Archives for 2014

What Love Really Is

Love

What is it really about?

What are we spending so much of our time and energy trying to find? We say it’s love, we’re looking for love, but what exactly does that mean? And as one reader asked me in her quest to understand this subject, how do you know you’re in love? How do you define the feeling?

For so many of us, we thought it was simple. You meet someone you feel all those excited feelings with, you’re attracted to them, you feel an attraction from them that tells you they feel something to, and you begin dating, getting to know each other better, and eventually commit to each other in an exclusive relationship which leads to marriage – if that’s what you’re looking for.

Except, if you’re like most of us here, that’s not how it went down. In fact, that’s not at all how it happened.

Instead, you had feelings, he had feelings, it felt like you were falling in love. You got to know each other better in this cultural thing we do called dating, and then suddenly – or so it seemed to you – something changed and he became emotionally distant.

He pulled away, created more distance and left you with a broken heart feeling like you still love him and the feelings are still there. For you, but not for him.

So what is it?

What is it about this picture of love that gets played over and over again regardless of who we are, regardless of who he is, regardless of how strong our feelings may be?Continue Reading

How Can I Face the Void and Survive This Break Up?

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One of our wonderful readers, Liam, has just received the break up letter from his girlfriend of 2 years. He has written me asking how he's going to survive this break up.

Here's his email:

First, these articles are mostly written for young, single women.

I am a divorced man in my 50's, a great and successful guy, sensitive, intelligent, fit and attractive and thought I found my true love. She keeps abruptly breaking things off after two years when we get close, and stopped being romantic yet she calls me her best friend.

I feel stuck.

I have stepped back without contact but this situation also happened with my ex-wife of fourteen years. I'm afraid I am too good of guy sometimes or just keep picking the wrong person. I thought this person was different.

What do I do?Continue Reading

Everything But Love

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I often find inspiration for my articles and posts in unexpected ways from sources I don't always anticipate. Yes, I get tons and tons of inspiration from your comments, your letters, your facebook posts and messages and from the wonderful conversations within the community we've built here. But sometimes it comes right out of left field.

The inspiration for this post came the other day while I was on hold.

Instead of the usual "elevator" music, this time I found myself listening to a song I hadn't heard since my early single days (and it was considered an oldie even then).

"I want you (I want you...), I need you (I need you...), but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you; Now don't be sad (don't be sad...), cause two out of three ain't bad."

With a bit of a jolt, it all came rushing back to me.

I used to love this song!

I'd belt it out at the top of my lungs in the car (with the windows up), in the shower, or whenever it came on the radio and I happened to be in a place where I felt free to sing out loud.

But now with all I knew and everything I'd learned and all the cultural programming – including songs just like this – behind all the ideals I used to hold onto, I listened to the words in disbelief.

Wait - what?Continue Reading

How Do I Get Out of the Friend Zone?

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One of our beautiful readers, Elizabeth, is wondering how to get out of the friend zone with a guy who, by all standard definitions, seems to be interested in her, but is telling her that he's not attracted to her.

Here's her email:

I've read most of your emails and find them very inspiring. I have a unique situation of friend vs lover.

I've had a crush on a 29 year old male, I am 30.

We have traveled together to Japan and plan to do so in the future to Switzerland, Utah and possibly China.

He's what I call a shy nerd, had only one girlfriend in his whole life and only for 3 months. I never had one myself aside from online boyfriends and dates from online dating sites.

He's smart, goofy, sincere and handsome.

He and I clicked playing baseball and talking about nuclear fusion. We attend lectures together that inspires the future. We have spoke about advances of the world and books we love to read. Our parents get along, and we feel comfortable together. He would drive an hour just to see me almost every weekend and if I don't talk to him for more than a week he'd be 'concern' and call and text til I reach him.

I expressed my feelings for him and he declined it, more than once. Sating he was unattracted to me.

Usual response?

Ignore him and continue life. But he won't let me!

He'd text and insist why am I ignoring him? If I am upset with him, or if I state "I am busy" he'd prod as to "what have you been doing?"Continue Reading

Something to be Grateful For

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A beautiful blond woman is sitting with her back to her boyfriend as they break up. — When you look back on it, you'll see it differently.

You know all those songs about being grateful that you didn't get what you wanted (think: Beyonce, The Best Thing I Never Had)?

Well, there's a reason.

Because when this is all over, this "going through" process that you're trying so hard not to fight right now, you'll be writing your own version of this song.

This isn't just about a relationship, it's about your life.

It's about being able to trust what you didn't believe you could. It’s about seeing things for yourself in the only way we ever really learn those real lessons in life. By going through them firsthand.

Those are the lessons that we never forget.

I understand all too well just how hard it can be to believe that, and how tired we can be of hearing our well-meaning friends and family offer the empty promises with words like “it’s going to get better soon”.Continue Reading

Does It Matter Who Does the Calling?

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Our dear friend, who calls herself "Agonizing in Ohio", is asking the questions just about all of us have asked ourselves at one time or another (some of us many, many times): Why hasn't he called, and should I call him?

Here's her story:

Hello,

I'm 53, have been married once, and single for 21 yrs. I'm a entrepreneur for the last 25 yrs, I am most attracted to entrepreneurs.

I know what I want, and would like to find love, and someone to spend my days and nights with, but more than that, someone to build a future with.

On Sept 1, I started talking to a man, he's a entrepreneur, handsome, my age, our kids are grown, he's been divorced for three yrs, and when we met he said he was tired of being the third wheel. We live 90 miles from each other, but that doesn't really matter - I'm in his area all the time with my work.

We talked or texted or emailed almost everyday for the last two months. We've had two dates that were amazing - at dinner we would look into each others eyes, and giggle like two kids in love. He seemed very sincere, polite, always called when he said he would.

He told me he loved my laugh, and after the date, I was the best part of his weekend - even said maybe next spring I could go to France with him. We were building on our conversation, on how we were alike, and how he understood me.

He was in France for a week and emailed and sent pictures everyday, said he couldn't wait to see me when he got back....Continue Reading

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What Love Really Is

Love

So what is it?

How Can I Face the Void and Survive This Break Up?

Here's his email:

Everything But Love

How Do I Get Out of the Friend Zone?

Here's her email:

Something to be Grateful For

Does It Matter Who Does the Calling?

Here's her story:

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