It's the 21st century. A most confusing time when it comes to the age-old question of "Can I call him or do I have to wait for him to call me?"
And I know you've been overwhelmed with so many different answers to that one question. Everyone seems to have a different answer for you, with different reasons to back them up and different way of letting you know. But behind all this confusion, lies a simple basic truth that has always been the same, that will never change regardless of what our culture chooses to do.
If you call him or text him when you haven't heard from him, it won't change the way he feels about you, it won't change whether or not he was going to call you anyway.
But it will change you.
Because there's something we do with ambiguous situations like this. We go to our #1 go-to place - that place known as "overthinking".
The one where we question whether we shouldn't have said something. Or if we should have said something else instead of what we did say. Where we get hung up on what he thought, or what his response (or non-response) meant.
Where we blame ourselves completely for what we should have known. Or for even calling or texting him at all.
This is what changes us!
It tears down what little self-confidence we have, and rips through our fragile self-esteem.
And right there is where we find the bigger question to all of this, can you handle that?
Can you handle waiting now for the part where he calls or texts you back? Can you handle not knowing whether he seemed so happy to hear from you because he genuinely was, or because it simply takes much less effort for him to respond to you than to initiate his own call to you?
Sometimes your answer will be yes, and sometimes it will be no. Because, more than anyone else, you're the one who knows what you need.
It may be "yes" when you can't or won't focus on anything else but him, when he's in your mind, your thoughts, your very being, and there's nothing you can do to shake him. In that case, is worrying about what he may think of you by calling him really much worse than what you're already putting yourself through?
Is it worth where you've found yourself, in this place where you're not really living, not wanting to believe what would have saved you so many tears, so much living in a type of fantasy, holding on so tightly to those last words of his that so clearly meant nothing to him in the end?
So to call, to go back there, to drive by the place where he lived or worked, yes, they may admit to the world and ourselves just how obsessively we can love someone and not be ready to move on, but to see him with someone else, to see the reality that he is, in fact, happy – so very happy without us in his life – and that he's not missing you at all, but was out enjoying his freedom getting on with his own life, that kind of clarity has the power to save us from putting ourselves through this facade any longer.
It's that reality check that shows you so much quicker the way away from him and back to the place where you belong, with yourself, with your own life, with a new fresh start.
Don't do it for anyone else, do it for you.
You know what you need to do. If you shut out the noise of all the advice, however well-meaning it is, and just listen to your own heart and soul. You know what it means. That silence from him. We can't stand it, but it's oh so necessary for you to hear it.
Silence means he's busy. Too busy for you.
Silence means he's confused – and doesn't want to lead you on until he's not.
Silence means he's not looking for the same thing you are, or on the same page as you.
You might not know for sure, but I know there is one thing you can know for sure.
If he's ready for something more than the silence, you will absolutely be the first to know.
Do you want to wait? Then wait.
Do you hate waiting? Then don't wait.
Do you need to know? Then do what you need to get your information so you can be true to yourself and know.
It doesn't matter what he thinks. It matters what you think. And how you live. And what your quality of life is. And how happy you are. And how depressed you're not.
Another thing I learned?
There's so many other things that matter in life besides whether or not someone who's not even on the same page as me cares enough about me to want to communicate with me.
Like whether I'm happy. Like whether I'm moving in the direction of my dreams. Like whether I'm taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Like whether I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do. Like whether I'm living within my means. Like whether I'm going out and doing the things that add to my self-confidence instead of breaking me down. Like choosing what I want for a change, instead of taking care of everyone else and their feelings and needs and not feeling guilty about it.
Those kinds of things.
Because regardless of what you decide you're going to do about calling or not calling him, or texting or not texting him, he's going to do what he's going to do anyway. He's going to think what he chooses to think anyway.
This is so not complicated for him. Don't let it be for you!
Love,
Jane
What do you think about the whole calling/texting him question? Tell us in the comments!
He calls and texts me everyday, yes, even tho he lives with her....he finds a way to escape his so called Hell everyday. Yes even on 2 week all inclusive vacations to Mexico, etc.... He says he's coming to live with me as soon as the money comes in. We have an internet connection. He lives overseas.
Iam now exactly In this situation. He doesn't answer To my messages and I am the One who is reflecting and anxious. Why is it so difficult to let it be?
I couldn't agree more, you can make the first move by calling but are you at a point, where your strong enough be hurt or diappointed. And here's the thing, if he doesn't call you, he doesn't want to be in your. Period!
That's it, Cheri. Now we just need to take our own advice. ❤
He sent me the nicest message then ghosted me that was nearly a month ago. By that message if it was meant for me, I would say there was interest. I replied to it and had awful gut feeling something was not good so I rang and text to let me know he was ok and nothing- gather he was done and forgot to tell me- ffs we are adults
I was reading your posts and have read similar ones over the years, and I really thought ‘yeah... I know all this stuff’...but I was definitely not practicing it... I rang my ‘casual’ relationship partner 4 days ago to say I can’t do this anymore. I’d reached breaking point and the anxiety was killing me. He told me all the things I’d been doing to ‘back him into a corner’, all the text messages I’d sent which felt like bombardment. I felt sick! It was like reading one of your blogs! But it was ALL ABOUT ME!!!! I was that woman. I still really loved this guy. But he didn’t love me. And I am incredibly sad he didn’t want to make it work. But this light bulb moment of my behaviour is a break through... I hope I can remember that feeling so I never act this way again!
Very good advice and helpful.
I wouldn't waste my time calling or texting, clearly he's just not into you, so go find someone who is
I feel like if I could just remind him of what we had, and how it could be moving forward.... but he moved on quickly with someone else! He has zero interest in me it seems, after 4 years.
If someone cares enough or wants to be with you or is that special one- they will be regardless of what you text them or whether you call them.
I recently had this happen to me. I had been dating a guy for a couple of months but I seemed to be the one doing the chasing, so I sat back and waited to see how long it took him to contact me . It took 2 weeks before he contacted me . So it ended there . He had no excuse because we were all locked down with the virus. Not accepting that in my life anymore. Recently met someone who is totally the opposite and really happy
Happy for you, Sonja. Sounds like such a better place!
We were together 2yrs. He cares about me I know. We're 4hrs apart. He can't get past the distance right now. Hes very logical and practical in thinking. We're best friends and continued talking and being there for each other and he knows I want him back one day although I haven't been emotionally needy or overbearing about it. He says hes overwhelmed with his financial, life struggles, etc and doesn't want a gf and doesn't "want to answer to anyone" 🙄I know. I broke up with him 4mo ago and we still communicated almost daily. I finally told him I believed we would eventually be together and if us talking daily was working towards or away from that, he said he didn't know.
I said we won't miss each other if we see each other (video chat) and communicate daily,He agreed. But he got VERY emotional. Why?! I don't understand? If he wanted me he could have me and he's risking losing me but gets emotional at the thought of simply not talking. I don't understand. Will no contact push him away?
No, it won't push him away if he doesn't want it to, Kristen. He gets emotional because he doesn't want to believe he could actually do something here to keep you. It's so much easier for him to believe it's left up to something outside of him and greater than him to decide what the future holds for both of you. Still your guy?
I do not like to text the guy I am seeing first. It seems to give me a "boost'' of confidence when he texts me first. Makes me feel important and loved. Even if all he really wants is a booty call.
Go for real, Kelly. You're worth so much more than a booty call!
Omg you are so on-point with what you said. I always try to justify why I need to text him or call and it RARELY works out in my favor. Then I feel horrible and am filled with regret and spend way to much time thinking that I have ruined any chances.
Thank you for putting everything to clearly.
It's a vicious cycle, Pamela. But you can get off anytime. That's the part to remember especially when it feels like you can't!
I am going through this now. What started as a seemingly awesome close relationship with serious promise now has me anxiety ridden.
Initially there was a high level of communication. We have been seeing each other 2 months. The communication has gradually dropped off and I have found that it's me initiating text and plans. Last weekend I cancelled our Saturday night because I had not heard from him until 5pm. Sunday we spent the afternoon together and all seemed fantastic.
Today I decided I would bite my fingers off rather than text him after a week of very little communication. When we are together it's phenomenal. He has introduced me to his parents who are phenomenal. I have excused the silence during the week because he is an engineer and they are a unique breed, however the silence is deafening.
