Archives for 2014

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.

We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.

Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?

Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?

And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.

What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.

What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.

What about this is loving?

I ask you.

What about this is love? Nothing.

Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.

And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.

It’s time to free yourself.

With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.

He wants to be free to be who he is.

And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.

This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.

But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.

You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.

When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.

He’s not there.

When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.

When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.

This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.

No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.

Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!

Did I Scare Him Away?

25 Comments

Here's an email from one of our beautiful readers who is afraid that she may have made a mistake by holding him off for too long.

Here's her story:

Jane -

I love reading all of your articles and have been incorporating them into my most recent situations, including one in particular.

I started dating someone about three or four months ago, and at the time, was really busy and focusing on myself while getting over someone else, which obviously made him like me more.

He would ask me out on dates and I had to cancel a couple of times. I only went out on one or two dates with him up until about a month ago when we started seeing each other more. He initiated this with his kind words, asking me to hang out with him before I completely slipped from his mind.

He even met some of my friends and gave us free tickets to a sporting event and sat with us. He had pursued me for so long, and still kept persistent even after I had put him off.

I realized that I should not have put him off for so long, but it seemed all was going well and I could tell from his behavior and even the way he looked at me, that he really liked me. My girl friends even discussed how into me he seemed.Continue Reading

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

16 Comments

You’re learning by now that being anything but your true self isn't going to help you find the guy or the love that you’re looking for.

You’re figuring out that whoever you really are is enough for someone who’s truly right for you, even if you still have some work to do on this one.

You get the idea.

You’re learning how to accept the reality of what is instead of the fairytale that you so want it to be.

You’re recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around. That it’s your choice, your decision, and that short-term heartbreak is always better than investing more time, more energy, more of your beautiful self in someone who isn't there and, more importantly, doesn't want to be.

And as difficult as these concepts have been for you to get to, you’re getting there. It’s not just me now saying these things to you, you’re starting to see these truths in your own life and put them into your own words.

But there’s something else you’re doing that isn't doing anything to help your confidence or self-esteem, and you’re not alone in failing to see how this keeps hurting you in more ways than you realize time and time again.

It’s this awful habit so many of us have of comparing yourself to others.

It’s this looking at who’s single and who’s not.

It’s this looking at what they've got that you think you don’t. It’s this competitive type thinking that leaves you feeling so much worse - not better - about yourself and who you are.

Because the reality is this isn't a competition.

This isn't about vying for a place in some love contest where there’s only a select group of winners. This isn't about trying to be more than someone else is or trying to figure out what they have that you don’t and why this makes you wrong.

They have their own story (and it’s probably not the story you think it is).

But it’s not about them.

It’s about you.

This is about finding your own path, finding out who you are and what you need to be happy. This is about learning to love yourself for who you are. Sure, we all want to be our best selves and make whatever changes we want to make to be the best people we can be.

But it’s not about changing the essence of who you are in the process.

It’s about acceptance, love and compassion. For who you are and how far you've come! For all that you have, for all that you are, for all that you have to offer and all that no one else in the world has quite like you do.

For all that makes you uniquely you.

Our culture may have us all believing it’s all about looks; how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how physically perfect you are by a standard that isn't even real, as we’re finding out all the time.

But real love isn't about that. If it were, only the attractive people would find love and everyone else would be alone. In fact, I've discovered it to be quite the opposite. The majority of people who have the easiest time finding love and getting married are some of the most “average” people I know by our culture’s standards.

But to the ones they’re with, they’re anything but “average”.

And it’s also no coincidence that many of the women who have the hardest time finding someone are some of the most beautiful women by that same cultural standard.

Find the beauty in you.

Inside and out.

Make a list of all those beautiful qualities you possess. Use affirmations to help you remember these and post that list somewhere that you can easily see it on a daily basis.

Write out everything you have to offer someone who shows himself to be worthy of you.

You won’t need to convince him of your worth. You won’t need to sell him on you. If he’s the one for you, he’ll see it for himself . And if he doesn't, let that be your sign. He’s not the one.

That’s always how you know.

Have you found yourself falling into the trap of comparing yourself to other women - either women you know, or in the media? Tell us about it in the comments!

Is He Just Playing Games?

15 Comments

Our wonderful reader Meghan is wondering what she should do with the guy she's dating who seems to have commitment issues and might be playing games with her.

Her email:

I met him just after he broke up with his old gf. I played it cool because I didn't want it to turn into rebound sex.

Things worked out nicely and I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months now and it was always been super relaxed and we can always have a good time, and have lots of chemistry in bed.

But it almost seems as soon things get serious he gets scared and stops treating me like his gf and will intentionally do things that make me jealous.

He says he likes me a lot and when we are alone he's super loving. I'm trying to give him space to think about us but I fear he is using this time to hook up with other girls. It hurts and I want to say something but I'm not wanting to scare him off by talking too much about our relationship because of his commitment issues.

I am confused if he is just playing games with me because he knows he can.

What should my next move be?

