Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while have heard me talk many times about the importance of inner confidence. About how you can attract exactly what you’re looking for simply by being more confident.
And most of us, myself included, have often wished for much more confidence than we have.
But what does that really look like?
You can try to fake it and just act more confident, even while inside you're secretly terrified (yes, I've tried this method myself, and I know firsthand that it's just not much fun!) While pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone like that can certainly help to build your confidence, and I do recommend trying it if you feel up to it, I also know that it can be too difficult for many of us to attempt.
The good news is that there’s an easier way to being much more naturally confident in yourself that has nothing to do with acting, trying, pretending, or following someone else’s formula for finally getting it right. And the best part is that it will result in a much more authentic kind of confidence because it will be reflecting your true nature.
You see, there’s something that confidence is about more than anything else. It’s about knowing where you belong and where you don’t.
Think about it for a moment.
When you’re heartbroken over the fact that someone didn't call or text you like he said he would, or when you’re with someone for a few months and they start getting emotionally distant, or when you find that he's not wanting any more of a committed relationship with you when you’re ready for more, what’s the first thing you usually do?
You take it personally.
You make it about you and what you’re doing wrong, or why you’re not enough or why there’s somehow something wrong with you. You start thinking about what you can do to change yourself so that he’ll call or text you again, or come to see that you’re someone worth making a commitment to.
And when you don’t get what you’re so longing for from him – this guy that you think you can’t live without – you let it affect you in a way that no one ever deserves to be affected.
Without even realizing it, you do such damage to your self esteem and self confidence by making your worth dependent on what you get from this one person.
What’s wrong with me? You wonder.
Why can’t I ever get this right? You ask yourself and anyone who’s still willing to listen to you.
What does everyone else have that I can’t seem to get?
You compare yourself to everyone else. There’s no end to what you’ll see and do to yourself, what you’ll put yourself through to try to make your beautiful self fit into a mold or a place that you're never meant to fit into.
Remember the whole square peg in a round hole analogy? That’s the one I’m talking about here.
It’s so obvious when we see it in others, but we never see it when we’re in the midst of such a poor fit ourselves.
And that’s the whole point.
You’re not meant to be with someone if you have to try to be something other than yourself to win their affections.
You’re not meant to be with someone who you have to be quiet around, who you have to walk on eggshells with, who you have to follow any set of rules (self-imposed or otherwise) just to maintain the relationship.
You’re not meant to be with someone where you have to constantly wonder where you stand.
You're not meant to be with someone where you have to create a fake profile for yourself to “spy” on them to see what they’re really up to.
You’re not meant to be with someone who’s not on the same page with you, who doesn't want what you want, who can’t give you what you’re looking for.
This is no way for any of us to live, and especially not you!
Why would we ever choose to live this way? Why would we willingly choose to do this to our beautiful selves?
Oh, we rarely think we’re choosing it. We think it’s just what happened to us, that we’re simply finding out what someone’s really like. And yes, that’s true, but it’s more than that. We’re finding out more about ourselves. And where we belong, and where we don’t.
What would it mean for you and the way you live your life if you listened to that small voice inside you that recognizes when something isn't right with who you’re with instead of believing there’s something wrong with you?
What would it mean for the way you treat yourself if you stopped to consider what you were really getting out of this relationship instead of believing someone else’s programming that this is your role to play?
What would it mean if the words, “You’re too (fill in the blank)” or “You're not (fill in the blank) enough” were taken as the reality check they are instead of the rejection of ourselves we take them to be?
Could it change everything?
Could it mean the difference between feeling like a whole person versus one who never feels like enough?
You see, it’s not just in romantic relationships that this happens; it’s everywhere we find ourselves.
I remember a very similar scenario not too long ago in one of the social groups I used to attend where I never quite felt comfortable sharing what I wanted to say. It was a local Mom's group that I joined because the description of it, and what I had heard from others, sounded like it would be such a perfect fit.
In fact, it sounded like such a good fit that I just kept on trying to make it work, even though inside I felt just a bit awkward and uncomfortable with the group.
It wasn't until a couple of years later, long after I left the group, that I finally understood what that feeling was about. It was not about me not being “good enough” for them, but it was about me and this group simply not being the right fit.
It wasn't that I couldn't meditate long enough or be quiet for as long as they wanted me to meditate and be quiet for, it was that I wasn't looking for the same thing they were. The reality was that I was looking primarily for more social interaction, and this was a group that was more about the spiritual component than the social part.
I tried to fit in over the course of many months, and then had a natural reason to leave when I moved away. It was later when I moved back and reconsidered joining them that I recognized my internal reservations about fitting in there. It was then that I realized what I hadn't understood before.
They weren't wrong and I wasn't wrong; we were just wrong for each other. I felt such a relief when I realized that while they're a great group, they weren't the right group for me. I was then free to move on and find a group that had more of the social component that I was craving.
