One of our beautiful readers, who has called herself AV, sent me an email with several questions regarding texting vs. calling, how to know if he'll commit, and when to be intimate.
I've heard similar questions from so many of you at different times that I thought this would be a great chance to address each of these common topics in one post.
Her questions:
Hello Jane,
First of all I want to say that I love your articles!
I have some question about dating a new guy and I need your advice.
- What to do if he keeps texting and not calling? I mean if the communication is through messages and facebook. I thought of calling him back when he texts me to show him that I prefer calling but I never did it because I thought that maybe I disturb him. And maybe he feels the same I don't know. I don't want the texting to stop, I just want him to also call me.
- How can I test him somehow that he wants a relationship? And that he is not afraid of a committed relationship? We are dating for a month. I really like him. I am afraid because of other guys I was dating and who were very enthusiastic and then for some reasons they didn't feel like it. I never understood what made the process cold down.
- Can you give me general guidelines about sex? I want him but I am afraid. I don't want him to lose interest.
Thanks a lot in advance
AV
My Response:
Thank you, AV. I'm so glad you're getting so much out of my articles! Your questions are some of the same topics that come up so often in my coaching sessions and in the comments and letters I receive here, so I'm happy to answer them here for you.
1.) If he's only texting and not calling
The most important thing to remember when you're dating someone new, is that you really don't know him well enough yet to know if he is "all that". We can be so quick to put someone on a pedestal simply because of the potential we see in them, or some trigger they've set off in us – or because of an aloofness they give off that gives us the impression they can take or leave us. That's when we start to forget about what we bring to the table.
So when you say you thought of calling him back to let him know you prefer calling, but you didn't want to disturb him, think about that statement for a moment. What you're really saying here assumes that you could possibly disturb him and puts you in the position of deferring to him, instead of coming to this new relationship from a position of your own power. So I want to address this point as much as your actual question.
If he's only texting you and not doing any calling, there's a reason for this. It's because it's what's he comfortable with and it's what works for him. Most likely he's discovered that texting allows him to be more emotionally distant than calling, and that's why he's choosing to communicate this way with you at this point in your relationship.
It makes sense that you want to talk via phone instead, because it's hard to get to know someone solely through texting or social media.
There's only so much you can get a feel for someone without actually talking to them. And of course, he knows this, too. But if this is what's working for him and what he's comfortable with, then he has no reason to change this unless you let him know you'd like to talk to him over the phone by saying something like "I personally prefer getting to know someone over the phone as well as by text", and see if anything changes.
If he starts to call you, then you know that what you have to say - and your preferences – matter to him. If nothing changes, then you know what he prefers and now you have a better understanding of why this is.
It could also be the case that this is how he prefers to communicate only in the very beginning as he likes to take his time getting to know you better, and that he will begin to call you on his own as time goes by.
If he continues to only text you, then you can decide whether this is going to work for you going forward or not. When you can take your own time to get to know him and always remember in the back of your mind that this is the stage where all you're doing is deciding whether he's worth getting to know better, you'll have an easier time not jumping ahead of yourself before you really know who you're getting involved with.
This includes deciding if he is worthy of you and all you have to offer; not the other way around.
2.) How to "test" him
You don't ever need – or want - to "test" someone to see if they want to be in a relationship or a committed relationship. Time will always tell.
What you do want to do is take your time getting to know someone well enough so that you can observe who they are and what they're all about before jumping to any conclusions about them being the "one" for you.
This is where so many of us miss the perfect opportunity to really see if someone is consistent in their behavior and if they are really compatible with us in the ways that matter, because we get so caught up in the feelings they elicit in us that we focus on everything except the things that matter!
Like how they treat us, like how they treat others, like what their true character reveals about them, like how reliable and consistent their words are with their actions, and most of all, how emotionally available they are to have a relationship with you in the first place.
