One of our beautiful readers, Emily, is in a relationship with a man who is choosing his career over her.
Here's her story:
I am a fifty-three (year old) single woman, never been married with no children. I have not had a relationship with a man for ten years.
I haven’t been attracted to a man in that time; that part of my life didn't exist.
Over eight months ago I met a man through my work that attracted me deeply. He is an executive of a global company and is committed to his work. I have been passionate about my work so find that part of him attractive as well. I have been independent for so long myself.
We work in similar fields so have a lot in common.
Due to his work, he mainly communicates with me by text and there was a time, I may not hear from him for weeks. He was very direct in contacting me and in saying how he feels.
Having a man find me attractive is new to me. When we meet it is wonderful. I love talking to him and feel overcome by how he makes me feel. He is a kind and intelligent man. Over the past year, I have changed.
He has changed me. I now recognize I am a sexual attractive woman.
Over the past few months we have become closer. He is in contact more and says he loves me. I can feel that when I see him. We also live in different cities, which makes it harder. However, as he lives in a city where my family live I visit often. It is usually his work that hinders us in meeting. He travels overseas regularly and works nights.
Last week I visited him to catch up before he traveled overseas again.
I hadn't seen him in months, although he sends me regular texts, recently saying he loves me. I began to feel deeply for him and that I could love him too.
I had arranged to stay overnight to have dinner. He met me for breakfast, but then later text me that a crisis at his work meant he had to cancel dinner and see me at lunch. I was disappointed, as I had booked a hotel for myself to stay overnight in the city and took time off. I said this at lunch and let him know I was annoyed.
His reply was that this is what happens. He constantly lets people down due to his work and that he didn’t want to do that to me. His work will get busier not easier.
I am not good at these sorts of discussions and didn't really respond, just listened. I tend to shut down.
I wasn't sure whether he was ending it. I did say I was still attracted to him. He talked deeply about his work. This was the first time we had talked like this and although not easy I understood him better.
However, when he left to go back to work I wasn't sure whether that meant he had ended our relationship. It is a pity that one can’t be annoyed and not talk things through - That the response is all or nothing.
Although I recognized after, that this was probably a big issue for him in the past. I don’t feel I responded well myself. When he talked I shut down in myself in a way. I wanted to have been adamant about how I felt and we could work around his work.
Later I texted him my feelings but had no response. He is travelling once again and this may be why.
I know I need to focus on me and get on and live my life and if he wants to see me he will. But, right now I feel bereft and in limbo, not knowing where we stand.
His relationship is very important to me. He opened up a new world, one I had closed down for many years. He was open and kind. I haven’t met a man who made me feel safe, able to be honest with.
I feel that makes him a special person and I want to keep working at our relationship. I don’t know where it would have gone, but I feel we had more. I know intuitively that if he wants the same, he will contact me. Although, I want him to understand that I would work things through with him. I don’t know if he does understand this.
What do I do now? I hate not knowing.
- Emily
My Response:
Dear Emily,
I'm so glad you wrote to me. We're not meant to go through these ambiguous situations alone.
It's never easy to feel like someone just slipped through your fingers by a single conversation, leaving you without a reference point. You never intended for such a benign conversation to end up here, and you're at a loss to understand how something like expressing your feelings could have come to this.
And for good reason.
Until you take a closer look at what your relationship has been all about.
Distance. Space. Texting – the most disconnected, yet convenient, form of communication.
Has he ever come to see you?
You've described a man who for the past year has been showing you what he's comfortable with. He's been letting you know what he wants – what he needs – and up to this point it had been working well for both of you.
It's no coincidence that you're such an independent, passionate woman with your work being such a big part of your life and he's the same.
It's why this has worked so well.
You allow it to be by not actually being with him. Physically, emotionally. He's allowed to have his space.
You understand him. You have your own full life without him. And so he doesn't have to give you more than he's comfortable with. It's why he told you he loves you, and why he felt so comfortable saying this to you over text.
Until you did the one thing that he wasn't ready for.
You showed him your own emotional side of you. You showed him your feelings, that you can feel annoyed with him, that you can feel disappointed with him and the way his work always comes first.
That you are more than a woman on the other end of a cell phone; you're a real, living, breathing – and yes, that means feeling – human being, and you don't always say and do the most perfect thing.
But why wouldn't you respond like this or something similar, even if you had thought out more clearly what you wanted to say? You took time off from work, made hotel reservations so you could make plans for dinner with him. After months of not seeing him, and especially after hearing him tell you he loves you, of course you would assume he was looking as forward to this as much as you were.
Would you judge him for that? Would you end this relationship you had with him over that?
Of course you wouldn't.
And neither would he. Unless it was too much for him. Too close. Too real. Too messy. But if that is the case, let me ask you what you've really lost?
