Our beautiful friend Adriana has a boyfriend who isn't sure what he wants, and says he wants to scale things back. They're currently in a long distance relationship that she's afraid is turning is turning into a long distance friends with benefits.
Here's her email:
My boyfriend moved a couple hours away for a new job and the original plan was that I would move down there as well (though we wouldn't be moving in together).
A few weeks ago, he mentioned that he was conflicted because he cares about me a lot and "thinks he's falling in love with me". But also wants to use this new move/job/change to focus on himself and focus on his career.
He said he wasn't sure about me moving down because if I was only moving down to be with him and "had expectations" about continuing our relationship and how things would be, then I probably shouldn't move. But if I was moving down there for myself and we could hang out when it was convenient, he'd be happy with that.
He said he saw this new job as a chance to start over and he wants to focus on his career and he was moving away from all of his old friends that "held him back" and he wanted some time to himself to focus on his own goals.
I understandably got upset and I feel like our relationship is already over. I had planned to have something more long term with him and it's breaking my heart.
I told him we needed to talk about "us" because he wasn't very clear with me on what he wanted from us in the future, if anything, when we had discussed this before. I told him this has been occupying my head since he first brought it up and it has left rocks in my stomach all week.
I asked him if he wanted a LDR with me, as he said he didn't want to break up, but didn't think it would be a good idea to move down there only for him.
He said we should "scale back" our relationship, so that we are still in contact and can visit each other but there won't be any expectations of calling one another every night (since neither of us are phone talkers) or any expectations of us taking turns commuting every weekend to see one another.
He elaborated on what he had told me before - that he wanted to focus on himself and "getting his shit together" because he feels like he is a 28-y-o f***-up for having so much student debt and not ever having really been passionate about any of his previous jobs. He said he doesn't want to be accountable to anyone but himself down there, so he can focus on his new career and learning new languages and getting back into shape and a bunch of other stuff he said he had found so many excuses to neglect.
He said that he doesn't want any other relationship because he said it would never work out with anyone else. He said the reason he loves our relationship so much is that we both went into it without expectations and "I-don't-do-relationships" type of people and somehow things just progressed into us having serious feelings for each other but without smothering each other.
I told him I had changed in that regard, because I had come to want more from the relationship and to see him more. I said going back is like a slap in the face, and I don't think I can do it. I can't just turn off feelings for him and just have us be what amounts to, IMO, casual long-distance FWBs.
He said he always wants me in his life and it would hurt him badly to lose contact with me, but said it also wasn't fair to expect me to wait around for him to get his life together.
He said he wished he could tell me things will all work out the way I want them to, but he didn't want to make promises he wasn't sure he could keep.
I was (and still am) confused and emotionally exhausted. I ended up spending the night with him, and I think he thinks by default, that I am willing to accept his terms for our (non)relationship.
I don't know what to do. I guess I want to try every last thing (even this "scaled-back" version of our relationship) because I cannot imagine the thought of not having him in my life.
Am I being a complete fool for wanting to try this even though it seems our paths are diverging?
Now I am so unsure about what to do.... 🙁
Do you think this means it's over between us?
- Adriana
My Response:
Dear Adriana,
How difficult it is for us to understand someone who says he doesn't know what he wants. Someone who is content to let things unfold, to see where things will go, as long as there are no expectations about how these same things will be.
He has you, he knows what he has with you, and so of course you can't understand why there can be any question of why he doesn't know and isn't sure and yet, by everything you say here, this has him and his own issues written all over it.
I'm going to pull from your email the parts that reveal so much about where he's at and why this is all about him making his own life a priority, so that you can see as clearly for yourself why he can't give you anything more than this casual non-committal response. It can be so hard for us to see this when we really don't want to believe what he's saying, but when it's in our best interest to.
He said he "thinks" he's falling in love with you. He doesn't know. You know.
He said "he wants to wants to use this new move/job/change to focus on himself and focus on his career." He's placed a priority on figuring out what he really wants in life and what he wants to do with his life.
He said he doesn't want you to move down if you're "only moving down to be with him and 'had expectations' about continuing your relationship".
But why else would you make this kind of move?
Why would you move to a place where you don't know anyone else, where you don't have a job or any other real reason to move - except for him? And more importantly, how could he possibly expect that you would find those terms agreeable to you, when clearly, hanging out when it's "convenient" has everything to do with when he finds it convenient on his terms and schedule, and doesn't include what you want and need.