I always send a good morning text, well not today. This has left me wondering if he's "into me" or not and how will I know if I am always the one to initiate contact or make the plans? So it's truth time!
Happy to see this feed!
Exactly, Lauren! So glad you're seeing this for yourself. You'll never know if you're always the one initiating contact and making plans!
This post is amazing! My so called boyfriend disappeared after 8 months of being together. He left his clothes at my flat, he told me he loved me. I never called, I texted a few times to ask whether he was ok. It continued for 3 months, I learnt his parents were unwell and he left his job to take care of them. I offered help he never replied back. I wished him a happy birthday recently and frankly I just wanted to keep in touch a becusss we never broke up and he never took his clothes. Today I received a reply after another month of silence saying can you please stop bombarding me with messages....when I didn’t. I just wanted to keep in touch as a friend - why people are like this?
Hi Jane,
Thank you for your advice. I find it confusing when my male friends say, if you like him, go after what you want. I tell my two best male friends that he likes me, he calls me, we have a conversation and he tells me he can get together on saturday. Then towards end of conversation. He says he can't get together on Saturday because it's too u predictable, he is an on call doctor. He can get together on a week night. He told me to text him schedule. At end of conversation I felt unclear on whether he would call me first to get my schedule or I would call him, so I asked him. He said I will call you or you call me on friday or saturday.
so I left a text message on his phone only answering a question about some thing he said in conversation "let me know what you find out" . It had to do with local disaster. So I texted him only what I found out and left it at that. He texted me back one word "yes" after I told him people in disaster were okay. He never called me. My male friends told me to call him to set up the weeknight date. But I didn't call. I don't know what I said wrong in our conversation to cause him to not like me anymore. I didn't text him or call him after that text message.
Hi Elsie, I can imagine your confusion. We have all been there. Forget about what your male friends say. What do you say? What do you feel? What does that quiet voice called intuition tell you?
What do you need? What matters to you? What feels right for you?
We need to listen to ourselves more than we listen to the outside world. Of course we can share knowledge, experiences, perspectives, and read a lot, but it always comes down to us and our being. We know more than we think we do. Don't look at men as if they're a monolith and all think and act the same. It may seem so given our subconscious patterns, but it is not true. Look at individuals and choose those who are compatible with you and who can add to your happiness. Forget the rest.
Hi,
i have a two year old from a man that left me when i was 6 months pregnant, for over two years his been asking me to leave him alone, give him space. He moved on with someone else and i still call constantly hoping he will come back to us.
He answers my calls and questions and tells me that i dont respect his choice of leaving him alone and giving him space. he says all he wants in his life is peace and when we together we cant go 3 days without fighting. he says that he doesnt see any change from my side so how can i expect change from him.
that if he want to be in a relationship with me, he will be, when his ready and does not want to be enforced into one.
yet im scared because what if i stop calling and texting, he doesnt call or text, what if i'm just giving him space to move on with this other woman and build a life with her.
how is me giving him space and leaving him alone really going to fix things between us or make him want me back.
even after two years what if i have caused to much damage and displayed characteristics that he will always remember and not want me back?
i am just so scared of loosing him completely
Why are you clinging to someone who doesn't want you? Dear Reia, this isn't healthy. You need to respect his wishes and his position and respect yourself to not compromise your dignity. Chasing after someone who has repeatedly asked you to leave him alone is called harassment. Don't do that. You're better than that. Your fear has nothing to do with him. There is something else you are projecting onto him. Something subconscious. Can you get help? Therapy does wonders for us when we are feeling lost and confused, fearful. Please take care of yourself and your baby. You're the ones who matter. Let that man go and find a place within yourself where you are safe and strong for yourself and your baby. No other human being on earth is more important than the two of you. No man ever deserves a pedestal. Whoever doesn't want you is not right for you and you don't want them either. Find that truth inside you and feel it. There is someone out there that can help you see these patterns and recover from this. Big hug.
Without the fear, Reia, would you still feel the same way? Take the fear out of this, and you'll have the answer your heart knows. You deserve so much more than this.
I will keep coming back to this post/article whenever I feel like missing him until my feelings fade away.
Hi. I started seeing a guy when his wife split with him and somehow after they got back together became the ow. Please don't judge as it wasn't planned and we both felt guilty. I love him with all my heart but finished it a few days ago when I realised he was not going to leave his family. My problem is that he always replies to me and this makes it harder to.not contact him. And it's easy to.find any excuse. Your article has helped as it says if he is not on the same page as you he will contact you if things change so I need to stick to this
Hi Jane,
I lived abroad the past three years in the middle east and I just moved home to the US. By coincidence a guy I had known from the middle east (because I was friends with his brother)was studying abroad here in my area. We had never had anything prior in his country but from our first hang out here we became inseparable, exclusive and a couple pretty quickly and definitely on his pursuing. I am 26 and he is 28. It was one of those relationships where everything just seemed so simple and we really clicked. We constantly say how happy we make each other. He always has been there and constantly surprises me with gifts and we talked 24.7. We had one small fight over the Thanksgiving period because I wanted to travel somewhere with him but he kept putting it off and not giving me an answer of what he wanted to do. I wound up making the mistake and told him he had to let me know if he was going with me or his friends for all 4 days because if not I would go without him. Sure enough he didn't like that I gave him an ultimatum and we fell out for a day or so not talking for a day. He ended the silence though and apologized for being mean. I wound up going with a guy friend to ski and he went on an embassy sponsored trip with his friends. After it all we talked because he was mad I had gone with a guy (even though it was just for the drive up and we stayed in a group setting) and I was upset that he didn't value me enough to put me first before something he never had even planned till the day before. We talked and it turns out the real reason was that he had never traveled with a girl before so he didn't feel comfortable with it and he told me he didn't want to feel forced into it. I explained to him that I had been hurt and apologized for my actions. We resolved the issue as I explained my ex never used to care what I did and that this relationship where someone actually cares about my whereabouts was new to me. We spoke and resolved it. He then asked me what I was expecting out of this relationship that night.
*Background note:
Because I've been hurt before I try to avoid creating anxiety for myself by being overly controlling and saying that I expect a marriage out of this. The last relationship I was in I told my partner I was looking for something serious in the beginning and ultimately told him don't date me unless you would consider marriage with me one day and that clearly didn't work as he still left me for cultural reasons after a year together.
So I told my SO that I was taking it one day at a time that as much as I want to plan my future exactly that doesn't always work. I told him I'm not young obviously but you make me really happy so I want to continue with it and see where it goes and he said the same. He mentioned his mother had called him though wanting to speak to him about some girl she had found for him to marry. Because we had just talked though about us and he said he was going to speak with her I never thought he would actually consider it. I told him ok like obviously let me know what happens but I didn't think he was serious about it. He just wanted to be honest with me about everything but we left on such a good note that night that I never imagined it would ever become real. Fast forward to now. He flew home for the holiday break to visit his family around 2 weeks ago. Right before he left he asked if I would miss him took me on an amazing date and gave me a lovely and very expensive Christmas gift (although was more of just a gift because we are both Muslim and don't celebrate Christmas). He was communicating as normal for the first few day or so but then we started chatting less and more just sending each other funny notes via social media. But I always continued to wake up to videos or something from him although it wasn't direct conversation. But one night he started to talk. I had deleted a photo from the ski trip on Thanksgiving of my guy friend and I because out of respect I thought it was a good idea. He asked me why I had deleted it and then was asking if I had feelings for that guy and he didn't know what happened on the trip that I had gone on. I didn't understand why he was bringing it up again since I thought it had been resolved prior. I told him that I did it out of respect told him nothing had happened asked him if he was feeling ok and I assured him that I would never lie to him even if I would lose him. He said he just felt weird about it and it made him mad and he didn't want to hurt me. I said please don't hurt me and I don't know what to tell you besides that you mean a lot to me and I don't want to ever ruin that. Then he dropped the bomb. He followed up after that with that he had said yes to his mother’s marriage plans for him. I was completely shocked dumbfounded and hurt. We got on skype and he was so calm about it but I asked him if this is what he wanted. He said he wasn't sure he thinks it’s time to settle down and have a family. I asked him well what about us would you ever consider us getting married rather than someone he had just met especially if we make each other so happy. He said he had never thought about it because we had happened so fast and that 2 months ago he had never even thought about marriage. I asked him what he wanted because what were we supposed to do and he said he would leave it up to god. He wants me but he said he will only return to the states for another couple months and we are also very new. He has had friends marry for love and end in divorce and he's scared of that. He said we can see what happens. After some thought I said I couldn't stick around to wait to see if he would choose me if he already said yes to some girl's family. It would kill me inside to fight for someone who is technically betrothed and might not choose me and I am the kind of girl who gives someone my all and knowing that would kill me. I told him maybe we shouldn't talk for some days and for him to enjoy the time with his family and think about what he wants and that I would take some space because of all that had happened.
