and my auntie live in a remote part of england - 10 minutes apart. Despite being in this new relationship, he was on his own their with them over christmas, and as a friend - i say this because he didn't try anything on - he was asking me to go to his parents for tea, out with them for christmas dinners, invited me to lunch, and shopping over a period of a week - every day. He also text to say: "I didn't get any present as good as what you got me last year." Conveniently, when he was no longer alone and bored, and probably back with this woman in London, i didn't hear from him for a month.
He has a narc habit of penetrating my life via text or whats app as and when he wants. I don't understand his behaviour but find it extremely difficult to admit that i invested two years into someone who never fought for us and treated me so badly. I find it hard knowing he is shacked up with this new woman - who he had worked with for two years and has now dated for five months.
I am severely struggling and reading back on these tips makes me feel so stupid for not listening. It's a cliched saying but when you have your self esteem beaten down so badly and you love someone so much, it's hard to walk away. I know he wasn't right to me but i can't help but still love him
It doesn't help he still drops in and out of my life and that we work in the same industry. I feel as though i'll never be free. He sucked all my fun, bubbly energy and i feel helpless 🙁
Cut him off entirely. No contact. Why even keep putting yourself through that? I don't read that as you loving him. I think it's more you projecting an idea onto him and that idea is what you're having a hard time letting go off. Block him, delete him. Change numbers if necessary. Block him everywhere. Don't frequent places where you know he goes, limit contact with people who are close to him, stop talking about him with them. Vanish him from your life if you want to get your 20/20 vision back and your happy self back. Grieve that loss on your own and away from anything him. Delete messages, get rid of presents or lock them all in somewhere you rarely go.
That's what I do and so far it's been the most effective to really move on after grief.
Well, this is where men and women often disagree these days. Women often think they are in a committed relationship as soon as they go on a date with a man. But for him it may be only a date. And it is perfectly normal for him to go on a date with you and the next day ask out another lafy, because, hey, he is not married to you, he just asked you on one date to enjoy the experience. In fact he may be the kind of guy who is not even looking for a stable relationship at this time. You may argue that such guys should not exist, and you may be right. Perhapse the world would be a better place if they did not exist. But nevertheless they do. But women start to assume things too soon. They do not guard their heart enough against wrong man. Sometimes as soon as they go on one date with one guy they start waiting by the phone for that guy and only that guy for years and take it totally personal if he never shows up again. By doing that they inflict on themsrves tremendous pain, which they could easily avoid by being more realistic. You may say "I don't want to be realistic, because reality sucks." And someties it does. But on the other hand, what if you go on a date with a guy, but then you totally don't like the guy. Let's say from the first glance he appeared fine, but then he tells you things like "I raped and killed by mom" or "I already have 4 girlfriends, you will be the fifth", or chews his food in a way, that makes you puke, or likes to get drunk and ambaraasses you by singing with a loud voice. Isn't it nice to take a little time to get to know somebody before you committ to them?
Agree!! I think the question is "what are women looking for in a man". I think most of the women who get attached right away then painfully hurt are looking for a man to fill a void. That cannot happen. What women should be looking for a man they can learn from because they already know who they are and want to love vs control. Right now, dating involves "owning or controlling or manipulating" for selfish needs vs a balance of "hey, you are fun, decent and I want to enjoy every part of you"... because that is what love is all about. You have be physically attracted to the guy and know from the start that you are there to make a relationship better for them and for yourself. It's not the other way around where the guy needs to come in and take care of ever flippin' need a girl wants. Now, I speak to the ladies who are over 50.
And thanks, Virgo Ellie, for sharing your story. Your situation may look similar, bit then really it's not. The guy you were talking about only asked you out once or twice on a date and then he made it perfectly clear that he was not going to continue. You were not in a relationship with this man. You only went on a couple of dates after which you decided you were still interested, but he decided otherwise. Ah well...we chose, they chose, sometimes those choices do not quite coincide. Should you take it personally? Not really. He is just not your kind of guy. He is looking for someone else. He may be on the market for some mangos, while you look more like a peach to him. There is nothing wrong with his love for mangos and there is nothing wrong with peaches either. But unfortunately you did not happen to be a match. The good news is you did have a great date with him and you are free to go on many more dates like this with other guys, who might be much more interested in a woman your type. I wish you the best of luck. Just accept that sometimes it takes dating several men to find the right fit for you.
You too Nikki!
No, he liked me. He just didn't want the responsibility . that is usually why men don't pursue. And fortunately I'm not looking. This guy just showed up as most of my men do and when I know he / they are good I go after it. Life is too short to wait things out. Waiting for things to fall into place. Nope! So, I'm glad I was direct with him.
The mystery continues!
And quite possibly hecdid like you, but perhapse Ge felf tiing was nit good for him to take on more resposibiities. That does happen a lot. He also could have been involved with someone in the past and not quite over that thing yet. Whatever his reasons are, he made it clear to you at the beginning that he was not interested in taking it further. And that happens to pretty much everyone on the dating field.
He never said anything. I stayed in touch with him because he had a crazy schedule. He always responded. He also had a tuff time with work since 2013. Yes, he had a previous relationship he had a tuff time letting go off... His job. When we met his schedule completely changed. He probably felt bad for getting out there to date and when his crazy schedule started he realized he couldn't do it.