He said you should "scale back" your relationship with very clear terms - his terms once again - so that he can keep you hanging on, still without any "expectations" of either "calling one another every night" or - just to be sure he's completely absolved of any responsibility here - any "expectations of us taking turns commuting every weekend to see one another."
He wants to make sure he "didn't make promises he wasn't sure he could keep."
He has made a point to make it perfectly clear to you that what this is really about is him focusing on himself - and only himself. He's telling you in so many words that he feels like he's not good enough, that he has so much to prove, that he wants to finally get his life together, that he wants to become everything he feels he isn't.
You can't save him, you can't be the one who changes all this for him; this is something he has to do for himself.
And so that there is no doubt in your mind that this is solely your decision and because he wants to make sure you understand he has no responsibility for the terms or outcomes of this significant decision for you, he adds that you "probably shouldn't move."
It's pretty clear that unless you can meet all these terms, there's little ambiguity on his part; he doesn't want you to move.
I know that's so hard to hear, and I know you want to find a different meaning to all of this, but there is so much here that makes this all so clear from an outside perspective which we never, ever have when we're in the midst of the longing, the wanting it to be so much more.
Your beautiful heart and soul matter here, Adriana.
You matter.
What you want matters. What you have to give someone who's right there on the same page as you, matters.
You say you planned to have something more long term with him and it's breaking your heart - of course it is. Because we make these assumptions; we assume that it's the same for him as it is for us without looking through objective eyes of reality, but instead those beautiful eyes behind those rose-colored glasses that make anyone and anything seem like we want it to be.
Don't exchange those qualities for anything in the world, Adriana, this beautiful ability you have to see through this person who can't give you what you understandably are looking for. Don't compromise what you want and what you don't unless you can be honest with yourself and agree to someone else's terms without losing yourself in the process.
How many of us have been there, convincing ourselves we could do this until we finally could lie to ourselves no more. Don't get started down that path without knowing what you're signing up for.
It doesn't get better, it only gets worse.
It's one thing to discover now that he's not there and doesn't know when or if he'll ever get there. It's a whole other thing to convince yourself you can live on someone else's terms waiting and hoping and pretending he's getting closer all the time when deep down you always know the truth.
You're emotionally exhausted because inside you know what's going on here. Deep down in that beautiful heart of yours, you know he wants to be free to change his life around on his own terms, to find his own way, to do what he needs to do to prove whatever he needs to prove to himself, to his family, to his friends, to whoever he feels the need to prove himself to.
You're not a fool for wanting to try to do whatever you can to make this work, Adriana, to try to make this into what you so want it to be. But he's telling you as clearly as he can what he needs. And you've told him what you need. And nothing has changed with his answer. So you know where he stands.
Now it's your turn.
Where do you stand? This isn't about there being anything wrong with you or you not being enough. It's about you being true to yourself.
I know you can't imagine the idea of him not being in your life, but try to imagine what life will be like living on the terms he's clearly drawn up for you.
Can you agree to that and still live with yourself?
You can't be the only one willing to make this work, Adriana. If it's meant to be, no time or space will be able to keep the two of you apart. But that willingness to be together and do what it takes to make that happen can't come from a place of ambiguity, Adriana. It takes two people on the same page, willing to do whatever it takes, in whatever time and place that happens to be.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Adriana? Please tell her your thoughts and share your stories with her here in the comments.
Dear Jane, you are genius! So much wisdom and reality, I couldn't say better. The most precious thing for a woman is dignity.
Thank you for your wise advice,
Cristina 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, Cristina. "The most precious thing for a woman is dignity." - So true! 🙂
Dear Adriana,
I used to be in this kind of relationships many many times before. Sacrificing myself to make things work, folliw his terms and eventually becoming totally one sided and in the end it nearly cost my own self worth. You see Adriana, there's nothing you can do to change his mind because it is not for you to do that in the first place. He needs to find whatever he wants by himself. It is his own battle and not yours. As I am writing this I remembered how I used to be like you and there's nothing wrong with it. What is wrong is that we always think that we need to do something to show him our worth. What is wrong is when we beat ourself up saying that maybe if we change, we show or prive more then he will change his mind. That will never happen because it is not your responsibility to make him see our value. You see Adriana, relationship should be simple provided you and him are on the same page. That's it. No complications . No mind games. Nothing. What you should do now is to focus on yourself. Love yourself more and live your life for yourself and not anyone else. Have clarity in what you want Adriana and anyone elses. Never settle for life. Trust me. Wgen you love yourself and live your life according to your rules, you will be a very happy woman and the right man will come to you.