You do know what's true in your heart of hearts. Intuitively, as you say, that if he wants the same, he will contact you. He understands, he knows – you made sure of that when you texted him after about your feelings. And then he didn't respond.
What does that say?
You see, it's not "a pity that one can’t be annoyed and not talk things through - That the response is all or nothing."
It's a choice.
For both of you. You can either choose to end it like this, or you can choose to reach out like you did with your text because you felt there was too much left unsaid. And he can choose to respond or not. Whether he's traveling and this is typical is another thing. But again, that's for you to decide if you can live with that as your norm.
Because if someone is open to real communication about feelings, about emotional expressions, about the reality that we don't always say the things in the moment in the same way we would say them later with the gift of hindsight, there's always another chance.
Isn't that what you're giving him - another chance? Then why can't there be one for you? Especially from someone who's saying that he loves you.
Does this feel loving to you? You have that for him. Why not for you?
Take him down off that pedestal, Emily. Put yourself on an equal footing with him. It's where you belong. Equals. Embrace the beautiful, sexual, attractive woman you discovered for yourself. Run with that! There's no telling what a woman who discovers the truth about herself can do!
He didn't change you - you ARE a sexy, attractive woman! He didn't make you into that!
Find what you got from him in you.
Why him? Why was he the one you let your guard down? You're always the one doing the choosing. If it's him you really want, can you accept him the way he is? He's a man that's married to his work, and his career will always be a higher priority than you are. Can you live with that? That's the real question.
What do you need to do to give yourself a sense of peace and calm here? What will leave you with the least amount of regrets?
He's going to do what he's going to do. You need to do whatever it is that you need to do for you.
When you do what you need to do for yourself, the outcome will always be the right thing for you. It works every time.
Love,
Jane
What do you think Emily should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
I had so much support from this forum that I wanted to update you all with what happened. I let it go, didn't contact him and worked at moving on with my life. Not dating again, not yet, but thinking about it. It wasn’t easy. I still get upset from time to time. I still missed him every so often. Four months on and I was beginning to feeling OK. Then last week I found out he was married. I guess he had been married all along as he has two grown up daughters. We had talked about this and he said that he had no wife or children! Now, a lot makes more sense. Then, a few days ago he texted me that he missed me. The odd thing is, he won't know, I know about his family. I have never before come across this type of manipulative behaviour. It's four months with no word from him, but he won't let me get on, despite his wife. I thought this is worth telling, as it seems there are some damaged men around. On the surface he is attractive, kind and funny. It is important to remember, it is all about them. Thank you Jane for your words and for everyone’s support. This is a great forum, and I have learnt and benefited a lot.
You got your answers, Emily. Now you know so much more. You can connect the dots and find so many unanswered questions answered. And you also learned that you can trust your instincts, your beautiful intuitive self that knows when something isn't quite right. It is all about him. And now, you are free. I'm so glad you've found such a supportive community here and I'm sure we all appreciate receiving this update from you. Thank you. When it's time to date again, you'll know.
If she chooses to cater to his every whim she's being a doormat which I don't think she'd appreciate. Personally I would write him off!! She seems to want more than he does and he doesn't want to be emotionally involved. Its too bad.
It sounds like he is letting everyone down and it is a habit. Work is important but even the busiest people can prioritize what really matters when it does. Does he truly get it? If not, she either has to accept it or make the difficult decision and leave.
I have experienced the disappointment of my ex choosing work over me but I have realized he had been emotionally unavailable for years and he was incapable of being vulnerable or intimate. Emily, the choice is yours just like it was mine. I chose me, even though I miss him quite a bit at times but I realized I asked for much more than he could give. I had to put myself first and protect my heart. I dont want to be second or third anymore. I prefer being in a relationship, but until I find one where I dont have to settle I am working on me and being a healthier person. Hang in there Emily. Be true to yourself.
You hate to tell someone the enevitable but it seems like two different outlooks here the gentleman has a career focus while emily wanted more out of the relationship , basically two different paths couldnt become one unfortunately.
People SHOW (not tell) you everyday who they are, it's up to you to listen. Love is an action word, it moves, it does. I believe you know your answer deep down inside. Always follow your heart about a matter, it is the mind of your inner self. Your heart is grieved. Always remember that the blessings of the Lord maketh rich & it adds no sorrow. Pray for wisdom & remain blessed! 🙂 xo
I really do not understand how most women email.text message.call with a guy for weeks/days and have not seen each other that much in real life.
Automatically you build a certain hope and illusion that he likes you and wants the same thing, true relationship.
This to me always sounds like a fairy tale, that does not come true.
The man or the women gets hooked to the attention and the fairy tale.
I think especially women, because we are sensitive for attention.