I think that when you get to a certain age, 50+, dating completely changes. Time to figure things out is irrational. It's very immature. We should know and if we can't be there you tell them. So, right now I see him as very immature with relationships but I loved what he did professionally. I would have been good for him. He would have been good for me because he had so many qualities I needed. Oh well. Glad I met him!!
Dating may be a bit different in 50ies...but some things are common no matter what age you are. The key thing to remeber is that unlike relationship, dating is supposed to be fun, non-exclusive and committment free. You need to date a few guys before you settle into relationship with one of them. The worst you can do is to settle too quickly and committ yourself to one man, who is not even iterested enough. Some women spend years dreaming about a hopeless mamn as they keep rejecting other potential dates. I think this is just sad.
I disagree. You meet someone a relationship begins. Not serious or committed but you connected with someone and a relationship began. That is where maturity steps in and you treat each other as though you are now friends. You communicate openly and honestly with them. It's not like that now and why everyone is single. It's now a questions orblaming game!
I just we wish we could change that perspective on men then there wouldn't be so many miserable women. Men are incredible beings, lovers, protectors and healers for women. But if we continue to look for stories on negative facts, which are usually inaccurate, instead of the reality of being alone we will always be alone. So let's forget about the so-called facts that you are looking at and look forward to enjoying our time with the men we find.
Women are just as bad as men. They are actually worse towards their children. Even on these sites, the attacks women have towards recent dates are clear red flags that they will try and take their men down if they find one!
You have to heal yourself first and know you are a good person before you involve a man/children in your life. If you can't do that then let them be.
Xo!!
Sorry, but where you say that women do just as much drugs, abuse, cheating and other unacceptable stuff, statistics totally show otherwise. For 5 drug addicted men there is maybe 1 woman. For 10 cheating husbands on Ashley Madison there is bearly one wife willing to cheat, for every one woman, abandoning her child there are plenty of stray fathers. It is just facts. We keep trying to fix women, making them think that if they just waited a little longer, if they just were a little prettier, just a little nicer, tried a little bit harder, did their hair a tinsy bit better...but reality is that real culprits are often men and in many cased there is nothing much women can do to fix them.
Theres a difference between not losing contact with an ex and maintaining a relationship with them in my opinion. Im sure the situations me tioned occur all the time. I dont believe when you should love yourself to the fullest laying out a red carpet for duel relationships counts. Respect your views of course. Just my opinion is all.
According to John Gray "Mars and Venus on a Date" book ALL relationships without exceptions go through uncertainty stage. Then only some of them move on to exclusivity stage. I mean I wish we were living in India, where marriages are arranged by families without bride and groom even knowing anything about it and then the first time they meet is on the wedding day and that is whem they pledge to love each other and ONLY each other for the rest of their lives, and they live happily ever after with no doubts, confusions or regrets whatsoever! Wonderful isn't it? The only problem is we do not live in India and even in India things are not always quite as perfect. Those couple, who did not resolve their confusions prior to their marriage have to deal with them after marriage, leading to cheating, abandoned brides, spousal abuse and even dowry murders.
Or why don't we live in a fairy tale, where a Prince meets the Princess and from the very first glance, for sure they know that they belong together. Cause what could go wrong, right? After all he is the most charming Prince in the entire Kingdom and she is the fairest one of all ( or at least so the Magic Mirror on the Wall says). But wake up, Sleeping Beauty, cause you do not live in a fairy tale. Welcome to our real world, where thousands of men daily lay their eyes on thousands of women and they are not quite sure who is that one person that they belong to. At least not from the first sight. There are no parents, magic mirrors, or Crystal balls to clear that confusion once and for all. So we need to learn how to deal with it without constantly panicking, freaking out or isolating ourselves from the rest of the world. And bear in mind, that even in a fairyland sometimes a princess has to sleep for 100 years before the handsome Prince comes alone and plants the true love kiss upon her lips. So in a way we need to be patient just like that princess to get that perfect relationship that we deserve, but in a way we do not have 100 years to just passively wait for that perfect guy and a perfect relationship to come. So we can not just sleep. We need to actively deal with complexitied and imperfection of the real world and sometimes solutions that we come up with may seem less then perfect or optimal to others. Sometimes we may convince ourselves that every single one of us is wonderful and completely deserving of something better, something best, something so good she hardly can even imagine...but let's not forget that no matter how perfect and deserving we think we are there are just not enough perfect men for all of us. There just not enough princes among them. They drink, they take drugs, they cheat, they don't hold steady jobs, they abuse their partners. So unfortunately not all of us will have it easy, not all of us will have it perfect, not all of us will have it all just for ourselves all the time, not all of us will always get what we want and what we deserve. It might sound like a sad truth, but it makes life interesting and diverse in a way. In a way I admire Muslims, who can get over jelousy and allow poligamy as a solution to complexity of the real world. But in a way I would not dare myself to date somebody who is already married or has a steady girlfriend or apparently cheats on me.
