For those of you who regularly read this blog, you've heard me ask this question time and time again.
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
But instead of answering this question directly for yourself by digging deeper to get to the root of the problem, you do the easier thing.
You find something – anything – that sounds like it makes your story different. That makes you the exception. That makes it different this time with this particular guy.
And I know why you do it. You do it for the same reason that I did it, and so many others do it too.
You really want to believe it's different. You don't want to let go.
But he does want to be with me, you say, because he says he still wants to be with me, he responds to my texts, he’s still here. He says he loves me, he just can’t give me what I’m looking for right now, but I know he'll come around.
And so, you stay.
And so, you wait.
Because you believe he’s the one. Because you believe he’s the last one. Because you believe you can’t live without him.
Can you see what’s really going on here? This isn't about him. This isn't about everything you believe he has to offer you.
You’re afraid.
You don’t want to lose him because you’re afraid there isn't anyone better than him coming along and you’d rather have what you've got with him than settle for someone who you haven’t met yet.
It’s that fear that keeps all of us right where we are, whether we’re talking about a relationship, about a job, about a state of being, or about anything else where we’re being nudged out of our comfort zones.
We've all been there; you’re so not alone in this.
There's a way to fix it.
It’s called trust. In you.
The reason you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you is because you don’t believe there's someone else out there better for you. But that’s a lie that you've bought into that doesn't reflect the real truth.
The only ones you want to be with are the ones that treat you well. The ones that respect you.
The ones that are consistent and back up their words with their actions and don’t leave you guessing where you stand or wondering when you’re going to hear from them again.
The ones that show up when they say they’re going to show up and call when they say they’re going to call. They’re the ones that bring out the best in you and make you feel better about being yourself, not worse.
I know you want some reassurance, some way of knowing that there’s more to come than this, that there’s more to love than what you’re getting.
That kind of reassurance is right there, in your heart of hearts, beyond that place called fear. But to see it, to get there, you have to be willing to give up what you've got.
To question your belief that this is all there is. To question what you’re really looking for and why.
Don’t call it love if it hurts. Don’t call it “just the way he is” if it’s not the way you want it.
You’re the one in control here. Instead of focusing on him, focus on you. You’re the one who deserves to be loved. You’re the one who deserves to be respected.
Once you get clear on what you want and what you don’t, the rest is simple. You let go of what you don’t want – no matter how exciting it may feel to be with someone who keeps you at a distance – and you let someone who can give you what you deserve a chance to show you what he’s all about.
It’s always your choice what you choose to accept and what you refuse to allow.
Jane, I do have fear about not being loved. All I want is to be loved, and happy with who I'm with. I fear that I'll end up with Mr. Wrong, and end up being stuck in a dead-end relationship. Please help.
If you learn to love yourself first, Desiree, and are clear about what you want, when you take the time to really get to know someone is truly compatible with you in all the ways that matter for the long term before you give yourself away emotionally or physically, you won't have to worry about Mr. Wrong or a dead-end relationship.
Jane thank you so much for responding. What the ironic part is today that I read those articles. I'm truly trying to find me. I've lost myself through the years. I will tell you that I'm very independent, stubborn, hard working, smart and very laid back. While most men say they like that, that's where I'm also the most criticized from men. Which I dont understand and partially don't care.i have never depended on any man other than my father as I have always been let down when I have. I've been told I'm like the man in a relationship. Probably because I was raised by my father. I am a string woman and I do value all these things about myself but love as always eluded me and I now know it's because I don't know what it truly is. I've been searching within which is something I honestly never done. I know all these histories of men were my doing that I Shouldve seen the light sooner.
What I would like to ask which I'm confused about is did I understand you to say to give this man time? I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and I know within I wont. I do have this feeling of wanting to know but I know I wont. What makes things more interesting is we run within the same group of people. I've known him for a couple years and both were involved. What I admires the most was he treated me the same way as friends as he did when we were seeing each other. Which made me feel that he is a good person that isn't fake to get what he wants. I'm just hurt because I thought this wouldn't be the way it would end..me hurt and feel rejected. I was honestly happy starting to enjoy myself and doing what I wanted to do and I still was. I was proud of myself not changing me to see him. That's why this one is so hard for me. I honestly don't know what I want and really feel like I ever will. I only have 1 friend that is truly happy in her relationship. I have alot of friends. I'm really starting to feel I need to be alone to have my peace
Ms.Jane is very true ."Why i always Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With me?
its been a month since he never call and totally disappear and never do a things to settle our problem either he was the reason why we have a fight .he never call i feel the pain ..he never give me a right closure....i decided not to break the ice again and give so much effort to save this relationship either i know that i'm the only want to save this...every night i cry every night i want to scream every night i want to see him and thinking to start again with him but something inside of me tells me that "Kristine this is not healthy for you ...your beautiful.. you have a good heart.. you give everything to him ...you give more than him ...you love him unconditionally but still he choose to HURT you" ..it is not easy to accept the pain and woke up each morning and to accept ....this is my first time to treat like that ..this is my first time to give everything ...my all for someone ....to tell you honestly Ms.Jane i still love him but i don't know why when he left me and never call i feel free and the Burden being with him disappeared too....Now i decided to LOVE MY SELF FIRST for more than a year being with him is not easy ..i center my self to be his woman and focusing my self for what he demands and needs and forgetting my own needs...now its my time to love to respect and build up my self again ...it is very true that the only person who can Love you unconditionally is YOUR SELF TOO:)
Ms.Jane your a woman with a good heart Thank you very much for your time ..this kind of articles brings every woman out there to Open their eyes from our FANTASY... i always pray that this pain will ease quickly...i don't want to get hurt more than this..
deborah
WE ARE THE PRIZE!!!!i love this wordings:) either it is not east to face your fear to face the pain but in my deeper part i know i deserved better....thank you and ms.Jane for this article
Glad you enjoyed this one, Kristine; when we get that part figured out - that we are the prize - everything else begins to fall into place.
So I've been dealing with this same situation for almost 4 years it's time for me to take my life back! Easier said than done. I feel like such a hypocrite because I'm always talking about knowing your worth and not settling for less when you can have more and that's exactly what I'm doing. Wow
It is easier said than done, Wynter. And while we can be the first to see so clearly what someone else needs to do, we can be the last to take that same action ourselves when we're so emotionally attached to our own scenario! Don't be so hard on yourself; the first step is realizing what you need to do; now do it for you!
Thank you Wynter, it has been hard as rejection is suprise to be. But i can tell you are in the right track to do what you gotta do. Its hard as we all know, but you seen to know what to do. Good luck! I'm still immerse in my sorrows. Beating myself up but I know it will get better
Hi Jane and all ladies,
I am in a situation where I am not ready to let go. I was seeing this guy for 3 weeks. We never had an argument and every date was fun. Things moved rather too quickly I'd say, we had conversations about future, we were intimate and we kept on dating. He constantly asked about meeting my friends and family. It was this week when he met my mom.We set up a date during the week and I was suppose to stay over his place so we can go out with his friends on the weekend. But, last night he called me after everything was normal and he was as loving as usual. He called and decided to end it all. He said he feels pressure to make things official, but he knows it's time. He said he likes me and my company, but few things make him think we are not gonna last long term. He said he is not sure of this decision,but if he has doubts now things won't get better. So he rather to end things now instead of getting more attach and be hurt even more.I know it's recent but we never had an argument ever, I was calm and happy. I want to look for him again. I don't know if I should not contact him ever again. I feel I'm not ready to let go. Is he just afraid? Am I going crazy?