My Response:

Don't allow him to play games with you, Meghan.

When you remember that you're the prize, that you don't need him; when you remember you're the one doing the choosing here and you change your mindset to that place of confidence in who you are and what you have to offer him, you shift the relationship.

You change the way he sees you by changing the way you see yourself.

Remember your life, you've got one, too.

Yes, you have every right to talk to him, but are you talking to him out of your own insecurities or because you really have something to say?

Fill your time, fill your life, as I wrote in one of my previous posts, be hard to get, don't play hard to get.

Show him that you have a life, too, but not because you're showing it to him, but because you do have a life. And if you don't have one, get one.

Make one for yourself.

Life is meant to be lived in every sense of the word, with so many places to fill your life with love so that he doesn't become your everything. He's not! He's only another human being with his own faults and shortcomings.

But above all, know what you can live with and what you can't. Know what he's worth to you. You said he has commitment issues, well, is that what you want? A relationship with someone who has commitment issues?

Or do you want someone who's on your page, who wants the same thing you want with you, who doesn't make you jealous or pull away when you get to close or play other games with you?

It's always your decision, Meghan. But it has to come from you. You're not going to change him; he's going to be who he is. You be who you are. That beautiful, confident, sexy woman known as you!

Hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any additional thoughts, words of encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Meghan? Tell us in the comments!

How Your Hidden Beliefs Are Ruining Your Love Life

22 Comments

What do you think of when you think about true love?

Do you think it absolutely happens to everyone, or do you think it's very rare, and only happens to others - you know, the ones who are lucky, beautiful, talented, or have something else that you don't seem to have?

You’re not alone – I used to feel that way, too.

I would look around at all of my happily married friends, (or worse, the ones who were soon to be married as I went to look at wedding dresses with them and be fitted for my own bridesmaid dress), and wonder what they had that I didn't because I was convinced there had to be something in them that wasn't in me.

I know exactly how you feel.

You feel like they have something that you're missing. That there's some secret you don't know about, or aren't capable of. That they have something you don't.

They always seem to have something we don't have – we even tend to use the phrase "you're so lucky" when referring to the guy they found.

And it only seems to get worse the older you get.

You can just feel yourself staring at that hypothetical, but still very real biological clock ticking away, as you do the math in your head: If I meet him right now, and we date for a year, then get engaged and married a year later, I'll be (insert any horribly old-sounding age here).

It's enough to drive even the most stable, intelligent woman to extreme anxiety levels, leading to that downward spiral where we can find ourselves doing all the desperate things we promised ourselves we’d never do.

But there’s something you need to know about this because it doesn't have to be this way for any of us, and especially not for you.

You see, that very thinking is a big part of what's keeping you from having the kind of love that you want in your life.

That kind of thinking leads to fear – the fear that you'll never find the right guy. Fear leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to desperation.

It's a downward spiral that you have to get yourself out of as quickly as you can.

But I also know that it's not as easy as it sounds.

In order to get out of this downward spiral that you're caught up in, you first need to know exactly what your true thoughts are about love, and why you have those thoughts.

We might think "Yes, I know that love is everywhere", but deep down inside we don't really believe it. This is due to your life programming, whether it came from your parents, teachers, or other role models in your life, or you friends and peers. In fact, you're still being programmed, even at this stage in your life - not the least of which is by the media, movies, television shows and magazines.

But armed with this knowledge, just be being open to seeing this programming for what it is, you also have the power to change it. It doesn't have to be this way because this isn't what love is at all.

Here's the truth:

Love isn't particular. Love isn't selective. Love doesn't just gravitate towards the people that are perfect. In fact, some of the most imperfect people were the ones who were getting married all around me!

Love is everywhere. Love is for everyone, including you.

But it’s not necessarily the kind of love that you've been programmed to believe in.

It’s not the kind found in fairy tales - that's the kind that doesn't exist in real life.
It’s not the kind that’s led you to believe you have to prove your worth to get it - the kind that you have to work for.
It’s not the kind that you have to try to find by being something other than your true self with someone who isn't capable of the kind of love you’re looking for.
It’s not the kind that has you accepting whatever crumbs someone is willing to throw at you in the name of love.
It’s not the kind that conquers love if there isn't love there in the first place.
And no, it’s never the dramatic roller-coaster kind.

It is the kind that happens between two people who are on the same page who want the same level of commitment with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

It’s real. It’s authentic, and it happens between two real people who understand all this and refuse to settle for anything less.

But you have to be open to seeing the difference between what love really is and who it’s for and what your very powerful belief system - the one you've been creating you're entire life - would have you believing.

You have to be willing to see the difference – and take a chance on experiencing that difference for what it is. Real. Authentic. True.

And that is exactly what you do deserve. All of us do.

Because when you change your outlook on love to one of abundance instead of scarcity, to one that’s available to every single one of us, you will open yourself to accept the love that is flowing all around you.

All you have to do is be open enough to allow it in.

See it, notice it, accept it.