It has taken me such a long time to understand, Sarah. But it is a universal truth. Well said.
Hi Angel,
It took me a while to get where I am today, Always always stay true to yourself. Happiness comes from within and not from others. and never ever settle for less.
To Adriana and anyone else in a similar situation:
Jane is right, you can't make anyone change or be on the same page as you are on. All you can do is decide for yourself if you want to settle for what another is offering you at the time. You always have a choice. If you truly want a more serious long-term relationship then you are settling for far less by accepting the terms he stated which will ultimately create a lot of pain for you. You need to stand in your own power of wanting what you want by standing by that feeling/decision. You simply tell/state to him that you want this certain type of relationship, you understand he's not on the same page as you, he can take whatever time he needs to figure things out, but you will not be waiting around for him, you will be getting on with your life....and leave it at that. Don't call him or chase him, don't give ultimatums or cave in to "just friends". Let him go. He may come back to you on his own ready to give you what you want. If he doesn't then he's not right for you. I understand how hard it is as I have had a similar experience with a man who wasn't on the same page as me. I let him go and I'm happier now.
There is a great concept that makes things vvery simple called mirroring.
If he calls. ...call him
if he texts.....text him
if he makes plans. ....make plans
on the flip side. ....
if he doesn't call. .....don't call him
if he doesn't text. ....don't text him
if he's not making plans. .don't make plans
this works.
Thank you again Jane for your insight on smothering.
Exactly! In this case gentlemen is first, lady is second, and not vice versa; )
Cristina; )
I like this statement: "You can't be the only one willing to make this work". I completely agree with this. If one does all the work and the other doesn't do anything, I think at some point there will be a lot of resentment.
Adriana - I think you should let your bf move and figure out who he wants to be, and you should cut ties. If it's meant to be and he truly loves you, I think he will come back to you, and if you are still available than great, otherwise his loss. Sometimes we don't know what we have until it's gone. But moving to a place where you know no one, and then aren't even going to live together, and all see each other when convenient for him, sounds like a lot more commitment on your part than his.
I say find someone who knows what they want, since you sound like you now know what you want.
Great response to Wayne, Jane! I completely agree, if we are meant to be someone will love you no matter how clingy, jealous, weird, needy, etc. you are. I also believe that often couples just not meant to be even if in love, and sometimes one person ends the relationship in not the nicest of ways, and that makes it a bit harder.
Adriana, I am very sorry for how hard this is for you. It would be hard for any of us, in many cases, this is very similar to how many of us feel, sometimes with similar circumstances. Please keep in mind that you need to keep going forward with your feelings, your needs, you are to come first now. Put aside anything but you. Do what makes you happy. Value your opportunity to enjoy every good and kind thing that you deserve until you are ready to share.
Jane, I cannot tell you in my words how comforting it is to read the kind words and caring advice you write because so often, like others, I see my story too.
"somehow things just progressed into us having serious feelings for each other but without smothering each other." Jane, can you smother someone who is right for you?
I so agree with you Wayne.
so grateful to have found Jane and this wonderful community of people sharing their stories. We are all learning from each others experiences.
I also am curious if you can smother someone who is right for you?
I think you can smother anyone, including someone who's right for you. The question is also, are you right for them?
Thanks for jumping in here, Isobel. I've added my thoughts on this point in my answer to Wayne. As you say, the question is always as much about "are you right for them?" as much as are "they right for you?":)
I've answered this in my response to Wayne, Jennifer. Hope this clarifies my point for you, too! 🙂
No, Wayne, you can't smother someone who is truly right for you. I know it flies in the face of what so many of us are led to believe, when we're told we're too needy, too clingy, too smothering. We'll drive them away, we're told. And then when we do, we're the first to place all the blame on ourselves and do so much more damage to our self-esteem by beating ourselves up with what we "should" have done differently and what could have been so different if only we hadn't been the way we were.
But if we look at what really went on, there's a truth that comes out that we rarely allow ourselves to see, let alone believe when we're too busy beating ourselves up instead.
