Our beautiful friend, Metta, is wondering if she may have ruined things with the man she's dating by letting him know that she wants an exclusive relationship with him.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I've been reading several of your articles on dating someone who isn't wanting to commit and find them really helpful. I appreciate you sharing your gifts and insights. Hopefully you have the chance to read through this all as I would love to hear from you!!
I have been in an undefinable relationship with someone for close to a year now. He said early on that he just wants to be friends because of our age difference (he's 15 years older). However, we've continued to see each other and act as if we're dating.
It has been a roller coaster these past months, during this time he even got into a relationship with another woman for some months and then recently broke up with her. We still hung out and cuddled with each other during their relationship and she was aware of this.
This past month, my relationship with him has really carried some momentum and we are more intimate that ever -- spending every other day or more with each other. Though we're still not in any kind of established relationship and he still mentions that he's interested in possibly exploring with other people.
One evening I ran into him at an event and he was with another woman. This turned out to just be a friend of his and she has a boyfriend. However, I got super triggered and angry -- thinking that he was on a date. I sort of freaked out and went home and decided to myself to end things.
When I saw him next I basically said if my needs (being in a more exclusive relationship) aren't being met than I wanted space. And he immediately said he isn't planning on seeing anyone else and suggested having a trial period of being exclusive. We didn't come to any real solution and it was getting late so we decide to continue the conversations next time.
A few days later, he invited me to a show.
When we were there we got a chance to talk and he told me that he asked his dreams what he should do the past two nights and each morning he woke up with the feeling of "not right now". Then he brought up the age thing again. He says he has the same intuition with me that he did with an ex of his that was my age. That relationship ended with her leaving him for someone else and I think it was really traumatizing for him.
He also said his number one motivation is to not hurt me -- which makes no sense.
Anyway, I was really supportive of how he felt and at the time, I was just happy to have the clarity and knowing to move on instead of staying in the gray zone. Then we stayed the night together and for me it was like a last time, getting closure sort of thing. I don't think he got it because he was sending sweet texts the next day and then asked to go for a bike ride the next evening.
I texted him back saying I would like to minimize contact at this time and he just said okay. I ran into him the next day and I could tell he was hurt and he left early saying he wanted to give me my space. I told him to feel free to stay and that I still want to be friends. I think he also left to give himself some space. It's been a few days now of no contact.
Anyway... My question is about the intense and frustrating amount of regret and doubt I'm feeling.
I feel like I ended things right as our relationship was the closest it's ever been. I'm asking myself,
"Why can't I just go with the flow and enjoy my time with him in the present moment?"
"What if I ruined things by leaving and not letting it have the chance to develop in an organic way?"
"Can I just be his friend at least and be open to dating other people?"
The chemistry I have with him is amazing and it's really hard to maintain space with him. We love and care for each other deeply, but circumstances seem to just not be ideal for us to get involved with one another more seriously. It feels like I'm withdrawing from a drug. I also find myself hoping he'll decide he wants to be with me, but don't want to be waiting.
Ugh!
Wondering if you have any thoughts or advice? Thank you so much for your time!
- Metta
My Response:
Dear Metta,
I’m so glad you reached out to me. I have no doubt your letter resonates with so many women here. You see, we always have regrets when we look back after we’ve been the ones to end things. It’s rarely a role we’re comfortable playing when we feel like we’ve left so much on the table.
But did you really?
There’s a reason it feels like you ended things right as your relationship was the closest it’s been. It’s because he sensed you were pulling away from him and was coming closer only because of this!
He wasn’t coming closer because he was ready for more of a commitment. His words and actions up to that point where you finally recognized he couldn’t give you the exclusive relationship you were looking for, only confirmed that he wasn’t there.
Why else would you have ended things when you did?
He was showing you, telling you, turning to such non-committal places as letting his dreams dictate his actions and using your age difference to further support why he can’t be with you. No wonder you felt such a relief to finally have some clarity from his words to know for sure it was time to move on!