It was the same as all of those relationships from my single days. I poured my heart and soul into them no matter what was going on with him. It was my story, my belief that I had to keep giving, keep proving my worth, keep showing what I had to offer him that would eventually make him mine.
My story, not his.
My story, not anyone else’s.
Not the groups I chose and then never felt like I belonged. Not the friends I chose because they were the kinds of people I thought I should be more like, but who were never capable of being real friends.
Not the careers I chose because they allowed me to hide from what I really wanted to do, but was too scared to try anything else at the time. Not the stories I kept repeating to myself that only reinforced the same underlying beliefs that tell us so much more about ourselves than we ever see.
It took a long time, but I finally realized that I am enough, just the way I am.
You're enough.
You’re enough. Period.
Don’t give so much of your power away like you do. You know you’re enough. You know you’re not too much of something or not enough of something else. You know the truth.
You might say you don’t, but you do. Deep down, we all do. And that’s why we can only play the part for so long.
There’s a beauty in this you can trust. It’s telling you where you belong, and where you don’t. It’s showing you who’s safe, and who’s not. Who’s available to you, and who’s not. Who’s right for you, and who’s not.
Trust it. Trust yourself.
This is how you know! Don’t take on someone else’s judgment of you that only says you’re not right for them, not that you’re not right at all. There’s a huge difference there and you understanding that difference is worth everything. Really getting that, truly understanding that difference is what brings true confidence.
It’s time to stop hiding in the dark.
That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re not willing to settle even though you’re not quite seeing how you don’t have to. That’s why you keep coming back even though you’re not quite ready to let go. That’s why you’re slowly but surely being gentler with yourself; not because you've learned how to love yourself yet, but you’re starting to understand how.
And that’s why I’m here.
To remind you of what I've taken so long to learn myself. Never all at once – seriously, it took you years to get here, you’re not going to change this overnight.
Keep showing up.
Keep asking the questions here to me and the other people who you’re seeing are not so different from you.
You’re OK. More than OK.
And when you're with someone who's right for you, you'll have all the confidence in the world. Naturally.
Know that you’re never alone. I read every comment you write.
Wherever you are, whatever you’re going through, I'd love to hear about it, and so would the rest of this community that we've built here. Share your story, your struggles, your “aha” moments with us here in the comments. That's what we're here for!
"You’re not meant to be with someone where you have to constantly wonder where you stand.
You're not meant to be with someone where you have to create a fake profile for yourself to “spy” on them to see what they’re really up to.
You’re not meant to be with someone who’s not on the same page with you, who doesn't want what you want, who can’t give you what you’re looking for."
What if you just aren't meant to be with anyone at all? After 6 years single I've come back to this thought. This time lately though it's not in a sad or negative way, more positive. Maybe some of us really just aren't meant to be with other people, maybe we will flourish best on our own, and we are so uniquely shaped that there's no real other piece that would fit us, or that we'd want to fit ourselves to?
It used to be "im doomed to be alone forever!" despair. Lately it's more an acknowledgement that I've been on my own for a long time now, and maybe that's just how i'm meant to be. It's weird, I've found very little attraction to other people lately. As I've worked through a lot of my buried insecurities it's gotten me to a point where I know longer even see the need in having a relationship, nor could I imagine anybody I would want one with anymore. I don't feel sad about this however.
Maybe some of us aren't meant to be in relationships at all, and the reason it always fails, or never even starts in the first place, is people like me who were trying too hard to place themselves into somethign that doesn't fit them. I'm learning to accept being on my own for the long run, and there is a lot of magic i can experience in life unencumbered by somebody else!
Dear Jane
I completely understand what Sky is saying. I feel like im not meant to be with someone. I have had 2 failed marriages. I have been single for the last year and it feels great! Yes I am alone but not lonely. Ive learned through you and let me tell you, Jane I found you at the best time in my life. To know its ok to be who you are always! Ive learned to love myself..embrace what some would call negative traits as me..just me. I am stubborn, independent quick witted and speak my mind! This is who I am. I love all of that too! Ive also accepted the fact that if I dont find what I truly want, im ok with me. I cant even begin to tell you how good it feels to say that and mean it. I also know thay everyone of my relationships have been a reflection of where I was. Very painful to say and I am not a very emotional person. I wandered why I couldn't get it right too. Its because I wasnt where I am now. Thank you for helping all of us to see if we accept ourselves. .thats all that truly matters. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result! Lets just say im a little more sane now ! Thank you Jane.
"To know its ok to be who you are always! I've learned to love myself..embrace what some would call negative traits as me..just me. I am stubborn, independent quick witted and speak my mind! This is who I am. I love all of that too!" - This is so beautiful, Browneyedgirl!To embrace yourself like this, to no longer have to wonder why you "can't get it right", but instead to accept with love and compassion all of your beautiful self, is so inspiring to hear it in your own words. It's why this journey to "find" true love is so much more than finding another person, it's about finding yourself first, and then everything else will fall into place in a way that only you can know, in a way that can only be "right" for you. Thank you, for sharing, your for your kinds, for taking the time to inspire us all. I'm so glad you've discovered this all for yourself in a way that has resonated so beautifully with you.