What really is so right for us about someone who finds our behavior a turn off to them? What does it say about someone who doesn't want us the way we were, who doesn't want someone who is the way we are with them, except that they are not on the same page as us and aren't looking for the same thing as we are?
If two people are truly right for each other, the same qualities and behaviors that push someone else away will have the opposite affect on them; instead, it will be the very things that endear you to them! They will love and appreciate those parts of you that someone else didn't want to have anything to do with. This is why it is so important that we not take someone's "rejection" of us personally, since it is not about there being everything wrong with us and everything right with them, but about two people who simply aren't a match for each other if what we're looking for is to be loved and wanted for who we really are.
Those are the people that you want to be with, the one's you're compatible with. They accept you for you, they make you feel like there's nothing wrong with you, and they give you no reason to want to try so hard to win over, to cling to, to behave in a needy way, or to feel compelled to hold onto for fear of losing them. They don't bring out those types of responses in us because they don't need to.
They give us enough of themselves so that we're not to left to question where we stand or what's really going on in the relationship. And if we're not sure, we feel safe to ask. It's when we don't feel sure, when we don't feel comfortable asking - and usually when we need to ask at all - that we can know we're not where we belong if we're open to seeing it.
Instead, we usually have the opposite reaction, putting more time and energy into trying to force something that isn't meant to be because our programming that we have to make someone love us, that we have to win their love to be worthy, to be loved has kicked in.
Now there's always the reality that we may have our own insecurities to work on, our own anxiety issues from insecure childhoods and ambivalent attachments that have programmed into us a set of needs that no one can fill, and we are wise to get help with those when we recognize there's something deeper going on. But even then, if we are with the people who are right for us, they will support us in getting that help, be there for us as we seek to better ourselves and work on our own issues that we want to change. They won't hold them against us, making us feel even worse about ourselves than we already do.
And finally, if you have any doubt about the reality of what this means for you, ask yourself how you would be with someone who isn't perfect, who has their own issues to work on, who sometimes behaves in ways that reveal their humanness more than a personalized "flaw". Aren't you so quick to try to understand them, to be all too forgiving of them, to want to support and help them through their own issues?
And if over time you discover you're not enough of a match or their qualities and behaviors are compatible enough for you, do you make them feel like there's something wrong with them? Or do you simply see them as not on the same page as you, not right for you, not compatible with what you're looking for.
That's what I'm talking about and I hope this helps clarify this point. There's a huge difference between two people who are not right for each other, and someone being too much or too not enough for someone who's truly right for you!
Thank you for this very good explanation. I have had a difficult time really allowing myself to see that truth of which you speak. Because it all seemed so wonderful in the beginning, then the page turned for some reason. And as you explain, I have been thinking of what I might have done. Or should not have done, as I have shared with you before. This is why I say I could never chase again.
You are exactly right, I was trying to win her love, chasing it. She was subtle in her manner of pushing me away which must have been very frustrating for her. I was troubled about the way she treated me and it showed. But I kept trying. Yes Jane, she was not perfect (I am not either), yet I tried to understand, overlook, forgive and help. As I continue to try to repair my self esteem, it starts to make sense. But it still hurts.
Hey Wayne,
While I don't know the exact circumstances of your situation, I can only assume, based on our last exchange from a different thread, that the woman you were going out with was emotionally unavailable. Since ending our relationship, we have stayed together as friends and amazingly, knock on wood, we have had a relationship based on friendship blossom into something more than where we were back when we were officially together.
Every relationship has its own unique circumstances, but perhaps you'll find as I did that without the confines of a defined relationship that something more will blossom out of it, Or not. But as always, the choice is your to remain in it or not. For myself, as I discussed with Jane today, I've made a conscious choice to stay with her in a free flowing relationship where nothing is defined nor are there any expectations.
Could I smother her? Possibly. I'm not really sure. But if the act of smothering is part of being who really are at the core, then I don't think you can. If you have to think about it, and choose a course of action that has the appearance of, and unintended consequence of, actually smothering the other person, than yes it does occur.
So I guess what I am saying is that you and I are, to a certain extent, fortunate that we can be in a position of making a conscience choice of whether or not we can live with a set of circumstances that we just don't understand.
