You’re learning by now that being anything but your true self isn't going to help you find the guy or the love that you’re looking for.
You’re figuring out that whoever you really are is enough for someone who’s truly right for you, even if you still have some work to do on this one.
You get the idea.
You’re learning how to accept the reality of what is instead of the fairytale that you so want it to be.
You’re recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around. That it’s your choice, your decision, and that short-term heartbreak is always better than investing more time, more energy, more of your beautiful self in someone who isn't there and, more importantly, doesn't want to be.
And as difficult as these concepts have been for you to get to, you’re getting there. It’s not just me now saying these things to you, you’re starting to see these truths in your own life and put them into your own words.
But there’s something else you’re doing that isn't doing anything to help your confidence or self-esteem, and you’re not alone in failing to see how this keeps hurting you in more ways than you realize time and time again.
It’s this awful habit so many of us have of comparing yourself to others.
It’s this looking at who’s single and who’s not.
It’s this looking at what they've got that you think you don’t. It’s this competitive type thinking that leaves you feeling so much worse - not better - about yourself and who you are.
Because the reality is this isn't a competition.
This isn't about vying for a place in some love contest where there’s only a select group of winners. This isn't about trying to be more than someone else is or trying to figure out what they have that you don’t and why this makes you wrong.
They have their own story (and it’s probably not the story you think it is).
But it’s not about them.
It’s about you.
This is about finding your own path, finding out who you are and what you need to be happy. This is about learning to love yourself for who you are. Sure, we all want to be our best selves and make whatever changes we want to make to be the best people we can be.
But it’s not about changing the essence of who you are in the process.
It’s about acceptance, love and compassion. For who you are and how far you've come! For all that you have, for all that you are, for all that you have to offer and all that no one else in the world has quite like you do.
For all that makes you uniquely you.
Our culture may have us all believing it’s all about looks; how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how physically perfect you are by a standard that isn't even real, as we’re finding out all the time.
But real love isn't about that. If it were, only the attractive people would find love and everyone else would be alone. In fact, I've discovered it to be quite the opposite. The majority of people who have the easiest time finding love and getting married are some of the most “average” people I know by our culture’s standards.
But to the ones they’re with, they’re anything but “average”.
And it’s also no coincidence that many of the women who have the hardest time finding someone are some of the most beautiful women by that same cultural standard.
Find the beauty in you.
Inside and out.
Make a list of all those beautiful qualities you possess. Use affirmations to help you remember these and post that list somewhere that you can easily see it on a daily basis.
Write out everything you have to offer someone who shows himself to be worthy of you.
You won’t need to convince him of your worth. You won’t need to sell him on you. If he’s the one for you, he’ll see it for himself . And if he doesn't, let that be your sign. He’s not the one.
That’s always how you know.
Have you found yourself falling into the trap of comparing yourself to other women - either women you know, or in the media? Tell us about it in the comments!
Hello Jane! Question - I recently read "The Rules" and it states that women should never initiate any contact with men, laugh at all of his jokes, not start too many conversations and only just respond. I don't know if I agree with this concept as it is withholding who I am. I do agree that women should not do the chasing as it is the man's role; however, I don't find it damaging if the woman says hello first via text message once in a while. What is your take?
I've written some previous articles on this subject that should help you find your way here, Saumya. Drop the rules, and subtle ways to let a man know you're interested. Most of all, follow your own intuition as to what is and isn't ok. While you want to be hard to get - not play hard to get, the last thing you want to do is "withhold who you are", because if you're not being true to yourself, you won't know if you're truly compatible!
"The majority of people who have the easiest time finding love and getting married are some of the most “average” people I know by our culture’s standards."
Gosh that's so true. I was always amazed at how quickly and easiliy so many "average" people I've known paired up and got married. And I work with a lot of people a couple decades older than me and it's amazing how all of them are married, and with many of them it blows my mind that somebody like them found someone.
It often made me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. How can EVERYONE around me seem to find someone, and here I am just striking out over and over and over. Clearly everybody seems to understand something i don't. I'm an awesome person, great social life, amazing life full of cool hobbies etc.