You see, Metta, there’s a reason we can’t just “go with the flow” with someone like this. Because going with the kind of flow that involves being with other women, being on a different page, and keeping you hanging on isn’t the kind of river you want to flow down in the first place.
And what if you "ruined things by leaving and not letting it have the chance to develop in an organic way?" Weren’t you present long enough? How much more of your life were you willing to spend waiting to see if your “pretend” relationship might become some actually real?
Someone who truly wants to be with you will never give you reason to question his intentions, Metta. Remember that. They won’t have excuses either.
And as for just being his friend and being open to dating other people, isn’t that what your relationship already was?
There’s a reason it didn’t make sense when he told you his number one motivation is to not hurt you. It’s because it doesn’t make sense!
This is where consistency in actions and words matters so much to tell you about what a person is really like. You describe this roller coaster type relationship where you “pretend” to “kind of” be dating, where he’s seeing other women, letting you know he wants to keep his options open and isn’t looking for a commitment.
What about that is in line with what you want? What about what he wants is compatible with what you want? He either does or doesn’t want the same thing as you.
And while his actions could have been enough to clearly show you this, when you came right out and asked him for a direct communication of what he wanted and he set the record straight that it wasn’t the same committed relationship you were looking for, he settled the case of ambiguity once and for all.
There's no ambiguity here, Metta, only his actions and now his words that reveal a man who actually does know what he wants; and it’s not the same thing you do. But rather than looking at there being something wrong with you and what you desire, why can’t it simply be that you’re two different people on two different pages who’ve been this way for quite some time?
He may have been able to keep from giving you a definitive answer as long as you were content to be in this type of relationship yourself, but at some point, if two people are going to get together and have a real life committed relationship, they both have to want that.
You do, and he doesn’t.
Unless you’re not sure about what you want. If you’re not, then go there first, and clarify for yourself that that’s actually what you’re looking for.
But if you determine that you are, and you mean what you say, then know that what you’ve done here is take the first step towards actually getting that than you’ve taken in the entire time you’ve been with this particular man. You’ve let go of the one thing that was standing in your way.
The chemistry with a man like this is always amazing. The reality never is.
Love,
Jane
Metta, you helped me feel good about my decision to walk away from a similar situation...after a year of feeling insecure and unsure and in limbo. I finally decided, ENOUGH. I walked away and I know he didn't want me to...but it just was NOT good for me. The constant anxiety and wondering why I wasn't good enough started eroding my self esteem. I have been wondering if I made a mistake - but no. I did not and neither did you. Life is too short to live in a gray area. Often we know this in our heart but are too scared to let go of something that is kind of what we want...so we can go find what we REALLY want...which is to be loved BACK and a commitment. Thank you for sharing - it helped me clarify, in my own mind and heart, that I did what was best for me...and there is definitely some relief! How nice it is to refocus on my own life and date nice men, who make an effort to see me 🙂
Yep I truly agree with Janes comment! It's really hard to hear at the moment but truly don't waste your beautiful soul on someone who doesn't appeciate you or can't commit to you! (That's if you want commitment). I was in such a similar situation last year and it felt like I was detoxing from a drug , I used to wake up at night for months and shake and cried for a year, but looking back it was the best decision I made. And I could see so clearly at the time he was never going to commit and his actions and words never matched eachother. He said to me "I don't want to hurt you" and things like "I live in the present lets just go with the flow" he just didn't want to let me go but didn't want to commit either. You have to make the best choice for you! A guy who really appreciates you and loves you wouldn't keep you hanging on!
Hi Metta,
I know how you feel. It hurts my heart to read this. I just ended a friendship with someone like this. He just kept me around until he got what he wanted. I always had hope some day he would realize how great a person I was. But I just kept getting hurt.
This guy is just not into you. If after so long he doesn't think you are the one. He will never do. He is just using you as backup. Eventually when things don't work out with whomever he'll come back but you will have to let him go - mentally, emotionally and physically. I focused on my relationship with God to get me through.
The question is why are you letting him treat you like this. I think you may have a low self esteem and you need to spend some time working on this. Accept it's over, grieve and move on. You don't deserve that. He never even made an effort.