Jane, thank you for responding. It feels so good to say what I have said to you and for you to understand! I truly feel that I am scared of a real commited relationship and that's why I havent found the man I'm supposed to be with. Yes I have been married twice in fact but I really dont know what a healthy normal real relationship looks or feels like. Sure I have friends that are but I didn't grow up around that. I feel that I have chosen men who arent available emotionally because Im not either. Oh you couldn't have convinced me of that then! Really none of that matters now because I wasnt meant to be there. Im meant to be here in the now chosing myself what I truly want! I wouldn't have figured this out of it wasnt for you. I am happy. Truly happy learning that I matter. What I want out of life in every aspect matters. I finally made my lists of wants or must haves and I refuse to settle ever again. Thank you for being you. It is amazing how someones words can empower us all to understand how beautiful worthy and deserving of love especially for ourselves more than anything else! You truly are beautiful inside and out! Thank you
You're so welcome, Browneyedgirl! I'm so glad you've found your way here. 🙂
Hello Jane,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, you always send the right messages at the right time. I've emailed you before regarding a past situation and I have been doing great since then. But this message is so on point, not with just a relationship, but with friendships. I have had friendships end over the past couple of years and one that was of almost 30 years, so called 'best friend'. The people involved all met through me and then all of sudden, no one is speaking to me. Okay, fine, but now sitting back and observing these people, I have to realize that I was blind to who they are, they are a group that needs constant praises to be given. I don't mind complimenting people, giving a praise when it's appropriate, etc., but not 24/7. I am a very caring, kind and giving person, but I've learned now to give that to myself, then share it with others more. I'm not a vain person and I'm humble and I now see that that is why I don't fit into that group. I can be whatever I feel like being for the day, I can be dressy, classy, tomboy or casual, I am not a person to stay on 'pretty' all the time and think I'm better than anyone else.
As far as the relationship I recently walked away from, I thought I was the reason at first, but now I know the guy just wasn't mature enough to handle me, he's a 40+ year old male, stuck in a 20 year old mentality, so now that he and I aren't communicating, he now runs around with that old group of friends of mine and is dealing with a female in the group whom she and I were what I call 'associates' we never crossed the friendship line. And when this was discovered at first I was in that mode that you spoke of, wondering what was wrong with me, what does she have, but then I remembered, I'm a mature woman, who stands up for what she believes in and don't conform. The fact that he's still a male who doesn't deal with his past hurts and plays games, she may end up in the same boat, but that's her problem. What's funny to me is that the things she makes public, are things that he and I did and I introduced him to, but since she has a certain same persona, he got hooked. So I laugh because it seems there is still some background of me within his actions with her. Again, her problem.
I am now enjoying time spent with me and I have moved on to new groups that I fill good with, 'gym rats'...lol. I always had a love for the gym and fitness and I have gone back to that. I have started doing other things and I've left that part of my life in the past. Life is too short and the love, care, kindness, and loyalty I thought I had to always give to others, is now inward and it feels great. So, Thank you for the confirmation with this message and if there is someone dealing with confidence struggles, I say if it doesn't nourish your soul, get rid of it. It won't go away overnight, but in time it will be just fine and new opportunities will come a knocking. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Mariposa. We always think we're the reason until we finally open our eyes to really see the true story of what was, and not just the one we're so used to telling ourselves. "Life is too short and the love, care, kindness, and loyalty I thought I had to always give to others, is now inward and it feels great." - Beautifully said! 🙂
Thank you 🙂
Dear jane, I want to say you are so good for my head. Since i've became a widow 2 years ago after 42 years of a happy marriage and a man that truly loved me for me, I have been with two men and all they want is what i have not me. Reading your articles have really made me see me for me and i get stronger every day,I. Look frward to reading your page,you are an angel,thank you
I'm so glad you're seeing this and getting stronger in yourself because of what you're open to seeing, Lucinda. It may be me who plants the seeds, but it's you - all you! - who applies it to your own life in a way that only you can benefit from! 🙂
Sorry I forgot to mention that I remember someone important saying to me once was
Every person you encounter is a reflection of you so if you ate feeling rejected or dismissed by someone where are you doing this to yourself. I found this to be so profound, when I look back at all the men who never really loved or accepted me I realise that the truth was I wasn't accepting of myself, not good enough
Now I truly believe they were
My messenger! they all came into my life to show me what i was doing and feeling about myself!
"Every person you encounter is a reflection of you so if you are feeling rejected or dismissed by someone, where are you doing this to yourself?" I couldn't agree more, Rosy. Thanks for adding this. It's so revealing when we can see how we are doing this to ourselves.
