Archives for August 2014

Should I Keep Waiting for a Commitment, Or Move On?

Our dear friend Sara has been dating a man for almost 2 years but she's not getting the kind of commitment from him that she wants. She's wondering if she should keep waiting (on his timeline) or move on.

Her email:

Oh Jane where do I start?

I met a lovely guy after my divorce and felt instant hope, an instant spark. I have two children who mean the world to me, and he had a child a similar age too, I thought things would be so easy...we could do thing together with the children and make life so much fun, but I found myself chasing him.

He would always text good morning and text throughout the day if we weren't together, I felt so special in the beginning, but he had separated from his wife a few months before and he said he wanted to take things slow, I didn't go to his house for months he always came to me, he had his child most weekends, so the once a month he didn't have the child at the weekend he would see us.

My children see their dad every other weekend, so eventually I started staying on a sat night when I didn't have my children, so we were seeing each other 2 weekends a month, that wasn't enough for me, but his child came first he made that clear, I said but couldn't we all be together?

Its been almost 2 years and he is reluctant to spent weekends together, I have had to push all the way, he has only just allowed me to spend the Friday and sat night when he has his child and I don't have mine!

When I told him I wanted commitment, this is what I had been looking for, I was looking for a future husband or at least living together he fobs me off as desperate and nothing is good enough for you, he finally said we would live together in 2 years time.

I am now forced to move out of my home and it is on the market and he still won't offer to let us move in with him or for us to buy a place together, he sees us as totally different, I said perhaps my house move has happened for a reason and he just says his thoughts and timescales haven't changed.

He said he couldn't see himself getting married for at least another 5 years. Is this to keep me hanging on or does he mean it? will we live together in 2 years as he says? I said I will rent then and he was like oh no don't do that on my account - which made me suspicious!

We went on holiday last year with the children and it was him and his child me and mine, like we were totally separate and his child can do no wrong. But I do love him get on well with his child, he says he loves me but takes things slow, he doesn't really make an effort with my children.

He hasn't got time for them so it seems.

He goes on holiday with his family and doesn't include us because his parents pay for everything, we can both have days off with the children and he thinks nothing of him being at his house and me being at mine when I think we should be together in my opinion.

Him and his child will do things like go to the pantomime and not invite us, I feel hurt by this, rejected. My children haven't met his family, even after almost 2 years. Last Christmas he planned Christmas day without me because he had his child, when I bought up the subject he said that he couldn't accommodate us as he had his family coming around for the day, those were his words, so I tried to end it, but he talked me around.

I am scared to be alone, I really thought he was the one but now I am realising perhaps he isn't. We saw a friend only at the weekend and he sent me back to the car quickly so his friend didn't see me, his excuse was he hadn't seen his friend since before his divorce and didn't know if he knew what had happened but he hadn't asked about his step child so he must know.

When pushed he said he was ashamed because she had left him and it doesn't usually happen that way. I felt so rejected and confused.

What do I do? Do I move on or wait to see what 2 years brings?

- Sara

My response:

Dear Sara,

There is nothing quite like the pain of unrequited love. When you want so much for things to be different, for this man who you so wanted to believe was the “one” but who now you’re realizing isn't, to be the one. I hear your heart aching for there to be more; you want to believe there’s still some hope of him seeing what you can see, if only he could see it for himself.

But Sara, one of the hardest lessons for us to learn in this life, is that pushing or pulling or any other actions we engage in to try to make someone do something other than what they choose to do for themselves, is futile. His words and his actions tell you where he stands, and it’s not in the same place that you stand.

Of course he doesn't want to end it, because you make it so easy for him to be with you. He has it so good with you, why would he not try to talk you around? He can live his life on his own terms, and still have a woman like you whenever it works well for him without having to make a commitment.

He has no reason to change when he has it this good.

Everything that you are choosing, everything that you are putting up with, everything that you are settling for in order to be with him, can be understood so clearly in the phrase that stood out in your words here: “I am scared to be alone”.

Wherever there is fear, you find yourself doing things you would never otherwise do. Fear leads us to see things that aren't there, to stay in places we don’t belong, to be with people we would never otherwise consider being with.

We lose ourselves when we let fear control our lives.

Don’t let that spark tell you a different story than the one that actually is. Don’t let your dream of what it could be if only he would come around and commit dictate how you allow yourself to be treated. Don’t let the begrudged promise of a 2 year timeline give you reason to put any more of your life on hold living by someone else’s terms when you have your own.

Only you know what being with him – what waiting for him – is worth to you. But two more years of your time and energy and your beautiful you spent on waiting for someone to get to the point where they can give you what you want is a long time to wait for anyone.

It may seem easier, but is it really?

Or could you take a step into that fear? Could you expose it for what it really is – the unknown? Could you give yourself a little taste of it and see if it might just mean your freedom? To live your own life on your own terms without looking to someone else to make you happy?

It may seem scary to you right now from where you stand, but I've never known anything scarier than being with someone who wasn't on the same page as me, as my life was wasting away right in front of me.