There is simply no substitute for time. Time always reveals someone's intentions, their true nature, and their very ability to be in a committed relationship if we allow that time to unfold naturally on its own. But so often we don't! Our impatience, our anxiety, our need to know gets the better of us and we want to know sooner, rather than later. So we push for more, we rush in, we give away far too much of our hearts and souls – not to mention our sacred bodies – to someone who should never be trusted with what we're so quick to entrust them with!
A final word on this one is that if you feel the need to "test" him, there's probably something you're picking up on that's giving you reason to feel that he might not commit that you need some kind of a test to know where he stands – because he's not giving you enough of himself to figure this out naturally. This is a huge red flag. With someone who's on your page, it will flow easily and you won't have to wonder; he'll want to make sure you know.
3.) What about sex?
And finally, what to do about the question of sex!
I'm so glad you brought this up, AV, because there are so many misconceptions around this subject. If/when, how soon, how to know if you're ready, how long to wait, and all those other questions we wonder about in this confusing time when we have every "right" to have sex as much and as often as we want, but when the repercussions of exercising that right are never what we're prepared for after the fact.
The reality is that we women are affected on a far deeper level than we ever think we're going to be when we give ourselves away sexually.
We may think it will bring us closer together; that it will take it out of the question and allow us to really get to know someone better, but it rarely works that way.
Too often, regardless of how we planned to handle the when and how, we get caught up in the moment and end up becoming more intimate than we ever intended to. And when we realize after the fact that we're not on the same page as we thought we were with someone and they are no longer as interested in us as they used to be, the way we treat ourselves, the way we beat ourselves up for not being stronger or waiting longer only makes us feel worse than we already do about ourselves.
The answer is to first get clear with yourself on what you can live with and what you can't and don't let anyone talk you into anything you're not sure about.
Wait as long as you need to know for sure that he's not just looking for sex from you. If you have any doubt at all that someone could lose interest in you because you've become intimate with them, don't go there. Any doubt.
This is where your gut instincts kick in. You need to be comfortable with having a conversation with him about birth control and STD protection because those are realities that are all too real. It's the loving thing to do to protect yourself, even if he isn't worried about these things.
Don't rush it.
When you wait instead until you've gotten to know someone well enough to know that he's on the same page as you – not just because he says he is or you want to believe he is, but because he shows you by his consistent actions and behavior over time that he is, you will be so much better off for waiting.
This isn't about what anyone else's timeline is; this is about you. And while I understand there are no guarantees that someone won't still surprise you after you've become intimate with him, the longer you wait, the more you get to know him better, the less chance there is of him only being out for one thing. Guys that are only looking for one thing don't last very long.
The bottom line, AV, is that if he really is all that, he won't balk at your slowing things down to take your time to get to know him better. He'll respect you more for it. Any other response will tell you everything else you need to know.
I hope this helps give you some clarity.
Love,
Jane
What do you have to add? These questions AV has asked about are some of the same ones so many of us struggle with. I'd love to hear your thoughts and what you've found to resonate with you in your own experiences. Share them with us here in the comments.
I dated a guy for 6 months and all he would do is text me obsessively. i told him i appreciated the texts/sms but i would love it if he could call me.
His response to me was "it cant be forced"
That showed me ALOT about his personality and after a day or so of thinking about what i needed i called him up and told him i wanted to break up with him. That was a year ago and i look back and am so proud of myself that i let him go although i nearly cried for a year. He was a very unhealthy person and my instincts kept telling me not to trust him!
Anyway a year later i met a beautiful man, we dated for a while and he used to naturally and automatically call me a few times a day just to chat and see how my day was going.
Its funny how you ask for something in one relationship and it may come to fruition in another relationship that is more right for you.
Dating this way has taught me how to observe men and their actions which eventually leads to the right one! Its amazing, Love your advice Jane!
hi msis Jane
help me am in relationship with someone but i want to break it up because she is lie me most of the time, i try to break such relationship i can't but because she always in my mind help me i want to take step.
Find your answer within you, Kenneth. Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who "lies to you most of the time". What makes someone who can treat you like this attractive to you? That's where you'll find the strength to break the relationship if that's really what you want to do. But first, you have to want to.