However now this has backfired. I sent him a loving letter and a few messages basically saying that I want him in my life but that is is his decision as well and I cant force him into it. I told him how much he meant to me and if he wanted to try for us I would loyally stick by him. Yet now he had read everything and not responded at all. It’s been exactly a week and no word. He isn't due to fly back until after New Years. When I said take a few days I didn't mean the entire 3 weeks he is gone or maybe even never. I am at a loss here. I don't feel like it’s appropriate to send him anything else but at the same time I feel like I gave him too much of an ultimatum/pressure on the spot and should apologize and take another step towards him but I also don't want to seem needy and push him away more. I'm getting stronger in my self-control for not wanting to message but I still feel tormented not knowing. Am I doing right but not reaching out anymore? It’s a daily torture. Let me know what you think I had not having communication it really hurts.
Reading your comment, I interpret this guy as someone who's not logical. He was looking for an out when he asked about you deleting the other guy's photo. He was looking for excuses to break it off with you. I don't think he's scared of marrying for love. My guess is he doesn't make decisions for himself and he's used to his parents making them for him. Leave it up to God? Really? No. Just no.
You didn't push him away, you didn't give an ultimatum. Not at all. I believe he's the one with the problem and you're here feeling guilty and apologizing. What?
I see that you're also not being fully clear in your actions and what you say. Don't be afraid of "pushing him away". Don't walk on eggshells just so someone will love you. If they don't love you when you're truthful, when you're 100% you, what's the use?
Focus on yourself. Start doing things you love, get off Facebook, get off your phone, and go live your life. Remember what you're about, who you are honestly, think about what Sarah wants outside of anyone else's script. When we're too close to the situation, we don't think straight and we start trying to control things out of fears. That's definitely not a good sign.
Know this: you have to be real and upfront with men. If they ask you what you're looking for, tell them the truth. Don't tip toe around it because "it'll drive them away". Let them go away. When the men who are not serious go away due to you expressing the truth, you only make room for the men who are not confused, who want the same and who mean business. Stop deferring to men what you want. Tell the truth always: "I would love to get married and have children. That's my dream. Of course I will need to see how the relationship feels to determine if we are compatible for that, but that is my vision" instead of "let's see how it goes". That last phrase is an ambivalent guy's expression. Don't take that on.
I hope things get clear for you soon and that whatever happens, you come out stronger, clearer, and happier.
Hi Jane,
I have been absolutely LOVING all of your articles and can relate to so many of them.
I (28) was in a relationship with a 30 year old man for a year and a half. When we first started dating I was 100% clear on the fact that I am dating to get married, not for my health or because I have nothing better to do. We agreed on that, all went well for a while until he took 9 months to actually ask me to be his girlfriend and invite me to meet his family ( he knows family means a lot to me). We lived 3.5 hours apart but took turns on the weekends to see each other. I committed myself 100% to this relationship, even finished my studies earlier so I can finally move closer to him. Two days before a final round interview that side he called me all excited saying that he landed his dream job in another state, 1750km away from me. I was so shocked I couldn't believe my ears. This caused a lot of issues to surface, I asked him straight what his intentions were because if he truly loved me would he do this and not even bother to offer a solution other than " You can come if you want to, but its at your own risk. I cant promise you anything" ... and later " What if im not ready for marriage in another 2 years? ". I faught so hard for this relationship, to keep it together. Sacrificed so much, and a month later if fell apart after he said I have become too demanding. This after I decided I was no longer going to be a doormat. Long story short... it has now been 4 months since we broke up, we still talked up until the week before last. He just stopped texting or calling... and I decided I was going to do the same now. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head. And how he could just forget about everything we shared, while im here still torn apart after months!
I'm so glad these are resonating with you, Melanie. This is so clearly about him and not you. He doesn't know who he is or where he's going right now - he only knows that he doesn't want to be responsible for what you decide to do. It's where he's at, even though it hurts so much from where you are. Be so kind and gentle with yourself right now. You're not going to understand it because it's not where you're at and it's not what you would choose, but this is him showing you more of who he is and that matters so much in the long run. Don't take this on yourself; allow him to be himself. He's obviously full of his own securities and uncertainties and doesn't want to take on more than he's capable of right now. It may change in the future, but as he said, it may not either. In the meantime, focus on you and your own life. If this is someone on the same page as you who's truly compatible with you and wants to be with you in the future, nothing will be able to keep the two of you apart if you want this, too. But for now, do what you need to do to understand where he's coming from and what he's going through enough for you to accept him, enough for you to find your own peace with what is. You can't change him, Melanie, but you can change your response to him and take back your own power again so you can see that you're still the same beautiful woman you were before him. It's the reality of what is, versus the fantasy of what we so want it to be but what he can't be right now. Don't take that on!
I like him.
I dont want to think now. Because if he didn't want us staying in contact why will he even text me to give me the first number we initially use to call and text each other which is personal phone number and not the work phone. I texted him happy birthday yesterday around 12:40 am until now haven't gotten a response back. He out of state im in va.
I have read i think zillions of write ups on what or how to handle if he keeps switching on and off on texts... by far this ones best... everyone tells what to do like a cliche list, this one tells why... and most importantly it focusses on YOU.. thank you so much, gave me a lil bit of peace 🙂
Exactly, Rolly. You're so welcome. I'm so glad this gave you some semblance of peace! 🙂
Why is it that we overthink about texting or not to text. Shouldn't it be an easy answer ? i think our thought process should be who cares if you do or don't.... meaning if you want to then do it , if you don't then don't and quit worrying about what the other person is thinking about it bc they are probably not thinking anything about it.
I say all this bc I am in the same position of overthinking. I dated a guy for several months until he basically just blew me off. After about 2 and 1/2 months I hear from him casually. He apologized for treating me the way he did and how rude he was and how he never should have done that . he said he didn't think i would want to hear from him let alone talk to him again. he explained why which was because he had a lot of family issues going on in his life but regardless he still shouldn't have treated me like that. What I liked was how he even used the words "I'm sorry" basically admitting he was wrong. that speaks volumes in my book.
bc I had an interest in him should i let him take the lead on this or just go ahead and initiate contact. i really don't see anything of this becoming more than a friendship, but i question his motives for the apology. not that i don't think it was sincere, but was it bc he's interested in more or was it just to ease his conscience and forgive himself for treating me badly.
isn't it amazing how we just continue to overanalyze everything. the answer really should be quite easy. i want to be able to just call or text him and even suggest getting together without him thinking i want something more. if he wants to get together he will if he doesn't then he won't ... it honestly doesn't matter to me bc i have other friends I can hang out with . so what do you all think ?
Hi Jane.
My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago, besides that he blocked me on Facebook. After two months without any contact, I decided to text him first..and asked him to catch up sometime. We are meeting tomorrow... does this means he is interested again?
Hello,
I was seeing this guy for 4 months. Everything was going great, until one day he disappeared. Should I leave it for a week and then write? Asking why he disappeared and its cowards act? Or just leave it.
Im completely losing the plot over this, I just don't understand what went wrong and why he could be so cruel.
Just leave it Hun - I went through this too and now I think I should have just left it
Hi Jane- I too met a guy who turned me into some desperate fool. I met him online, the first dates went great. Until he started making excuses to cancel on me. We talked on/off for a year. The last time we did I told him how I felt about him. He didn't respond. I was upset and sent a text about whether he wants something with me Or not. I got no reply. Clearly, I made mistake after mistake to get his attention. I still find myself thinking about him because obviously my feelings toward him were genuine. But, I know I deserve so much better and I deserve for someone to care for
me in the way I did him. Although it sucked getting rejected, I've survived this heartache. It's still a work in progress but I know when I find myself again, this will just be a lesson learned. Thanks for your wise words!