There is somebody nice for you and they will think you are incredible and you deserve it. This is your story Metta. You write the script, please write him out. He is blocking you from meeting who is meant for you because you are focusing all your energies on him.
You are single, beautiful, confident and ready to meet the guy that will love you and treat you right.
Metta,
My heart goes out to you sincerely. I found myself in a similar situation with a non-committal man for a year as well. So I know what you are feeling and how confusing all of this can be to you. He was honest with me from the beginning and did say he feared committment and getting hurt. With all this being said I thought I would be the one that would help him with this and change his point of view in this matter. Nope not the case. During the 2 weeks of being "ended", it has helped me see more clearly of what he was doing to me and why I even allowed it. You never compromise your needs for any man. You know what you want from a man and you let him know. If he can accept it good then proceed, if he has problems with it, then move along. There are plenty of men out there that are ready to committ. Never fill in the gap in your life with yearning for the love of a man to fill it, I was there in that predicament and that is why I have allowed it for so long. What has helped me so far is reading self help books on this matter and support from friends. Let him go he is not ready for a committment and he will hurt you as he has already stated to you that he doesn't want to hurt you, but he will and has. My friend used to say the same thing and he sure did hurt me in the end. Please save yourself some pain and let him go he is not worthy of your love you have to offer him. I read the following statement in one of my books: "Women who don't love themselves, will always attract men or look for men that don't love themselves as well". This was eye opener for me because I did try to fill in the gap with his love because of the love I didn't receive as a child and he would always tell me he hated himself, so the above statement made sense when I read it. You deserve the perfect love and he won't be able to give you that love. So pick yourself up and learn, grow and improve yourself. It starts with you. You can do this! I have. Start today, love yourself.
Sonia
Metra,
I got a sick stomach when I read your story, this man wants his cake and eat it too. Run as far away from him as possible. He has told you up front what he wants, to be friends and date other people and keep you on the side as an additional booty call. I bet he has other woman he's sleeping with and thinks he's hot stuff. The guy is a player...run from him.
I agree that the guy is using weak excuses to get out of being in a commitment. I have had different experiences that feel like that too. The current one that hurts is that the father of the guy I was seeing said some really mean things about me, and the guy didn't stand up for me, and made light of the things he said. He wouldn't talk about it, as he said it was his father, and he didn't want to talk badly about him. I felt it was a weak excuse because no one should be able to say downgrading things about the person you say you love, even if it is your father. I let him get away with it for a while, and then realized it was not ok, and he should have had the strength to stand up to his father. I think overall that he was using it to not get too close to me, and not make a real commitment. There was also an age difference between us. No matter what though, I feel that a man should be able to stand up for a relationship if he is acting like he wants to be in it.
My issue is that if I start dating a guy that I'm not too interesred in and we're not on the same page it is fairly easy to walk away. I feel like I know what I want and I don't want to waist my time. BUT when I'm interested in a guy and he's showing me "that he's not so into me" I become an emotional mess. It's always with the ones that I want. Why do I do this? How can I change so it doesn't bother me so much, so I can be strong enough and look at it as the "guy's loss" and not mine? Why am I so "off" that I can't find a mutual interest?
I don't think age should make a difference. I have a lot of good friends that are in happily committed relationships, or even married. Multiple that are married and are 15 or more years apart. I believe if he wanted to have a relationship he would make it happen. I think you should move on. He knows what he is losing - should he change his mind he knows how to find you. I would hold him to being in a committed relationship if he tries to come back. If he has a problem with it, tell him "your dreams said that you should end things, and eventually he will realize what he lost".