We all love positive attention!
So what are you falling for? The excitement of the ''talks/chat''.... Do you
really know this guy? I mean have you really looked at him and his family/friends?
I always say, who bring the bread to the table. I do, there is no man that I will
let my bread get away. So the guy who dates me will see that I work hard, but
I work hard so I can live. If I like the guy off course you can make time to see him.
If I do not make time, I know the guy will not stay for long . And I do not blame him, because everybody needs attention and company.
But if I am really interested I will make time. I think everybody can make time, only does he consider it worthy?
So see if he is willing to make the time to get to know you. If he does, then you can
get to know him better. I mean dating in real life, not only talking on the phone or througt text messages. How about spending holidays together of going to a family trip?
I mean getting to know someone should be exciting . But also fun for you!
If it is not fun or kind, let the man go.
Great questions you're asking here, Maris. And how telling will the answers be. Thank you so much for adding to the conversation!
Well, I can understand Emily's confusion and frustration over the fact that some people can just walk away. In many cases, this is something that they have been thinking about for some time. But it is easy to mistakenly turn this back on ourselves and believe that they just did not care enough to talk it over.
If this guy does not reconsider and seek you out, as Jane has said, you should really reconsider what you have lost. Get him off the pedestal. Take where this relationship has taken you as a gift and find someone to share it with if need be. Now, if I could just take my own advice.
Beautifully put, Wayne. And hang in there. You will be able to take your own advice when you're ready. You're making progress. Hugs
So true, Wayne. Thank you for adding this. And you're so not alone here; the advice we see so clearly for others is always the hardest to see for ourselves!
I think this is not so much about him rather than about her and her rediscovering what she had hidden in her through him. He hasn't done anything other than sweettalk her. It seems to me she's not quite so clear about what she really wants and needs in her life right now and she's getting caught up in a fantasy. She's making him up in her head. The question she should be asking herself is: can I live with a boyfriend who is married to his career? If not, then she can be thankful for him having been the mirror she needed to find her attractiveness again and say goodbye. This doesn't sound like a very good scenario in the long run. The longer she waits, the harder it'll be. It definitely is clear to me from where I'm sitting that this isn't about him and that she's creating a web of illusions out of something that's not even there. I know what that's like. I've done it too many times. I hope she finds it in her to see this clearly and move on.
"The question she should be asking herself is: can I live with a boyfriend who is married to his career? If not, then she can be thankful for him having been the mirror she needed to find her attractiveness again and say goodbye." - You summed this up beautifully, Angel. Thank you.
I totally understand where Emily is coming from! I'm in the same predicament, except, I can't even get a friendship started off the ground to even get to her situation. My guy is a doctor who lives out of state, forever busy and always rescheduling. But, like Emily, he was the one person I felt attraction towards. It wasn't immediate, but it grew the minute he asked me if I were available and interested some 2 years down the line. He had instantaneously awakened dormant passion within me and yeah, the fantasies began. I mean, what's not to like, a stable, successful, handsome, tall, humble gentleman with tons and tons of other great qualities-almost any woman would feel a connection and cling to hope. ALAS, he’s married to his work and I won't hit the top priority list except sometimes in emails here and there saying ‘I've been thinking about you’. Sometimes that's a lot, but sometimes it's not enough. When a guy knows you're invested, you just might be the one at the end of the compromising stick and like Jane says "he doesn't have to give you more than he's comfortable with". Is this what you want? If yes, fine, put your big girl panties on, play your patient card and wait. If no, then he might just need to come off the pedestal because "when you do what you need to do for yourself, the outcome will always be the right thing for you. It works every time”. Right now, hating not knowing what is going only means that you've giving him full control.
Thank you for your words to Emily here, Dazz. Clearly, this resonates so much with you!
"ALAS, he’s married to his work and I won't hit the top priority list except sometimes in emails here and there saying ‘I've been thinking about you’. Sometimes that's a lot, but sometimes it's not enough." - Exactly!
I agree with Jane with one caveat. Tur love, if it is, and you will know, it is hard to find. Make adjustments for the right guy. It is important for you to be happy but dont sacrfice true love for dependability you may be bored
Thank you, Audrey. This is why clarity of what you truly want in a relationship is so important. It is always our priorities that determine our choices, even when it doesn't seem like it.
A man, focused on his work is a blesding. There is no wirse nightmare then a man like my ex, who has quit his day ( and night) job just to be extra clingy and stalk me around and became completely dependent on me. I think this lady needs to show him that he accepts the fact that his job us very important to him, but at the same time learbs how to communicate her wishes for their relationship without annoyance and in the most positive way. Perhapse at this point it is time to start talking about living together, so they could see each other more. If he is not open to that, then there us something more then his work that intervenes (maybe other women). In that case it is best ti call it quits.