I wanted to write an update hoping to get an answer. Today I realized he is back online dating. He hasn't been on it since we met. He is back now and even changed the picture I said I didn't like much. Does it mean this is really over, and I should better move on? I feel so sad, how can he be back online while he knows I left the door open for is. The last time we communicated I told him, I understand if he got cold feet about taking things to the other level, but if that is the reason to not give up on us. So I feel that now that he is back online dating, he really closed the doors and forgot about me. I am really sad
It is sad to realize that someone doesn't want the same thing as you, Sammy, but clearly his actions are indicating that this is where he's at. I don't know how else you can interpret this, because if he's back online dating than he's obviously looking to date online. The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on you, on living your own life, and move on for yourself. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, not someone who's saying he has cold feet and has to be told not to give up! Know that this doesn't have anything to do with you, Sammy; this is about him. It's so easy to feel like someone is rejecting you, but it's never about you! Someone who's truly right for you wouldn't want to forget about you; he'd still be with you!
Jane, I have had 3 very difficult days when I'm trying to feel better and focus on myself but it is becoming difficult. I think I had some hope he would see things clear and come back around, I really thought that the only thing that happened is that he needed space. I was holding on to some hope to have the farytale relationship this one seemed to have the potential to be. I have been beating myself up trying to figure out what went wrong... He didn't say much, if anything he said that after few weeks we can be friends! I don't want that! This all went from a night saying I miss you to 24 hours later say goodbye. I can't seem to understand why he had to make plans for the future (even months from now )if he wasn't planning on staying! I am trying very hard to not contact him again, I have done very well so far. I will keep trying to do the same, but it does not mean I'm feeling any better.
Thank you for your words and post I have been reading them and they do help!
Hang in there Sammy. I'm right where you are now. Always trying to figure it out, what did "I" do wrong.
Rejection hurts, I have dealt with rejection my whole life, it doesn't get any easier, it still hurts.
It is what it is and its never what I thought it would be. This is really hard, I understand what you are feeling.
Sammy 🙂
we both on a same situation.. he is my everything he is my every First ..i insert a lot of time ..effort and plans being with him because i believe he is my Future Husband...but every time we had fight i'm the only one who always break the ice and settle everything...its been a month since he never call and disappear like a mushroom hehehe:))....but Sammy we never deserved that its better to be single and alone than being with someone who is not physically mentally and emotionally with you....you know what Sammy don't call him..don't think about him don't try to give your all effort to be with him i know its not easy .....But Sammy always remember this "You deserve a man who WANTS to be with you, A man who treasure you like a pure Diamond..A man who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY..my friend give your self a BIG BREAK.. either you feel so much pain..:)
God bless Sammy...
Hi Jane,
I was in a marrage for 28 years and divorced 3 years ago. I got married at a very young age so I didn't have much dating experience. So here I am almost 52 and looking for my sole mate. Things seemed to be going okay with dating but never work out in the long run. Just when I think the man is interested in me he stops calling and won't return my calls. Two men that I thought could be Mr. right, married woman in their 20's. after only dating them a few months. These were men my age. I guess for woman, 50 is not the new 30 it's still 50. I finally found someone who I really enoyed be around and we dated for a little over a year. We went to Cancun togather and things were going grate. However everything changed when my 2 month grandson was awarded to the courts and I steped in and got custody of him. I know this is happening way to often with grandparents but we do what we need to do out of love. At frist my boyfriend accepted the decision I had made and even supported it. After some time passed I asked if we are moving forward in our realationship. He said now isn't the time to talk about it. I kept moving forward with my life with my grandson. I told my boyfriend, I needed to move to a 3 bedroom so I could have my home office back. His answer was... " keep me posted on that". I really thought he would want to be a part of house searching if we were going to stay togather. Things went down hill from there. I realized after a years and half there was nothing new he could decover about me. I wanted him to make a commitment to me. His answer to that was " it's very normal for people to date years before getting married". In my eyes, at the age of 52, 1 year is equivalent to 3. We have't seen each other for 5 weeks now. I am trying to move on but I know in my heart of hearts no one will want a 52 year old with a baby. How do I stay positive?
Except someone who loves this about you, Holly. Except someone who sees what you've done here out of love by taking in a sweet, innocent baby boy who otherwise would have an entirely different life and loves this very part of you that would do this. Except someone who has a heart like yours and never thought he'd find someone like you. Now you'll have a clear way of knowing who's truly right for you and all that you are, and all that you have to offer. That's some kind of the real you shining through!
We took in my 16 year old nephew a year after my husband and I were married, Holly, and changed his life forever. There was a reason I was with my husband, and there's a reason you'll be with the man who will embrace this about you. There's always a reason you're with who you're with. It's not about what's normal, or what's right or wrong, or reasonable; it's about whether you're both on the same page. It's about what you can live with and what you can't, and that's what true compatibility is all about.
WE NEED MORE BLOGS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAVE WORKED EVOLVED. IN MY EXPERIENCE, SOME PEOPLE CHANGE AND GROW WITH PATIENCE FROM BOTH PEOPLE.
I ONCE HAD A RELATIONSHIP WHEN I WAS YOUNGER WHEN HE WAS A BIT OF TWAT AT THE START, AND WITH TIME AND PATIENCE HE BECAME A PRINCE, AND HE TAUGHT ME SO MUCH AND I ALSO CHANGED. WE JUST DIDNT WORK BECAUSE HE STOPPED BEING ADAPTABLE, AS I WANTED TO TRAVEL TOGETHER. HE DID NOT LIKE THIS PART IN ME, WE WERE BEST FRIENDS, BUT THE FACT I WANTED TO CONCENTRATE ON PROGRESSING IN LIFE FOR OUR UNION, HE GOT INSECURE. HE NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WHEN I HELPED SUPPORT AND PUSHED HIM. WE TRIED TO WORK AT IT, BUT THE DAMAGE WAS DONE, I COULD HAVE STAYED, BUT HE REALLY DID NOT LIKE THE FACT I WANTED TO EXPLORE.
THEN I STARTED DATING OTHER TYPES , AND I EXPECTED WHEN I GOT OLDER MEN WILL HAVE THEIR STUFF TOGETHER, MEANING EMOTIONALLY , FINANCIALLY AND PHYSICALLY. BUT WHAT I REALISED, MEN ARE MEN FROM ALL AGES, MATURITY DEPENDS ON SOMEONES EXPERIENCES AND CHARACTER.