Haha. It used to bug me a lot but lately I think I have stopped caring. Some of us are just better off on our own and I've become okay with this for the long term.
I used to wonder about that all the time, Sky11. Don't doubt yourself for one moment, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you! Keep listening to that little voice inside you that knows who you are and what you deserve. When you love who you are and love your life, that's the most beautiful place to be and something no one can ever take away from you!
I'm a 35-year-old single, attractive female, and I'm ready for a committed, loving relationship. After years of picking bad men (two convicted felons, my married teacher, etc.) I finally thought I found the one. He was emotive, dependable, attractive as hell, sweet, kind...but just one thing: completely and utterly wounded. He had a traumatic breakup with his ex of four years (he caught her in a car with her boss) that occurred just two months before we met. That was my biggest red flag with him but he seemed ready for something. He told me he approached me because of my dating profile (I say I'm loyal, committed, etc.) But then he started saying: after my ex, I never want to be in a relationship, and when I asked for an explanation, he asked me to be patient and I told him I would just see where things went with us. He was still online (that's where we met) and he said he was talking to and corresponding with other women because he didn't want to put all his eggs in my basket. I was dating other people too, but only because he was. So we dated for two months and I really was falling for him. He was kind and gentle and masculine and sweet and dependable. Until he wasn't. Around his birthday he had asked me to celebrate by meeting his twin and some of his family. His twin brother lives in the same city my sister does, so we made a weekend of it. And what a weekend it was! I felt more and more connected to him, and was just so thrilled that we were falling for one another in the way we were. I ended up staying in the city an extra week, because I was between jobs and I spent that time with my sister. He went back to the city where we live and at first, things were swell. He sent me a bunch of texts thanking me for a heartfelt card I gave him, and he also called me. But then I started to feel that he checked out. And when I came back into town, something weird happened. I had asked him to hang out the night I was coming in and he agreed. The day I left the city I sent him a text but he didn't respond. That was very much NOT like him. Then I sent him an email the next morning and he responded with a long explanation of how his friend had thrown a surprise party for him, and his entire family came out from the mid-West, blah blah. He then asked me if I wanted to meet said family. Of course I said I did. The next few messages he again mentioned me meeting his family. But then he stopped responding to my texts/emails. I got the feeling he didn't want me to meet his family after all and sent him an email saying that it seemed things were hectic and that we should catch up after they left town. He sent me another long email about how he was feeling bad that he hadn't responded to me and that things were hectic, etc. I was feeling really upset at that point. I didn't respond to his email but he then sent me a text asking if I got his email. I told him I did, I missed him a ton, and that we would catch up later in the week. But the next day I was just a mess. I needed some clarity. I sent him a text asking him to call me and he did that night. The first thing I asked him was if I was important to him. We had a long-ass conversation where I point blank asked him if he saw a future between us and he said no, that he couldn't see a future with anyone. I then asked him the question that was gnawing at me: was he seeing other people. He told me he had started speaking to a girl, went on a date with her and brought her back to his apartment. I was devastated. I ended it right then and there...Well, 30 days passed and I IM'ed him. We IM'ed for about 20 minutes and he said sorry again. I asked him what happened and he said he did feel a spark with me, he just didn't want anything serious. Well then I found out that he's "seeing someone" and not the someone he made out with that I left him over. So he's seeing someone new. This was 5 days ago (the IM) and I feel so bad about myself! I am making it all about me and wondering if he is going to commit to her. I am reading all these articles which say that he didn't commit to me because he didn't like me enough, etc. etc. I just hate feeling this way! I want to forget about him and will do anything I can do to that, but what scares me the most is this: I used to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. He didn't present himself this way but this is what he turned into. I just want to protect myself to make sure this doesn't happen again. I feel so sad and lost and that my self-esteem is suffering. How can what we had just be gone that quickly? How can he move on and forget about me so quickly? I just feel so jaded now.
