One of our beautiful readers, Linda, has a boyfriend whose studies will be separating them soon, and he's beginning to get emotionally distant.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane!
Hope you can help me, because I do feel confused...
I'm in a relationship with this guy since March. I met him for the first time when I was 15 (now I'm 18) because we went out with the same group of friends. We've always been sort of attracted to each other but we actually started texting/talking in December...
Then in March we got together. It all started very well...He was so lovely and treated me like a princess... But I've always felt like he was not totally open with me... I talked a lot, he listened to me and showed he wanted to understand me for real even though I am pretty complicated as he says... He seems to know me better than I do sometimes...
He says to me a lot of beautiful things... So beautiful sometimes I feel like crying because I think to myself I am really bloody lucky to have him...
The problem is, that he will be leaving for University at the end of August and his studies will last more or less 10 years!!!!
And I feel very bad about it...I won't see him or touch him or hug him... And I'm scared our relationship will end... but of course I love him and don't want to affect his vision of his professional future...And he seems really concerned about how our future will be like...Asks me if I want to be in his life in the future and stuff like that...
But lately I feel like he's keeping me distant... I don't understand why... He doesn't text/call me so often as he used to, even though when we see each other he says to me I'm the one who's keeping him distant...
I honestly don't want to play games! I want a real relationship and if he's not ready to show me the love I think I deserve and keeps me distant, I'm not going to run to him and try to hold on... Even if it hurts so badly...
I don't want to be loved only if I act all cold with him... I am an independent woman but I also feel needy sometimes... Why doesn't he feel the same?
Why does he say a lot of things, why does he stress on how much he loves me but seems so distant from me?
If we're not able to communicate now that we live close, how can we survive when we're distant?
He said to me once with me he has understood love and has started a real relationship for the first time... So he feels like he has no experience at all in this kind of things...
He also said he's not able to open up completely and wants me to help him doing it because he loves me...
But I feel like he's miles away from me right now... And I don't want to look clingy asking him all the time what's wrong....
Is it because he doesn't want me or because I'm not able to see what he needs?
Thank you
Hope you will help me....
- Linda
My Response:
Dear Linda,
Let’s end the confusion.
When you are with someone who loves you and wants to be with you and is truly on the same page as you, he will make sure that happens. He will make sure you know his intentions. He will make sure there is no doubt in your mind as to what he wants with you.
IF this is actually, truthfully, what he's looking for.
The rest is all filler.
No matter how wonderful his words sound, no matter how much they speak to that part of you that wants so badly to help him experience a love like he’s never known before, if he isn’t the one making this happen himself, you can’t be the only one doing this for him.
The words that say he wants you to help him open up, be closer to you, learn how to love for the first time, are only words unless there are actions to back up those words.
This has to come from him.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s no reason for either of you to be confused if you both are honest about what’s really going on here. But it doesn’t sound like he either wants to be, or is capable of being honest with you, or even himself. And the more honest you are, the more it seems to be pushing him away.
You’ve said it best yourself, Linda: how can your relationship survive the distance when you’re not able to communicate now that you live so close? This is my question, too.
It sounds like he’s preparing to go away and creating this distance already.
Yes, he could certainly change this. It’s well within his power to choose to go somewhere closer or make concrete plans for the two of you, but the fact that he’s proceeding with this plan without including you in those plans, speaks to how much he’s on his own page. And not on yours.
A relationship with someone who’s on the same page with you means that you’re with someone who you can be real with, who you can be needy or clingy with when you feel you have reason to, who you can communicate honestly with and know that he won’t run away.
It means that when you push for more closeness, it doesn’t have the opposite effect with him running away.
It’s not that he doesn’t want you, Linda. It doesn’t sound like he even knows what he wants. That’s why you’re confused. You’re picking up on his confusion!
And to the contrary, you’re more than sensitive to seeing what he needs. It’s not that either. Don’t take his inability to know what he wants personally.
He’s young. You’re young. You both have your whole lives ahead of you.
While it may seem like he’s your whole world right now, he’s not. Focus on you instead of worrying so much about what he is or isn’t doing. Give him the space to chase after his dreams while you chase after yours.
If you’re both meant to be together, meaning if the two of you are both on the same page and want the same committed relationship with each other, it will happen because both of you want it to.
Time can’t take that away from you if that’s what you both want. But if it’s not right now, don’t go chasing after him.
You’re not the chasing kind. You’re the loving kind!
And with the kind of love you’ve got in your heart to give, you need someone who can reciprocate that kind of love back to you. Not someone who you spend all your time and energy convincing of your worth.
I hope you can see this, Linda. When you see it, you'll see you.
Love,
Jane
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and at first things were great we were inseparable always laughing and playing just out of this world happy together but for the last year or so things have changed , we don’t really communicate because when I try to explain how I feel he takes it as an attack and then answers with how he feels and what I do to him and completely dismisses what we were supposed to be talking about in the first place and it always turns into an argument and how I’m to blame, and I’m always left feeling unheard unwanted unloved and not important and very very lonely. We are barely affectionate anymore we don’t ever kiss or hug or hold hands or spend much time together , and when I try to express to him the lack of affection and wanting to spend time together he gets mad and says we do and that he’s been helping around the house more and what he doesn’t understand is that just because we are around each other or in the same room or bed or car doesn’t mean we are spending time together . And so I have to constantly tell him almost daily I feel alone I feel like he doesn’t want anything to do with me or he doesn’t love me and he always responds by saying I’m just tripping that he loves me more than anything I’m the love of his life and he does t understand why I think the way I do. But I go by someone’s actions not their words and his actions show that he is always in his own little world that doesn’t include having anything to do with me he doesn’t talk about anything or make plans together like literally nothing we just sit by each other and don’t talk and he’s on his phone and I’m on mine and I’ve tried offering all kinds of solutions to help make it better, I’ve offered counseling, healthy communication, expressing our feelings, and it literally always ends in him saying how hard he has been trying to show me love and he’s not going to prove to someone he loves them or get on his hands or knees and beg for love , when all I’m asking for is a little small talk or cuddling hugs kisses just him wanting to want to spend time with me . And once I do bring it up to him about the lack of affection or spending time together then he will give me a kiss or hug or try to come sit by me but he never does it on his own it’s like he’s only doing it because I said something so it feels forced and fake. What do I do ? Why do I feel like I want this to work more than him, but he swears he loves me so much and I’m just tripping but I can’t help how he makes me feel!