Hello Jane, I need your precious advice. I feel so bad :
After a one year long distance relationship, and after showing many signs of non-commitment and acting distant, a man broke up with me on facebook saying that maybe we will meet in another life when no distance shall be anymore between us. In a very poetic way. I was so hurt because we had plans to meet in different cities in the world, but in his message he made it clear that he didnt' want to make this effort anymore. I was so upset but so mad, that I didn't reply anything but blocked him immediately as a reaction to his message. My reaction was very violent, because I was so disgusted by the way he did the ending.
2 weeks later while I was still expecting something exceptional, I received a very short e-mail form him asking : "Are you ok? please give me your news". I didn't reply because I felt that he avoiding to be direct, he was only being polite without being sincere and he was acting as if nothing happened. He seemed so coward. Why would he speak so politely and so distant? Is it only because he felt guilty? I didn't reply either.
2 other weeks later he sent another mail saying almost the same thing, : "It's been a long time i haven't heard from you. I hope all is well".
Does this mean he doesn't know the reason why I blocked him? Maybe he thinks that I am the one who broke up? I am so hurt that he didn't ask a direct question in his e-mails (such as, what happened? did I upset you?, why did you block me? Is there any misunderstanding? why can't we talk? etc...). His e mails are so cold. It's been one month now without any message from him.
What should I do?
maybe he thinks I am the one who broke up?
Maybe he thinks that I am being rude (I am saying this because after he sent me his first e-mail, he closed his own facebook profile so nobody can see it anymore)
Do his e-mail mean that he really wants me back?
or do I have to wait for a clear and direct messages?
If he really wants me back is there still any chance he would still contact me even though I have blocked him ? would the blocking stop him?
You always say Jane that if he ever changes his mind, i will be the first one to know. right? Does this apply even if I have blocked him?
why do I feel that I am the one who is supposed to fix things, while he is the one who should be doing it? If he wanted to fix this, shouldn't he insist more?
Please tell me Jane. I need your wisdom. Can the other readers can give me their comments too.
From my perspective, this person that you rightfully chose to break up with is sending you these little message in a very malicious way and unknowingly (or knowingly, who knows really whats going on inside of his head) is being very selfish.
"After a one year long distance relationship, and after showing many signs of non-commitment and acting distant, a man broke up with me on facebook saying that maybe we will meet in another life when no distance shall be anymore between us."
Poetic or otherwise, it appears that the two of you were not on the same page (in Jane's parlance) with respect to where the final destination to your relationship between the two of you would be. Breaking up is breaking up. Whether you send it via text, email, phone, face-to-face or through mental telepathy, one person is choosing to cease all emotional engagement with the other person.
Him sending those messages is not only rude but its also disrespectful to you as a person and quite frankly, as a guy, I'd like to apologize on behalf of all of us men for his behavior. It really is inappropriate. It's like he's some kind of mental sadist IMHO. You don't send messages "It's been a long time. I haven't heard from you. I hope all is well." I ask you rhetorically: What's the point?
There simply is none. Trust me, I recognize that in the time that you did have in your relationship, regardless of how much time you were actually together with this person (given that that geographical constraints kept the two of you apart) you are (or were) emotionally invested pretty heavily with this guy and this relationship. But anybody who not only fails to meet up to your expectations of what you wanted out of the relationship but is now showing such a strange other side of himself by sending messages that are meant to make you believe he cares about how well you're doing after the break up (but I really think his true intentions are otherwise) is not somebody you want to be with in the end. Find yourself somebody who can treat you the way you want to be treated, show you with his actions what he says and loves you the way you want to be loved and you'll be far better off than trying to resolve and act on incorrect feelings/information and try to get back together with this guy.
Please excuse the error at the start of my response. I typed you broke up with him when it was the other way around. Please accept my apologies for that oversight.