And I think the Lady in this case has not given herself enough time to think before she got too close to a man who has bearly broke up with his long-term girlfriend. She trusted him to soon. She counted on been official and exclusive with him too soon. It looks to me like she should have taken it a bit more slowly and given the guy more time to resolve the doubts. But I trust she had her reasons for doing what she has done. Perhapse the guy's relatiobship with his ex was clearly not workable, perhapse she could see some real attraction or some real potential with this man. In any case, being too doubtful and taking too long to committ can be not in her favor either. So in any case, we can not now rewrite her past now. We can only help her to deal with the tricky and confusing situation she has found herself in. And for sure, if her bf would break up with her or clearly decided to get back with his ex, then things would be clear that she should not bother him anymore. But that did not happen. The guy was just having his doubts like pretty much anyone in this situation would have. Of course we could advise her that he just moves on to the next hopelessly confused man and leaves this guy to go back to his gf, which maybe would be a good thing to do, but perhapse this is not yet quite necessary at this point. Perhapse there is still a chance things could work out this time around or at least some communication could help redolve some doubts or make the break-up less harsh.
Nikki, I thought your thought pattern.. except for the Muslim comment. They are brutally killing people. But any who... we will ignore that and the comments about how men cheat, do drugs, abuse etc, etc... let's not forget, women are just as bad and probably worse. So, let's keep this good discussion going. Why is it hard to stay in a relationship?
It's funny that you talk about planned marriages or first sight meetings. I recently spoke to 2 couples who met and within 1 months time got married. 20 years later they are still together and happy. I have been trying to figure out why everyone is struggling to meet someone to be with for a long time. Maybe we aren't meant to be with each other like society expects. I met this guy on POF. He reached out to me, very direct, no BS and when I read his profile I knew I would like him. We met shortly after. I like him. He apparently wasn't sure but contacted me every day via txt or called. He didn't ask for a second date. so I asked why (bad decision on my part). I was direct with him, thought he only wanted something casual so I asked. He said he wanted a relationship but it seem to be that way if he didn't ask me for another date. So, we went on one after my careless directness. It was fun but I think he was expected some intensity. I didn't push it. I had fun. He seemed to flirt with me as he drew me into him close to watch a video on his phone. When it was over... nothing. No kiss, no invite for a 3rd date and so I left. He texted me later saying I did well today (we played a game). Well, he started disappearing. (isn't the 3rd date sex related in a guy's mind?) He continued to walk away but I stayed in touch. I chased him. I asked him for lunch before a trip away for several weeks and he cancelled. So, I let him go. He reached out to me while I was away just asking me how things were going since I was taking care of my Mom. (It was on my birthday, that he didn't know about).. I didn't say anything and I answered his question. I let him go. I got back to town, reached out to me as friends and he was very responsive but nothing about asking to get together. He was very nice. This was up until this past Saturday I sent him a question asking "are you not interested in me",, did he think I was chasing him. He responded very nicely and said yes he thought I was chasing him that his hours are odd (which they are, he works night into mornings) and he said he hoped I'd find someone who care about me as much as I cared about them. He said I wasn't trying to lead you on just being friendly. ... ob boy!
Why do they have to assume that we are looking for committed relationships right away. I don't get it.
My response to him was that I didn't think he was leading me on at all. Was hoping maybe I found someone I could have some fun with once in a while. Both of our schedules are crazy so I thought he'd be interested. I treat dating very differently at this age (50). I Thanked him for responding.
Why is it that we can't just talk more before we assume something. For all the time he was responding to me.. all he had to say was "Hey, I think you are great but I am not interested"... why is that so hard. Don't go on a dating site if you have a schedule that is complicated for a majority of the candidates on the site. Again, I don't get it. He is such a good guy! At least I got any answer.
Sheesh... Dating is such an overrated word and should be removed from any relation to getting to know someone.
The thing is most of us know immediately if a person is worth our time. There is no if ands or buts. If you don't know when you meet someone, let them go. Don't waste your time. It doesn't have to be that hard.
Nikki.. "I thought your thought pattern" should be "I like your thought pattern"
Omg!!! There is at least a billion Muslims in the world and if they were all brutally killing people then how anyone on this planet could still survive! Do not trust this media propaganda. Muslims, in their majority are wonderful, hard working and peaceful people and there are more honest and monogamous men among Muslims then in any other religions. There might be some problems in their Islamic world these days, but then again, wars and agression happen everywhere. Let's pray that it gets resolved.
Oh honey. Where were you on 9/11?
I was working with other Muslim women and man who I swear gad nothing to do with what happened on September 11.
I think if you think you know right away when you met them you might be right. But you also might be terribly wrong. Do not overrely on your first impression, cause it may deceive you. Get to know him a bit before you decide. But I agree a bit. Perhapse you can't know if you could live the rest of your lufe with that person, but at lest you should know if you'd like to see them again or not.