I DATED GUYS THAT TOOK ME OUT, SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, THINKING THEY MUST BE DECENT AS THEY FROM STABLE BACKGROUND ETC. NO, my experiences have led me to realising men are men. Women these days in the busy city life are no different either. But my point is some relationships do get better with time. If you speak to couples with at least 30 year relationships, there are ups and downs, but its up to you what you are willing to live with. My soul cannot be in a toxic relationship, AND HAVE NEVER ENTERTAINED ONE! But I also know of a couple who were very angry towards each other who actually improved and got better. Again this is up to two people at different times. EVery relationship is different due to what we know and what we want and what we are willing to do. LADIES & MEN I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AT DIFFERENT TIMES IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER MORE, YOU WILL FIGHT BATTLES FOR EACH OTHER WITH DIFFERENT ASPECTS AT DIFFERENT TIMES.
SO DO NOT DISMISS YOUR NEXT DATE JUST BECAUSE HE DOES NOT TICK YOUR BOX, OR CALL BACK ON A CERTAIN TIME. IF SOMEONE IS MANIPULATING OR PLAYING GAMES, THEN YES WALK AWAY. BUT MEN HAVE BEEN WIRED TO NOT THINK. WOMEN ARE WIRED TO OVERTHINK. I DO NOT KNOW WHY IT IS THIS WAY. BUT A WOMAN WAS CREATED TO TRAIN AND POINT THE MAN IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. NOT TO MANIPULATE BUT TO NURTURE.
PLEASE JANE POST MORE BLOGS OF RELATIONSHIPS WORKING THROUGH STRUGGLES, THEY ARE NOT ALL LIKE THIS, THESE BLOGS WILL LEAD TO WOMEN LOOKING AT THIS AND COMPARING THEIR EXPERIENCES AND ACCEPTING ONE PERSON IS GOING THROUGH THIS , SO MY SITUATION IS BETTER AND IT MAY NOT BE. HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THE INTENTION OF THIS MESSAGE
IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF LIFE , EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS HAD ITS UPS AND DOWNS, THIS GENERATION JUST SEEMS TO PICK , CHOOSE AND GIVE UP RESULTING IN UNHAPPINESS IN THE LONG RUN. THE OLDER GENERATION ARE MUCH MORE HAPPIER AND CONTENT, BECAUSE MOST OF THEM STAYED AND WORKED IT OUT, FOUGHT AND ARE MUCH HEALTHIER IN THE LONG RUN. THEY ARE THE MOST RESILIENT. SOME RELATIONSHIPS ARE UNBEARABLE SUCH AS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, WHICH YOU MUST LEAVE! TIME IS ESSENTIAL, NOT ONE WEEK, ONE MONTH OR YEAR. TIME BASED ON ACTIONS AND PROGRESS RESULTS IN A HEALTHY SUCCESSFUL UNION
I hear you, Realist. And if you haven't already read my post on exactly this topic - of when to give up and when to keep staying on - you may find it helps explain the "why" I say what I say and do what I do.
Tankx Jane... I went through wat u just wrote. I was crazy about a guy who was emotionally distant. D worst was that he told me he wasnt ready for the emotional part of it but this is different from what he told me initially. He kept giving me signs i needed to let go, but i was able to convince myself he ll come around. Wow!! He kept saying he cares about me, He wants me in his life but..... this is a guy that hardly ever calls. He doesnt know my last name and makes no attempt to. i knew all this, i knew i was fooling myself. I jst couldnt let go. I wasnt strong enough. I cried almost evrytime i speak with him. He is always too busy for me. He made me start questioning myself, maybe i wasnt good enough for him.. I became depressed, i was always angry at myself cos i know i deserved more. i deserved better. We all do. One day i snapped, i just couldnt take it anymore. I saw my friend crying for her boyfriend and i knew i always looked that pathetic each time i cry for a guy's love. Now instead of consoling her as usual, i called up my own supposed boyfriend and told him to i was out of it. He was shocked because i was with him d previous day. Finally, i was strong enough to walk away. finally i knew i had it in me. Finally i let him go.
I'm so glad this gave you some comfort, Jossel. That you're here now. That it wasn't you. It never is, and yet it's often only when we find ourselves questioning ourselves and our own worth that we realize no one is worth what we're doing to ourselves. No one.
Be so proud of yourself, Jossel. You're finding out just how strong you are, and how much you do have in you! You do deserve so much more!
Hey Jane, I need your insight please
I’ve found myself comparing and beating myself over my ex’s girlfriend. I know I did the right thing by leaving the relationship when he started seeing her before we even broke up.
What is troubling to me though, is that the same woman and I was seeing the another guy years ago, out of that relationship, she had a child with the guy (I was I was also seeing) and I stayed in the relationship. I was in my twenties, eventually I moved on.
Fast forward years later to last year 2013, here it is that this woman has resurfaced. It felt like deja vu all over again and brought all my old painful feelings of the past.
I keep thinking why her AGAIN?? I left my now ex because I didn’t want to share again. But never did I expect for this.
I see them around sometimes because we all live in a small area. I have been staying home from events at times because I think they may be there and that hurts ,seeing them
I am still hurting/healing,and now have taken up with all these comparisons with her, telling myself she’s better, this is who he now loves etc etc...I was doing ok but lately I have been doing this comparison torture. I think it's because it's basically the same woman popped up over again and that's what hurts the most
We do so much harm to ourselves when we get caught up in comparing ourselves to someone else, Star, especially when what we're doing is beating ourselves up and reinforcing that belief that is never far from our minds that there is indeed something wrong with us. And so, when we compare like this, we provide the proof. We come up with all kinds of stories that say, "See? You aren't even worth that." "See? He chose her over you because you aren't/weren't enough." And the lies continue until they take on a life of their own and become what we believe about ourselves all over again.
Don't go there, Star. Don't get caught up in that trap of comparison. She's on her own journey and so is he. And most of all, so are you. I've learned that when we can see what unites us - when we realize we all have our own vulnerabilities and our struggles - it helps bring someone down to size. This isn't really about her, it's about you. She's just made it easier for you to be so hard on yourself like you are, to be so unloving to the one person who needs your love the most; you.
Find that little girl inside and hold her. She's feeling like she did in a different time and place where she first learned that someone was better than she was, that just because someone had something she didn't that she believed there was something wrong with her. She still believes that. She needs your love to let this go, to shine her own light, to take back her own power that's always been hers. It's a mindset shift, Star.
Don't stay home. Don't do anything because of someone else. Let her - and him - fade into the background of their own lives. She only exists like this in your own mind. If you remember that, and remember that you're enough for someone who's truly right for you simply because you're you and not because there's no competition, you can do this. Change the story you've created about this into the reality of what is and watch all the power this scenario is holding over you disappear. You can do this!
Beautifully said !
You really touched me with this answer for Star.
Thank you, Maris; it's true for all of us.