Eric
Hi Eric
Thanks for your comment. Her emotionally unavailable diagnosis was mine alone, lol. While I did once adore her, I am afraid that friendship is not possible for me, as such a relationship to me is based on trust and respect...neither of which were present from her in the end. And I do not see it as something she would want either as she was pretty harsh in the end. I have not had any contact with her since last May.
It is hard to explain something one does not understand. But it was never my intent to smother. I was just doing what I thought was normal in a relationship. And I have been told by those who know what I did that I did nothing wrong. But I suspect she was detaching from me for some reason, so the attention I gave her, my ideas for activities etc to get her back to normal would seem like smothering to her. Her ability to delete me seemed so hard to believe at first. Especially since I had always believed I would not be treated like her past men. Wrong.
While the circumstances are things I cannot understand, I enjoyed my life with her until she changed for whatever reason. The choice was hers so I had no say. And living with this has been very difficult.
Hey Wayne,
Sorry to hear that you have been through so much since last May. This time around I've decided that, since it's more of a free flowing relationship, I'm no longer going to "think" about what I ought or ought not to be doing. Whatever my gut reaction is, or put differently, whatever my natural inclination to do at any given moment is, in response to the circumstance I am in, will be what I will do. Right or wrong, nothing to lose since I already lost her the first time around when we were "officially" going out together. But I very much recognize that I am very blessed to have this opportunity to have a relationship with her in that while we did call things off we were able to get back together. And as I discussed with Jane, to an extent, I am fortunate that I am in a position where there has been sort of a role reversal from how this typically occurs in relationships.
I truly hope that your heart will be on the mend Wayne and that you and everybody else that are in contact with Jane will find true everlasting love. Wow, now does that sound drippy or what?
Take care.
Eric
Hi Wayne,
I couldn't really say that I've read enough of your comments to know what went down, so I'm just going to share the other side of "deleting" an ex base on personal experience. I recently broke up, and we were together for nearly 3 years. Very much in love and hardly argue. BUT there was just one problem that he had (has?) major commitment issues. It was really hard on both of us, but I needed to know what my future holds. While I'm grateful for the wonderful years we had, I just have to erase him as much as I possibly could going forward. Because every time he shows up in my social media, conversation or anything, it's like pushing a thorn deeper into my heart. So Facebook, Instagram, twitter, I unfriended/unfollowed him and his family (yes I spent Xmas with his family) and close friends.
I'm not a cold heart bitch, but this is how I heal, at least trying to. After everything that's been said and done, there is just no way I could pretend to be friends with my ex, it's simply too painful.
This may or may not be her case, and only she knows the answer, I'm afraid. But don't take it personally when she deleted you.
Thank you LG for your comments. I guess the reasons for my breakup will someday not matter. Dealing with such a rapid change, to see someone I cared for deeply make a sudden turnaround has left me with doubt, a loss of knowing what to believe in. And I did or would not see the things that should have made things worse. But I tried my best.
Jane has shown that songs and myths of happy ever after have made things worse. And I find any reference about her is like a thorn to me, too. Facing the fact that she cared little for me, while to me, she was 10 feet tall, accepting it all has been the most difficult part of my life.
Going through the same, I know how it feels. Right now, I'm trying to love myself more. Wayne, I sincerely hope you try the same. Take care.
Hi LG
I'm sorry to hear it ended! . I really do believe we (men and women) should NOT be friends with our Ex's. What is the point really? we have enough friends plus I find being "friends" with an ex very difficult when once you had something with the person (and was intimate). And now, we're supposed to pretend nothing happened? What about when new person is involved in their lives but the Ex is still in the picture and never lets go? This is too unhealthy and complicated! You're doing the right thing by "erasing" him. I did too. No, you're not cold hearted! Believe you'll love again and have good things to offer to another guy who wants to spend his life with you
Elisia, You're absolutely right and I couldn't agree more! Thank you for your kind words. I do believe that I can make a guy the happiest man in the world one day, and I'm just yet to find the right one.
Hi Eric,
I totally agree with statement "a free flowing relationship where nothing is defined nor are there any expectations" keep it simple and be youself. If by being yourself someone feels smothered or pulls away thenit's likely they aren't the one.
My current relationship seems to working out this way and it feels good not like work at all. Just natural.
thank you for the male perspective.
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Don't thank me for anything. All I've done is distill what I've learned from working with Jane into some words. Working with her has been the most eye opening experience for me and I have learned so much. As she would say, "it's all you Eric." Hard to believe that I've been able to come to these all important conclusions on my own because otherwise I would not have learned the lesson at all.