I may be wrong and unorthodox. But I would go against majority here and say if you like a guy and he treats you nice there is nothing wrong with calling or texting him every once in a while. Even if you had a fight or misunderstanding it is still OK to keep in touch, cause you know what? Every couple has fights, doubts and misunderstandings. They are perfectly normal. And even when it comes to other women. Almost in any relationship these days you would have to deal with some other woman, like an ex, who does not want to let go. A sexy co-worker, who goes a bit beyond pure business, or some neighbour next door, who had a crush on your man forever and they even had a thing or two at soe point long time ago. None of us live in a total vacuum these days, so everyone will have to deal with those other women from time to time and I think just giving up all communication with your man and breaking off the relationship completely every time another woman starts bothering him will only lead us from man to man to man and either finally to some total loser that no other woman will ever want or even worse places. I think a woman should have a characted to stand by her man even if there is another lafy in picture or even if not everything in the relationship is sweet and rosy. So if you feel like sending your man a text or giving him a call, definitely do it. Whether it is a text or a callwould depend on his preferences ( you know what he reacts best to). Your preferences ( I personally like texts better because they are less intrusive and there is no chance of getting a cold shoulder from him just because you caught him at a bad time.) You see, if you resently had a fight or misunderstanding his initial reaction to you might be resentful, but then after thinking about it and remembering all the good things about you, he may feel he missed you and respond in a warmer way. So text gives him this time to think in over before he automatically rejects you based on some bad feelings he recently had. There are just a few things that I would not do when it comes to calling/texting a man;
1). Do not drunk call him in the middle of the night.
2). Do not call him when you are mad to give him sht.
3). Do not call him several times in a row or leave many long messages to call him back.
4). Do not beg gim to take you back or even try to convince him persistently. Keep it light, short and sweet.
5). Do not write too much long, complicated romantic letters with poetry and declarations of love if you just started dating or if he is still is at an uncertainty stage. Be a bit mysterious as to how you really feel about him. Better yet, if you want to call him, call him with a totally unromantic request, like ask his help with fixing something at your place, or ask him question that he may be an expert in. If he gets a chance to do something good for you it will make him feel better about himself and you.
6). Do not write or call if he specifically asked you to not write or call or made it totally clear he does not want any contact with you by either ignoring your previous communications or in some other apparent way.
Other then that, I think staying in touch with a man is a two way street. If he stays in touch, you should stay in touch with occasional text or call, just do not overdo so that if becones one sided and you find that it is aways only you texting and Calling with little or no participation from him.
Totally agree with you Nikki! So tired of seeing women drag on about how bad a man is because he "talked" to another woman and every says he's bad. You can't control them. Enjoy the time you get with them and "maybe" it will lead into something longer.
Personally I agree with you putting your foot down and saying that he can take all the time he wants.
I dont believe you thought you were in a relationship centered on sharing...him with someone else.
No matter shes an ex or not.
I am guessing you may not need be so good about anything that doesnt suite you... Suggestive texts certainly qualify as grounds of planting a foot or two down ... He may not like it but certainly should more than likely respect it.
Never beg a man to Love You, and Never let a man tell you Twice he doesn't want You..Don't break your own heart on someone who won't shed a tear for you..Keep it moving! You deserve to know and feel what Unconditional Love is and Being The number one, and only Chick!!.Love yourself..I know it can be hard to detach yourself when you are emotionally involved..one day @ a time..There is a better match waiting!! God bless!! Know your Worth..
Why wait and waste your time and years getting someone to want you and love the same way you do' if it starts bad most likely' it ends badly' you cant love 2 people at one time' more on to the next stage of life and find happiness within ' you don't need love that's draining ' and makes you sad and lost' and unsure the world is full of people tell him you need space and that he's shown you he's unrealistic and you need positive things to make a life.
Oh Hannah....
I feel your pain. It is heartbreaking to see that message and to be questioning yourself and this relationship. What I am going to say won't make it better, however, its the truth so here it goes...
You can't lose someone you never had. From the way you described the situation, you were always second to someone...thus, you never had him and can't lose him.
A true soul mate doesn't see you as an option. He sees you as a prize and nothing you say or do will change how he sees his prize. A man who is just playing the field and exploring his options, isn't being careful with your heart.
Love yourself more. Do wonderful things to nurture your soul. Get a massage, go out to a nice dinner, dress up just because, and as you love and value yourself, you will find a man who does the same...
Sorry if my words are harsh. I don't want you investing any more time or energy into someone who isn't investing in you...
Hug yourself, love yourself, and put this behind you.
Isn't it just a classic case of a confused flip-flop man, hopelessly stuck in between two women and unable to make important decisions to carry on with his life? Well, if this is the case then sometimes some decisions have to be made for some people by soneone else. And if I were in this situ, I would definitely make it for him. I would officially break up with him. I would probably still see him once in a while as a friend, like his ex does, but I would not tie myself with any promises and I would date other guys at the same time. Maybe this break up would finally help him to get his mind clear, and he would finally know what he wants, or maybe not, but either way I would keep myself out of this confusion rightfrom the beginning of the situation.
Yes, I think dating a man who was having problems while still living with his long-term gf was a mistake on the first place. Every couple runs into problems from time to time. You do not want a man who would run to other women as soon as you have some problems. You want a man, who would work hard on those problems with you to get them solved. And you would not appreciate it if some other btc would just through herself on your man as soon as you and him run into a problem. This is just wrong!
Now I know you have mistakenly invested a year of your life in this man, but I hope you réalisé it was a total mistake. It has taken you nowhere good. Another women has invested 5 years in him and you had no right to come in between then just because at some point he started having some doubts. We all have our doubts from time to time. Knowing his situation you were supposed to just give him time to resolve those doubts with her. So just move on. Do not text or call. It will only make the confusion worse and make you suffer longer then you need.
On the other hand if you are still convinced that this is your man, then just accept that it will take him time to resolve his issues, step on your ego, forget jelousy, get extremely patient and play the long game. You may have a chance, or you may end up spending years chasing after the wrong person. I think this would not be the best thing for you.