Hi Jane, I am so happy I found this article because it's funny that I have been sitting here with my cell thinking if I should call him. I have been dating a scientist for 5 months now and he's truly dedicated to his work. I told him that i had feelings for him last week and he said "let's see where things go" but the thing is he's looking for a full time job at a university and now has an offer in FL and had two other interviews this past week. He doesn't call or text much but he always responds to my calls and texts. I wish he'd just be straight out and say if I am not someone he really would see himself with rather than be so distant. I have decided that if he doesn't call or text me then I won't do it either. He's an amazing guy but I can't do what needs to be done for both of us and I will not try to get in his way of the job/s offers he's getting. I will live my life and try to continue making the best of it like I have been before he came along. Thank You!
Date others. His silence and distance are enough for you to know he's not looking for the same thing as you and it's not fair on you to be hanging on for a guy who's not interested.
Let him be, and let yourself be and move on with your beautiful life. You're worth it.
Exactly, Mommiesheart, I'm so glad this spoke to you right where you are. And remember, while he may be an amazing guy, you're an amazing woman, too - who deserves someone who's sure, who knows, who can be honest with both himself - and you!
Hi, I met a guy we clicked fooled around (not all the way) and I felt that it was OK. He is from my home town but lives eight hours away; he was visiting for the holidays. He said he would like to stay in touch if ok and I said sure. .then he asked for my address as he would write me a letter; this idea pulled me in. Fast forward a month now and nothing..found out he is abroad and left two weeks after holidays. I am disappointed. . How did I get to this? So dumb me, a texted just to say hello and hope he has a nice time ( his sister told me he was there),, it went well with him saying that perhaps maybe we could exchange stories once he gets back. What have I done?! Why did I care?
And why did I text him first? Lol eeesh
Because we always do, Lynn. Don't be so hard on yourself. We have to wake up to see what we're doing before we can begin to do something different. You're not alone! 🙂
Great site, thank you! I had a misunderstanding via text with a man
I'd met on a dating site. We were going to meet later that week. Long
story short, after he said he understood, I got a text the next day
saying he wasn't ok with what he thought was "drama" etc. I replied,
and stated my feelings about it all.
The following day, I wrote him with my view on what had transpired,
and how I view relationships. That we are mirrors for one another
and here to assist each other in working through things when they
arise. Using one instance of misunderstanding & not being able to
move past it, didn't feel good to me, nor would I put that on anyone
else. I figured, if he wrote me back & understood where I was coming
from, then he was a Stand up guy and worthy of me. If he didn't write
back, then he did me a huge favor! I sent the text and truly let go of
any reply, felt good!
Fast forward 2 weeks later, and I wake up to a text from him telling me
I'd picked a crazy time to go to NY (snow storm). It's clear to me he's
been "sitting" with the message I sent him, and mulling it over. Short
reply after I shot a text back to him which was him telling me to "Stay
warm!" and no reply from him. I'm not attached to his reply again or
not, but I find it very interesting that I heard from him after so long
a stretch & we hadn't even met yet as we'd planned. I'd love your
feedback on this one. And no, I will NOT contact him unless he does
so first , again! I know my self worth & really, this guy helped me to
step it up during our first round!
Thank you 🙂
Sounds like you're on two different pages, Dina. Misunderstandings are all a part of getting to know each other in the beginning stages. It's how you work through them together that tells you more of what you need to know. Don't take his reaction or non-response personally; you only want someone who's actually on the same page as you - misunderstandings and all!
Hi Jane,
This article completely relates to me. I am 24 and I recently lost my virginity to a guy I thought felt the same way about me. He said all the right things . I messaged him the day after I asked him why he was acting so weird , he didn't messaged me back until next week. Saying that he doesn't want a relationship because he's moving. I was upset but I agreed to just having no strings attached sex with him. Four months later and I still haven't seen him in person. I was in a lost place because he wouldn't talk to me... so I would call him literally everyday from a blocked numbers he recently found out it was me. He was upset but never once told me to leave him alone. He blocked me on Facebook but not on his phone (calls/texts). He doesn't answer any of my calls or texts. He reads my messages but doesn't respond. I asked him if I'm bothering him and if he wants me to leave him alone but he won't respond to that. I jut want him to tel home it's over and to stop bothering him but he hasn't. It hurts because I really really like this man. I held my virgnity for this long but decided to share it with him because I never felt so sure about anyone like I did with him. I am so lost. I've lost all respect for myself in his eyes. I'm so desperate with the calls and texts but I don't know how to stop even when he clearly will never respond. What should I do? And will he ever come back around?
I hope you're better now. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's ok that he wasn't the one. You're virginity meant a lot to you but it definitely does not define your value.
I just hope you've moved past this now
Wanna hear a similar story?.. yes he said the right things, every note tuned... well had no sex coz it was only 3 months and across seas, just texting relationship. Then all of a sudden starts ignoring, i ask why, no reply, i texted " if its over its over but just clear it to me that it is".. nothing again. Then i send 2 drunk texts.. i get "sorry?".. and thats that.... i convinced myself that it is ( it was so hard... for me atleast, real pain)... I took all the memories out, changed number , was moving on...fast forward 10 months... he messages me on gmail ( that is the only contact i didnt change).... saying he has been trying to contact me on all other options since 2 months. Said sorry and reasons why he left , i actually took him back because i beleive in benifit of doubt....but i know now what i signed up for... he might play the same again, and i will not entertain or lose an inch of me this time for him if he ever does the same again.... if he wants me in his life, he is going to put some effort and keep me.. good for us, or else he wont, good for us again.
this is the situation I was in thank you jane because that makes me see reality for what it is thank you
You're so very welcome, Lucinda. Keep focusing on that reality. It will show you everything you need to see.
I'm ashamed to say I stayed in a relationship TOO long with my ex-fiance. He consistently complained of things I wasn't doing to his liking. Time, years went by. He got sick; I was by his side. I got sick temporarily and his patience were not up to the test. He took my healing time as a "rejection" of being able available for intimacy. He announced he'd met someone, falling in love, wanted her to move in and consider marriage. Needless I was devastated. That was a year ago of pain, shame and separation. Although he continued to call and insist on seeing me throughout the year; I recognized at the time of my insecurities I stupidly agreed thinking we would work things out. I last saw him two months ago; found out she and her two children actually moved in. I announced I'm not interested in being a "side" interest and was not interested in seeing him on those terms. I went away during the holidays. He constantly called asked to be with me and text that he "missed me". I now suspect he was married at this time. A week ago, I allowed him to visit. I discovered his wearing a "a wedding band". To my disappointment he still does not own any wrongdoings. He continued to express all the wrong things I didn't do in the relationship. To my shock he wanted to be "intimate" and told me he missed me and was not happy. I held my ground and told him he'd made his choice and it was not me; there is an "end" to this book and it's been written. I apologized if I caused any pain; and wished him well and encouraged him to go home to his wife. This is his third marriage. The second marriage was annulled the first year. Trust me this took lots of strength! He's at retirement age, 3 adults sons, but now is responsible for two teenagers. Two days later he blew my phone up constantly asking that I return his calls. That was a week ago. Yes, I was devastated, sad, etc., then I realized perhaps he's confused and possibly regretting his decision. And I thought to myself whow I'm the blessed one--I dodged a bullet. I could be the wife and he's calling and visiting another. Although I long for a relationship. I have no energy at this time to cultivate a relationship. I've gotten involved in exercise classes several time a week, meeting new friends and I'm content for now. And I think to myself "life is not that bad". For the first time I'm loving me and learning my value. It's because of your blogs Jane and all the others who share. I AM A SURVIVOR! and my company is not so bad. I know this sound so cliche, but PLEASE learn to love yourselves and you really WILL be loved in return.
Don't be ashamed, Phina. We stay as long as we need to so that we can see clearly what we couldn't have otherwise have seen. It's how we grow, it's how we get to where we want to be. There's no shame in that! There's only love and compassion for who we are, for what we're learning along the way, for how much we're coming to see for ourselves in a way that no one else needs to understand. It's because of what we go through that we come out the other side to a place we could never otherwise have seen.