Jane why is it so hard to find love. Idk but I have a tendency to show a guy how great and caring I am hoping he would fall for me as much as I am willing to love him. I get so caught up in it. Ending up hurting myself because I am building expectation. I should learn to just put myself first not his wants first. If he deserves me he will get my love. Its so hard nowadays because a lot of people are afraid of love and theres so much more people waiting then there are people who are in love and together. I guess when the time is right God will bring him to me. Idk if i even believe in love to be honest. Ive never fallen in love. I just get false hope. I know im ready for something real i want that challenge to make things work to learn to communicate and compromise and overcome obstacles together but its like nowadays people look for simplicity rather than value.REPLY
It's because we make "it"- this epic "SEARCH" - so much more complicated and dramatic than it needs to be, Diana. We put so much of our own programming into it, then we add in all the media and our cultural programming into it, that before we know it, we've created something that isn't real, that is more based on fantasy than reality, through no fault of our own.
When we peel away the layers of all the things that are keeping us doing the same thing over and over again , most of it in our deep subconsciousness, we find our stories - our belief systems - that we've been holding on so tightly to. Only when we can see them for what they are can we begin to see who we really are, what we're really looking for, and begin to take the steps toward the love we're looking for.
All it takes is one person who's on your page, who wants the same thing as you do, who's willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Break it down to its simplest form, Diana, and you'll discover not the epic search and all that entails, but simply two human beings who are looking for what each other has.
Thanks so much jane 🙂 you’re right! And i should start thinking that way
Take it from an old lady who has lived it...listen to Jane or u will be like me...too old & nothing changed..u know in your heart.
Listen to it before u t too old to changeuch...Good luck
How nice to see you here, Marie. You're a beautiful, wonderful, wise woman who I always love hearing from!
Wow this is a brilliant article. I can relate to so much from here. It's like you cracked into me and read my past lol. I remember the unsatisfied relationships, the chasing, the fear that there was nobody else, the fear that this was the last guy left. So many times I was scared to let go of something that made me miserable, I was scared there was nobody out there, that this was my last chance. At the times, an unsatisfying "relationship' seemed better than a lifetime alone.
It took me a long time to learn those lessons. I want somebody who wants to be with me. I now easily see the red flags I used to always ignore. I no longer fall for empty flirts of attention, or pay any attention to people who don't keep their promises, whose actions don't match their words. I don't waste time on guys who aren't genuinely interested in me. When guys suddenly get cold, I'm secure enough now that I don't chase them. If they suddenly step back, i also step back and change my focus. These learned lessons have kept me out of a lot more terrible relationships over the last several years.
Unfortunately, they have also kept me single for a long time. So many of your posts lately have been focused on people in bad relationships, teaching them to realize what they deserve and what they can settle for (which is an awesome lesson btw). But what about those of us who have learned that lesson, and now seem to be perpetually single? Sure, I deserve somebody who wants me, but what happens when the years have been rolling by and it turns out that nobody wants me? It was hard to let go of an unsatisfying relationship (or a string of them with a similar theme) because of my fear that there was nobody out there for me. Unfortunately, as the years have gone by, it seems to have turned out that my fear had indeed been true.
That's exactly what I try to do here, Sky11.;)
It's always interesting how clearly we see things when we look back, and you're so right when you say "At the times, an unsatisfying "relationship' seemed better than a lifetime alone." They always do when you're in the thick of that place where something - anything - is better than the feared "being alone"!
I don't buy for one moment that "nobody wants you", Sky11. In fact, I'll bet there's so much more to that particular story, too. Stay tuned for Friday - I've got a letter to inspire you and everyone else ... and a whole lot more for you to think about why you're still single. I hear you. 🙂
Thanks for your kind words. Your advice is very sound about not putting effort into people who dont really want you. Such a hard lesson for so many to learn, myself included. It's disappointing to me though that after deciding to only invest my energy in guys who were interested in me, nobody came along and I've been on my own for many years now. I was always so scared to let go of toxic relationships because I was scared nobody else would come along. It's nice to say "That's not true" but in my case it totally ended up being true!!!!! This advice, while great for selfworth, can also in reality truly leave you alone for a long time. I guess some people just find love much easier than others. Or maybe some of us are just not meant for love.
I'm always here for you, Sky11. 🙂
Jane,
I am so happy that I found your site weeks ago. And then I open this email today after I cried myself to sleep last night and it was directly for me/what I needed to read! I have been battling to try to get this guy to want to be with me again. We dated on and off for almost two years. It took him over a year to give me basic relationship components such as dates, meeting family, being public etc. I felt used the entire time . So then he attempted two dates (3 months apart because he claims he has not time) about a month. So this late date we got into a fight because the chemistry felt like it was gone. After that he stopped talking to me for 3 weeks because he said he is tired of trying and me getting angry with him when he does make an effort. So all this time i feel like I'm the blame because I fight with him but I'm really just fighting for his attention. Now recently he maintained a texting relationship with me giving me false hope again. He claims I have to win and get HIM back. And yet when be would upset me I would forgive him right away including him going on vacation behind my back. I had enough of not hearing his voice for almost a month and only texting . So I called yesterday and I knew he was off work. He ignored my calls and texts for hours . So I freaked out and sent many frustrated anxious texts messages wondering who he was with.
Well this gave him more of reason to not want to be with
even more . I am certain he seeing someone else which is why for a month now he avoids my calls and seeing me. Yet he texts me. And also accuses me of seeing someone claiming that is why is stopped trying but I have not dated anyone. I just can't do it still wanting him. You're right Jane it's fear of being alone. Fear of starting over and not finding someone better than him because I was so comfortable with him and wanted to spend my life with me. Here's my BIGGEST FEAR : I have a 4 yr daughter and he hard a time accepting that and being open about dating a woman with a child. Which is why I never met his mom and family. Took my daughter out only twice in our year and a half relationship. He Would exclude me from vacation w friends as well. I know he is not a bad person but having a hard time accepting this happened to me. I feel obsessed with him because I can't let go and I fear men will have a hard to accepting me with a child. I want to thank all the women on this post for sharing their stories, empowering one another and I now know I'm not the only one going through this heartbreak. I can't stop blaming myself that I drove him away with my fighting and insisting for things. I really hope I can find love because feeling pain everyday is definitely nothing loving about it.
oh you're never alone here, Darlene! Ask yourself this, "Why do you want to be with someone who has a hard time accepting your beautiful little girl?" There was a reason you "freaked out" and sent him all those texts. There's a reason you don't trust him. Whether these reasons have to do more with you or with him, they all lead to the same place; that this isn't someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing, and is willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Trust yourself, trust your gut instinct; you know what's going on here.
When you accept that there's a bigger reason than you can see, when you realize this is the only way it would become more clear to you, and when you can accept the reality of what is, you can stop blaming yourself and refuse to be in pain one more moment over someone who you're allowing to put you through this.
The pain is what we do to ourselves when we hold ourselves solely responsible for what's happened, instead of forgiving yourself for being human and trusting that there's something bigger going on here. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.
Believe you're worth more than this, Darlene; believe your life is not meant to be spent in pain over what someone else does or doesn't do, and you will do more than hope for love; that's how you'll find it!
