Our gorgeous friend, who has called herself "Undecided" is in a relationship with a man who doesn't want a commitment.
Here's her email:
I have known my male friend for 5 years. We were both separately married but 18 months ago my friend separated from his wife of 12 years and 6 months ago my husband passed away.
We have since then been good friends not just acquaintances.
He is a very understanding warm lovely person. We both have a disability child and both are very similar. So we understand each other.
My friend has been through two marriage breakups and I can understand why he doesn't want to commit as he doesn't want to get hurt again. I'm still getting over my late husband so I can't commit but some day I would like to have that commitment but I have to look after my children first.
I'm giving myself 5 years to get over my bereavement. I'm hoping this will be enough time for him to change his mind.
What do you think?
- Undecided
My Response:
I chose your letter today, Undecided, because there’s a deeper message behind the answer to your question that can be life-changing if you understand it.
It’s about a mindset.
You see, the person you’re with is the person he is. Looking ahead at what he might become, at what you can see he’s got the potential to be or at anything else other than the person he shows you right now he is, only takes you deeper into your own fantasy and further away from the reality of what actually is, as shown to you by how he behaves.
You have two options.
As in the case of the guy who says "I’m not ready yet, I don’t know why, I want to feel more", or whatever else he wants to say, you can believe him and decide if you can live with this reality and then make whatever decision you need to based on that reality.
So you decide to stay and wait it out because the positives of being him outweigh the negatives of not having him in your life. Or you choose to move on to make yourself available to someone else who is ready for commitment now, when you’re ready to. In essence, you choose based on this current reality.
This is what being on the same page is all about.
Here’s your other option.
Same guy. Same words. He’s not ready. Once again you believe him because we’re learning we need to believe someone when they tell us and show us who they are! But this time, instead of staying and waiting it out or choosing to move on, you choose another option. To change your mindset instead.
So instead of taking any of this personally – this being his not wanting to commit, you change this idea of waiting for a commitment in your own mind.
Instead, you change it around and keep it light. You add some humor, you don't take him so seriously, you see him for the very human being he is. In a sense, you detach from the idea that you can change him, and you enjoy the person he is.
Now if you try to do this and it’s leaving you resentful, angry or frustrated, then you know this isn't working for you and you’re not being honest with yourself. This won’t work if you’re only pretending it is.
Here’s an example: If you feel more like you're only a convenience to someone or they don’t take you seriously, show him that you respect yourself enough to refuse to be with anyone who doesn’t take you seriously.
How? By taking yourself seriously. It’s where any and all change begins. By how we think about ourselves. Start there. If he wants all the benefits of a committed relationship without the commitment that you want, tell him playfully that you’re all about benefits, but not with a commitment.
When you take yourself seriously, when you adopt the mindset that there’s nothing “convenient” about you, that you’re a committed relationship type of woman who won’t settle for anything less, you’ll give off the energy that supports that truth. And in turn, you’ll find him either rising to meet your terms, or it will become so clear to you that he can’t, and you’ll find yourself instead attracting someone who can.
The key is to do this in a way that’s authentic and real, because you don’t have to ask for this, it’s simply who you are. You’re not trying to change him because you understand it’s not your role to change anyone, but something will change between the two of you simply because you’ve changed your mindset!
Not because you feel you have to fight for it or because you don’t deserve it, but because you’ve embraced the fact that you deserve nothing less than a loving, committed relationship.
Erase from your mind even the idea that it’s possible for someone not to commit to you and you’ll find you get exactly that. It’s the groundwork you’re laying here. The foundation for that man who wants a committed relationship with you, to find his way to you.
When you become crystal clear of this fact, he’ll find his way to you. Either in the form of the guy you’ve already got, or someone whose path hasn’t yet crossed yours. Either way, you win.
This is the mindset change we’re talking about. It eliminates the need for waiting for anyone or anything ever again and sets you free to live your own beautiful life, releasing you of being dependent on what someone else does or doesn’t do.
And that changes everything.
Love,
Jane
However listen to all his stories from a distance because it very clear that there is a specific pattern to his behaviors that had been overlooked groundbreaking news you are holding on to nothing only pain either way you must think and grow rejoice and dream. kneel and pray. make room for a beloved. A PRINCESS ATTRACT PRINCE.