And just the fact that you and him do not have any fights does not necessarily mean that your relationship is great or that you are a better fit for him then his ex. Not having any fight could also indicate that your relationship is stuck at the beginning dreamy-romantic stage, is not evolving, is boring, is lacking depth, is illusionary and too good to be true, or that it is not even a real relationship at all. That's right. Once the real relationship is over people fight a lot less. It is easier to pretend that everything is just fine when you are only playing a role without really getting yourself involved. Think about it, would it still be all fibe if you had to pay mortgage with this man, feed a family with this man, nurse babies with this man for real? Would you be cool with him disappearing on you or seing his ex if you were pregnant with his baby or maybe you would have to confront him and have a good fare fight about his lack of decisiveness and responsibility. Of course right now you are lucky enough to not depebd enough on this man so you could just run away from problems while he is taking a bath instead of fighting with him, but try and do it with a coupke of babies stuck to your feet. You may not always have that easy out option once you have a real family and real committments to share with someone.
And then again, on a positive side of the situation, perhapse the best way to win over someone who is undecided and full of doubts is to stay focused and doubt free yourself. So what if he has been texting his ex? He's been doing it all alone, and you knew it, but your relationship was going fine and he was getting closer to you while drifting away from her. So what if he wrote to his mom that he was having some doubts. It is sort of normal to have doubts in a tricky situation like this one. The real problem here started not because of his doubts. It started because of yours. You checked his messages ( which is a questionable practice). You left his home and started questioning him about it. Instead of just waiting out this doubtful period quetly, and hopefully giving those doubts a chance to work themselves out you made it worse by adding your own. By ignoring those messages you would send a message that all those doubts are not a big deal, and you are confident that with time they would resolve themselves in your favor. Or you could freak out, drawing extra attention to them and making him feel even more confused.
This make sense. It's our ability to sit with difficult feeling till they resolve themselves. As Jane wrote it's about her and not him. He was already doing something about his doubts, and that was consulting the right counsel-his mum.
We can't control the future outcome. Like Jane I would encourage Hannah to consider things she can control which is SELF-LOVE.
Self-love is truly a badis for healthy existance, but it is hardly a substitute for healthy relationship.
Nina, this is your healthy relationship. Self love. Enjoy your life, be adventurous, spend time doing things out if comfort zone. We all shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone until we have dated and lived ourselves. That is where it starts! Xo!!
I have known people who lived and enjoyed themselves so much that they developed cetrain habits, common to single people. Those same habits prevented them from living a family life. If we get into habit of only living for ourselves only pleasing ourselves how easy is it going to be to adjust to family life, where you have to care for others and compromise every day?
I was hoping you already knew how to do that. If so, its now time to look at you!!
Self-love is truly a basis for healthy existance, but it is hardly a substitute for healthy relationship.
Well, since she says she would marry this man...indeed I think it is a possibility that by staying confident and assertive she could draw this confused dude on her side. But I had a pretty bad experience doing it. I met my ex husband about a year after he broke up with his serious gf of 5 years. In fact he alreafy dated another lady, after, breaking up with his gf for about 10 months. That did not work out, they broke up. And then he met me. But he was still in touch with his two exs and they were sending him suggestive E-mails and even seen him every once in a while. I decided I did not care. I did not want to act like a jelous btch and I decided that I understand. If he told me it's over I trust it is over, but I get it there is still some emotiobal nond and breaking it forcefully would cause him pain and put a strain on our new love. So I decided to focus on keeping him happy, fed, entertained etc, and at the same time gently use my persvasive power to convince him that I am the one so that he would marry me. It worked. We got married after only a few months. Both exes were invited to the wedding party ( pnly obe showed up). But a few months into our marriage the same problems he was having with his exes resurfaced. The guy was confused, unsure, too flaky to work on the problems, looking to other outside women to resolve our family issues. Needless to say, despite the fact that we had a wedding, a house we bought together, a mini van we bought together and two kids our relationship just totall y fizxled out over the next 3 years. It deteriorated to the point where we could neither sleep in the same bed nor even talk to each other at all. And I still see him fairly often, cause he fathers my kids, we often go out together, but it is going nowhere. We are still bith unhappy with this relationship, although on the surface everything looks just fine and whoever sees us together oerhaose can mistake us for a happily married couple with kids.
I'm sorry you can't work it out. It's so hard to see a marriage not work when you are single. I'm saying that me bring single, wishing I could get into a good relationship and I see how hard it can be once you find it. I wished coukd change for you.
What do you want to change?