Thanks Jane, you are such an inspiration to us all
What a beautiful message, a true blessing
I feel it has taken so many years of personal growth and alot of pain and tears to truly understand the universal lesson of truly loving oneself, and trust me when I say it's a never ending lesson
But with time patience compassion and acceptance it does get a little easier each time
The lesson of letting go of people and situation when they are no longer for our highest good is a tough one, very challenging indeed
But if you just sit still and be in the moment in time you understand why things didn't work out at the time
There is not a right or wrong process here just have to go through all the experiences necessary to get to a place of self love no matter what is happening around you
Thanks again Jane, love reading all ghd messages they make me feel great!
Blessings
Rosy
So glad, Rosy - and oh how true! Thank you! 🙂
Jane thank you for the wonderful words of wisdom today. You must have ESP, because it came so perfectly on time. I'm truly getting in touch with me and what is important to ME. Something I truly have never taken the time to. Self confidence in just being who you are, never feeling like you are good enough - sometimes we never realize it. It's interesting. Self esteem and confidence walk hand and hand, yet sometimes we don't even know that we lack it. Thank you fro being on time once again and bringing things to mind to ponder.
So glad this is resonating with you, Denise; it's so true. And you're seeing this connection for yourself more clearly all the time! You're so welcome; no ESP, just a sense of the pieces of the puzzle that took me so long to see 🙂
Jane you are an Angel your email arrived in my mailbox just in time . Its been really hard for me to let go .I now have more strength !!
So glad, Julie; thank you for your sweet words. That beautiful strength is always there inside you; sometimes just in need of that timely reminder that helps us to recognize it for ourselves. 🙂
Perfect timing! Like an angel sent from above to remind me just in time where I stand. It's been over 5 months that i've been in this hot and cold ummm thing? not sure if I can even call it "relationship". When he's with me he acts like he really likes me and he'll even say it to me but then he will disappear. He wasnt getting anything out of it in the beginning and he was still there, it took him like 4 months to actually get in my pants. He would get very close to me one day and then run away and say things such as "I've been really busy" or "I can be very complicated" and there was always a lame excuse for his disappearance. It's been really hard to let go but as I read your emails every day, I feel stronger and closer to cutting the cord. Thank you.
And so you're finding out what his comfort level is and what he can and can't live with, Tati. The question now is what can you?
Thank you for your kind words; I'm so glad these are resonating with you.
Thank you much. May God bless you for all that you are doing to make us live better happier lives. Today's article was also timely for me. I keep wondering why he has to call just when am letting go of him. And then the same circle occurs. I keep doing the two steps forward and one step back. I wish I could just tell him that its over but every time he calls my hopes are raised. I know exactly what I should do but just can't do it.
Thank you, Pamela; I'm so glad this resonated with you. 🙂 They always call "just when you're letting go of him" because somehow they always seem to sense this; they always seem to know. Of course you get your hopes up; you so want it to be! Trust yourself; when it's time, you'll know because you won't be able to do this anymore.
Thank you Jane, like the others on here who say your email came at exactly the right moment, it also arrived in my inbox at exactly the right moment that I needed it to! I thank God for you Jane, you totally understand what I'm thinking and feeling and you keep reminding me I'm fine as I am. There's still a part of me that doesn't believe that though. I HATE my low self esteem!!! Why do I feel like I'm the crazy one and the guy is fine the way he is?! It's so frustrating! Earlier today this was my thinking : What if....because I've put so much effort into pleasing guys, since the age of 16 (I'm now 43) God is trying to tell me I've actually to stay single for the rest of my life? What if I'm so damaged by previous experiences with dating that I will never be able to recognise a healthy man when he IS put on my path? How will I know? I feel stuck right now...giving my attention to a guy who is just like all the rest..I envy you Jane, I wish I knew what to do for the best 🙁
You won't be single for the rest of your life. I know what that feels like, to think that. That's one of the first things we have to get rid of. This kind of thinking doesn't serve us. We are wonderful women. We just have to dig deeper into ourselves and start getting rid of all our detrimental beliefs. Lots of love to you.
Thank you this article came at a good time
It's still hard I do want to let go
You're so welcome, Shirley. And you will, when you're ready, when you can no longer excuse away what's really going on, you will!