You can't make him "own his wrongdoings", Phina. You can only give him back what's his and refuse to allow any of this to rest on you. You are blessed! You absolutely dodged a bullet. You are a survivor! And a beautiful one at that! 🙂
Absolutely brilliant Jane!!! So true--you never have to question how he feels. He clearly tells us through his actions. The one that is right for us, won't let such an amazing package like ourselves pass by. If we think about it, when we are so interested in someone, we let it show, we make time, we flirt, we make conversation, and we let them know how we feel. If he can't see the amazing person you are, than be glad he let you go--it makes room for that right one to come in! It comes first with loving ourselves and knowing what we deserve!!! We shouldn't settle for anything less than the very best!! <3
Thank you, Tina. It is so true! So glad this resonated so much with you. Your words capture exactly my message here. "It makes room for that right one to come in!" - Exactly!
Wow powerful words, truth be told I used to be one of those girl's worrying my pretty self over what men thought of me, until I learned that what other people think of me is non of my business, my business is being kind to myself by walking away from anyone or thing that holds me back to live a happy and positive life, my biggest achievement was to create and own my happiness. I make me happy, thank you for reminding me how unworthy it is to chase after some1 that's nt totally in2 u, it's a waste of energy. Stay blessed:-)
So true, Thaby. I'm so glad you discovered this for yourself! Thank you. 🙂
In my case I have decided not to call or text my ex-boyfriend. For my own peace of mind it best that I get on with my life and look after my needs and not worry about who he is sleeping with, taking out to dinner/lunch or even what lies he is telling them about me. If he really loved me we would still be together and not apart.
The excitement faded from our short relationship due to lack of trust and affection. His desire to date as many women as possible, not to mention to be admired. He was never able to be faithful to one person, regardless who she is. I know I deserve better and will not accept any less for now on. There will be now contact on my part.
Exactly, Mary-Anne. And you do deserve better!
Great!
Thanks, Vanessa!
jane its not that easy telling your self to calm down while you know your heart still cares.. if he doesn't text/call you after a broke up I feel like my life dont exist but I'll try to forget him though it not easy
oh I know, Prudence. None of this is easy when you're going through it and you only want it to be the way you want it to be. But when you take a step back and see that you're giving this person the power to determine whether your life even exists, that's a huge reality check for you to see. Who is he that you're willing to give him your like this? And who don't you believe you are?
I completely agree with what you have written. I actually came upon your site by trying to get direction in my own life and you hit things straight on. I am 47 and you would think by then you have things figured out. Heck NO!! But, you gave me much needed direction with a person I had in my life and it was the direction I needed to hear. Your awesome and I sent your site to a friend of mine. We forget how simple it is. It is truly about your own happiness and you can't change how he feels. Actions speak louder than words!!!
Thanks so much for your kind words and referrals, Jannine! I'm so glad this is resonating with you. And know that it takes many of us a very, very long time to break through all the programming and discover these truths for ourselves. "Actions speak louder than words!!!" - So very true! And especially when we believe them.
Jane thanks again for a wonderful article and like so many I wish I had you in my life years ago I suppose i had to learn things in a different way, sometimes it's the best way to learn.
When I look back and think about all the times I agonised whether I should or shouldn't txt/call a past lover
astonishes me now, I do truly believe that it shouldn't matter if the person is the right one, or at least a conciously aware person!
However as we learn the lessons we need to learn we don't always get that honest mature person most times we get the complete opposite.
Sometimes it takes time away from the attachment to see what's really going on, I suppose if u can truly believe in yourself and what you can offer, be strong and let go of the outcome and attachment then whether you txt or not becomes less important.
aw, thanks for your kind words, Rosy. Know that we all have those regrets. I so hear you! And you're so not alone. It doesn't matter how long it takes, in our own time, that's the time and the path that's right for us to see what we couldn't otherwise see.
yes indeed it painfully when your try to call someone and he just ignore you call ,even when you text him ,he doesn't text back .it real need time to think of what you real want in this world .cause action speak. i guess if he is not happy he should talk to me.cause not answering my call and text wont solve anything
Exactly, Belinda!
I think this makes the most sense of the many many articles I've read. I knew what was coming way before it got here and chose to keep the blinders on that I've yet to rid myself of completely. I did call one more time and left a VM. I didn't ask for a call back, nor have I gotten one. But it did make me feel better and I'm not sorry, because as you said, I was being true to me. And I still care, and I know he still cares and I know it doesn't make any difference. He's not going to call.
The good news is, I've been out a little, and I know there are other options. And his coming back and then leaving shook me up enough that I realized I lost me a long time ago; long before he came back. And now I'm bringing me back; the confident and self-assured lady that I used to be. I used to think that guys lost interest in me, but now I realize that it was me that lost interest in me. And I have him to thank for that.
I'm going to be just fine.
And you will be, Liz. More than just fine. The story back to ourselves is a beautiful one, where you choose who and what you want in your life and see that it's been you all along."I was being true to me" - Exactly!
Thank you, Jane. I wish I would have known all of this stuff years ago! It's so liberating to finally understand all of these nuances to dating.
So glad, Lisa. I so hear you.
I am in this situation right now and I know I'm being obsessive and acting crazy but this guy has gone from full on to nothing and I want answers either way so I continue to ask by text with no response I'm loosing the plot and my self esteem is rock bottom. I am the type that needs closure not just cut off all communication it's driving me to do things I KNOW I SHOULDNT BE DOING!! Why am I like this I ask myself but can't stop but eventually I know I will have to give up let go and move on just wish that was now.
That you can see this part - that "eventually I know I will have to give up let go and move on"- is huge. It will be when you're ready, in your own time and way. And you will!
First of all, stop beating yourself up. There's nothing wrong with you and certainly nothing crazy about what you're doing. Like any woman in love or like or in interested, what ever, you want to know more about this person and you want to continue things. It's really a character flaw on the other person's part or plain ol inconsiderate if they can't tell you what's really going on.
Don't wait for eventually to come. The longer you wait, the more painful it will be. You can't avoid the pain of it. It's going to hurt when you let go, I'm suffering through it now. But every time I get weak and want to call him or text him, I think about the fact that what I'm doing won't change his mind about me. That if he really was smart and wanted me, he'd make a move. If he does not, I don't want him any way. He can keep moving and become some other woman's problem. Some other man would love to have such a great woman in his life. You have to know that you can't stop a man from being stupid. lol. But just don't take him back when he then tries to call you. Back off, play it cool, and forget he is on Earth.
Thank you, Wiserwoman."But every time I get weak and want to call him or text him, I think about the fact that what I'm doing won't change his mind about me." - Exactly!
Hi Jane,
Now that I'm 36 and have 3 young children as well as being a single mum, I have a lot of other things to think on or worry about. I don't just think about a man whom I'm in love with.
I think that helps in my relationship with him. We are not exclusive at this point, however one day I would like to be. But for now my children and other priorities surrounding my life takes the front row.
I do think about him. We do see each other sometimes, however I can't be with him all the time.
As for text calls. I wait for him to do the calling. Sometimes I will text him but it will be because I need advice. If he doesn't text back, I leave it at that. He will eventually get back to me.
Yours faithfully
Shannon Barrett
Sounds like you've figure out what works for you, Shannon. And that's really the point of all of this. You. Thank you so much for sharing!
I think contacting your ex really depends on where you are. If you have made some positive changes in yourself and you are feeling good about you and I mean really feel good about you then by all means contact him because your confidence will shine through that you care about yourself. Also you need to be honest with yourself and decide if you can have a positive conversation with him that will add to you feeling good. If not reconsider doing it later when you can be stronger.
Exactly, Elsa. It all comes down to you and where you're at, and what you can personally handle. Thank you for highlighting these points.
First and for most! Thank you!!! I already had this figured it out, but is much easier to hear it form some one else. You are absolutely right, he'll do what he pleases him and go on in his life. So I decided I will do the same, go on with my life and welcome who wants to be part of my life with open arms. Anyone that doesn't want me or wants to be part of my life can leave or I will leave them behind as they are not worth my time and effort. I need positive people in my life and this life I am living is full of negative energy I need to get rid off. I am better without anyways!!!
So glad this resonated with what you've already come to on your own, Iris. Even though we know it in our hearts, it's the confirmation that keeps us running with what we've got. Don't stop; when you've shed the negative energy and found all the positive people out there just waiting to embrace you, this all becomes even more clear. It's all about where we're standing - and who we've surrounded ourselves with. They're so not!