Perhapse previsely all the confusion...I would love my ex husband to love me and noone but me, but I accepted long time ago that this was not going to happen. So I did what I could to find another committed man. No luck there either. They were all confused and the more tolerant and patient I was with their confusion the more confused I was getting myself. But if I would get intolerant and confrontational that would just lead to relationship breakdown. So at the moment I have to deal with 4 men. My ex-husband. Whom I have to see because we have kids together. My ex boyfriend #1, whom I confronted about his flakyness and got dumped, but he still insists on seen me every once in a while. My ex-bf #2, who was flaky, but I never confronted him, I just found another man and broke up with him, but he is still pursuing me, trying to be extra nice to convince me to get back together, and my current bf. We have almost perfect relationship, he is almost toogood to be true and he almost moved to my place to stay with me ( although he has his own house in orestige area. Be he never said that he loves me, never propised marriage, so it bothers me a bit. I guess he is taking it day by day and so do I. So as you can see, my life us a tital mess. I almost gave up hooes if ever finding a truly committed man. I thought I had one when I was young, but I had to divirce him because our relationship causéed him to quit working and made him fall into a deep depression, from which he could not recover for years. I thought giving him freedom could help him, but I am not sure it did. Ye, us women, we are always told that should we only let go of one loser fir sure we'll meet someone better...the reality is sonetimes by letting go of one flaky men we just find 3 more flaky men. I guess they are all confused and flaky these days. Porn,Internet dating and lack of good influence makes them that way. I guess somehow, us women, we need to adjust by also becoming flaky and cinfused and having relationships with multiple men at the same time or I do not know what else could we do about it. Suffer quetly or become lesbians. ( just kidding)
My father used to say that the happiest marriage us between a woman who is blind and a man who is deaf. Ironically. His father really was deaf, so his parents enjoyed nearly perfect family bliss. So now I am learning to be blind. Not to snoop into my bf messages, not to ask why he was out so late, not to get hysterical if I catch him talking to another woman. And so far it works for me. Not sure though for how long just closing my eyes on everything could really work.
What do you want for you? Forget your man! What do you wish for. Don't say I want a man who is ..... What does Nina want?
Thanks for asking! I guess I already have everything I want. But having a man I could really call my own, who would not have doubts and confusions would be great. But hey, nobody has it all, so I Don't complain.
This is the hardest advice to truly accept, yet the best. You want and desire someone that wants and desires you...over all others. You deserve this level of love and commitment. I believe and see it all the time, that this is where women really mess up. We feel we don't deserve to be loved at that level. It is out there. You might have to meet and date a few before you find it, yet you will. Take this time to be the best to yourself, love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and love. This coming from a woman who spent quite a long time out there, falling for men who barely fell for me and being okay with that. Then realizing, no I'm not okay with that. Got real good at taking care of myself and low and behold after following the advice of Jane and a few others, I am now in a relationship that scares the heck out of me because its everything I ever wanted with a man who feels the same way. So we're taking it slow, communicating a lot and feeling our way into a new love that blows our minds its so good. It feels like home, peace and freedom to be who we are, accepted for who we are and loved for who we are. Its out there. Be love, know you are already loved and be loving to everyone around you.
"This coming from a woman who spent quite a long time out there, falling for men who barely fell for me and being okay with that. Then realizing, no I'm not okay with that. Got real good at taking care of myself and low and behold after following the advice of Jane and a few others, I am now in a relationship that scares the heck out of me because its everything I ever wanted with a man who feels the same way." - Thank you for sharing and inspiring us all with the words we will all be able to say one day. Because it's the only way it comes in the form of reality instead of some distant fantasy, Maureen, by going through it, by being open to seeing what you couldn't see before - exactly like you did.
I'm so thrilled for you, Maureen! Take it as slow as you need to. When you're on the same page, looking for the same thing as each other and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen - it happens! It's only our old selves that need to be convinced of this. 🙂
Maureen, what is your age range and how many dates did it take? I love seeing these stories but miss seeing how women get there.
How did you meet him?
Have you been married?
Has he been married,?
How long have you guys been together now?
Thanks for sharing!!
Hannah , you deserve so much more than what he is doing to you. Please don't give him the satisfaction of knowing your there waiting for him to find himself. Go and live your life finding what you want, you decide whether or not you want to be with him. It'll be hard at first but you can do it. Just give yourself this time to really know your worth, and you're worth much more than what he's putting you through. Good luck Kay x
Beautifully said, Kay. Thank you!
He has already proven himself to be a cheater...and a very deceptive and unloyal person...to both you...and his not quite ex....I know you can't see this now...but count your blessings...this guy is no catch...and no one u want for your future.....
You don't want him...you just were happy after a long drought to finally meet someone you connected with...
But a connection is not enough and it won't be.
This guy is very selfish...afraid of commitment...and doesn't value either of you.
Don't wait for his call...don't accept his call....if u need to....do what I did and call him and tell him he's silence gave you time to think...and what you think is....it's time to move on. Don't let him choose...don't wait...you choose....choose to move on...cut your losses and politely and gracefully say goodbye. Bow out with your self esteem in tact...that is when you will find your real power....
And you will realize soon enough...once you commit to your goodbye....how easy it is to move on...and not wait around for someone who doesn't care about your feelings or your heart.
You will get stronger each day...but let that final choice be yours.
Best of luck
Thank you for adding this, Janet. There is so much power to be found for ourselves when we discover that yes, we can choose, that we even have a right to, and that it's by seeing our choices as our own and that we are not the victims, we discover a strength - and a freedom - we never knew we had.
Hi Hannah what a difficult suiting you are in. I'm in a similar one as my boyfriend of 18month suddenly said he can't take commitment and needs his space, I asked what he meant and his reply was that something had changed but he didn't know what. This was after he attended my mums funeral only 4 days before, I thought that showed commitment but must have been wrong, I have texted and phoned him but not the others way around and my last text a little over a week ago asking about his son has been read and not answered. I've made the decision whether right or wrong to call in today as Im going to be very near to where he lives. I feel that what happens can't be worse than I've been feeling and if it's over I want to know and go on good terms. But then move on. After all seeing someone for that length of time once or maybe twice a week isn't a relationship. He too used to see his ex girlfriend sometimes I knew and another time his son let it out the bag. I pretended I didn't mind but really I did.