Hello,you asked me if i have anything to say,to this ladys thinking, i have done just what you said, we are both widowers , we have been together 4years i want commitment, he is not sure, he is committed but we still live apart his decision, i ask and asked my self why live apart when so committed to each other, but i dont no when , but i just stopped asking gave into our great love, and commitment , and i feel so much more incharge of my life, we see each other all the tme and all wk ends , but when he goes i get on with my own life, if he wants to be in it great, but if not well thats up to him, i have waited to long, and if a man comes along who wants committment like me then ,i will go with what i want, because i have not just filled my life aronnd him and what a differants it has made, he is so more committed and talks about use and the couple we are , and i can just say yes what ever, if he comes great if not his loss someone elses gain, good luck
Georgina,
I guess if it works for you that's fine. I was in a relationship like this when I was younger and in the end I reached my limit and after 6 1/2 years we broke up. Before that I just loved him so much I thought if I surrender to the love we have, everything will be fine. In the end it wasnt but it may work for you if you have changed your state of mind.
As for me now. I dont want to jump into anything fast but if the guy is distant and tells me I'm not the One then I move on.
It is only the 2nd day now but I will start from the fresh now and no more try to imagine having him in my life. I think for him though he hasnt actually understood I have moved on now. But he didnt feel the sparks with me so what can I do. Nothing, so he needs to find what he is looking for.
Good luck Georgina! Listen to your heart.:)
-Annie
Hi Jane and everyone!
I just ended a short thing I had with a guy I met in the summer. It all started as light little fun for me but to my surprise the guy turned out to be something different. He was looking for a long term relationship only in this stage in life he is clearly not ready.
In fact after hanging out together and getting romantically involved for about 3 months, I finally realised I deserved more. We never planned anything in future together meaning when we met, it was always when we started flirting through messages and then we would spent the night and day together out of the blue. When it was time to finish the date, we never agreed meeting again. I was also certain I'd meet him and I wouldn't need to rush it. I grew to like him a lot but after our dates although I knew we'd meet he wasnt still really committing in any way. So last night, I told him I am going to move on and he said he had said from the beginning he couldnt offer me anything. He said I wasnt the One he was looking for. I never asked him what I was to him if not the One but I have already learned from my past experiences that there is no way I'm settling for anything else than being no. 1 girl. Whether it means being the One or not I do not know in this crazy modern world, but I do know I will not be the girl he only has a bit of fun with even if we recently did get closer.
It hurts a lot now but I know I made the right decision. Since he has said how he feels, there is no turning back. Of course I'm very sad and being told that I am not the One hurts even more. It makes it sort of final I think. Like he must know it deep in his heart and things dont miraculously change when he sees what he has lost with me.
So I let him go and handle yet another disappointment. To ease the process I pray to let go of the dreams, hopes and thoughts I have had of him. It is hard though because during the short time we spend together, I had such a strong feeling of him. In fact the dates we had were wonderful. He took me to meet his sister and his parents, so I felt like things were going to work out if we didnt rush. Unfortunately I also had this delusional idea that he was the guy for me and deep in my heart I had already started to make my choice. If only I had known he had not chosen me.
I have no regrets of what happened and only wish best for him as he is a wonderful person. Since I wanted depart in good terms, I also told him this and that I hope he finds what he is looking for. He replied to me he doesn't know 'cause he has failed so badly in the past. So despite of my own pain, I told him he will find it once he looks to his heart and realises his true hopes and dreams.
I do miss him dearly now but I must now focus on healing my bruised heart and continue my beautiful life. I know in time I will be able to move on and smile again to the next person.I also truly wish somewhere out there will be that person I choose and who chooses me but although my biological clock is ticking I guess I am in no hurry.
So thank you Jane as if it wasnt for your great advises in the past, I wouldnt have dared to let go of someone for my own good at this stage. I wouldnt have realised what a beautiful and great person I have become in the last years to deserve a man who really wants to be with me with his entire heart and soul.
-Annie
The mind set idea is a good one but it's hard to stick to for me. My man is running scared from commitment also. I have discovered during this time that he is still emotionally unavailable because he has never dealt with the past hurts that you incurred over an ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend about 5 or so years later. I've done everything within my power to prove to him that I am not like them and I am the real thing. Not into playing head games or heart aches. I have decided because it's driving me crazy, to try to only pray for him and leave it up to God to help heal his heart and mind; which I cannot do. I know without a doubt that we could have a fabulous marriage and I truly believe that he is the right man for me as well as me being the right woman for him. But, it's going to take time. And then the meantime, I am trying to just spend time with other friends and live my life while I wait on the transformation that must happen in order for us to be happy. My preacher even said that he went through the same exact thing and for 3-4 months didn't even contact his now wife, back then when he was dealing with head/heart issues that he had not dealt with before but had stuffed. Men process heart ache and relationships much differently than women do. Women want to get things resolved and move on; men same to want to internalize and withdraw.