And know that it's there for you, too.

What beliefs about love are you holding onto that might be keeping you from having the kind of love you want? Tell us about it in the comments!

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

18 Comments

Here's a letter from one of our lovely readers who's in love with a guy who seems to be suffering from commitment-phobia. Read her story, along with my response:

Hi Jane,

I stumbled across your site in search of answers for a non-committal guy. I couldn't find a situation close enough to mine so here it goes...

I fell in love with this guy. It took him 2 years to get a hold of me. We lasted for 3 months before he told me some unsettling news..."We wouldn't work out in the future."

Now it took me a couple of weeks to unravel the meaning behind this. He told me he couldn't commit and probably wouldn't commit. He had given me a promise ring a month into the relationship so him calling things off was surprising.

I saw it coming a few weeks before because he became distant. I did what I thought was right, gave him space, acted like nothing was wrong until the day of our breakup I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I knew something was up and that's when he told me the news.

Nothing was wrong in our relationship really. We never fought. We had great chemistry. I loved his family. The only problem was commitment.

Now he's not the average guy on the block. He's smart and respects me, my body, my thoughts. He was a bit of a player before I met him and that's why it took me so long to get into the relationship.

He still likes me and messes with me but won't commit. I believe it's linked to his father, who is a good man, because his father never married and "plays" around. His father is also a noncommittal guy. I saw potential and the day of our breakup he told me his intentions were not to break up with me that day but he didn't want me to be strung along when he realized we couldn't have a future.

I love him very much and are still friends. He acts like we're still together at times even. I want to have a future with him but I just don't know what to do. I can't change him. I can't make him commit.

I will move on but...I'd like to try again in the future. What should I do with him right now? We text a little, he acts distant and I know he is texting his other ex's because he did during the relationship. And another thing...I was his first SERIOUS relationship. Things got deep and he told me he can't handle the emotions and work that goes into it.

I'd still like to be with him since there was so much love left to hang in the wind. Please tell me your thoughts and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

- Destiny

My Response:

This is exactly how it goes more often than not, Destiny.

When you see the signs that you’re always right about, when you sense it, when you can feel it and you do what you know is best; you give him that space, you go on like nothing has changed, until the reality of what’s really going on with someone like this catches up with the potential that you've clung so tightly to.

It’s only when, as you say, you can’t take living like this anymore, not being true to yourself or to the truth of what you know in your heart, you finally speak up.

And that’s when you find out you can always trust your instincts, you always know when something more is going on. It wasn't news to either of you, but bringing it up freed you both to express yourselves, to tell the truth of what page you were both on and so now you know exactly what you’re dealing with and you can decide where you want to go from here with this, with him.

You are so right for recognizing that you can’t change him, you can’t make him commit.

Just coming to that on your own is huge, Destiny, as so many of us get stuck in that part and only come to this after we've done so much damage to ourselves. The reality, though, is that while you’d like to try again in the future, he has to want to, too.

And so when he tells you that he “can’t handle the emotions and work that goes into it”, when he says “we wouldn't work out in the future”, and when he breaks it down even further for you by explaining that he “couldn't commit” and “probably wouldn't commit”, you have to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is making such a point of making sure that you know exactly where he stands and what he isn't going to be doing with you.

Committing.

Whatever his reasons, whatever his father was or wasn't – and yes, our family histories and dynamics are such a contributing factor to so many issues around commitment. But as romantic an idea it is to rescue him from himself, to be that first serious love that conquers all, you’re not here to save or rescue anyone.

True love is about being with someone who’s on the same page as you, who wants what you want with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. This isn't someone who's repeatedly telling you with his words - and his actions - that the page he’s on isn't the one you’re on and clearly shows you this when he's texting both you and his other exes at the same time.

But you have to come to this for yourself.

You have to decide what you can live with and what you can’t when you decide what you want to do right now with him. And if you decide you want to wait, there’s only one thing to do. You live your own life.

You live and you live and you live some more. You go places you've never been, you do things you've always wanted to do, you create that beautiful life that just waiting for you to jump in with both feet. You discover your passions and you follow your dreams.

You find the things that stir your very soul.

You don't nag, you don't try to manipulate or control him, you don't play games. You stay true to yourself. You’re honest and you’re real. You don’t compromise on what you want and what you’re willing to settle for.

You keep your options open and adopt the mindset that YOU are the prize here - because that’s exactly what you are! And in this kind of living, you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy so that you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up.

When you live your life like this, you'll find out that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as you do, and if he's ready to take things to the next step, you'll have given him the best chance to do this on his own.

That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other thoughts, encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Destiny? Share them with us in the comments.

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The Real Reason He Won't Commit

What about this is loving?

It’s time to free yourself.

He’s not there.

Did I Scare Him Away?

Here's her story:

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

It’s about you.

Find the beauty in you.

Is He Just Playing Games?

Her email:

My Response:

How Your Hidden Beliefs Are Ruining Your Love Life

Here's the truth:

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

My Response:

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