Hi Metta! Jane and those who have comments is giving you excellent advice. Your story resonates with me in an eerie way. My story includes a man who has told me that he wants to spend as much time with me as possible however he doesn't believe in being exclusive unless you are engaged, which means there are other women. My question has been, "Why would I want to be engaged if you are not willing to be exclusive long enough to demonstrate commitment in a loving and trusting relationship?" Over the past year, I have not felt secure with him because of his inability to commit on a deeper level. And, like you, the chemistry is amazing so I continue to make excuses for his behavior. However, if you truly are wanting a man in your life who can solely commit to you and demonstrates this, then this guy is not the one! I have recently figured this out for myself. It has been five weeks now and I have not seen or called him. He has reached out to me twice. That type of communication is not really even a friendship. I had to choose to take a step back so that I could see the whole picture more clearly. When we are so emotionally intertwined in his life we are not seeing reality. By the way, most likely Jane is not the first person who has told you that if this mans actions is not demonstrating that he's committed, then he isn't and most likely never will be. Actions speak louder than words.,My family and friends have been telling me the same thing for the past year. However because we truly love and want "him" we search for answers or advice that will validate that we should continue hanging in there for just a little longer! Thank goodness for women like Jane who can help us see the reality of what is happening. We need to pay attention to that gut instinct that something is not right and the feelings of longing for more. That is the alarm within us telling us that something is wrong, so pay attention. I have chosen to love myself enough to let go. I hope you can do the same. By the way, letting go has caused me some heartfelt anguish. But, I would rather feel this now and know that I am on the path to healing my heart than experiencing the mental anguish of wondering if he will ever commit. Remember, "To thine own self be true."
Beautifully said, Belle. Thanks so much for sharing your own story - and for this ... "By the way, letting go has caused me some heartfelt anguish. But, I would rather feel this now and know that I am on the path to healing my heart than experiencing the mental anguish of wondering if he will ever commit." - For all of us who have been there, I'm sure we would all agree wholeheartedly with these words. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's hard. But the alternative? So much worse!
I have been in such a relationship and yet to recover. Metta you need prayers to go thru' the whole episode. Prayers do work and GOD Bless.
Thank you, Anne.
Metta you made the right decision for you. I wished I had the courage to walk away when I knew in my heart that he was not going to be committed to me (something I wanted so badly) he did all the things you described in your letter. We had so much fun together, went on trips together, met his family, best friends. Everything a woman would think that this is the one. I caught him with other women and I was so blind that he would introduce me to the women that he was sleeping with. I asked before then were we exclusive and he stated yes....Metta even after I caught him, I forgave and stayed. The only thing that really made me see the light when I had a doctor visit for STD. Then I knew I had to walk away. It has been hard yes, I had invested 3 years. But today, he is somebody else's problem, he just got married to his son's girlfriend's mother. He was and still is an egotistic a_______!!! I am glad that I am free to love and receive love from who wants me and not everybody else. See how going with flow leaves you (diseased and hurt). Don't look behind you, he is the past, keep looking forward, their is somebody that is for you!!!
I so hear you, Real Davis. Thank you for sharing. If we could only see the future now, it would be so easy to have that courage at the time! Thank you for your words for Metta. When you've been there, you understand like no one else can.
Metta, you did the right thing however "minimizing" contact isn't enough, you need to cut it off completely or else you will just be preventing yourself from experiencing true happiness. I suggest you mourn this, decide what type of commitment you want, and then put it out there - there's no shame in this at all! Say upfront when meeting men that you are looking for a serious relationship, and don't be willing to play any games at all! I just started online dating and I can't tell you how easy it truly is to see what someone is looking for. There are so many men's profiles that say "I'm looking for something real, a long term relationship." Or "im looking for my wife." If that's what you want, meet the men who are saying that, not the confusing stuff your man was saying. There is the other side of men who say "Im just looking to meet new people and date around" or "im in no rush, just want to find a fun girl!" -- these men don't know what they want yet and if you know what you want why waste your time? If your dude had a profile, it would say something like this. In retrospect, you weren't a good fit for each other because you're looking for completely different things. Dont worry about him anymore, and go out and get what you want 🙂
"There are so many men's profiles that say "I'm looking for something real, a long term relationship." Or "I'm looking for my wife." If that's what you want, meet the men who are saying that, not the confusing stuff your man was saying." Great advice, Julie. Thank you!