It’s always a choice, Sara. There are pros and cons to every decision we make.

But you can never ever be wrong when you choose you, when you choose to do what brings you the most peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Someone who’s truly right for you will always clearly show you with a consistency in their words and their actions that they actually want to be with you.

He’s shown you that he’s going to do what’s best for him.

Now it’s your turn to do what’s best for you.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Should Sara wait it out, or move on? Tell us in the comments!

Why It's So Hard to “Just Move On”

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Why is it always so hard to "just move on"?

It’s because you can’t move on from you.

You can’t move on from what you should have done differently, what you should have known, what you should have seen, what you should have been.

It tears at your heart and soul every time you begin to think of anything else.

If only I hadn't __________ (you fill in the blank with your own words).

If only I had __________ (you fill it in again).

Along with the heartbreak comes so much blame, so much shame, so much finger pointing, but underneath whoever or whatever you’re struggling to let go of, lies the reality that this is so much about you.

It comes naturally, this blaming ourselves when something doesn't work out, this pattern we've fallen into over the years. It begins innocently enough with someone else blaming us for not knowing better, but eventually, it becomes our own pattern. Disguised as something else, but always about ourselves.

You can’t move on because you’re not done with you yet.

You have one more thing to say to yourself, one more lesson to give yourself, one more thing to hang onto before you’re ready to say “enough”.

So what if instead of fighting it, you allowed yourself to accept it instead? To accept that there’s something you’re not done with here that’s holding you here. What if you took yourself in your arms and held you close enough to whisper “it’s OK” in your ear?

What if instead of beating yourself up for still going back there, for still thinking and talking about it, you accepted this too about yourself. And didn't instantly gravitate back to that familiar pattern of thinking there must be something wrong with you since you can’t move on, can’t go back, and can’t seem to do anything that anyone tells you to do to feel better.

You know what? You don’t answer to anyone besides you.

You’re the only one you have to be able to live with. So whatever anyone else says you should be able to do, whatever anyone else thinks about how long it’s taking you to move on with your life, they’re not you.

Because of all the things that contributed to my feeling like there was something so wrong with me as I was going through my share of heartbreak, not even the heartbreaks themselves, but the feeling I always had that I should be farther along than I was, that I should be able to just let go and move on, was the one that always did the most damage. After all, was my reasoning at the time, if everyone else seemed to be able to do it, what on earth was wrong with me?

And do you know where that led? To more of the same!

Not to the real changes I was seeking, not to the real answers I was looking for, but instead to more of this self-loathing, more of this harshness towards myself, more of this feeling of hopelessness that I would never get to where I needed to be because there was something inherently flawed in me.

It’s why we feel so lonely, so alone in what we’re going through because we leave ourselves; we desert ourselves right when we need to love and accept ourselves the most.

Because there’s no one who treats us the way we do when we hold ourselves to these unrealistic standards we set for ourselves.

These standards don’t take into account where we are right now, they don’t consider how much we've been through and yet how far we've come. Our standards have no grace in them, only judgment.

And we’re our own harshest critics.

We reflect the voices we’ve carried with us since our first beginnings in the world, where we learned what was wrong with us, before we learned what was right.

So just for a moment, let’s do things different this time.

Let’s accept where we are in our journeys.

Let’s give ourselves the grace to make "mistakes", which aren’t really mistakes as much as they’re our personally tailored learning experiences.

Let’s accept that we’re doing the best we can with what we know and we’ll do better next time as we come to know more.

Let’s stop hating ourselves by our actions and our words, and instead start showing ourselves a little love and compassion for where we’re starting from.

And then, let’s talk about moving on.

When you’re ready, in your own time, when you can see things more clearly on your own terms, not on anyone else’s.

This acceptance of ourselves, this compassion towards ourselves is so foreign to so many of us who've only ever known what we’re doing wrong or what we need to do different.

You’ll get there, I promise you will. You’ll get where you need to be sometime soon, but the way to do it isn't by repeating this familiar pattern of harshness and judgment that doesn't serve anyone well, let alone you with your sensitive, tender heart.

Start where you are, start with what you know.

Is it loving? Is it compassionate? Is it the truth?

If it’s not, it has no place in your life. You can’t expect anyone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated until you change this way you insist on treating yourself.

It always starts with you!

I Left Him Because He Wouldn't Commit

70 Comments

Our beautiful friend Sarah left her boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to her. But now she's having trouble letting go. This is something that I hear all too often from our readers. Here's her story.

Her email:

Hi Jane,

I love, love, love your blog and am so grateful that I have found it during this extremely hard time of my life. So my deepest, most sincerest thanks to you.

I recently left my boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to me. It's been 6 weeks since I moved out and I now live alone in a small rental… a very big adjustment and I miss him and our relationship very much.

I've been doing so much self development and surprisingly most hours of my day I find myself quite peaceful and content knowing that I just had to make this decision for ME because there was no way he was going to make any decision about anything, any time soon!