Three words only in response to this article....THANK YOU JANE 🙂
Oh you're so welcome, Realist. I'm so glad this resonated with you! Thank you! 🙂
Oh the Universe. It always astounds me how much he knows and how perfect it is. It knew exactly when to send this email to my inbox. I was spiralling down there again. I made the mistakes, maybe if I hadn't made them, he would be with me, maybe if I had, if I hadn't.... Man, I was about to cry. Then I read this. The Universe through Jane saying: stop. You know it doesn't matter. It is what it is and he was never right for you. That's the truth. I was never going to be enough anyway because he had issues to deal with himself long before I showed up. He wasn't over his ex, there was another girl he was into as well. He just never saw me. And he still hasn't because I have been too afraid to show who I truly am because I have never felt like I am good enough as I am. It terrifies me to be vulnerable and to trust him. There was never space for me in his life. His heart and mind were too far away for him to even see me. And here I am still hoping for impossibles. Here I am thinking of him, feeling like I can rescue him from all this mess he's in. I had no clue I was so drawn to fixer uppers. It is a trigger. I get triggered to help and rescue. How sad is that? I have abandoned myself to rescue men. When they can take care of themselves and prefers the ones who are not truly there for them because they're too busy being happy with their own lives. Meanwhile I am juggling, walking on eggshells trying to be sexy enough, smart enough, kind enough and funny enough for him to notice me and all he sees is a good friend he talks to every once in a while. It is just so sad and stupid that I allow this to happen. Sometimes I have clarity, but then I fall right back in there. All by myself. It just feels so silly. And he's so oblivious. Why is it so hard for me to understand with every fiber of my being that he's just not right for me? When will I not feel anything for him? I can't wait to get out of this.
Oh I hear you, Angel. All of it. It is sad. But it's real. It's always that two steps forward, one step back dance we do so well. It's ok! It's not stupid, it's how we learn something different that's been so programmed to be our trigger that starts our dance all over again. The more you see, the closer you come to the last time you'll ever need to see it again. Some of us can go cold turkey and be done. I never, ever could. As many times as I needed to, I had to be reminded by my own futile efforts to try that one last time that was never one last time. It took us a long time to learn to live like this, we can't expect to unlearn it or embrace something new over night. But the more you see it for yourself, the more something clicks. The more you see it for what it is. The more you see you for what you are - and what you're worth. Keep showing up, keep asking the questions. You'll get there, you're already seeing this more than you did before. 🙂
I literally broke up with my boyfriend yesterday as I came realise that he isn't good enough for me. Completely unreliable in everyway which made me so anxious all the time. Never knowing where I stood with him. He wasn't willing to change and so ultimately not good for me. Took me a long time to see it (2years) but everyone around me knew way before me. Put it this way my dad doesn't even know his name, just calls him "waste of space".
Reading your article today, confirms to me that I made the right decision. I was def a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Took a lot of courage to do what I did, and not feeling too great a the mo. But I do hope that one day I will find the right person for me, at the right time. Thank you Jane.
That you came to this on your own is huge, Zoe. Don't minimize that part. We're usually the last to see what everyone else sees so clearly. Do you see how you could have accepted this and labeled yourself "anxious"? It's how we judge and label ourselves so many ways until we become the labels we assign. No, you're not anxious; you were with someone whose behavior brought out this anxiety in you. When you recognize that, you free yourself, you throw off what isn't yours - the judgement, the label - and become confident again. It absolutely took a lot of courage! And of course it's disappointing and sad and whatever other emotions you're feeling right now, but that just shows how much you can love and feel and care about someone even when they don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. But now you don't have to be "anxious all the time", now you're free to be who you really are and find someone who's looking for the same thing you are - with you. You're so welcome!
I just thank you for being here Jane, love you!
Aw, you're so welcome, Vanessa. Thank you! 🙂 We're not meant to go through what we do alone!
WOW!!! This was for me. I recently left a 20 year marriage because I finally realized that I was the only one in the ring fighting for my marriage. After sevral years single I decided to try my hand at dating and OMG did I find myself making the same mistake. Overlooking the red flags, kept giving more and more of myself hoping he would see how valuable I was but when in reality all he saw was what he was getting satisfaction for. After a few weeks reading your blog I walked away from him. No more conversations, explanations or one more chance. I just went totally silent and disappeared because I knew that if I allowed even a crack in the that door it would be more of the same. I finally realize that it was not me and there was nothing I needed to change about myself to make him want me. It is his loss because I am learning that I am great just the way I am and no longer willing to be something different for every man I meet. I takes too much energy to try and maintain anything other than my awesome original self.
Exactly, Terri! Be so proud of yourself for seeing this. It's the last thing we want to believe. But as you discovered, you can't be the only one "in the ring". But first, of course, we have to be open to seeing when we're the only one and that's the hardest part of all!
"It takes too much energy to try and maintain anything other than my awesome original self." - Absolutely!
Jane,
I am humiliated, angry and very hurt. I'm the typical story of the mistress. We were together 10 years and then he got divorced, we've been together 6 years since the divorce. Last week for his 61st birthday I asked him what he really wanted in life. His response....to date me and be able to date other women! You can only imagine how this hurt me. I told him I was not okay with that scenario, I set my phone stop watch to 5 minutes and told him to decide if he wanted us. Of course, he said he did not want to lose me.
It took a couple of short days to know in my gut that I can't keep this up. We have broken up 3 times in the last 6 years, always because he wants to sleep around. Not build a relationship, but sleep with other women.