Did I write this post? Seriously, it's scary how similarly all of us on this site think. If only these men could appreciate how great we are. They are rejecting the most loyal, loving women, but they seem to be drawn (like us) to people who are unavailable, emotionally abusive and don't love them. Frustrating, isn't it? As it must be for the men who have feelings for us, and who we just don't feel the same way about (I am betting we all have one or two of those nice men in our lives!).
I have a kind, intelligent friend (he is a lawyer from a big city with a second home next to mine) who I have known for four years. We have great conversations, we both love reading and writing, and we share similar values. He compliments me, says I am a ray of sunshine in his life, sends me goofy little gifts, and would do anything for me. He is single, healthy, and confident. Am I attracted to him as a romantic partner? Of course not! I am hopelessly in love with a guy who "doesn't like talking", hates reading, hates learning new things, is insecure, unhealthy, overweight and can barely muster up enough energy to send me a lame text every few days. My logical brain realizes that if I actually did get him to commit, I most likely would not be happy with him. But, when I try telling this to that emotional, sad little girl inside my head, whose fear of rejection gets triggered by unavailable men, all I get is a bunch of tears and a horrible sense of loss when I try to convince myself to move on. So I go back to him over and over and over again, hoping "this time" he will sense my great love for him and then proclaim his undying love for me. Ha!
Deb,
I read your text and I can so relate to it. However, I don't know if there is such thing as settling for that "nice" guy once you have tried. If he is only a friend, shouldn't we be happy about it? Trying to force to be with them romantically would be wrong in my opinion.
You might have a tendency of choosing the emotionally unavailable guy but surely at some point we learn? I do also have my experiences of these men but I finally realized I needed to let go (my story below). Even though my inner child is screaming after the last guy I kind of fell for and I had such a strong feeling of him I know it was probably the best decision so far in my love life.
I believe there is a time and place for everything and that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we just need to be patient. 🙂
-Annie
There seem to be a little girl inside of us, seeing an equal: a little boy, scared and hurt. And we want to help them both - to heal them, to protect and keep them away from the big cruel world. We put all our hopes and energy into it, creating an isolated island for the two. We see only him, with all his faults and bad sides, but we forgive and forgive, ignoring our gut feeling - that it ain't real. The scared little girl is not getting the attention she is hoping for and she is hurt. In this type of relationship, it is actually hard to distinguish who is who and why the girl is so desperately trying to make the impossible, refusing to accept that it will not be the way she imagined it will be - if she actually knows what it was, as it gets lost on the long run. She needs to face and learn from her fears, including the fact that failure and rejection belong to real life and growth.
I hear you SB but at least for me I am not looking for those hurt little boys. I used to because I looked for someone I thought I was deep inside. Someone who would understand my dark side. But then I met the worst person and he showed me what I really was and that the dark side I thought I had was not what I thought but my insecurity and my inner child still punishing herself for the things that didn't exist. On the other hand, he was completely on the dark side and after the relationship ended I felt like a different person. It was the best lesson and experience in my life because it changed me.
So that said, I do not look for little boys but men who are confident and happy with themselves. However, when can you ever be certain who you meet in this modern world? I honestly don't know. I also tend to act very relaxed and I don't judge people nowadays, so it is true I attract all kinds of people and then I may give them a chance also. Because in life you never know and although my recent experience showed me the guy was not ready or actually told me I'm not the One for him, we only live once and when I met him I decided to see what would happen and of course then I didn't think much of relationship with him. It kind of just happened later I got to know him I realized he was a different person and I started liking him more.
So I don't think I really chose the wrong guy in purpose but instead I learned (he showed me) what I actually wanted in life and that I don't need to hide that anymore. We just happened to cross paths and now I am hoping I'm one step closer to meeting my true love.