Eric
aw, thank you, Eric. It is all you! 🙂
I am walking in the same shoes!! My long term, long distant boyfriend doesn't want calls every night, wants to see me every couple of months, recently told me that when and if I move to his area, he doesn't want to marry me. Hmm, I guess that means that he just wants me to move in but doesn't want the commitment. That cut to the core. A while back he said that he loved me but didn't know if he was IN love with me. When our long distance relationship started nothing would keep us from being together. Now, it seems as though there are excuses and I am think I am seeing self sabotage on his part to have "reasons" why we should not get married. My head sees that he wants to remain single, not want to answer to anyone or be accountable to anyone but himself. My heart tells me that we can have a great life together. He says he loves me and wants me to move in with him but I have my concerns. I have to move to a new state without friends at 59 years old and live with him and he will continue to do his thing (which is golf all the time, although he says that he will cut back) but I am afraid the vision that I have of myself of sitting in a lonely cold apt alone will ultimately be the truth for me. I need what it takes to cut him loose and move on. (We did break up for a couple of years and he begged me to come back. When I did, he promised marriage, partnerships in everything, a completely committed life to each other. But when he feel likes he has me, thats off the table). Friend, I hate to say it but we both need to move on! I have invested 18 years on and off for this relationship and you can see where it has gone!
Hi there,
Adriana here. Since I had written this, I decided to break up with him. He came to visit one weekend and after we had dinner, I said we needed to talk and put all of our cards on the table. I asked him what he wanted between us - a relationship or not - and he responded that he still considered us to be together, but wasn't sure how sustainable it was. I said that wasn't good enough for me, that I felt like convenient option to him and that I loved him way too much to be okay with that. We both cried. He said the worst thing was how bad he felt for hurting me. He said we'll get through it and hopes that we can be friends again. At first, I implemented no-contact, but we both have broken it since. However, neither of us have mentioned trying to get back together, so at this point I am moving forward with my life and focusing on myself. I just want to thank Jane for this blog and for all of the commenters on here. We'll get through these things.
Oh Adriana, I'm so glad you were able to see this for yourself, to come to the decision that was right for you, not because of what anyone else told you to do. It makes such a difference when you can own it, when you can come from a position of your own power and strength and let him know it's not enough because you know that you deserve more, that it's not enough for the person who needs to matter more than anyone else to you - you. Always, always here for you! 🙂
Oh Adriana, I feel so happy you have chosen your beautiful life and self! Hats off to you. I myself have made the wrong decisions in the past and boy I have suffered the consequences. Glad to know you're a tough cookie and a woman who values herself this way. Big hug to you. You'll be completely ok.
I'll put in my two cents here. I think Jane is absolutely correct: My own sordid circumstances are very much different than yours Adriana, but you absolutely must know what you can and can't accept from this person. My own crazy circumstances have left me in a position of having to make a choice in being with somebody whom I clearly understand the pros and cons of being with and weighing those against what I can and cannot live with, and I've come to the point where the pros outweigh the cons.
Moving to be with somebody based upon all the contrary reasons that Jane mentioned would be a bad idea. But tough as it might be to stay in an LDR while the guy is figuring out his life and how to become his own person is going to be key to the both of you in the long run as well if it does all work out (much like you must live your life, be who you are so that you don't lose your sense of self in this relationship) is critical.
Perhaps pulling back a bit, take inventory of your own life and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are while pursuing things that interest you and in the meantime while this guy figures out his own life somebody will enter into yours or this guy will figure out his life and realize what he has to be with you.
Eric
Thanks for offering your male perspective here, Eric. It always adds so much!
The positive thing Adriana he told you where he is in his life. Hear what he is saying "PAY ATTENTION". When a man tells you something believe him. I had to learn the hard way, it left me hurt, angry, confused and stuck. The lesson I learned from the relationship was " I have my own life to live and if you do not want me in yours....then their is someone out there who WANTS ME in theirs.!! Once you start moving forward doing Adriana...he will come back! But you will be strong enough to make a head decision not a heart decision.
"When a man tells you something believe him." - So true, RealDavis. You're so not alone; most of us have to learn this the hard way.
I agree with what you said here except "he will come back". Because he won't, most of the time. The sooner we accept that he is gone for good, the sooner we can truly move on.