☺️☺️ thank you for replying and I look forward to many more articles <3
Thank you, Darlene 🙂
I have gone through so much emottional turmoil , I dont even know where to begin. I am 40 years old, 2 failed marriages, and i realize finally that its me( yes, the hims too). I have always tried to take care of someone or do what i think is right so they will fall in love with me too. I am a hopeless romantic, mainly the hopeless part! I think everytime will be different(. Yes, it is because i see the bs sooner.) I have been seperated for 8 months now. I had a benefits realtion for about a month that was fine. Recently went out with someone( a freinds cousin), I was so scared and almost backed out. Why ? He is so different( but was the same) or so I thought. I always end with emotionally unavailable men! We had a great start.. iam not looking for a deep connection right now just companionship. I thought things were great. I saw him 2 x a week which was perfect for me, I could keep my distance. He wine me, dine me we always had a great time, and told me I was a blast. I was starting to rethink things in a good way. Then of curse, i could feel the distance, I told him I did and he said he didnt know what he wanted, He knew we could get serious quick. Which is not what i wanted. I was content hanging out and seeing what happens. I really didnt know what book i wanted to be in at this time let alone page. Here i set confused all over again. He said all the things ive said in the past when i didnt want something, and i know this, but it still hurts. Im just so crushed. I didnt ask for anything from the beginning and neither did he. So why assume i want something and I said that too. Help Jane. I know what my head says so why do i feel hopeless again?
While I read what I write I know how it sounds. I want to add as well. I grew up with a great father but lacking showing any affection. I know he loves me but doesn't say it. I also had nothing from my mother she's been sick my entire life. My father raised us.i have forgiven my father but not my mother. It's too much to go into. I always felt alone as I know that's why I try so hard with the wrong ones. I am now at a place that I have to love me first and take it upon myself to make me happy first. I feel blindsided by this last one. I want wanting or looking and was really determined not have any feelings. That backfired.i am glad to have found your site it has helped me see alot of things. I know what I need for the first time but I still can't let go of that last him! I did send a text telling him I'm glad he made the decision for me as I realize I didn't want anything either. Which I know I don't but I felt rejected...again. I need to find me but that lost little girl is so hidden I don't know if I can pull her up again!
Start with first steps, Browneyedgirl. This isn't going to happen overnight. It took you a long time to get here, it's going to take some time to change your self-talk, to see what is yours and what isn't, to become aware of your triggers and your blindspots. It's a journey we all share! Start by putting rejection - the whole concept - in the reality perspective that we always miss. It's not about you. And then give him some space. There's nothing you need to say to him that's worth bringing it all back to relive and go through again.
You can let go, but you have to want to. You have to be willing to trust that there's a reason you need to, for yourself, even if you don't fully believe it in the moment. Start by finding out what it means to love yourself, and start doing those things that show that little girl how loved she is. It's in the process we learn what it feels like, and we discover how much we've been missing ourselves.
Find it in you! There's nothing he's got that you can't give yourself permission to do, too. Write a letter that you don't send - for you, not for him. Write out what he can't offer you. I've got a post coming up about understanding what's happened with our first relationships with our fathers and what we're to do with that. But most of all, go easy on yourself. We do the most damage when we treat ourselves in the harsh, unforgiving ways that we do. You've been through enough already; don't add what you to do yourself on top of that. When we can forgive ourselves and stop blaming ourselves; when we can take off all that we've been bearing that was never ours to bear, we become light enough to find our own wings and learn to fly.
How my response jumped up I have no idea. What I truly would like to say as well is thank you for me and so many other women to have this place to understand that we are normal! Within our ourselves. I have never been one to care what or how I was perceive except from a man. While saying this I know now where that comes from. My own personal issues from my childhood.i know how very hard it is not to have a father growing up but not having a mother is something I can't even begin to explain. I'm hoping in my search for the true me i can let this go too. Thank you for allowing me to have the strength to look within.
Thank you for your kind words, Browneyedgirl. I'm so glad to be able to be here for you ... for all of you. It's when we look within ourselves instead of all the usual external places we look, that we find our own answers, in our own time. You're so not alone in this!
I’ve found myself comparing and beating myself over my ex’s girlfriend. I know I did the right thing by leaving the relationship when he started seeing her before we even broke up.
What is troubling to me though, is that the same woman and I was seeing the another guy years ago, out of that relationship, she had a child with the guy (I was I was also seeing) and I stayed in the relationship. I was in my twenties, eventually I moved on.
Fast forward years later to last year 2013, here it is that this woman has resurfaced. It felt like deja vu all over again and brought all my old painful feelings of the past.
I keep thinking why her AGAIN?? I left my now ex because I didn’t want to share again. But never did I expect for this.
I see them around sometimes because we all live in a small area. I have been staying home from events at times because I think they may be there and that hurts ,seeing them
I am still hurting/healing,and now have taken up with all these comparisons with her, telling myself she’s better, this is who he now loves etc etc...I was doing ok but lately I have been doing this comparison torture. I think it's because it's basically the same woman popped up over again and that's what hurts the most
Hello Everyone,
"But he does want to be with me, you say, because he says he still wants to be with me, he responds to my texts, he’s still here. He says he loves me, he just can’t give me what I’m looking for right now, but I know he'll come around". I have done this to myself so many times. I based my last relationship on this concept I believed that if you asked someone if they wanted to be with you and they said yes than obviously my instinct was wrong. Even when their actions meant the total opposite of what they was saying I still hung in there because there was no way someone would still text me, still have sex with me, and hang around me if they did not want to be with me. I cried myself to sleep at night even started having panic attacks because I believed it was because of my low self esteem that I felt like this. I based my perception on what I would do with it was me on to him, for example, I would not text someone, call someone, have sex with someone, or keep dating them if I did not want to be with them. I let that be my guide to judging the situation and it turn out to be a bad call. Just because you may not do something in a relationship does not mean the person you are in love with will not do it. That's why am finally starting to learn that you have to make sure the people you get involve with have the same shared values and understands what your boundaries are . When we meet someone and they have the same common interest, for example, sports, TV shows, music, and the biggest sexual chemistry we think we have hit the jackpot, but if who do not share the same values and stated what your boundaries are it can make for a broken relationship.
"I based my perception on what I would do with it was me on to him, for example, I would not text someone, call someone, have sex with someone, or keep dating them if I did not want to be with them." Exactly, Sophia! That's such a huge piece of the puzzle! We assume that if we wouldn't, then someone else wouldn't, and then the stories we tell ourselves, the beliefs we talk ourselves into take on a life of their own.
I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself so clearly; this is how real change - and real love - happens! 🙂
Thanks, Jane!
Like Jane, I ask this question. The answers I hear are "I don't want to be alone", I don't want to live alone", "I have physical and/or emotional needs". I have learned not to argue when people feel this way. I really want to say WAKE UP! But i am learning to approach it with compassion. Sometimes a date is just a date. Sometimes a conversation is just a conversation. Just because he is nice to you doesn't mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Stop moving in with people and then complaining about feeling used. Stop letting adults move in with you that are unable to take care of themselves, because you feel you need to help him? You want to be whole within yourself which means you have your act together and you want a mate who is whole and has his act together. If you need psychological help, get it. There is nothing wrong with getting help. A good relationship is give and take. You will have disagreements from time to time, but neither of you should be afraid of the other. Be good to yourself and find things you like to do and do them. Love will come naturally, don't try to force it to come. Free your thought life and see if you can make it through they day without thinking about a relationship. Get wisdom and live.