Dear Undecided,
I want you to run don't walk away from this person. After you known him for 5 years, he hasn't made a commitment, it's time to see the writing on the wall. Trust me, I know. Because even say he does make a half commitment to appease you, he will not stay faithful to you and that I can guarantee. Was in a very similar situation and it did not work out and it was precious time that I invested in him and not myself. Listen to yourself, the little voice inside of you. This will give you the answers.
After reading the story, many questions were going throgh my mind: Who is this lady actually giving 5 years to: is it to herself - really? And why is it so rigid, so strictly defined, 5-year plan? What will be happening in between, 5 years is really a lot of time: is it her waiting for the the pain to miraculously to go away, for HIM to change his mind? What about living, NOW?
Wasn't she able to learn about who this man really IS - she already knows him for 5 years? His stories already show that he never changed his mind, that he always stays the same, as long as it lasts. Why the hell is she so fixed to him, what is she trying to win?
"What about living NOW?" - A question for all of us, SB. Thank you for adding this. How often are we so concerned with looking ahead that we forget that this part, in the meantime, matters as much as then!
Here in Sweden we say, for fun and also because its true: "We only have Now" - yesterday is already gone and we dont't know anything about tomorrow? A reply to " What about Now". Love It! Happy weekend to you all ?
I agree Tessa!
Because of this I have become so relaxed and happy. So I attract all kinds of people in my life. I might have met the right guy to commit with but I'm so happy what I have now.☺️
-Annie
I'm seeing that changing your mindset does make a difference. When you get in your head and heart what you truly want for yourself; you start to see the forest for the trees. You begin to see things more clearly and realize that it's not worth your time and effort to stay in relationship with someone who is not interested in giving you a commitment. I've had my fill of these types of men and all their excuses.
I don't want to waste any more of my precious time waiting for someone to decide whether they want to be with me or not. I know my worth, and I have too much too offer to settle for less than what I deserve.
It has taken me a long time to get this and I am so thankful that I have. Jane's articles are so insightful and the women who reply are so brutally honest; that's what I love about them. We may be getting older; but also wiser. What a wonderful thought.
Such a difference, Anne-Marie! When you detach yourself from what someone else outside of you does or doesn't do, you're the one who takes your own power back and becomes the woman you never knew!
So inspiring Jane. Thank you again.
My pleasure, Kay. So glad you found the inspiration behind the words!
Love the article of changing mindset. I'm in the same situation, but My Guy actually committed Two years Ago, but somerhing happened... We're still seeingdating/hooking up with each other. I do Love him, but enough is enough. Feels like i am his little toy... Not working for me Any longer. I hope he Will change his mind, or its over. So hard, but so necessary. I deserve better. Good luck to all of you struggling with relationships. Love&light Tessa
Being that little toy, only played with when he feels like playing, is so awful. We all deserve better, but until we truly make up our minds that we do, we will keep getting used.
So glad this resonated with you, Tessa. Thank you. We're not toys to be played with unless we allow ourselves to be.
I have just recently unattached myself from a 3 year on and off relationship, I was so helplessly in love with this man, he was everything that i had never experienced before, but he never wanted a a long term commitment. .
He did tell me this from day one , i excepted it then, but feelings grew between us both, in fact very powerful strong emotions were felt for us both, that naturally i thought that his mind set would change towards the commitment.
unfortunately he didnt, i coukdnt understand that if you loved someone so much that you couldnt commit.
So this last year has been unbearable, as still after 3 years he wants to just date, and i wanted a bit more commitment.We got on in every way imaginable but this was a real big stumbling block for us both.
i wasnt honest enough with myself and wanted him in my life that i did things his way, only to feel resentful.
once i decided to be honest with myself and tell him what i wanted , as in a normal, commited relationship, he began to back away and told me he couldnt give me or anyone that privilidge as he doesnt think that he can.
so many times did i walk away only for him to come back to me as he couldnt let go.
every time i took him back, for only to be dissappointed again.
i have cut all ties now, andhave now learnt that if a man tells you from day one he cant commit, you cant change him.
if that is your need you need to move on to someone who is on the same page as you.
So like my own story, so many tries and ways to delay the inevitable. It is already there, or it is not. When not, you change and learn, the hard way. But you do, in your own speed and time. You needed all the step-backs, all the on and offs, to finally grow strong, de-attach and move on.
So true, SB. It may be the only way we come to truly see what we need to see.