As long as you look back and try to figure him out, your self-esteem will continue to suffer, Sweet44. This wasn't about you, it's not about you not being enough, it's not about there being anything wrong with you, his choosing to date other women and not want to be with you and you only has absolutely nothing to do with you! And this is why we go down in that downward spiral that is so hard to get back out of; because we make it about us! We insist on blaming ourselves, on making it about you not being worthy of him, on making it being about you not being good enough for someone who you thought was finally not like all the rest. But you couldn't have known! It takes time - real living time - getting to know someone well enough to find that out.
It's time to stop being so hard on yourself. It's time to stop beating yourself up for being wrong about him, because whenever we feel the worst about ourselves, it's always because we've taken on all our feelings of rejection onto ourselves - instead of looking at it for what it really is; two people not on the same page, not looking for the same thing, not willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's it. No rejection; simply a reality check. You wouldn't be happy with him in the long run, as much as it seemed like he was different. And as hard as this was to have it end like this, it happens when it's the only way we'll see it. It can be gone that quickly if he wants it to be. He can move on and forget about you so quickly if he chooses to. It has nothing to do with you. And you're still that same beautiful, desirable woman you were when you met him. That hasn't changed. Next time, you can remember that you don't really know someone well enough until enough time has passed for you to see every side of him. Next time, you can remember that you're the one doing the choosing, that you're the prize! And right now, you can look at the roots of why these men - even the ones who don't seem this way at first - still hold some attraction to you. You're not here to make anyone love you; you're here to be loved!
But first, hold everything and stop beating yourself up. You're human. You're not alone. And you deserve to be loved just as you are by someone who's truly compatible with you. Slow things down, don't give yourself away, and know that it takes time to go from where you've been to where you're going. You deserve nothing less than all the love in the world, and that's exactly what you'll find when you refuse to settle for anything less than what you know in your heart you deserve!
I've got this habit everytime I meet a new guy i'm shy in the 1st 2 month then I get to attached to him because I think he's the 1 and I thought he was the 1 around Nov 13 because it looked like he was showing some interests, I wanted to keep txt'ing him 3 - 4x a day everyday n still waited for him to reply -> there was times he would reply saying talk fri at 10pm n when the time came around he didn't come on bcoz he would be out or having a early night or forgot. I don't want a man to forget about me. i like guys who are organised n let me know what time they will talk to me at a time not making the time for it. there was times saying on a txt everyday when & what day are we gonna talk on fb? sometimes he says i don't know yet or i'll let you know. he can't spell properly. i was thinking of re adding him as a friend on FB this easter n it's been 2 months i haven't been in contact with him or gave him a msg or looked at his FB profile. i'm too scared n shy to go to his profile bcoz of his martial status saying he's in a relationship but i sometimes think how's it possible for him to be busy n have a GF. some part of me says he's still single n will keep open for me. idk if i should 1. wait for him to add me on my birthday, 2. add him around easter, 3. wait for him to add me on my birthday or 4. give him a birthday msg n add him as friends as part of the gift on his birthday. mine is before his. i always thought he's the 1 but in feb he said he doesn't see me in his life or as a GF n i still like him as a friend. if he had said delete my number i would but i haven't from my phone. my friends say he's got a GF but i don't believe in them. idk what to do anymore
Someone can only forget about you if they want to forget about you, Courtney. Look at what you do know for sure about him, Courtney. Listen to what he's told you. When someone says he doesn't see you in his life or as a girlfriend, he's telling you the truth about where he's at and what he thinks about you. As hard as it is to accept this, you have to look at why you're willing to accept anything from him - especially when it's not what you deserve! - just to try to keep that hope alive. It's not about when or if you add him as a friend on Facebook, it's about the bigger picture of whether your time and energy and all that you have to offer, would be better spent on someone who is on your page, who does want what you want with you, and is someone who would you would never have to wonder about his feelings for you.
You deserve to be happy, Courtney, and you have so much to offer someone who is truly compatible with you. I know it's not easy to let go of someone who you have such strong feelings for and who you believe only needs some time to come around. But with someone who's right for you, it won't just look like he was showing some interest; he'll make sure you know. You can't make anyone love you, nor do you ever want to because you're not here to convince anyone of your worth; you're here to be your best, beautiful self and refuse to settle for any of the crumbs that we call love. There is so much more to love and life than this!