Thank you for offering your perspective here for Emily, Nina. I am a huge fan of Marshall Rosenberg's work "Non-Violent Communication" for those who would like to explore this area further.
Emily,
It is so good to hear from another woman over 50 who is single, never been married and desiring a healthy, loving relationship. I love what Jane wrote back to you, and I am taking it to heart myself,. I feel the theme in most of the posts on GTTL is that WE are the ones doing the choosing, as difficult as that can be, especially when out hearts are deeply involved. WE are the ones who know what we can live with in a relationship and what we cannot, although that can get muddied by our emotional attachments at times.
By the way, I have just started Jane's course about attracting the rught man and forgetting the rest. It is excellent, and I recommend you take a look at what the course offers. It may be something that will help you as well.
We're all in this together, really. It is good to know we are NOT alone. My thoughts are with you as you navigate your situation. Caroline
Exactly, Caroline; we are always the ones doing the choosing, no matter how hard that is to see when we're in it midst of it! But you are so right, how hard that can be to accept, and to see the power that comes from that, instead of the tendency to feel sorry for ourselves for what seems so out of our control. I can relate to those feelings so well. Thank you for your encouraging words to Emily. I'm so glad you're enjoying my course! 🙂 If you could read all the letters I receive from women just like you, you would see just how not alone you are!
Remember what attracted him. Make sure you are still that person as well as able to now love and feel sexy and confident. Do not contact him in any way, shape or form because the ball is in his court. If he gets in touch, act cool. It seems as if you both see each other so little you could both have lovers on the side. Have you had the talk about being exclusive? If not then he may view this as a very convenient combination of real sex and cyber love that fits in with his career. Unless he s a high ranking politician, head of a charity or some other amazing and almost monk like pursuit then a man needs to be considerate of his woman. At his age, to be so intense about his career ... I smell commitment issues. He was attracted to you because you also have the same issues. Most women with high powered careers still need to see their man once a week at least. People aren't like chocolates - you can't behave like you're on a diet and only have one a month. I seriously question these careers that are so all consuming that a proper relationship cannot develop. You can't have your cake and eat it too! What are your priorities? I don't feel a relationship is the top of your list or his but because you were disappointed you suddenly see it for what it is. I don't see it lasting unless you take up freelance work and travel with him. I recommend you start dating properly again because guess what? He doesn't have a magic key on the end of his love machine. You kept men away for a reason - now you know you can love again, enjoy sex and live life your way - he needs to reach out to make sure he doesn't lose you and quickly. Start dating and he will soon hear about it and wake up. If not - life is too short!
"He was attracted to you because you also have the same issues." How interesting that you recognized this possibility for Emily, Fairycake. Thank you. Something more for her to consider.
To me, it seems like the situation is not going to change. He seems to love you enough to let you go if that is what you need and want.
You must decide if this relationship is enough to make you happy. If so, keep in mind how things are. When you make plans, you simply can't put much into them. Consider joining him on a business trip.
Thank you for adding your thoughts for Emily here, Eley. It all helps us see what is so hard to see when we're in the thick of it ourselves.
Hello Emily,
I can completely relate to your pain, confusion, frustration, and disappointment. Although my past experiences have not been of this exact nature I still understand how you feel and Jane is right. You are an attractive, sexy woman and for whatever reason he may have been the catalyst to that, it's still something from within you that emerged. In addition to being sexy, you are also smart and independent and that has taught you to be honest and brave in going about getting what you want, but how ironic that we lose our self confidence in their insecurity towards relationship commitments and desire. It's my battle too and this forum is helping me discover that what I want from another person is ok, when it's with the right person. I know it's frustrating when you feel you have met the right person but they just won't do what you want, (lol) but maybe it's to show you not to settle for less. I can live with that because the most important thing to me is to be true to myself not what I think they expect from me. So stay strong Emily, find the things that make you happy and let you shine. The right friends and lovers will appear, of that I'm convinced. I hope this helps you. Lisa
"but how ironic that we lose our self confidence in their insecurity towards relationship commitments and desire." - How ironic, indeed, Lisa. And yet so many of us can identify with this statement on such a personal level! Thank you for your words to Emily here. I'm so glad this is resonating with you and you're seeing that what you want is more than ok when it's with the right person for you!
You said he made you feel safe and loved and sexy?
Go back to the facts and what you know to be real.
For a man to make you feel safe he must be present in your life.
oh and while you are "waiting" to hear from him, just know there are likely other men who would love to date you.
Mirror his behavior. Dont always be available to him. Live your beautiful life. Love yourself. Treat yourself how you want to be treated by others. Your love for yourself will shine through.
Hugs
Beautiful advice for Emily, Jennifer. Thank you.