I met a very desirable (maybe too desirable - looks, money, etc). He was from out of town. We instantly hit off. Said he'd be back in two weeks. I didn't take his number. Never heard. Was going to go back to the place we originaly met 2 weeks later (romance movies running in my mind that he's there too, looking for me.. he lost his phone.... lol) NEVER heard from him until 8 mos later I receive a text. I knew it was him. Had his reasons/excuses.
We met, instantly hit it off again. Then it was back & forth. Then we had a great talk (he thought I was seeing somebody - my work keeps me pretty busy so a LDR seemed OK with me)... From that talk - it was great. Constant texting, calls. Made our next plan to meet, talked about it, both couldn't wait.
That night we met again, amazing. Wanted to take it slow. Take me on a trip and still "take it slow, meaning, no sex". Asked me to be his girlfriend... Well, that same night... we didn't take it slow.... everything so romantic. Next day, awesome. The texts, the missing me, "it's your boyfriend".
We had a day in between then a date the next night, horrible. Said he was a little hungover from the night in between. Long story short, he made me feel unspecial and I told him so.
We were together again that night but romance out the window. He's leaving the next day and it was like, I had to leave early so he didn't have to walk me down in the middle of the night (he was leaving the next morning)... so I just said I'd leave now. Didn't say a word to him all the way to the valet (he took care of). He was in a great mood. he told people that night about our new relationship, how we met.
I gave him his "xmas gift" anyway since he really did do a lot up to that point. He opened it right away and called me to thank me. that's when I told him didn't make me feel special, etc.
He texted me the next day (he was leaving). I waited to respond, still annoyed. Remembering that he had mentioned previously that going through his phase of only sex, they never stayed over. The first night, I felt very special. He said in the midst of it that he loved me but I didn't pay attention since we were very new.
Anyway, I called him later, very nice, no attitude, left a VM. He was already in flight. He texted the next day and said he'd try and call that night. I never heard another word. Yes, he has a business, big family, responsibilities, did travel a lot .. but that didn't stop him before.
Ten days later I sent a very cute text, as if in the third person. He texted me very early the next morning. he was travelling all day & tired & will call later. Never called. Don't recall hearing anything again till maybe a week later. Texted me Merry Xmas (called me the pet name he started giving me). Then it was HNY. I responded to each with same reply. Nothing more.
Then a little later he texted he's coming down, can he see me. A few texts b/coz I was sick and asleep early. The next day I texted back that I had plans. But we talked. He only had short notice himself and apologized. I was then going to try and see him but then declined. He texted that night to say good night.
He said he's coming back in two weeks, so we planned to see each other but I heard nothing the entire time! That Fri. (when he was to be coming down)... I texted him. Referring to a sweet older message he left that I never erased but no message regarding this week-end. (I admit it was passive/aggressive). His reply was he's "free tomorrow" if I want.
I texted him back, sorry, we went down hill, enjoy your stay. I decided I DID NOT want to wait around anymore to see if he was going to call. I'd rather know it's over and not wonder. I didn't hear back...
Would I see him again if he tried, yes... if he did it the right way. The thing is, I do feel better that I cut it off instead of wondering and waiting and feeling like he's in control of my emotions. I could have kept declining to see him with his short notices till he got the hint and maybe I "reacted" - maybe the time I left I over - reacted but I did what I did and I don't regret it. I believe if it's meant to be, it will be, no matter how we slice it and dice it. I will say however, we can mess up a good thing and this seemed very potentially good. Was I too sensitive that night, could I have handled it differently?
I had shared something very private and intimate that night and that may be why I was as upset as I was - being told "we can hang out downstairs for a little while but basically, I have to leave after that". I knew he was tired, so he said.
I won't start doubting and questioning and partly because your emails and info have helped me a lot in that regard. I've been really trying to understand men and the dynamics and your emails have given me some great insight. So thank you!
We could always have handled a situation differently, Sunshine; it's called being human, being real, being imperfectly you. And you wouldn't want to be any other way. HE - someone worth being with - wouldn't want you any other way. But that's the beauty of being with someone who's on the same page as you, who's truly right for you. With someone like this, you can always go back, you can always change your mind, you can always apologize and say or do something different. You can always do what you need to do for you. And so can - and will - he. So glad to hear these emails are helping you!
You were chasing him. Let a man know you like him, but let him do all the work in the beginning. Leaning back lets a man take up the reigns and chase you if hes interested in you.
I guess perhapse it is even a wider question about how assertive a woman should be in making her moves and the answer is it all depends how much evidence she has that the man actually wants her. If he has done nothing or very little from his side to show that he wants her attention, then she should probably keep it cool. But if he gave her significant evidence to believe that he is into her, then go right ahead, don't be shy. After all noone is right to make waiste your time, make you believe he is into you only to brush you off the next moment because he suddenly has his doubts or other options. This is just not the way it is supposed to work and you would be in the right to tell him. If things really have changed on his side you have the right to know.
I recall for example one of my school parties. I walked into the ball room and there he was, that older boy, who was constantly calling me and raking me on dates. He also was coming to my class sometimes to flirt with him. So he was there with a bunck if other girls and guys from his class, but I did not give a damn. I walked streight to him started talking and even pooled him out dancing. Suddenly I realised he was sort of cold with me, not like usual. I totally could not understand why and kept asking what was going on and insisting that he dances with me, while he was giving me all sorts of ridiculous explanations. Amyways after the party he was business as usual. Kept calling me, jept taking me on dates. Only now I kind of understand that perhapse he did not want to be too much with me because he had other girls at school he was flirting with. But they were jyst standing neatly by the walls waiting for him to make the moves, while I just walked in and claimed him. So after the party perhapse those girls kept waiting on him, while I had him with me. Sometimes men do mot quite know what they want, so if he gave you good reasons to think that he wants you, sometimes you have to tell him that to push away all those doubts.
Great food for thought, Nina. Thank you for adding so much to this conversation!
Hi Jane,
Somehow I just remembered the movie, called "Forces of Nature" I once saw. In that movie a man decides to marry his girlfriend, but just before the wedding he has a wild fling with a very free-spirited woman and almost falls for her, making him reconsider his decision to marry. So both of them, him and that woman arrive at his own wedding with the intention that he would talk to his bride and explain that he totally changed his mind. The bride sees him, runs to him, kisses him and asks:"So where have you been? The wedding is about to start! Come on!!!" The guy freezes in indecision. He tryies to say something like:"Wait! I actually wanted to talk to you and explain to you something" To which the bride replies: " Ah, now isn't time, my dear...don't you see people are waiting for us? So, anyway, what is it you were going to say?" The man just starts crying and says: " I just wanted to appologise that it took me so long to get here!" And they proceed to the wedding, while his new girl says "Good-bye" and leaves. He does not even hear her voice in the crowd as he kisses his bride.
So what I have realised froM that scene is that sometimes it takes that kind of confidence to keep your man.Yes, men will always be trouble makers, they will always get tempted by other women and have their doubts. But if this man gave you sufficient reason to believe that he wants to be yours, sometimes all it takes is to just step ahead and tell him: "Forget your doubts and all that nonsense! We belong together." And stick to that point. In many cases the guy would accept your position. And even if he would not agree and rebels against you instead, well, at least you would have your answer. There is a big value in knowing exactly what is going on on his side. It is far better to know for a fact where you stand then always wondering: " Loves me? Loves me not? Or is he with me? Or is he with her?" And even though you might think with all the clues you should have the answer it still helps to hear it from the man himself, because those behavioral clues can be confusing and you may be no good decoding them.
So when it comes to calling, I certainly would not waiste my time callung a man I just recently met. If he is not calling he's provably unavai lable ir did not like you that much. But if it comes to somebody I had relationship of some depth abd committment with, I probably would not just let gim go with no closure or explanation. Although I generally would expect him to call first, and I would not call him every hour on the hour, but if he did not reach out to me in a few days I owe him and myself to call or at least a text to find out what happened.
Thanks for adding your thoughts here, Nina. This is why it's always about you - and what you can handle - and not about what anyone else tells you to do!
Well this seems like fate I was meant to read this and reply.