I need someone whose committed to a relationship and after all I met him on a dating site so what was he looking for. So wish me well.
Thanks
Sarah
Thank you for your words for Hannah, Sarah. We can only pretend for so long before the truth comes out. You understand all too well when you're experiencing this, too. My heart goes out to you! Don't judge yourself for reaching out to him if that's what you need to do for you. "I feel that what happens can't be worse than I've been feeling." Exactly! And sometimes, it's the only way we can see what's really there - and what's not. You'll get through this, too, Sarah, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. You're here, aren't you? 🙂
I just had to comment on this one ...... I just ended my relationship of a year this week and I feel as if a ton weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know longer have his schedule and me fitting into it and always feeling as though I'm in the way. I don't have that. Now it is his choice if he comes back and at least I know if I choose to have him back he wants me genuinely
I set him free to have his space because he was such a busy man and I never felt enough. He never ever complimented me and now I'm walking around like a cat walk queen feeling so 'it' because I decided to do this for myself. It wasn't up to him to decide I thought of what was best for me and feeling in the way and not enough is definitely not how I want to feel. I love him and he's soooo sexy but he needs to treat me right. I'm worth it. Married 26 years to someone who also didn't treat me right and then I let the pattern repeat but not any more. Please Hannah listen to Jane. Look after no.1 coz u are all u have and u have to feel worthy of having the best for u so take time out and enjoy. My daughter signed me up on Tinder and I'm chatting to lota of different people and it is wonderful. I am not going to go out and date everyone bit talking to new people lifts my spirits. I need to interact with lots of people and smile. I feel beautiful inside. I repeat a mantra which definitely helps: I am a strong, sexy, vibrant, confident, intelligent woman and I am happy. I repeat it 11 times twice a day and it is has been scientifically proven it works. In the end ur brain will believe it. I certainly didn't believe it in the beginning but I do now. Work on yourself and treat yourself well and all will shine. You wait and see.
I feel very passionate about this Jane, as you can probably tell. I love your work and have learned so much from you but also through the mistakes I have made in life. I have learned so much from this last relationship hahahahha good luck Hannah you can do it ? xx
Love your mantra, Suzy. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad you "just had to comment on this one"! How you're feeling - that you're feeling beautiful! - is how we are all meant to feel! I'm thrilled you've found so much of what you were looking for here - thank you for your kind words. So often we don't even realize what we need, or what we're actually looking for, until it finds us and shows us the way. Enjoy your freedom, enjoy meeting new people regardless of whether it goes anywhere or not. Just be. This is your time, and you deserve to feel beautiful in every sense of the word! 🙂
Dear Hannah,
I think Jane is totally right, you should give him the space, dnt text or call, in the mean time focus on making you feel like a queen. Every time you miss him or feel like reaching out to him do something that you love.
Seems like he's the one who is lost, he is not sure of what he wants, one minute he wants you the next he wants his ex then you, he's emotions are all over the place and it's not fair for you to be caught up in that roller coaster coz you already know what you want. If he's yours he will come back to you finally.
Just be patient, if not he will create a space for the one who is supposed to be yours.
Good luck Hannah.
Love Eva.
Beautifully said, Eva. Thank you. So often we don't even know what it is we love - until we're given a chance to find out.
I wish Hannah luck with this. If she can get to the point of knowing she has no control over him and that she enjoyed her time with him maybe it will help move on. It was a great relationship for her to know what it was like to love a man, he lived her back the best way he could but he can't give her what she needs. Very hard to walk away from that.
I think another hard part about her story is why can't she be available to him. Is Hannah really stopping her life to be available for him or is she living her life and being available because she wants too.
Do guys really take availability as an unattractive feature in a woman?
I don't get it.
It's not wrong to be available if we truly are. The issue with availability is dropping your life to accommodate someone else. Hannah was making herself available without really thinking clearly about what she wants and what it means to be exclusive and in a committed relationship. If she had been much clearer on this, she wouldn't have gone down that road with a man who clearly was never available to her.
I think the hardest part for Hannah is that she wants a family. So, she thought he could provide knowing he invested some time with her. It's worth the shot. He wanted to be official with her so it makes sense that things were moving forward. Nothing is guaranteed. Just enjoy the time with them.
You raise a great point, Virgo Ellie. There is a huge difference between being available because we want to, and believing we want to when what we're really doing is being what we think we should be. One is our own, the other is a result of absorbing a cultural message that is not lost on so many of us. We've been programmed so well to be so understanding, so easy-going because we're told in so many ways that this is how we get - and keep - a good man. But if we don't actually feel this way, or we don't realize that this is ever what we're doing, then eventually we discover this being what someone else says we should be isn't sustainable. And when it comes crashing down around us to jolt us awake enough to see what's really being going on, our real lives begin.