Thank you, Carolyn
" Stop moving in with people and then complaining about feeling used. Stop letting adults move in with you that are unable to take care of themselves, because you feel you need to help him? You want to be whole within yourself which means you have your act together and you want a mate who is whole and has his act together". Well put I have never moved in or let someone moved in with me, but I have tried to help someone because I thought they would appreciate me.
Well said, Carolyn; as always, thank you for your words of clarity!
If you have met and gotten to know each other then I can see why it it difficult to accept. Otherwise I guess you were just curious? And maybe wanting to see if you have missed out on something?
Yes. This week I turned and faced my fear. I spoke up and said to myself, to him, to anyone who would listen, that, as Jane says in her article, I deserve "...the ones that treat you well. The ones that respect you.The ones that are consistent and back up their words with their actions and don’t leave you guessing where you stand or wondering when you’re going to hear from them again.The ones that show up when they say they’re going to show up and call when they say they’re going to call. They’re the ones that bring out the best in you and make you feel better about being yourself, not worse." In claiming all of this for myself, I had to be brutally honest about the relationship I have been in and face the fear of letting go. I found that I was afraid to let go because I would then be a failure and my parent's would be right about me. I saw how hard I was working to try and prove to this guy that I was worthy of loving and then I felt that hole in my soul that I used to feel as a little girl....so empty and alone....trying so hard to be good so her parents would be happy with her finally.I am facing the fear now and saying back to it that I do not have to live in these dark empty harsh places any longer. I have all of the tools necessary to live in a loving and kind and RECIPROCAL relationship today! I can let him go....with love....into whatever life has in store for him and I can go with my life because I lack nothing....he gave me nothing....he added nothing.....I am not losing anything by wishing him well and out the door. I am grateful that I did not marry this one or buy him a car or lend him money or let him move in with me or take over the raising of his children so he could go out, etc.! Thank God that I still have my own little apartment, my own car, my beautiful family and friends and a great job! And I have me! Lovely, lovely me! And the fact that I can keep my heart open and that I can be sad that this guy did not want to love me....that is a bonus and I am proud of my open, loving heart and that I can shed a tear for loss. Nothing to be ashamed of there. Of course we want things to work out in our relationships! The trick is to stand solidly in our own lives and never ever again to let ourselves believe the lie that we have to have that guy or we are worse than nothing. Our battle cry must be "WE ARE THE PRIZE!!!!!"
Wow! Deborah that was powerful am so proud of you. I loved it our battle cry must be "WE ARE THE PRIZE!!!!!!!!!!"
Exactly, Deborah! Take out the shame, the guilt and everything else we put on ourselves because of the old stories we've been telling ourselves and let your beautiful, true self shine through. "We are the prize!!!" Exactly! Because someone who is truly right for you will never, ever need to be convinced of this. And when you make this your own mantra, and internalize it deep down in those darkest places inside you,no one can ever take that away from you!
Hello,
I certainly agree with Maris when she spoke with facing your fears and looking deep within your heart to overcome those. While it is a very difficult thing to do, once it happens, it is so empowering! I too have been and back into a toxic relationship with someone who can't fully commit. Long story but my attraction to him stems back to my relationship with my father who constanting "rejected" me through my life. And so I'm looking to fix what I lost in my relationship with my father in this person that is in my life. While I love him and certainly have no doubts that he in his own way loves me, his inability to give me what I need is very sad for me. However, my life does continue on. I love myself and the life that I have created for me. I am blessed with a wonderful family and friends and my hope for the future is great! At the end of the day, my heart is pure and loving and I hold on to that.....
Melanie
Thanks for sharing your story, Melanie; it's this awareness of your own triggers, your own story, that empowers you, that allows you to choose your life the way you want it to be. That's huge! It gives you the confidence in yourself, in knowing the full reality of "what is" that allows you to choose what he is worth to you and to be confident in making your own life regardless of what someone else does or doesn't do. Love your spirit here, Melanie!
I can relate to Melanie. I too think it's about my father. He has passed so I can't do anything now.
He left us so young and came in and out of my life. Never really getting to know me so it was just pieces of him.
I did not know him and he never knew me in so many ways. Maybe that's what's wrong with me and men I seem to attract.
Thanks for sharing Melanie.
Yes, I have the same understanding about my relationship with my dad. It is hard to reprogram that thinking. takes time.
It's being aware of this relationship that's the most important part, Deborah and Wendy and Melanie. I'm going to delve deeper into this in an upcoming post but I touched on this briefly in a previous post about my own realization of the role this first relationship played in the men I was attracting. More to come!
Well Melanie. It is scary !
Let me tell you something private I lost my father at 13 years of age. He died
After 4 years being invalid.
And I now face these emotions about it! Now that I am 28.
I see there were moment I missed a father and needed advice from a man, a father.
It was a missing piece in my life as growing up. I even sometimes was mad, that he was gone.
Like a victim role"why me". But that doesn't bring me nowhere!
So I want to say be grateful that you can call a man, a dad. And can
Talk to you, even if it's small talk.
I wish in my heart that I could just call him and say hello.
I do pray toward him now and look at his picture when I do .
🙂
Hey Jane, Really enjoyed it today.
You are so right. Why do we accept less than we deserve. Why do we keep beating a "dead horse"?
Because there is no one else? I have to be strong and not give in to my weakness of having him like this.
I do deserve something better, and I keep praying the Lord will bring him to me! 🙂 Wendy
So glad this resonated with you today, Wendy. 🙂 Give your questions some time and thought and you'll find the answers become clearer. Within those answers that only you can answer for yourself, the life and the love you're looking for become that much closer than just somewhere "out there"!
Hi all,
There are just too many men who are like this. I used to feel that it was something I was doing. I attract the ones who really want to be close and cared for so they act that way IN THE BEGINNING. Getting too close seems to scare them so that when you have fallen for them...BANG...they back off. They leave before you can leave them. I've had many actually say this. So, because there is nothing I can do...I am by myself. And the experience of internet dating...OMG...worse...as they are safer behind a computer screen than meeting you in person. If they contact you online they want to bypass, emails, phone calls and go right to meet. If you are who you say you are physically and personally...it's worse..no second dates. ?????? It's not worth the constant rejection. 🙂 Susan
I'm so glad you've come to see the reality for what it is, Susan; it is never anything that you're doing - it is always about them! 🙂
What a deep article .
If I can say it in short words . It's about seeing those harsh emotions and
The fears that create them.
My experience is when you believe the fears , you start to live
In fear more and more .
I was afraid to see the fear & embrace it, that it dissolves easy.
I believed that the fears would never go away.
But they do I you face them.
What the unhealthy part for me was, that my heart was like almost dead.
I could not feel deep in my heart, I could not open.