I'm going through a situation now with a guy who I really like, I ended up sleeping with him on our first date. In the morning he asked me to let him know when I was up and he'd be in contact all day. So I did. I text him and let him know. This was Sunday. It's now Tuesday and I still haven't heard anything. He has said he wants to see me again but not hearing anything from him, makes me feel confused, worried and pretty gutted because before I met him, he said things to me like ' I'm starting to think you could be my soul mate', ' I'm talking to you because you're different. The things you say, the way you are' and I feel and still feel exactly the same about him.
As you've guessed it, I'm now tearing my hair out into whether I should just tell him how I'm feeling or wait and see if he contacts me.
So I just don't know what to do??
That's my feeling on contact.
Please any advice right now would be appreciated.
Sarah.
I've learned the hard way to be very wary of men who say things very early on like "I'm starting to think you could be my soul mate", and especially before you've even met. If you slept with him, that speaks volumes about how you feel about him, so I wouldn't tell him anything more about your feelings. He asked you to text him and let him know when you were up. You did. He didn't respond. You haven't heard anything in two days. So now, my post. Never by accident. This is exactly where you are. What can you handle? If you're the one doing all the initiating now, doesn't that tell you something right now? Trust yourself. Take a step back and a deep breath. You always know.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate itWell I got in contact. Sent him a message last night saying I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me where I stand?? Whether it was a one night stand or you do genuinely want to see me again. I also asked him if to please let me know if I should delete his number?
I haven't heard anything back as of yet but I'm not sending him anything else.
I just hope he will let me know either way soon.
Thanks again Jane,
Sarah .
You're so welcome, Sarah. Either way, you'll know soon.
Hi Jane I'm in that situation right now of No contact,but I find him calling. And he said did you call me,then I said Nope maybe my phone was unlocked so it dialed itself,then on Monday he commented on my prof pic and say you look fab,in his mind he took my silence as a break up,which also thought maybe its what he wants,so we are still on silence but I'm not sure if he still wants me back,Coz. 2 weeks ago he sent me a text afte he asked me if I'm breaking up with him,on this text he said I wish you all the best for the future withh a kiss emoticon, what I want. To know is he still in love with me?and why he's not coming to my place to find out if there's still a chance for us?
Good question, Ruth - "and why he's not coming to my place to find out if there's still a chance for us?" Sounds like this place of ambiguity works for him. But does it work for you?
This is right on the money... Whether your in an uncertain period in your relationship or if the relationship has ended.
I was having trouble moving on, because my ex still wanted me in his life as friends. He started dating someone two weeks after we broke up and they are moving fast. Its been a month now and I am still in love with him. For now, we can't be friends because I need to move on and focus on me...even though I truly want him to be happy its too painful seeing someone else in my place. Somehow, something clicked and I choose whether or not I am happy, whether or not its worth the suspense to call or not call, and whether or not to move on or hold on.
Exactly, Kebtiger. It's not about anyone else - it's about you! "Somehow, something clicked and I choose whether or not I am happy, whether or not its worth the suspense to call or not call, and whether or not to move on or hold on."
I love this , the best advice I have heard on the Internet.
Thank u I so needed this this morning going thru this with 2 guys....But I hear the voice in my head telling me to go on sometimes I listen sometimes I give in....But they also do call & text me both are exes I have been messing with both....But actually I don't need too cause they have gf's and I do have a bf....I play the game with them also I'm a Scorpio and I know whats right & wrong & who there for me & who's not....One of my exes paid off my daughter high school fees so she can graduate so I'm not stupid in like with both of them yes....But both do things for me and one calls & text everyday we might only miss two days out the month without talking but we always do....Its not complicated but we make it they way for our own selfish reason trying to hold on to each other keep someone in our corner just in case....
It's all about what you can handle, Grovecia, because we all have our own reasons for living like we do. Being able to live with our choices, that's what matters. So glad this reached you right in the midst of what you're going through!
Jane BRAVO!!! Another GREAT article!! I am doing things that I want to do and taking good care of myself. Learning new things about me and doing things that make ME happy. I am being a little selfish with me right now!! Which has boost my self-esteem and confidence is off the chain!!
I am loving me some me!!!
That's the only place to be, RealDavis! Not selfish, not whatever else someone wants to call it; it's how everything else falls into place the way you deserve it to be! So glad this resonated with you. Thank you. 🙂
Greetings To All You Fabulous Folks
Feb is my bday month. I am a single mom of 2. My kids are amazing. They are truly the best gifts ever!!!!
As far as waiting for him to text or call. Been there b4. Not having it anymore. Besides, Im 2 busy 2. Not fond of being E-Maintainined by a man. It is lazy communication. I need face 2 face action. I need to be in the moment of real live energy.
Love the life you live so you can live the life you love.
Happy February birthday, Sharri. What you do as a single mom is nothing short of amazing!! I have no doubt that your children are, too, that they are truly the best gifts ever and that you are the best gift ever to them. Empower them by empowering you. That's what they will see and learn from you. Be so proud of yourself for all that you do and all that you've become. "Not fond of being e-maintained by a man" - love that line. It's not a place any of us belong! "I need to be in the moment of real live energy" - and that's exactly where our lives are meant to be lived. In the living!
Thank you; Jane, Years ago I would sit by that phone and jump on it,,, lol. I have a life,,, tell what time ok,, other wise talk soon. Life is so short, ,,I'm living it,; learning new things about Me,,, lol Fill your heart with love compassion,send it out in the universe, ,; You will never wait for a phone call again
That's right Sistar, Accepting your strength from the universe.
Rise above Mars so you can be a shining star!!! 1Love
Beautiful, Sharri!!
Beautifully said, Cindy. Love this. And "You will never wait for a phone call again" - so true!
P.S.
I understand the "Getting the You that leads to Two" now 🙂
I know, it's my message but it's not so obvious until you get there, is it?!! 🙂
I can relate to this very much. It's actually how all my confusion started, which to this day, I have no idea how it turned into the relationship of 2 yrs that im now in. My now bf was the one to make the first move, I was in a relationship that was deteriorating fast but was tryn to be good & only exchanged a few txtd here and there. At the time, my now bf, begged to hang out till i finally agreed. Yes, it was wrong of me cuz I had a bf but I knew if I hung out with him, I would like it too much. Sure enough, after we did, it was him i wanted. I knew I had to break up w/ my bf. But this is when the confusion started. Usually if U connect w/someone, as in my experience, U see eachother & txt/call all the time. I wasn't prepared for what happened. After our perfect nite together, it was 7 days until i heard from him. Lame excuse, he said he lost his phone. I was dumbfounded & had never had this happen. another month went by till I saw him for the 2nd time! A few txts with in that month, mostly all me initiating txts w/ no replies 90% of the time. I even knew that I shouldnt b the only one txtn. Saw him once a month for 4 months. I was devastaded as it was obvious he wasn't that into me. I finally stopped texting him to see if he would get ahold of me and somehow I don't know how it happened but we're officially together. From the beginning & even now, he's bad bout txtn back, has ignored me for 5 days in a row, claims to lose his phone and says he's not glued to it like I am and that it's not as important to him. he takes forever to text me back & I tell him how it makes me feel but he has his excuses. I'm not stupid and I've told him it's obvious he's not that into me. He just says im crazy. Bottom line, if you want to talk to somebody you will make it happen no matter how busy you are. And I totally believe that but with him I knew from the start that something wasn't right yet here I am continuing on. Nothings gotten better & all the signs are there. He's not on the same page as me even though he says he is. It's been nothing but confusion & turmoil yet I hang on when I knw this isn't how it's supposed to be. Even though he says my thoughts aren't true, im never convinced that he actually loves me. It's a terrible uneasy feeling that I go thru everyday. I pray that I will walk away, but when will that day come?
When you're ready to be done with this, Danielle. When you've had enough. When you realize you're the one who's continuing this, who keeps things the way they are. If you want something to be different to change, then you'll do something about it. Until then, there's a reason you keep coming back for more and staying with the way things are. He's not going to change - and as you're seeing, nothing else is going to change - until you do something different. See? That's just how powerful you are!
I hate waiting on calls and text also.....the tense and suspension. ...
I couldn't agree more, Delilar! So you know what you hate, Delilar; now what do you love?
Well Jane, you've done it again. Your last two blogs enlightened me to do some cleaning up of my life.
I was stuck in a place and I didn't realize it.
I needed some space from some people in my life to make some necessary changes.