I think she had some great questions, and I agree with your answers . To me someone giving there time is very important in a relationship , it shows that they care and if there giving you time then I'm sure it's because they enjoy being with you . If there not then maybe it's an issue they are having within there self. I feel that spending time together is very important to get to know each other and if you have things in common , if you connect .. then later if you feel the time is right and you connect and the timing is good then you consider having sex.
When somebody is up to it he will find the way. If he's not, he will find an excuse. This guy was too much trouble anyway...either he just treated you as an option, while he was dating others ( very common in the beginning of a relationship), or his life is just too much of a mess to be in a relationship anyway. He needs to get that fixed first.
Any person who can only text and not call is not worth your time. In desperation of the need for the possibility of companionship it seems we are accepting anything we can get from another human being. It saddens me to think things have come to this. Don't have sex with people you don't know well, and don't let people only communicate via written technology. When we begin to treat ourselves well others will do the same. They will know that anything less is unacceptable.
This article hit on point with what I'm dealing with right now. This new guy I've been seeing was great in the beginning. We seemed to really connect and even the weather seemed in unison with us. When he kept asking me to go with him out of town to a competition , I felt anxiety ...I should have listened to myself. Now everything's changed. I wasn't ready and he'd promised he wouldn't try anything. I feel awful now. 🙁 I feel like I just don't want to see him ever again, and yet at the same time I felt that bonding closeness that makes me miss him...when I don't think I really even do! I'm so inwardly confused and conflicted. And to make the emotion of it worse, he doesn't seem to care at all that I'm struggling. So I feel used and abandoned. How do I love myself again ... I don't wanna feel this way.... :,(
Awesome advice! And I so feel for AV because I'm in the same boat. This guy has been texting me on and off for about 2 years. I finally told him that I needed a phone call because we should be at that comfortable enough pace for that type of exchange. Great! He calls-consistently, but that's it, nothing more, no date set up, no let's meet up unless there's an underlying "sleep over" undertone. So I just want to know why he continues to call if this will go nowhere, it's aggravating. Well, I've decided to plug him into the friend zone and move on after reading "with someone who's on your page, it will flow easily and you won't have to wonder; he'll want to make sure you know". So true!! Thanks for that reminder~
As a guy, I'll put in my two cents on the first two items. I'm not one to be leaving advice or suggestions on item #3, so I'll just say stick with what Jane has to say on this one (and since having been working with her in disengaging from a very challenging relationship with an emotionally unavailable woman--and she's been very helpful in her coaching so I'll highly recommend retaining her help) is that if a guy really wants to speak with you, he'll be calling you. Now granted as Jane mentions with regards to #1 that perhaps it's his comfort zone, but I can certainly say as a 48 year old guy that he should be calling and not solely relying upon text messages.
Using short text messages are great for confirming a date and getting together, they are NOT in my opinion a substitute for speaking on the phone to have a conversation to see how the day went and asking each other questions due to the very fact that it's like getting an email: You don't get any sort of feedback from their tone of voice and the way they construct their words and things of that nature. It's simply too sterile. And, after having been in what will hopefully be my first and last relationship with an emotionally unavailable (herein referred to as an "EU" person), texting as Jane mentions is a way for an EU to keep themselves at a distance, which is what is exactly what they want.
As for #2, Jane is spot on. Time will tell whether if this guy is going to be emotionally available (herein referred to as an "EA") as opposed to an EU and as such you really don't need to test them. I wish I'd known about EU's before I became fully committed emotionally with my own EU because it is one of the most difficult and painful relationships to disengage from since you've essentially committed yourself in your entirety but have gotten nothing back on the emotional side, which over time as Jane says will allow the physical aspect to develop and follow suit naturally. If this guy is pressuring at any time within the first couple of months, he's got no class.
Pay attention to how he behaves, make sure that his words and actions align with one another and you'll know soon enough if you have an EA with whom you can really grow to know if you're truly compatible with in all the right ways to have a loving and lasting relationship. And if you need help navigating it, work with Jane.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you, Eric. Great to have your male perspective on these points!