Oh and by the way, Metta, there is NOTHING wrong with your need to end things with him. This guy I just ended things with; he seemed to think that I should "give him a chance" by doing things on his terms. He seemed to think I should have no problem with non-commital and non-exclusive dating. I was left feeling worried I wasn't "cool" enough because of the turmoil I felt. I have decided that my needs are healthy and normal, and we can't let guys like him make us feel less than that. Reality is, we are wired for secure attachments, not for insecure ones on shaky ground. The right man for you will want to give you what you need!
Thanks for pointing this out, Audrey. So many times we take on the words, the feelings, the sentiments of this person who we so want things to be different with and turn them on ourselves. Having someone else's "cool" or "perfect" response isn't you. Your own needs, your own desires, your own terms are as valid as anyone else's!
Hi Metta,
I just got out of something very similar. I was less involved for less time with this guy than you were with yours; however, it was similar to your situation in that he wanted "nothing exclusive" and definitely no commitment. He wanted to enjoy my company on his terms, and even one time made an effort to convince me he wasn't involved with this other woman he spent a lot of time with. He wanted to keep me right where he wanted me: no closer and no further. He used his charm and gave me positive attention so I'd stay in his life, but he was nowhere ready for a commitment. I did the healthy thing for myself by ending it. I can perceive now that he has issues and fears and insecurities of his own and is just not capable of giving any girl a secure relationship. It's hard to accept, but it's also plain as day. When a man comes up with reasons and excuses to not commit, but still wants some sort of relationship, he is just not relationship material, and he has only a painful roller-coaster to offer, rather than a mature, stable, loving relationship. Situations like this certainly feel like drugs and drug withdrawal!
"When a man comes up with reasons and excuses to not commit, but still wants some sort of relationship, he is just not relationship material, and he has only a painful roller-coaster to offer, rather than a mature, stable, loving relationship." - Exactly, Audrey. Thank you!
I cringed reading this. This is very similar to what I went through last year.
-He said early on he just wanted to be friends
-He doesn't want to be there because of the age difference
-He had a relationship with another woman and kept fooling around with you and the other one knew (that was the topper!)
-He is "traumatized" because of the other young woman he knew
-He wanted to explore seeing other women
-It's been a year... God, a year!!
And you feel regret and sorry you ended things, because you can't let this evolve "organically"? Seriously??????
Metta, I don't mean to be crude, but come on!!!
This guy is such a waste of time!!! He's a piece of work!
You have wasted too much time in a situation that is not honoring of the woman you are. Remember we teach people how to treat us. No one can disrespect you if you don't allow it.
Why do you let someone treat you this way? Why aren't you asking why you have so little respect for yourself?
I was in your shoes just last year and being on the other side of this, I'm telling you, there's nothing for you with this person. He has his cake and he can eat it too and it's not because he cares about you at all. You're being a placeholder till he finds someone "better", and you're choosing to stay despite all these red flags.
You really don't love this man, you're just blinded by chemistry. Chemistry is not love. You're sticking around for an idea you have of him, how can you honestly really love someone who doesn't care about you and dismisses you like this?
Your self esteem and sense of self-worth are on the line. Recover them, do what you need to do to end this and find out for yourself why you're putting up with this.
I felt like dying reading this. It made me feel like you were me and I so wanted to yell.
Please dear Metta, I know I don't know you, and I shouldn't even be telling you what to do, but please know you deserve so much better than this. Truly. Find your love inside yourself and give it to yourself. I wish you lots of strength and clarity.
There are men out there who wouldn't even dream of treating someone this way. When you end things and you take your time to heal your heart, you will find one when you're ready.
I agree Angel!!! BRAVO!! It was not fun being a "placeholder"!!! I will never be that again!!!
Thank you, Angel. For sharing your experience and your insight from being in such a similar place. When it sounds so familiar that you can almost feel what it was like to be back there, how can you not respond so passionately! "There are men out there who wouldn't even dream of treating someone this way. When you end things and you take your time to heal your heart, you will find one when you're ready." - Exactly! And so it will be for you, too, Angel.