Hugging me as he walked out the door he said "You know I really do love you".
Why is it that those of us who are the "other woman" always think the relationship will be different. Why did I waste so many years knowing that "once a cheater, always a cheater!"
I told him I appreciated his honesty and sent him on his way....now my heart is so heavy.
U re brave... Wish i had half d ability to do what u did. Mayb i do but i am yet to do it. It might hurt now,.but on d long run you ll b grateful u did. We all deserve more.
Because that's the beautiful dreamers we are, Melanie. So full of hope, so full of believing in someone's potential that only we can see, that we let ourselves defy all logic and common sense for that hope of the "dream". He allowed you to have that dream, to keep it alive, to keep that candle burning. It's hard to give up that kind of ending that seems so close, if only in our fairytale ending. When it has all the components of a real life fairytale, it's the hardest to give up, the hardest to see for the reality that it is instead. Now it's your turn to see. To become truly free. To trade what you had from him in the form of a fantasy for the real love of a relationship based in reality instead.
It's not an easy thing to come down from, and I suspect that's the heaviness you feel. We can live for years on a dream. Reality can seem so unexciting. But the reward, of a love that loves you back, that loves only you, that you can touch and feel instead of only hope for, is so much better in the end. We have to retrain ourselves to see it, we have to get used to a different kind of feeling than we've been used to. But when we get our heads and our hearts around it, we see it all in such a different light. There's only one kind of love; the reality-based kind. No amount of someone's potential can ever equal that!
Oh Jane, u always send d mails just when i need it. I am in a relationship presently and i just don't think its what i want. Before it all started, i was friends with him.. shared virtually everything with him( I ll call him Toby) . I knew he wanted to date me even when we were friends but i didn't think he was goin to b it 4 me. Now, he is my boyfriend. Mayb i am asking for much but i realised wat i need is a guy who will b crazy over me like i am over him. Who can't stay without talking to me a whole day. Who says sorry and means it. Toby is not that way with me, d truth is i feel if i decide to end things with him he won't try to stop me. Also, i have this thoughts "what if i'm wrong about his feelings for me" what if i need to take him d way he is. He tells me he loves me but i need to take him d way i see him. He once told me if i couldn't cope, i should walk. I used to b so confident with him, but since we started dating i lost control of my self. I let myself go. I was just thinking about the relationship when i got your mail. Please, what do i do?? Should i just believe he loves me even if he doesn't love me the way i want to b loved. Am i being slefish?? Should i walk away from it all.. Even though it will hurt?? Whenever he does something and i complain, he apologises but the apologies seem to me like he just wants to shut me up and stop me from making an issue of it.
You're the only one who knows what you can live with and what you can't, Jossel. Is what you have with him, what you get from him and from this relationship worth what you don't get? Are any of these behaviors dealbreakers for you? Would focusing on your own life and filling your own cup full so that what he does or doesn't do wouldn't matter so much, make a difference? You do what you can live with, what brings you the greatest sense of peace and calm, what leaves you with the least amount of regrets.
If the answers aren't clear, ask yourself what you would say to your future daughter if she was describing this same situation to you and asking you what you though she should do. It's not selfish to want to be with someone who's on the same page as you and is looking for the same thing you are.
The one clear red flag that stands out for me is anytime someone says "if i couldn't cope, i should walk." How did you take that? That's usually another way of saying, I'm not going to change, so if you don't like it, that's your problem.
Write down your pros and cons of being with him vs. not being with him. Sometimes, it's in seeing the relationship for what it is written on paper, we can see things more clearly. Trust yourself, trust your intuition. The answers are always there if we are open to seeing them. Somehow, someway, we always know.
I love seeing your mails in my inbox. You write like you are reading my thoughts at that very moment. Thank you!
+1
Thanks, Wayne.
Thank you, Suzanne. This means so much!
When guy goes distant n says he will talk/txt me but some don't. With the last guy he acted distant coz of bus busy schedule n there was times he said will talk to me n there would be times he says he will but he doesn't n he made excuses like sorry I was out with some mates or was too tired so I went to bed early, when he didn't come online n says he would that kept me waiting n waiting thinking why isn't he online, So I waited n waited n never came online, so then txt him in the morning saying "what happened to u last nite" there was times I wanted to see him more but he didn't have the time coz he was flat out everyday with work n gigs, 1 time he said "I don't have time to talk but I will let u know by txt" n I was the 1 txting saying "when will we talk next" everyday until he gives me a date/time n there was times that he said idk yet, I will let u know. I really liked him, Jan 14 I was really sad he deleted me off FB n I gave a txt saying why did u delete me, can we still be friends :(, he never answered by txts n felt upset, it took me 5 attempts to give him a friend request. When I gave him a request I would hope he accepts it but he declined every request. So on 19 Jan 14 I was lucky I got to watch him do a gig in the park n he talked to me briefly n had to leave. In Feb he ended it as in friends but I never wanted to end it. So I left him alone til his birthday 10 Jul n he replied "thanks..." N I was expecting him to say more but never did
I plan on giving him Xmas greetings on 22 Dec 14 via FB n wait for a reply back, if he continues to talk I will talk to him on messenger. If he hasn't addded me by 9 Jan 15 I will add him, hoping he accepts the friend request n replies.