And we always want to believe that he'll get there - or that we can live with his terms. We can't understand because we have no reference point for it - "I couldn't understand that if you loved someone so much that you couldn't commit." You can't, Wenz. You can only accept what's true for him. If we love, we commit. But he's not you, and accepting that is accepting reality - and sets you free. The more you remember this - the more you allow yourself to see - it will get easier!
Jane spelled it out perfectly A to Z. It's about living in the present, not creating a fantasy of the future. You can't allow your head to make up stories to disappoint your precious heart! I'm only speaking from experience, like many of us, I'm just recovering from another fantastical fairy tale story myself. After all these years I still fail to learn, but each time it does happen, I feel myself grow/become stronger that much more. Good luck to you, you know what is right, you know what is right for you. We're all in this thing called love together!
Absolutely, Tanya. This is how we stretch, and grow and become the beautiful, true versions of ourselves that we were always meant to be!
Love. This.
I hear you, Audrey. So glad this resonated with you!
This advice is quite logical. I think many of us get it, or we wouldn't be here reading about what to do. However, I think a bigger problem for most of us is that when we finally realize that the person in our life isn't really right for us because he won't commit and treat us the way we want to be treated, and we make that decision to end things, it causes so much pain, that our mind screams "Stop! This is a bad decision!"
Then if our man calls or texts or stops by and gives us some sweet line, (because he isn't comfortable with what is going on either and wants things back to "normal"), the good feelings we get (pleasure) is so much more rewarding than the horrible feelings we had when we ended things, that we go back again and again.
I think that is why if you really want to end things and you know deep inside, the guy isn't giving you what you want, no contact is the only way to go. It gives you time to get over the pain and see things more clearly. But you can't just lie around feeling miserable.
One thing that worked for me came from Melody Beattie's book "Choices". Every time I would think about my man (which at first happened every few minutes!) I would stop and say "God, please bless John, keep him safe, and heal his soul." I did this every single time I thought about him, and it actually helped. It made me think of him as a man with problems who needed healing that I couldn't provide. It also stopped my ruminating and fantasizing about him.
This is such a beautiful recommendation, Deb. Thank you for sharing how it worked for you. It honors us by not having to pretend we can do something we can't, and yet still allows for a connection to him in a beautiful, spiritual detached sense. Melody Beattie's "Co-Dependent No More" was the very first book I found - I stayed up all night to read it I couldn't put it down! - when I found myself facing the reality that I couldn't make the man I had staked all my dreams on love me the way I wanted him to, and I can't recommend her work enough. For it's not another "him" that fills the void; it's always you.
My house is filled with books; as I am an avid reader. As was reading this post; I realized I have some written by Melody Beattie. Co-dependent No More and Choices, and I came across another one written by her, Playing It by Heart Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What.
I believe I need to read Choices again. This time with a new pair of eyes because of where I am today. God knew that I was to keep that book for now; so I will read it and gleam what is meant for me so I can make better choices in the days ahead.
Always a reason we find what we do when we do, Anne-Marie. We are readers! 🙂
Yes! Absolutely agree Deb. When my ex and I would break up, I would be in so much pain and when he would want to get back together, I did it in part so that the pain would end! I literally didn't think I could live through the pain. When I ended things for good, I knew the only way I could do it was through no contact! Otherwise I would have gotten back together with him. No contact and support from my friends was what finally got me to leave him for good. Looking back though, I can see that one of the reasons I was in so much pain was because I was relying on him for my validation and to meet deep emotional needs I should have been meeting myself. Now that I've grown in my self worth and started healing my childhood wounds, I'm finding I'm more able to just let a guy go if it isn't working out because my sense of self is not tied to him and the outcome of the relationship.
Exactly, Sallysue. When all we've known is to be validated from someone outside of ourselves instead of from within, we look to him to do this for us. Just look how far you've come!
Actually Jane ☺
I am going to print your reply -and read it every day until it's part of my mindset. Because I am a loyal kinda lady , I find when I form relationships -I tend to stay open- leave the door open while I get on with my life. After reading your thoughts on this mattee, I think I need to do some work on my mindset..
Keep the letters coming this way Jane ☺
I am interested in looking at my mindset as it's become clear to me that I may be too lenient as I accept my x as my friend. Perhaps I am sending wrong messages out!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Hermione. What a lovely idea. 🙂 Loyalty is such a beautiful quality - but it needs to go both ways for it to honor you!