However, in all my self development and reading your blog the same message is being said over and over again… 'that I'm worthy of someone way more deserving'.

I know that's the truth and I can't wait to meet 'my new man' (hopefully!) in the near future but I also can't help but feel really sad that my ex isn't worthy of my love.

I don't feel angry or bitter towards him because he's suffering with his health and has so much family baggage which led to so much fear about committing to me. And even though he hasn't chase me one little bit since I left him only six weeks ago, I STILL feel sorry for him.

I gave him SO much and still had so much more love to give him.

I've always been the type of person to feel sorry for the underdog, stick up for the child being bullied… my problem is that I always feel sorry for people. So with my ex, I just feel so immensely sad and sorry for him that's he's undeserving of the love I had to offer him, that's he doesn't deserve someone as wholesome and fabulous as me (that's how my friends describe me!!).

I want him to experience unconditional love, I want him to be worthy of being loved the way I have because he hasn't had that. His parents didn't know how to love and they still have NO idea to this day. And because of this, I am still contacting him to make sure he's doing ok.

I guess I still want the link to him and I guess I'm also secretly hoping he turns around and chases me. So how am I supposed to let go of him and our relationship when all I feel is guilt and sadness for him? Thanks Jane!

- Sarah

My response:

Dear Sarah,

I'm so glad you’re finding help and support here, Sarah. This is exactly why I’m here. It’s never easy to let go of someone that you didn’t really want to let go; someone who you wanted so much more from that he wasn’t capable of giving you. In the end, this is exactly how you find out who is on your page and who’s not, who’s looking for the same level of commitment in a relationship with you, and who isn’t.

It’s in the releasing and letting go of someone who you courageously recognized as not being able to give you what you were looking for from him, that you are seeing the reality of where he’s really at.

And the reality is he’s not chasing you.

The first thing to recognize is that this is not really about him, but about you. You see him as the underdog, as the victim of his circumstances, as being in poor health, as having a hard childhood, and these are all the reasons you feel sorry for him that he’s missing out on the unconditional love he could have with you.

But I suspect that’s not the end of the story. Instead, it’s about you feeling that you weren't enough to change him, that you weren't enough to make him see what you could see.

You feel guilt and sadness because as much as you knew he couldn't be who you needed him to be, you wanted to be able to hold on longer in the hope that eventually you would be enough, that he would come to see the life he could have with you. You wanted to be worth the type of work he would have to do within himself to make it happen.

You can’t rescue him from himself, Sarah.

This is where those of us who have such compassionate, empathetic hearts and souls, who feel other’s pain and believe we know best what they need, can take on men like this so that they become a project of our own. To the detriment of ourselves, we try everything; we spend so much of our time and energy trying to show them the way that would make all the difference for them if only they would be open and willing to seeing it for themselves.

If only they would find it in themselves to get there, to have the life they could have with us, they could heal, they could be loved, they could be happy and we couldn't be happier being right there alongside with them.

Start right where you are by separating what is yours and what is his.

It sounds like the boundaries between the two of you have become blurred with you owning so much of his and not leaving with him what can only be his to own for himself.

You can’ t know what’s best for him, you can’t know for sure what he really needs. None of us can. He has to want to change. He has to want those things that commitment and being loved unconditionally in a relationship bring. He has to want that for himself.

It can’t come from you.

Release him, let him have what’s his. Take your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your beautiful unconditional love you held for him ready to give him as a gift. Give those back to you.

Take a closer look at why you still want or need to keep holding onto someone who isn't holding onto you. Does he remind you of someone you've done this with before? Are you looking to him for the love your father or mother wasn't able to give you?

When it doesn't make logical sense, but emotionally it's the only way you can see it, there's always a deeper story running behind the scenes. Find that story. It changes everything when you know what yours is and why you need it to be. If you need some help finding it, I'm always here for you through my one-on-one coaching program if you want to take closer look at what that might be.

There’s still more to your story, Sarah; there’s still all of those dreams and plans and hopes, but they belong to you and one who will share in them with you and want the same for the both of you, not someone who you have to try to make into what you want him to be because you believe it’s what he needs.

The ones who don’t chase us aren't meant to.

The ones who don’t come looking for us aren't the ones we’re meant to be with.

It’s how we tell them apart. The ones who come and the ones who go.

With open eyes to see the reality of why we feel the way we do and why it’s never really about him, we learn the truths that give us our wings and release our souls.

It’s never easy to let go, but it’s how we get to the place we’re meant to be. Where our hearts can soar, and our love can flow, it's when you'll know without question that the one you’re with is exactly where he wants to be too.

That's how you'll know, Sarah. It's what's makes it easier to let go.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any advice about letting go, or have any words of encouragement for our dear friend Sarah? Please share them with us in the comments!

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Should I Keep Waiting for a Commitment, Or Move On?

Her email:

My response:

Why It's So Hard to “Just Move On”

I Left Him Because He Wouldn't Commit

Her email:

My response:

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