One other item I forgot to mention. I realize I'm taking this out of context, but AV said " but I never did it [tell him of her desire to be speaking on the phone or calling him] because I thought that maybe I disturb him. " Let me say this, in business and in personal relationships, even with the EU I'm working to disengage from, getting a call from her (or in your case you calling him at what might potentially be a bad moment) at an inopportune moment is easy to handle. You simply ignore the call or the phone is on silent mode. If somebody is going to get upset at you for calling at a moment when the time wasn't right, they can always exercise the option to NOT answer the call. Period. Simple as that. Now, if my EU calls me at a bad moment, I'll simply call back when the moment has passed. And as Jane has told me, if the relationship truly was meant to be, whereby both of you are on the same page as to where you want the relationship to go and where you both are in that relationship at that given moment, you really can't be doing anything, even calling at an inopportune moment. So don't be afraid to voice your preferences early on until boundaries are clearly set through understanding each others personal behaviors.
Thank you Eric for your comments. Very helpful. My eu told me a story about telling a collegue to tell his wife to not text in daytime. I was sending good morning or hope you have a nice day texts but stopped in case I was also a distraction. When she broke up with me, she said one of the things I figured out was it was it was a message for ME. I had no idea she was a code talker and have spent lots of time reflecting what other code she spoke. And if she had just talked plainly, things would have been fine but that code talk came from her upbringing, best I can understand. And her texts meant so much to me but was her just being distant.
Greetings AV
I have to admitt. I was a victim of being E-MAINTINED. I really cant blame him because I allowed this behavior to be the main form of communication because I feared that I would scare him off. So I rocked with it longer than I should.
I didnt chase him for a date or text him. As long as he was only texting I wouldnt dare be sexin. My gut instinct was telling me red flag he must be seeing more than me. Sure enough I recieved 2 phone calls from woman claiming that Mr. Text was their man. All I said to them was Wow! im glad he is not my man.
He was full of it, what I've found out in the 40 years I've been around. MEN, no matter what line of work their in will make time for a woman they are really interested in. They will go thru hell or high water to get to you. I think your dude was controlling and wanted someone on his time. I dumped a guy like that earlier this summer. He kept telling me I was being selfish because I couldn't work around his schedule. I believed he was trying to juggle his job, me, and other women. I think I was the only one that let him know I wasn't going to play games. I told him after he act like he was so busy working that he didn't tex me HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, until that night around 11 pm. Notice I said tex, not call.The next day, the day after Mothers Day he tex me and say he missed me..Really Clown.!!!!...is what I wanted to say. Long story short I just told him I feel he full of sh 🙂 :-). I told him all I could offer him is a friendship....strictly friends only because I really didn't know what was really going on with him for sure. I did know something wasn't right, I do have common sense. I knew I wasn't going to play a guessing game. He said he didn't want to be my friend. So that's even better. A couple of weeks later, I ran into a childhood friend I had over looked in the past. We been dating every sense. I don't have to wonder about him, because he tells me where he's at, I got the keys to his house, and car.
On the question of sex, whenever he is at least ready to ne exclusive. It is best to be exclusive for at lest a couple if months, which means ideally in the perfect world the pricess of getting to know each other would take perhapse 3 months, the process of becoming exclusive another 3 months, so at least 6 months. In our imperfect world however, people rearly wait that long. And I guesS the question is not as much when, as it is with whom. Do not have it with a bad guy. Abd do not have it with with a guy, who thinks you are not relationship material. Unless, of course, you are fibe with casual sex. And take things slow. You don't need to go all the way or try every sexual trick you ever wanted to try on the first night together. Give in a bit at,a time and see how it goes ( have condoms handy). Good luck!
I do not even comment on this as I'm going thru a tough period on deciding whether I should quit the love of a married man that we already have a baby boy of 1 year and 2mnths. The only reason: he is too good but he can not spend enough time with me! I feel lonely, frustrated and confused about this relation ship that lasted for 3 years now. The worst happened during the middle of this year.. I discovered that he has 2 wives (he is a muslim) !!! Fought on this but we finally come back together again... I knew the reason for not giving me enough time is because he is sooo occupied - 2 families that needs time with him also.