When he declined my friend requests n didnt answer my txts 4x a day I thought am I too clingy & needy and My heart said try n win him back by getting your friends to getting u too back together as friends. So when he said he wanted to be left alone which I did my heart said leave him alone n wait til Xmas n next year, maybe this year wasn't the year for us n that this year is a year when 2 friends take a break from each other, maybe everything goes well next year, this quote came In my head "the more u leave them alone the beta they come back to u" wheras the more u don't leave them alone they will never come back" my heart told me "u know he's busy around this time of the year coz of experience from last year when he acted distant n was someone who was interested - not interested"
I'm gonna listen n follow my heart
You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, Courtney, remember that. It doesn't matter who he is, if he's not on the same page as you, looking for the same thing as you are - and with you - everything else pales in comparison. You deserve to be loved by someone who's looking for exactly who you are and all that you have to offer. It won't take all this thought and effort. That's how you'll know!
So, I just really messed up a 3rd date I was really excited for. Two amazing dates, and a fun planned one for the 3rd.
He came to my place to get me, and came up for a second or two. I said I had not planned on having him up, but gave him the tour, so did not make him feel welcome at my place. We went on our way to see a show. That was fine. After we went to a drink at a place I suggested and it seemed really good. I shared that I was glad we were getting to know each other, enjoyed my time with him, and saw him as a gift. I shared some of my interests etc. And he seemed to feel happy to meet someone also shared diverse interests. I also joked about my boobs when we talked about what we sleep in. He drove me home, and kissed me goodbye, and said talk soon.
Then I did not hear from him. and I thought about what I said and I am deeply ashamed:
A. I did not make him feel welcome in my home ( and I was a tease by mentioning my boobs)
B. He was soooo great at making me feel taken care of, but seemed somewhat not great at letting himself be taken care of. So I mentioned that all the energy was directed at me, but I wanted an in to give as well. He said he asked me to do things he also enjoyed doing
C. I mentioned I was embarking at becoming a tour guide in my local town. I said I would be making up my own tours, and that if I still knew him in January, he could be my guinea pig. He laughed at that
D. I spoke negatively about a work situation
E. I said there was a group of people I did not like engaging with because everyone is looking for husbands and the guys looking for numbers.
So, I scared him away. I ran him away with my neediness... I feel terrible. Please help!
I am so ashamed at this. I was needy, demanding, did not ask questions. I was a terrible date. No wonder he disappeared. I am surprised we got to 3 dates with how aweful I was.
I don't see why you're ashamed. Firstly, it's your home. You decide who and when you let someone in. You don't know this guy well. I doubt he's even thinking about that.
Secondly, men when they're dating love taking care of a woman. Hate being taken care of. Taking care of them is counter intuitive for them. Just get good at receiving. When you're in a relationship then you can get closer and give much more to him. Still I doubt he's thinking about that.
Why is C. a problem? There's none.
D. Is a normal thing. Men do that too. It's something to talk about with discretion but it's doable. He won't care anyway.
E. Are you sure you're not engaging with them because of that? Why exactly did you mention it?
That's ok. It doesn't matter.
My point is you didn't do anything wrong. Just watch out for the energy you are sending. Men sense it when we are insecure. Another thing worth considering is that men do this disappearing for a bit by nature. It is not a big deal. In the meantime remind yourself you don't know him well enough to know if he's even worth your time. You haven't done anything wrong here. Go out and meet other guys even if it's just for fun. Like Jane and so many other great coaches advice. Meet several men, get to know them all. Just take your time to get to know them better and then choose the best one.
Thank you for your response angel.
I felt fine during the date. It was after that I started to make up this list of transgressions.
I get that men like to provide, but I am not interested in getting without an ability to give back (at least a little). I understand the getting comfortable with it, but it can feel smothering when it is not reciprocal. More importantly, in this situation it ended up feeling like I could not learn more about him because he was so focused on me.
On the work thing, had spoken always positively up to that point and only said it was a large project with a lot of work,
Why did I mention the group - I said that sometime being single has led me to women that speak negatively about men. I said I distanced myself from that because of it, then I used that group as an example. He then shared a story where he had distanced himself from a friend because of the same thing.
As to insecure, I am getting really tired and defensive about this. I am not always super confident. I am just not and all this pressure that I need to be confident and perfect all the time is really overwhelming me. Just thinking about it is making me cry. That is how I came up with the list.