Since putting things (what's truly most important to me in my life) into perspective I have gained some clarity and am more ready to move on (as well as close off) in certain relationships in my life.
I had to take care of me first. I was in a very confusing time with too much going on.
I can identify with the last couple so much so that it seems your are right here coaching me along.
your blogs help me with all of lifes relationships not just the ones that may or may not lead to my happily ever after.
I love my story more every day. I look forward to turning the page.
I am not afraid anymore.
Thank you so much!
I'm so glad you're experiencing this all for yourself, Jennifer. Love hearing your updates! This is what happens when you take the old story of what happened to you and take that new step to that place of being open to seeing something different than what you would have seen before, when you throw open the doors on what is possible and what is just waiting around the corner from you. You know, on some level, I'm right there with you. 🙂
Thank you soooo much. Your article is so important for me as to its timing. Yes this is what I want to hear from you Jane, I am very disappointment in my life this year 2015. I was dated the guy who was promise to marry me, he is 38 years old this year and I'm 30 this year he was seriously with me introduce me at his family and friends and he is a busy man and hard working person. Yesterday I heard a rumors people talking this guy have new girlfriend who want to marry her, and I calling him ask him the same this then he say he don't want talk his personal life with anybody he don't want and he switch off his phone immediately.... I was cried with nonstop then I decide to silence because I was so sad and pain. I am just silence but my thought is to sent him a message but my spirit say don't today in the morning he try to call me but I don't want to pick up my phone because I took the decision to follow my heart and soul. Thanks Jane for your articles... send me more
You're so welcome, Peneyambekos; I'm so glad the timing of this article worked for you! You'll never regret making the decision to follow your heart and soul. You deserve so much more than this.
Julia - I had the same situation, poetic statements and all :'( - almost killed me after many years together but it comes down to exactly what Jane said, "If he's ready for something more than the silence, you will absolutely be the first to know." I believe that when a man wants you badly, not just physically, there isn't a thing that will stop him from making you his.
Exactly Julia!!!
Exactly!!
spot on perfect advice!
So glad, Fairycake! Thank you.
Hi Jane
This information in the article was so totally awesome and I could directly relate since I was in this situation about a week ago and I felt insulted by my friends opinions in relation to whether or not I should contact him. In the end I did what I felt I needed to do for myself, because I had questions that needed answering in order for me to move forward and no amount of advice from friends would have helped here. I totally agree that it is about what is important to you to know in order to move forward with your life.
Thanks for to continue posting such helpful advice.
Denise
Thank you, Denise. I'm so glad this resonated with you! "In the end I did what I felt I needed to do for myself, because I had questions that needed answering in order for me to move forward and no amount of advice from friends would have helped here." - Exactly!
This is where I am now...he was talking about moving forward, living together and all of a sudden he just stopped calling and texting. No communication what-so-ever and I was absolutely devastated. This just happened this week and I'm at the stage now that I need answers...I need closure so I can move on...even if he would ask me back I'm not going there, he has proven that he's not the right guy for me. Friends have given me advice to walk away, he's not worth it and if he really cared he would have reached out...all true and all in all probably the best advice. However, in my heart and mind...I need to hear it from him why. It may not happen but I will give him one last chance to explain himself and whether I get it or not we'll see but in the end...I am going to move forward without him...I just need to get his foot out of my door.
And I know, Irma, it's that last foot that's the hardest to get out your beautiful door!
Yoh its true and exactly where I am now
You're never alone, Sarija. I'm so glad this resonated with you.
Dear Jane, Thank you soooo much. Your article is so important for me as to its timing and it says it all. What I needed to know is the following : Does all these "rules" about calling or not calling him also apply when he stopped calling following a kind of misunderstanding between us? Let me explain : he said something which showed that he is not ready to commit, but he said it in a very poetic and vague style. I immediately stopped calling and texting him right after this and even blocked him on FB. He was obviously surprised and started to send me indirect messages (sending friendly but cold e-mails asking 'if I am ok" without asking direct questions, changing his facebook status, asking common friends about me). All these indirect messages showed me that he didn't really understand why I stopped all contacts with him since then. As if he considered that I over reacted to what he said and that my reaction was too brutal. And now, the silence between us has been lasting for months. Why do I still feel that I have to do something about it ? Do the wonderful rules that you are mentioning in your article "How calling and texting him......" apply here, in the same way ? Please help. Julia
You're so welcome, Julia. I'm so glad you're here. What I'm talking about here - how this affects you and letting that be your guide to what you ultimately decide to do - is about every kind of communication you contemplate having with him. There's obviously a reason you say "why do I still feel that I have to do something about it?" There's a reason it's still on your mind. My guess is you're blaming yourself for something you did or didn't do, regretting some action you took or didn't take with him, or how you handled this situation.
"Months" is a long, long time to carry that kind of weight around with you. What do you need to do to let it go? Do you need to reach out to him, or can you settle this within yourself? Sometimes the blame and shame we put on ourselves with this idea that we somehow "should" have known better keeps us holding onto something that was never ours to take on. Listen to your gut instincts. Do what brings you a sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You may have your answer from him, but it's never too late to do what you need to do for you.
Thank you Jane. But in fact, I think that the feeling that "I have to do something about it" is exactly this "over-thinking" that you are mentioning. After all, he is the one who broke up and he is supposed to understand my reaction. Why is he still trying to make me feel that my reaction was too awkward and too brutal? He is the one who stopped the relationship in a sudden way. My reaction (of blocking him and remain silent) is the normal dignity that every woman is supposed to have, when being rejected. After a second thought, I have decided that I will not be happy with any outcome of a contact if it is me who initiates it. I need to feel that the decision of establishing a new communication comes from his own initiative. For the same reasons that you are explaining in your article above. He is the one who is supposed to chase me and to fix this misunderstanding if he really cares . And if he doesn't care, why would I chase him ?
Exactly, Julia! You've answered your own question yourself. "He is the one who is supposed to chase me and to fix this misunderstanding if he really cares. And if he doesn't care, why would I chase him?" Why, exactly!!
This is the very thing we struggle with more than anything else. We want it to come from him, and we feel it should come from him, but when it doesn't, we're left with this disconnect because we can't make it come from him and we can't make him do what we want him to do.
That part isn't up to us. But what is up to us, is what we do with this reality.
We can accept it, recognize that he's not on the same page as us or confused, or looking for something else, and not take it personally. This is where we say "Next!" and gracefully move on with our self-esteem and confidence intact because we know it's not about us not being enough or too much or anything else we might tell ourselves.
Or we can take it personally and allow someone else to take away our power, feeling the sting of rejection because we tell ourselves he's rejected me, when really, what he's done is set you both free. So hard to see when we're in it - I do get that, more than you know! - but when you look back and see it for what it was, it's in a different light where it all becomes so clear.
And you becomes so thankful he set you free. Even though it never, ever feels that way at the time.
Julia,
Jane is absolutely spot on, and this is a difficult concept for all of us to learn, both men and women, regardless of who is being put in the position of having making the decision of whether or not we want to continue being with somebody or not because of the other person's actions not aligning with what we want out of a relationship.
Always remember, its our choice. And when the other person is silent, then they've made their decision and let us know. They are simply not on the same page as you or I on where they want the relationship to go.
As for choosing to communicate with them or not, you want to understand, are you doing it because you want the other person to know how you feel about the relationship (even if we know deep down that nothing will change on a lasting level, especially if it's a repeated pattern) or are we doing it for our self, to help ourselves feel better, knowing full well that no change will occur in the other person. Simply put, there is no real "rule" but instead to simply move on with your own life. Live it on your terms and with somebody who will show you through their actions what they feel in their heart for you. And when you have that you will know that you're both on the same page.
Eric
Thank you, Eric.
This is the best post I've read on the subject. Thank you, Jane for keeping up the great advice coming.
It's so true. People will always do what they want to do regardless of what we want them to do or what we think. It's so liberating to understand that it doesn't really matter. What matters is what makes us happy, what we genuinely enjoy giving and doing for ourselves and for others. Slowly, stumbling, going one step forward, two backwards but I'm learning.
A big fat hug... I love huggin! I realized that for the first time this year. Another piece of the puzzle when it comes to getting to know myself.
So glad this resonated so much with you, Angel. It's so true! And it is a puzzle, a beautiful puzzle with beauty in every single piece. It's you.