I now want to quit but do not know how to go about it. I'm head over heels in love with him. Help!!
Why don't you talk to a lawyer.
A). Make sure he pays child support that he owes. It is nice to have N number of wives untill you have to take the proportionate responsibility.
B). If you live in Canada, Us or any other non-Islamic country having multople wives is a criminal offence. Is he even aware of that?
Sorry, but you need to be head over heels in love with yourself. NEVER love nobody no more than you love yourself, and GOD. If you truely loved yourself you wouldn't settle for coming 3 rd or 4 th. Im sure he seeing more than you and his wives. God made you special, y let some egotistical clown play with your head, and body like that?......the real question is....what are you gonna tell your child when he or she gets of age, and ask where is my daddy?
Because believe me he is gonna get tired of you, and keep it moving. He married to the other women he has a little obligation to them by law, but what u got coming? Do u even got his social security number, and real name that help u get child support when he stop coming around. Pray that God get you thru this, and open up your eyes to see the game more clear.
On a question of texting vs. Calling beware of guys who only text. Most of them want a text only relationship and they text 5 women at a time. And they can do it for months without moving things forward. Have you even met him yet? If not then he is that kind of a text only guy. If on the other habd he is seing you regularly, just for some rwaon avoids the phone, well, then maybe he just dies not like the phone. I personally totally hate phone. It always rings at the worst moment. I like to set ab appointment by text and then talk when we meet. I do not have plenty of time to waiste on random phone calls, and a lot of guys, who have busy lives, I bet too.
On the question of committment, I would say the best approach is,tge streight one. Why ask Jane if you could ask the guy directly? Do not ask him maybe if he is ready to committ to you right at this moment, but do,ask him what he thinks about relationships and committments in general. That would give you some idea. Whether he is going to committ to you for life we simply can not know that after just one month. I bet even no girl would want to committ to a man after dating him for only a month. Seriously, take your time.
"... beware of guys who only text." - Absolutely, Nina. Thank you.
I can easily relate to u AV, this time last year I met a guy through a friend which my mum told me, at first I was shy n nervous meeting him for the first time n things went smoothly, I talked him on messenger b4 I met him in person, I only saw him 2x n he paid for everything
So l was feeling in this mood where I want to see more n he kept postponing 2 days b4, 1 time we had things organised n he gives me a txt saying his boss rang him saying he needs to deal with a client for work n he got frustrated. He was busy from Oct - Dec n he didn't have time to see me, I asked him for a drink coz I had a bad day n he declined coz he was exhausted n tired from work, we had our Facebook chats from time to time n there was times he forgot n left me waiting & I thought why isn't he online? Thinking should I keep waiting or go to bed, there was times he went out n never told me
In dec I said to him when u free next n he said idk maybe around January n he made excuses like my boss is going away for a few weeks n I said when does your come back n he says idk, on NYE he deleted me off Facebook n I thought why did he delete me off Facebook n fell into a trap where I wanna know where he stands n I kept adding him as a friend n after 2 weeks he would keep declining my friend requests, so I thought why am I being rejected, I had jan planned out to see him but I saw him play on 19/1/14 n he did talk to me,
In February he inboxed me telling me he was sorry for everything n I would reply n he said if I liked domo I would spend time with them 2x a week for 6 months n said u might be upset reading this, don't be upset coz nothing happened to us & told me not to reply back & not to hassle him on Facebook, he said please don't reply
So I left him alone until his birthday n gave him simple birthday greetings n he said "thanks..." N now I'm gonna wait for 22 dec to give him Xmas n happy new year to him via messenger" then on 9 January 15 I willl add him back as a friend if he hasnt between now & then.