I did not show up my best self, but I did not realize it until after and when he disappeared. I am so ashamed that I did not bring out the best in me or him. And I feel like I missed out on someone great as a result. Did I do anything horrible, maybe not and I am clearly not owning some of the good stuff I did (like be warm and complimentary and high energy and asked him about stuff), but I feel like I overshared and missed out on something good.
Oh girl. I so understand the getting defensive about the confidence thing. The same happens to me. Today I was about to cry about it too. We are so harsh on ourselves. Go easy on your heart. You are perfect already even with the insecurities and we all have them. I have a billion. lol. Just breathe in and think of yourself for a moment. You need love and understanding. Give yourself that. From here I am sending you a bit of the peace I finally got to feel right now cause this afternoon I was feeling defeated. We are wonderful women and we have power in us. We have it already. We just have to remember. And remember: you don't know him very well yet. Don't give him so much power. Lots of love to you
I am not going to be getting to know him. He seems to be gone, and since I was so good at expressing my interest, I feel like I would simply be begging to be rejected by reaching out to him at all.
The first dates were so fun, and now I feel like I was not appreciative enough to add to all of this - eventhough I thanked him for the show he took me to, and told him how much I was enjoying his company and getting to know him.
I just can't stop feeling like I really messed up something good with verbal diahreah. While he did not flee the date or anything, I feel like because he was so confident, that I came across as totally needy and a mess, which is not true.
It's the feeling of shame that's at the root of what's going on here, Disappointed. Shake that ashamed feeling off of you; it's not yours to hold onto. You're human! We all say and do things we regret. But if someone is truly right for you, truly compatible for you in all the ways that matter, they'll love your sense of humor, they'll find your little idiosyncrasies endearing, and they'll understand that sometimes we all have an off day, or something to vent about, or something that triggers us, or have some strong feelings about some friends of group of friends who get on our nerves.
You only want to be with someone who understands this - and accepts you're not perfect! - because that will mean he understands that he's human, too! Don't be so hard on yourself here. If he was someone else who was right for you, he would have been fine with everything you mention here - and would have contacted you again, too. And then you would never have put yourself through what you're putting yourself through right now, and your self-esteem and self-confidence would have been intact. Do you see that? You simply can't scare someone away unless they want to be scared away, unless they're not on the same page as you, unless they're not looking for who you are - and then you don't want them either! You only want someone who wants to be with you.
I know it's the easiest go-to thing we do to ourselves to blame ourselves and shame ourselves for what we "should" have known better and done differently, but that does so much more damage than anything anyone else can do to us. Do this differently next time if you choose to, but don't do it because of someone else, do it because it's what you want to do differently for yourself.
This is exactly why I wrote this post - to remind us all not to take things so personally but to see things as places and people we belong with, and places and people where we don't. I know it's hard for us to simplify our "rejections" like this, but it's nothing more personal that this.
Jane,
Thank you. But what if you did not show up as your best self? How do you forgive yourself for that. How do I get over feeling like I ruined something potentially good by doing things I know I shouldn't do. I just brought my B- game and not my A+ game.
Do you really believe that you can't do the wrong thing with the right person. You can show up however you do and they will still want you? Don't you have to earn that by being perfect and confident and then show your human side?
There's nothing you need to earn, Disappointed. I don't just believe it, I live it. And I see it proven time and time again. By people who only bring their true selves - imperfect, and oh so human. Yes, you can show up however you do and they will still want you. That's the beauty of being with someone who's right for you. We only think we missed out on the best thing because it's so strong a story we've been told that we keep on telling it to ourselves until it becomes our own story.
But it's not. It's a cultural one. You show your human side all the time. Over time, that human side becomes perfect and confident in your own right. Not anyone else's definition of perfect and confident, but the kind that comes from you loving yourself, accepting yourself, having compassion for yourself for being exactly who you are and where you are on this journey.
That's the beauty of this; the more yourself you are, the more the people that are right for you will be able to clearly see you!
Jane, I get overwhelmed by my flaws when I think about them. I am moody, needy, bossy, snarky, judgy, mean, overwhelming, loud, direct and all sorts of other things. They are terrible and I am ashamed of them - I do not even know where to start to love those things about me.
They're not terrible, Disappointed, they're not flaws. They're either behaviors you learned that are trying to tell you something, or they're what you took on because someone else convinced you they were you. If you turn them around, they're nothing to be ashamed of; they're qualities to embrace and love about yourself because there's such a beautiful other side of them! I wrote a post about this called "what if ..." that I talk about in much more detail in my course as well. You start right where you are with accepting all of you. If you want to change something about yourself, do it for you, not for anyone else. But do it with love, not with this sense of shame and loathing. You deserve nothing less than to be loved for you.
It's very easy to get caught up in one's imagination and think the other person is a God-like figure that holds the power to make us worthy. No matter how attractive, et al they are ... don't hand them the keys to abuse you by what they do or don't do.
Amen.
Well said, Jackie. Thank you!
As Angel said. Amen to that.