My heart goes out to you Adriana....these decisions are certainly never easy while your going through it. We have all experienced it in one way or another. Be true to yourself and stay strong...the answer is there. You just have to search within your heart to what is best for you.
"... these decisions are certainly never easy while your going through it" - Such an important point, Melanie; thanks for this reminder.
He's 28 - he's at the point in his life where he needs to build his kingdom, to find out what he's capable of, to get established in a career - and he's being very honest about it. He seems very self-aware, he's telling you exactly what he can offer you (and what he can NOT) and he's really not leaving any room for misunderstanding.
It's heart-breaking I know - but you can't hurry along this stage for him, he has to go through it in his own time, which could be a couple of years or much longer. We can understand the process intellectually but we don't really "get" it because we don't go through the same stages that men do. It's not his fault, it's not your fault - but truly be thankful that he is being so honest about how he feels.
So very true, Isobel. Thank you for offering your perspective and insight here.
Oh my. Bringing back the heartache. I'm so afraid he will call or contact me again. I've met a new man who wants to be with me. Treats me well. Im scared of my lingering feelings for the other man.
help
Don't be afraid of those lingering feelings, Jennifer. They remind us of who we are and how far we've come. They give us a reality check to see what we really want and if we're serious about those same things. They give us a chance to reassess our current situation, our new relationships and the new lives we create for ourselves to see which life we want more. They make us stronger. They make us more confident.
Don't fight them; feel them and accept them as they come. Is it more of the "if only" what if?" second guessing pattern we fall into? Or is there something more there that we need to take a closer look at? You're in control. These feelings can't take over you and "make" you do or say anything if you don't want them to.
Let them remind you of just how powerful you are, to choose, to feel, to grow, to take a moment to ask for some space to figure things out if that's what you most need to do. Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts; deep down you know why and you know whether there's anything more to do.
I feel her pain! I was with my guy for 10 months and for those 10 months he was going through a divorce. His divorce came August 25. Two weeks after his divorce he told me he needed time to get through the emotionally baggage of his divorce and put to sleep his feelings for his wife of 27 years, even though he has deep feelings for me. For two months after that he was back and forth with me, one minute we're just friends, then we're more than friends but taking things extremely slow, and now we're back to "I think all I can offer you right now is friendship." I did write him a long letter of encouragement in that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (I am a recent divorcee myself) to which he missed the entire point of the letter, thinking I was asking for our relationship back. It made me very sad that my heartfelt letter was completely misunderstood. After a few words exchanged via text, I simply said to have a good day, because I knew there just wasn't any sense in talking any longer, that indeed, there is simply no room for me in his life at this time, as he does need to find himself again, needs to clear up his drama and unpack his emotional baggage and I can not do that for him. I haven't him from him since, although I am still friends with him on FB which I probably shouldn't be. I am heartbroken and am mourning the loss of him, but I haven't yet given up hope that he will one day find his way to me, but in the meantime have started dating again, and am enjoying my possibilities and most importantly allowing myself to have fun again with someone different.
There's always a reason our heartfelt intentions are misunderstood, Dari. It's never about you, it's always about where he's at and what he wants to see. Be so proud of yourself for seeing that "... there just wasn't any sense in talking any longer, that indeed, there is simply no room for me in his life at this time, as he does need to find himself again, needs to clear up his drama and unpack his emotional baggage and I can not do that for him." And you can't. You're doing exactly what you can do, that you can have control of; getting out there and living your life, dating for the fun of it, and seeing just how much of a life you can create for yourself regardless of what someone can or can't give you.
Wow Jane. thank you for empowering women. I wish I knew of you when I was going through the exact same situation. I wouldn't have wasted 5 years of my life. Jane is right when she says "It doesn't get better, it only gets worse" It gets WORSE. The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is end things gracefully and tell him thank you for your "offer" but no thanks. You are both obviously not on the same page. Don't expect him to just go away. He won't. He will call you on occasion and when he does if you chose to answer don't think he is calling because he is changing his mind or if you love him more or "change" things you will convince him to want you the way you want him. Just stick to what YOU want and focus. Basically he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Not fair on you. You will be the one to loose big time. Maybe you can learn from my experience.