So AV my advice to u is take your time getting to know him, don't be clingy with him, if he leaves u then ask yourself "did I like him?, do I want a 2nd chance friendship with him?," if he leaves U & U want a 2nd chance of friendship to improve the friendship then u should stop all contact for a year & give him space, u can still give him greetings on special occasions like Xmas & his birthday, let him give u birthday greetings, set yourself a action plan for the 2nd chance. When u see him n it's your 2nd chance make the most of it n meet somewhere n u n him will gave loads to talk about. In between get our there n meet new men n they may talk to u on the train, buses or at pubs.
When are you seeing the real him? And how much room do you give him?
I met a guy 3 weeks ago. Had a nice first date, and asks me out immediately for the weekend. Then he cancels on a Friday night because he has to work and prepare for the next day work. I am nice about it.
He follows up the next week, we arrange Friday date. On Friday, he asks if we can do sat instead because a work thing came up. I say I can't, and we meet up, but he is exhausted. He asks if we can meet up on Sunday, when he can be more with it. I say yes.
Guess what, he then cancels on Sunday AND the following Tuesday because of work, but I still agree to try again on the weekend for Sunday dinner after traveling. This is feeling not great, but I let it go because I get having to work for a busy attourney.
Sunday happens. I keep checking my phone, and get on an airplane at 1 pm, and get off at 3 pm, so for two hours, I am unavailable. I get a text asking if we are on for dinner that night or this week. I enthusiastically respond dinner that night. At 4:10 he texts me that he made other plans when he did not hear from me, between 1 and 3 on a Sunday afternoon. This feels like crap. Really bad. I flirtly ask him to come back thinking it is only 4, but say we can do wed if that doesn't work.
He responds next day saying we can try wed. He always uses the language of try and should. I respond: No more trying this time ;-). Looking forward to it! ....... He disappears completely, no contact since.
Did I scare him away? How many work cancelations are ok? How many apologies? Was it unreasonable for him to find other plans? Should I not have joked about trying? Why do I feel so aweful? I liked him.
No offense, but... you're kidding, right? You can't really be serious. If he is like this now, what kind of "relationship" do you expect to have with him? The message is loud and clear. He's not right for you. Be thankful he's showing you this now. You didn't do anything wrong... if anything, you were being way too nice. That's a bigger faux pas. Big hug, write him off. You're better off without someone like this.
I know, I know, I know. It was that the excuse was always work. And then it wasn't.
And honestly, I am more mad at myself that I am at him. I compromised myself on Sunday. And I have not done that in several years. Oh well, sometime we are not perfect. His dating Karma will get him.
Go easy on yourself. I know the feeling of being mad at myself, but I can tell you it doesn't do us any good to treat ourselves badly. We deserve our own patience. You're not alone and you are perfectly fine. You are a wonderful girl, that's the truth and the only truth that matters. We'll find someone who cares about us as we are and who treats us right. Hugs.
You didn't do anything "wrong", Disappointed. This is how you find out where someone stands. You be true to yourself. You respond the way you want to respond. You act the way you want to. You can't scare someone away who wants to be with you, someone who's on the same page as you and actually wants to get to know you better. If you have to ask "how many work cancellations are ok?" you already have your answer. You know. What's reasonable and not reasonable is subjective. If someone wants to be with you and wants to get together with you, he'll always find a way. You can joke about whatever you want to joke about; this isn't about being what someone wants you to be, it's about being true to yourself and being you.
Don't be so hard on yourself; my guess is that's why you feel so awful. You're taking sole responsibility for why this didn't work out. That's what we feel so awful - when we do this to ourselves! Accept that you're two different people on two different pages who wanted different things. The fact that he disappeared like this confirms this. Now you are free to be with someone who wants to be with you and won't hesitate to let you know. "I liked him". We always do. We never want to have to give up like this. And it's ok to feel that way. When we've had enough of all of this, we begin to see it, too.
Don't be disappointed. This kind of a fickle guy is exactly the kind of thing you want to discover and avoid right at the beginning. This is what dating is for.