My first time here. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months now. All seem too good. We tell each other things. When I cheat on him, I make sure I tell him first before anyone does. We made peace with our past. And I feel we are on the same page. Well I guess. Recently, we are on the edge of breaking up. There is a certain girl who really wants him, and recently, I've caught him talking to her secretly on phone, sending her text messages and deleting it immediately, deleting his call log when he gets a call, refusing to pick a call when I'm around, etc. When I confronted him, he only denied it saying he hasn't heard from her in months, accusing me of not trusting him. I really would have believed him, if I hadn't caught him doing these things severally. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to loose him, but I keep hurting. He told me one time that when I'm done loving him, I should let him know. I'm confused. I'm not one to confront the lady for my boyfriend's acts.
Hurtung in love never serves anyone, Bee. Sounds like you have a relationship you've both negotiated together. Question is, why is any of this ok?
I’ve been dating a guy over 6 years. He is very selfish. If I tell him how I’m feeling and express my feelings of dislike or hurt he grows distant and even silent with me. I can’t stand the mind games. He tells me I’m the love of his life and he loves me so much yet he hasn’t seen me in 5 weeks. He either has an excuse or doesn’t show. I’m heart broken. I feel like something more is going on here. Any advise? I’m 50 years old. I just can’t take this emotional roller coaster. All I have ever done was love him. He’s either punishing me for challenging a decision of his 5 weeks ago or it’s something else. I don’t know 😔
Then don't take it, Sue. I know that's so much easier said than done, but if you don't want the emotional roller coaster, you have to actually refuse to stay on one. Selfish doesn't change. We just become desensitized to it with the belief system so programmed into us that our love alone will somehow conquer all. Been here, Sue. Wouldn't wish it on anyone else and certainly not you!
I just love the support on this thread , I too was going through this with my bf but its true if someone really wants to be with you , they will be no pulling back and no games. real love doesn't want distance!!! Peace of mind>anything !!!
Exactly! So glad you're feeling all the support and understanding on here, Princess.
Well I have the same problem I move closer to my boyfriend he pushes me away.dont understand. Don't know if he has someone else he says he love me.
Well i kinda have the same issue but this man is my husband. I dont knw wht to do bout the things tht hes been doing to me lately. He says tht he loves me more then anything but he chooses to stay out late,not call home,or if i call or text him he dont answer the call or text. I have already caught him trying to have sex w other women but i feel even though he says he hasnt i think he has cheATEd ON ME.
Is that all you deserve, Jennifer? Someone who you've already caught trying to have sex with other women, someone who chooses to stay out late, doesn't call home, doesn't answer your calls or texts - oh Beautiful, you're worth so much more than this!
Not long ago I was in a relationship similar to your story Linda. my partner wouldn't commit and he confused me too, I loved him, but he wasn't ready for a commitment. I had to accept that we weren't on the same page and as hard as it was I had to let go. I think Linda you should let go, your so young and if its meant to be, he'll give you the full commitment your looking for. Just focus on your life and the right guy will come along and don't going looking for it, he will just be there when the time is right. Your putting so much of your heart into this relationship, but he's not doing any work to make it work. Sweetie move, it'll be hard, but your so young. Just simply live your life now and focus on you. Jane has helped me a lot with her words of wisdom, and you've come to the right place to get the support you need.
Thank you, Shelley. For everything you've said here. When you've been there, you understand like few else can. Know that your words help, too. 🙂
Thank you Shelley!
I'm really glad to hear you can understand me!
Funny thing I got the special support of you all today!
I actually broke with that guy yesterday night!
I felt it was time to...He was not the right guy for me... Absolutely!
I don't deserve to be confused! Just to be loved!
I realised how much in love I've been with him so far...Denying to myself how badly I was being treated...His words were only words! Words to impress !
Worst thing was he didn't mean to impress me, but himself!
He was so self-centred, he only needed the relationship to show off...
Luckily I understood it in time!
I have my whole life ahead of me and I'm sure it's gonna me amazing if I show myself first how much love there's in my heart for myself!
But not because I'm a narcissist but because loving myself first, im conscious of the kind of love I deserve...If I don't have it then I'll just let go!
Thank you all for helping realising this just today <3
Exactly, Linda! You're seeing this yourself with your eyes wide open now. Remember this moment; it's the beginning of a new way of seeing. Know that you will always find an understanding here. With where you and so many others like you have been, loving yourself first is the absolute essential first step to attracting the only kind of love you deserve; the real kind. And no, it's not selfish, it's only our programming that tries to tell us otherwise.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Too much to live, to much to learn, too much to experience, to much to grow and find out who you truly are and at 18 you're not even close.
I know it hurts, but that's ok. In due time, you'll learn from this separation and you'll come to understand that it won't matter 5 or 10 years down the line.
Go live your own life, with or without him.
Thank you for these words for Linda, Angel. "With or without him" - Yes, exactly!
Hi Angel! Thank you very much for your words! It's so beautiful to see how the world may not only be full of bad people, but also of sensitive and lovely ones!
I really appreciate how supportful you are! I'll keep everything you wrote to me in mind! Thank you again!