No, availability isn't always an unattractive feature in a woman. But when it's not authentically who we are - and for most of us, we don't even realize this is what's happening - it's not attractive at all. It reads like a woman trying to be something she's not, pretending she can do something she was never meant to do, living her life by his terms instead of hers. It makes him feel like he doesn't have to do anything to keep her, like he can be on his worst behavior and she'll always "understand". And it takes away his power to do what he's wired to do - win over a woman who knows her worth, who won't settle for any behaviors that don't honor her or the relationship, and is never more understanding than he would be. That is the most attractive woman in the world!
Hannah, I agree with Jane!!! It will be hard, but you can do it!! I would not call or text. When he sees me at work I would speak but keep it moving. I am reading "48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene EXCELLENT READ!! as a wise woman told me when I was fighting to get my power back "if you set it free and it returns then it was meant to be" Hannah set him free!! and "you get on LIVING" the movie Redemption. My mother use to tell me this "baby men are like buses there is another one coming" take time for YOU and know what YOU want from a relationship once it is not going the way YOU want it to go, get off the bus!!! This is all about YOU not him!! Laugh as hard as you can everyday!! Live your life to the fullest everyday!!! and Love yourself unconditionally!!
My adorable sister JANE GARAPICK... said it all. Kudos!
She did!!!
🙂
That's so kind of you, Bettybaby. Thank you. 🙂
When I was 17, I was deeply in love with a young man ( also my first lover) who promised to marry me after he finished college. He was my knight in shining armor and I loved and trusted him with all my heart and soul. I was the daughter of an alcoholic from a lower class family and he was the son of a CEO and well educated family. We did everything together. We were in love - the perfect couple.
I had to stay home and work to save money for college . I wrote him every day perfuming the letters of love to him.
He invited me to come up for a visit and I went up by Greyhound bus so happy that he missed me and wanted to see me . That's when he told me that he thought we should start dating other people . I was devasted! He would come home on the weekends fit me in if he could (for sex). He was now Mr. Fraternity guy and I found out later he already had a new girlfriend on campus that he eventually married within months of hooking up with me one last time for sex.
I felt like damaged goods for years. In 1976, I got married, finished my teaching degree and had two beautiful daughters now grown and am getting ready this month to meet my first granddaughter and to see my youngest daughter get married .
Several years ago, my old high school sweetheart contacted me via Classmates proclaiming his love for me all these years. My heart skipped a beat those old feeling started to emerge and we emailed back and forth for nine months(I was having major marital problems) and he was a compassionate listening ear. His first wife had divorced him and his second wife who he called the "big-boobed blond bimbo " left him for another woman. His current girlfriend drove a Pizza Hut delivery truck. Talk about revenge is sweet!!!! Anyway , I met him for dinner in my hometown in between visiting family and he asked me if I divorced my husband would I give him a second chance. I asked him "Why would you ask me that"? And he replied "because we were so good together ".
I am grateful to him because after he left, I started to become the woman God wanted me to be who looks to God for my value and not to a man to validate me. Use this experience to become all you can be. Also reading the book
Why Men Love Bitches (Babe In Total Control of Herself). You are the prize!!!
God Bless you!
Patricia
Great story Patricia. Thanks for sharing. Glad it worked out for you.
The young lady needs to stop being the nail for someone's hammer. Stop all contact with the guy and move forward. It will hurt for awhile and she will always have memories of this time in her life. But life teaches us that we are strong and we can overcome all obstacles with time. True love will come and she will not have to be a nail for someone's hammer.
So true, Viola. Thank you!
Dear Hannah,
Reading your letter makes me think you've been too busy trying to convince him to pick you, so busy trying to make your fantasy come true. So busy that you haven't stopped to really feel and think about what you truly want and deserve, and to see him clearly for who he is and where he's at.
Being easygoing is a great quality as long as it's genuine, authentic and it's accompanied by healthy boundaries and self respect.
Think about that, Hannah. I'm sure if you come out of that desperate state we find ourselves in when we're in that situation, you'll see that he may not even be the kind of man you truly want and deserve.
Take your power back, look within to see how you have been allowing yourself to get into unsatisfactory situations and start course correcting. Start loving and choosing you. You're worth it.
Thank you, Angel. You've added some great points to the conversation.
I have been in the same situation. I found out my guy was cheating with his ex He promised he loved me and he wouldn't talk to her anymore. I took him back and it kept happening and I would take him back every time. I'm trying to be strong and tell myself I'm worth more. Do you have any advice ????
You know what to do, Joanne.
It seems to me that you don't want advice because frankly, there's nothing anyone can say that you don't already know.
Ask yourself what it is you need and want in your life, and then ask yourself why you are accepting less than that. When you're honest with yourself by answering truthfully, you find awareness and freedom to change whatever situation you're not happy with in your life.
You deserve much more, but you won't get it unless you start acting congruently with what you do deserve. Taking a man back, who cheats on you is on you. You're choosing it. Why? No one can disrespect you if you don't allow it. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
Before i read your response...i said to myself..."don't call or text" whatsoever. So im in agreement 100%. Hannah you are worth a whole lot more than making yourself too available... to easy going... to present... create some space so he will want yo get back to you...create some space to look after *you*...if its meant to be...and even if its meant to be and he still misses it...let it go! Get into yourself...develop your career...develop other relationships. ..get your hair and nails done! These things make you more attractive to him (if he has eyes that are open)or to a new whole other guy...but right now Dont text (and drive!) Or call him!
Thank you for your passionate words, Kim. You've said so much here!