The fear was like a cloud before storm . It was harming me, and I was letting it become
Bigger.
Now that I face my fears, I feel better. And I feel that my heart speaks to me
More. My inner compass is everyday coming more alive.
I don't feel sad that I don't have a partner to share my life .
I am proud of not Staying or dating unhealthy man, just to
Feel less fear .
What a comfortable place to have inner peace & loving my body more
And more every day. The most beautiful part is, the answer was me.
No man could have ever thought me this! I never knew, the answer is
Inside of me.
Now if a partner comes. I will be more comfortable and open.
And maybe it is the reason why I am still not in a relationship ,
Because I had to go through all of this learning about me.
Sometimes it's scary , will I meet my partner ever? But I just let the
Question in my heart. My heart tells me love is everywhere , just smile & see love
In everything.
Thanks Jane
For reminding me! Bless you!
'morning Maris! Good comments! I admire your inner peace and growing love for yourself. I am walking this with you.
Hi Deborah,
🙂
Yes we will walk through it with Jane. I am glad to hear you have chosen
You & your inner self!
Bless you!
So real, Maris, so beautifully raw. You've put into words what so many of us know to be true without the words to describe it. Your heart - and your soul - the essence of you - does speak to you. It tells you the truth about your fears, about what's real and what isn't, about what the fear is really about. But only when we're open to hearing it.
It's just as you've discovered for yourself, "Now that I face my fears, I feel better. And I feel that my heart speaks to me more. My inner compass is everyday coming more alive." Yes! It's peeling away those layers behind the fear - behind what stops us in our tracks - that brings everything out in the open where the reality of what truly is, versus the cultural programming that we've made our own, reveal a far deeper freedom to be ourselves and be loved for who we are, than we could otherwise have ever known.
Deep, yes, because that's just how deep our fears, own programming, our beliefs, our stories go!
Hi Maris,
Your comments are always so beautiful. Stay bless! 🙂
i still have this guy at the back of my mind, i can't let him go, i feel like i want to give him a 2nd chance with the friendship, i'm hoping he remembers my birthday 11 june. i still remember his birthday 10 july. i can't forget about him,
he said in his last FB message that said "” Sorry this is my final communication I know you will reply but wont reply back. Sorry for delays but I'm ending a friendship that didn't really have anything going as far as I could see. I know you had plans but you will have to move on I did your friend a favor but wasn't making any promises to her that it would have a happy ending. (Beautician). If I liked domeo e I would spend a day or two a week seeing them for 6 months I was ignoring meeting you n thought chatting would be the go. I don't see a future with you in it or as friends in my life that's why i'm ending this now you might upset but there's no reason to be as nothing happened between us. So that's it sorry but its been a waste of my time . I've blocked your messages n phone. Please don't hassle me on here I will keep ignoring you . Hope you find what your looking for i'm not that person sorry. I will not reply back you so don't reply just read that's its over n move on thanks."
that was on the 4th Feb 2014
after that day i felt like i wanted to say sorry, reply and that can we still be friends. my mum n her beautician set me up with him in the 1st place & when he gave me the msg i was really upset on the day n thought i hope he can come back around again in 2 - 6 months time. my friend who's a lady to told me to cool things off with him n give it 2- 6 months. i always added him as a friend every 2 weeks but he would decline my friend request. i don't want to block him. i don't want to give up on him 🙁 i thought of putting him in the back of mind which i did. after march i stopped giving him friend requests n see if he will give me 1.
i thought if i still kept giving him friend requests he could block me n stopped it so i don't want to be blocked. i have a friend who's a girl she asks me this question over n over "have u heard from him" i'm like Why u telling me this, he's on her friends list but not on mine n she's already got a BF but it's not the guy that unfriended me. i never liked being unfriended on Facebook n i always wonder why
i haven't deleted his number from my phone yet. Why do i keep it" so i can use it as a reference.
my heart says give him a 2nd chance, i don't know if i should.
he was always a busy man n i thought meet him in sep was bad/ok because he was busy we only saw each other 2x
should i give him a friend request & birthday (long msg) on his birthday n 2nd chance friendship as part of his gift. i always think maybe he could add me n give me a FB msg on my birthday. i wanna say something like how u've been, i want to give our friendship a 2nd chance bcoz it didn't work out in the 1st place & what i've been doing n what he's been doing etc, in the end i think of saying sorry i haven't bothered u on here, thank u for taking ur time for reading this msg, i hope we can still be friends again.
i came up with the 2nd chance Idea from a song Second Chance - Shinedown n i picked up the line
"sometimes goodbye is a 2nd chance"
i can't let it go & still think he's the 1 there's no1 good for me out there 🙁
i feel like a character from the movie frozen
When we invite drama into our lives by entertaining it in spite of all indicators that it's not serving us well, there's always a reason. Try and find that reason in your own life and you will find the key to your freedom from being with someone who is clearly telling you "don't reply, don't respond, just read that it's over and move on". He's a decent enough guy that he took the time to write those words to you without simply disappearing, but the only one you're hurting by reading anything more into those words and what he did or didn't do, is yourself.
I know it's hard to let go when you hold out hope that he's the one for you, but the reality is, someone has to want you to give them a second chance for you to give them one. There will always be a song or a movie character that speaks to you that gives you some new momentum on your fantasy if you're looking hard enough for it. There will always be some tiny crumb you can grasp onto and run with it all the way into yet another heartbreak. But why? Why put yourself through this? He's moved on. Now it's your turn. You're worth so, so much more than this, than this following a dream with someone who doesn't want to be a part of it.
Keep your beautiful dream, Courtney, but save it for someone who's on the same page as you, who wants what you want, who wants to be with you and is willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Why do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't want anything to do with you? Tell yourself the truth, Courtney, and release yourself. You deserve to be free to be loved for who you are and all that you have to offer just because you're you. That's what a real relationship is all about.
Courtney. This guy is not for you, and every second you keep hoping he will come around is a waste of your beautiful life. This guy wants completely different things in life than you, and he realises the reality. You must realise the same, and stop feeling rejected and stop being stubborn and wanting something that never was meant for you. The only beautiful thing in this story with him was you and your dreams. They are not gone, they are all there inside you. Now project all that love and all that hope you have, on you, only you. Project those dreams and hope you are saving for him, do it now and do it on you. Go out there, take a beautiful walk in the nature and feel alive, buy a ice cream in a flavour you didn't try before and talk to a stranger. Write a letter to your self and tell you all about your dreams in life, and print it and put it on your door. And live that dream!
Dear Jane,
I'm not even sure how you came up on my email, but your email today was truly written for me. I have been hooked on a guy that I can't let go of for over two years. It is debilitating, to say the least. We broke up two years ago . I have gone out on many dates, but have yet to make a real connection with anyone, which always leads me back to him. He has lived with another girl, and is also dating many women. We talk and get together about once every month or so, and always have a great time together. I won't allow myself to sleep with him, because that just makes it harder. I always hope that eventually he will come back around, because when we are together he always says he loves me but we met at the wrong time. Every time I'm with him, it feels great for the moment, but then I am left feeling so defeated and let down and depressed- worse than before. It is truly debilitating, and than I don't hear from him for another month or so. I want do badly to forget about him and be able to move on. I don't want to pick up his calls but I can't help myself no matter how hard I try... He is like a bad drug. I know I deserve a lot better than him, but why can't I move on? I have been to therapists, talked to friends, and read all kinds of books. I know I deserve way better, so why cant I let go?