I chose to cut off communication completely with my ex because everytime he'd call me every other day I would have hope. Hope that things would turn in my favor. But the conversation was basically him keeping me at arms length but still wanting the benefits of a relationship. I knew I couldn't handle it. When I chose to walk away, he called me selfish and told me I am too extreme. Why do I have to cut him off. He says no expectations but there are expectations. He expects you to stay on HIS terms. The best thing you can do for YOU is cut your losses and move on, You will find the right person for you.
"He says no expectations but there are expectations. He expects you to stay on HIS terms." - Exactly, Princess. Thank you for sharing your own experience here. It's always fascinating how the tables get turned around when you stand up for what you can and can't live with anymore. So glad you're finding strength here and I thank you for your kind words. 🙂
Oh sweetheart! Your story touches me and not only because we share the same name.
I can only imagine how heart broken you are. It will get better with time if you choose yourself which I hope you do. Your life is meant to be lived to the fullest, feeling good about yourself, not waiting for someone to make up his mind or reach his goals and put you in the backburner. You deserve to be loved and given everything you dream of, so don't settle. He was clear, Adriana. There's no confusion here and deep down you know what you have to do.
I wish you lots of light and strength to do the best for you. Big hug.
"He was clear, Adriana. There's no confusion here and deep down you know what you have to do." - Thank you, Angel.
Adriana, you can be thankful he has been honest with you. Advise you to let him be and go on with your life, but do not burn any bridges. Sometime later he may be ready for a relationship with you. And if you are not otherwise involved, things could work out. For now, as I initially stated, get on with your own life though it will not at the first be easy to do with your deep feelings for him. Know that my heart goes out for you at this tough time. Bee
Thanks, Bee. We may not want to hear the honest words, but they're worth their weight in gold!
I had to do this recently. It was really hard. Deep down I think my man cared about me but if a man doesn't have there life together they can't commit. My man also told me he was conflicted. They don't want to lose us but they aren't giving us all we deserve either and they know this.
I've moved on and actually found a man who has his life together and is ready for a relationship. It's an amazing feeling being in this relationship. The first man found out and reached out to me again. Talked all night and I told him exactly how I had felt about him and that he needed to get out of my life. I felt awful having that conversation. I knew it was over and he wouldn't go away. I felt cheated.
Just look at all the signs, they are there and very clear. It will be hard Adriana but the right man who will gi e you the love and respect we all deserve will come along.we can't save them. A man needs to feel strong and capable of taking care of you. If he's not feeling it there is nothing you can do to change that.
Please look inside and take care of you Adriana. You are beautiful and deserve to be happy. Love yourself first.
Lots ve and hugs, Jennifer
"They don't want to lose us but they aren't giving us all we deserve either and they know this." - Exactly, Jennifer - they do always know. Thank you for sharing your own experience and what you've come through. I'm so happy you've found this new relationship that's showing you what you've been missing. And so nice to have a picture to see who I'm "talking" to! 🙂
Thank you Jane.
As hard as it is to be single sometimes, I'd rather be solo without extra stress than with someone who adds optional trauma drama to my life
Tell him that you love him and he is the only one you love, you don't want to be single, however you love and respect yourself more. Therefore, it would be an act of self-hate to waste my time/life on a gamble. Then walk away.
I know it ain't easy. But I just did this and it was the day before my birthday to a man who was telling me how much he loved me, talked about kids, and told his family about me but in the last week was saying this to me constantly.
"Tell him that you love him and he is the only one you love, you don't want to be single, however you love and respect yourself more. Therefore, it would be an act of self-hate to waste my time/life on a gamble. Then walk away." - Beautifully said, Jackie. Thank you.
Speaking the truth and avoiding any game playing is how I choose to walk away clean. He tried calling me from his work cell because I don't readily recognize that number. Luckily I was in a meeting all afternoon. Then he emailed me a few minutes later asking if I can talk. No reply. I love this person but I am no longer interested in having any relationship with him. Must stay clear of optional stress and upset that has no benefit and value for me.
HI Jackie your words of wisdom really resonated with me especially the part of staying clear of optional stress and upset, so many times we put our needs and feelings as second best
I think when we feel this despair we need to explore the help we need to assist us on healing the negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. I love your transparency and your knowing
I know it's not easy but I do believe the more support you can offer yourself when you are being triggered the more self assurance you feel.
Best
rosy
Most people have enough necessary stress in their lives. To add extra is insanity when there is no benefit at all.