HI Li Li, I hear you describe myself in your history. For me it hash´t been two years, but one, and I´m now convinced to not let it be another day and it really hurts in me hearing you are suffering for the same reason. My story is similar, an affair with a guy that was in an open relationship, he let me know it maybe was possible to come around for him, but of course he didm´t change and he lives with his girl friend that is apparently fine with that kind of relationship. I have tried everything as well, trying to think about everything and all and find he key that gives me freedom and peace in mind. The jealousy was eating me, the kick he gave me was not comparable, I thought I was losing the love of my life, I´ve been through all stages. Then I finally understood and everything clicked. You know, I don´t want what he can offer. I am not jealous at his girl friend, cause I don´t want what he is giving. Do you want some one that can not commit to you? Do you want some one that needs to sleep with other women? That does´t value you, his gf or any women? Do you want some one that calls you once a month? You don´t want it. You really don´t. You think you want him, but you´re wrong, you want him to change. But you know what, then it is not him and that is great news because then you can start looking around out there for all other men waiting for you! The men that can commit, the men that calls you, the men that gives you exactly the same butterflies in the tummy as this guy, but the men that are true to them selves and to you, the men that doesn't make you search for truths in their lies, the men that are genuine. And they are out there, you just need to trust in it. Trust in you, that you will feel it again, cause you will. But you need to understand you DON`T want what this dough bag is offering you. It´s nothing but crap, why would you want that? Next time, don´t pick up the phone. Just don´t. Try. And feel how powerful you feel by doing that choice. You´re the one in control and the one rejecting the crap. You can do it. I trust you, you should also do it!
This is how people get into toxic relationships
Exactly, Jackie! Fear has us doing all kinds of things - and keeps us doing those things - that we would never do without it!
Amen!
Dear Jane,
This is so right. I have been wondering the same thing all these days: if I already know that he is not that great, why can't I just seem to let go? It is so clear to me, it is actually fear.
I met a guy last October. We seemed to get along right from the get go, or so I thought. We shared a lot, hung out often and he was always flirty in my opinion. Of course there were red flags. The first one came about a month later when he said he liked me, but that he didn't want things to get complicated. He loved being with me, but he wanted it to stay that way. It hurt when he said that, because I had heard this before in my life, but I still stuck around thinking: oh well, at least we can be friends?
Sadly I had already started to like him so much, that when he left for a whole month to visit a "lady friend" across the atlantic, I felt so depressed.
I wrote to him a couple times to see how he was doing while he was there, and his answers were very monosyllabic. I understood he was probably having a great time with that other girl, so I decided to not write anymore and to just back off once he was back.
When he was back from his trip, he throw a party at his places and of course invited me, too but I so wasn't in the mood to hear all about his "amazing" vacation with someone else, let alone see pictures, so I didn't show up.
He texted me a couple days later and asked when we could see each other again. I thought it was odd and I also thought he would be busy, so I just said: I don't know. Whenever you have time. I thought I had bought myself some time to come up with a forced excuse later. The joke was on me because he said: I have time, so tonight? I agreed to drop by. I seemed distant and I tried to talk about my own stuff as much as I could so he didn't get a chance to mention his trip. He greeted me so well, like you could see he was genuinely happy to see me. He hugged me and said he missed me. I was completely baffled. We continued to hang out a couple more times. One day I told him I thought I was scared because I could fall for him and I didn't want to if I shouldn't. His answer was so annoying: I don't want you to be scared. If anything, I want you to feel good around me, in my world, with my friends. Here's the thing: I like you, I like you a lot. But it's not like I love you... It's more like I feel good when you're around me. I feel better when you're next to me. I could easily take you home after every party we go to, but I don't want to. I like it when you stay here in my home with me and spend the weekend. (Yes, I was spending almost every weekend at his place. Sleeping on the same bed, cuddling, no sex). His answer was not satisfying to me, so once again I tried to distance myself. I managed to stay clear off his path for about two weeks but then he looked for me again. We went out dancing, as usual except this time, all of a sudden he kissed me on the way back... twice. Fast forwarding a little, we started kissing but never when his friends were around, till on his birthday, he kissed me in a way that left me breathless in front of his entire group of friends and some of mine. (Later I found out that when one of his friends asked him what was going on between us, he said he didn't remember kissing me at all 🙁 ) Later, we ended up having sex, and the next day he says to me: do you think it was a good idea? I don't want things to get complicated if tomorrow I meet someone else and I end up hooking up with her... I felt so devastated. I felt cheap, mistreated on so many levels.
I decided yet again to not see him after that. He kept asking me out. Then one day I finally found it in me to tell him on the phone what was going on: I need to walk away because I am having feelings for you that are getting strong and clearly that's a mistake that I need to rectify. I am just gonna be absent for a while. I thought he would back off, since he keeps saying that he cares about me very much as a very good friend (oh.. the thought just kills me). No. He kept looking for me, this time more renlentlessly. I can't seem to shake things off. I have seen him a couple of times because his friends have invited me to some events they have hosted, I try to stay away from him, on the other side of the room, but he keeps chasing me around. On one of those occasions I noticed he had a photo of the girl he visited on his vacation as the background photo on his phone. That nearly destroyed the last inch of self-esteem I had.
My brain knows I have to walk away, because he clearly doesn't care about my feelings. It just seems so hard at the moment. I am new here in this city and I have no friends to turn to.
I hope with my own inner strength and this site to walk away from this downward spiral I've been falling into for 7 months now.
Thanks for the words, Jane. Please keep them coming.
You can do this, Angel; and you will. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time, and fear plays such a strong role in the ways we behave and the things we do when it seems so all encompassing. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this now, for realizing what you need to do for you, for your self-esteem and your confidence, and for realizing that you deserve so much more than being anyone's hookup or option until something or someone else comes along. You're the prize, Angel!
One step a time, take the next one, and the next, until you're comfortable with each next step that will pave the way and make clear the next one. We only need to know the next one because by the time you get there, the next one will become more clear from there. Don't let anything he does or doesn't do, or any pictures or words destroy you, Angel; these are things that are about him and not about you. When you can separate yourself from him, and remember that what he says and does in no way reflects on your worth, you are free to move on and step into your own sweet freedom. It's not a rejection of you, it's simply a reality check that sometimes we can't see any other way.
It can be lonely finding your bearings in a new city, Angel,so find those groups and meetups, and organizations and activities that you're interested in or thinking about joining to find some like-minded people who are into the same things and can help connect you with others like them as well. This is an exciting opportunity to see what else is out there, and you'll never know what exciting adventures await you until you begin. This is just the beginning; there's so much more to live and love that awaits you. And I will keep these coming!