Thank you again Jane for another spot on article 😀
I'm learning that comparing myself to other women is futile and mentally draining! Ever since I was a young child I've had the habit of comparing myself. (Both my Mum and Dad had low self esteem and I've learned from them). I've also learned that I'm unique, just like you said. We all are. No-one in this whole world is like me, there's only one Donna from Scotland lol, well actually there are hundreds of Donna's from Scotland, but you see what I mean, right?
Just because I look at someone who has a husband, a child etc etc, (which I've never had) doesn't mean they are happy with themselves or their lives and that's what I keep having to remind myself. I'm living alone and loving it, make all my own decisions, pray, meditate every day, have no debt, no children, can come and go whenever I please, have a pyjama day, exercise or not! I don't have any savings or the big house or big car or have exotic holidays, but I do have peace inside myself and that's what's important to me. I do have health issues which prevent me from working now but that has taught me to slow down, because I used to have to be doing, doing, doing but now I'm being, being, being 😀
Love
Donna xxx
I see exactly what you mean, Donna, and I love seeing how you've come to this for yourself. Beautifully said! 🙂
Thank you Jane! You were reading my mind again. I got on the elevator this morning with a woman who has the body type and ethnicity that I have been told by the man I am currently with really 'knocks his socks off!'. First I ask myself....how do I even know this about this guy? Well, because he has told me and shown me when we are out together. Ugh! Second, I realize that this way of evaluating myself goes back much further than this guy. It is the way I was taught to see myself by magazines and movies and television programs and a mom who grew up in the 50's. And out of this I have developed the belief that it is such an honor just to be chosen that I must grab on tightly when I am and not let go! It is slow going....but I am really looking hard at who I am. And there are some things, like this constant comparison/competition with women, that I really want to change. So each time I see a woman like the person on the elevator this morning, I look into here eyes and talk with her and stand tall in my own skin and wish here well. And there are some things, like my love of singing, that I want to nourish and grow. I am sure this process will never stop. But I do want to get to the place where my ok-ness does not rest in the hands of one more guy. I want to meet my mate on the common grounds of reality and kindness and mutual respect for who we are and where we want to go in our lives as individuals and, possibly, together.
What a beautiful process you're walking through here, Deborah! Discovering where the roots of these beliefs lie in your upbringing and then being able to separate the reality from the programming as you find your own ways to release the hold these have on you. I love your process of bringing women like this down off the pedestal you might otherwise put them on by talking to them, by meeting them on an equal playing field and discovering through this just how real - how human - they are, and just how much alike we all are! Thank you for sharing this practical way of doing this; it can be applied to so many people in so many different situations where, without this process, we can simply repeat this mindset cycle instead of letting it take on a life of its own within us. You're already getting there, Deborah, more than you may even realize!
I compare much myself much less. Because I am 28 years, still single and
Have a true wish to live in peace with myself and others.
Now I do have a wish to become one day a mother, offcourse it would be
Amazing to have a partner who loves and cares for me and, and I for him.
So when my family or collegues who I ar my age get the partner and baby.
I do sometimes feel that " oh how blessed they are" .
There was A time where i thought " i wish it was me" or "hurry up Maris your 28 , older you get the less chance"
But not anymore. Because I believe that some are blessed with it
And some are not.
What is normal?
In Every continent and country the "normal" is different.
I think it is in how you feel in your heart!
Now offcourse It is up to me to try and create my story , with the knowing & wisdom that I have know.
So that I do not regret when i am older!
I compare with no one. I do find inspiration in other women in
A spiritual way or a healthy way. The people that give sarcastic
Judgement( while I didn't asked for it) like "wow you should find Soon a man " or " when I was
Your age I had this and this bla" or " don't be so picky, just take him"
I realy don't take it personally anymore , it would only confuse me or
Make me doubt my own self! And That aint going to bring me nowhere.
Great article Jane.
A reminder to honour ourself!
I'm so glad you're seeing this for what it is, Maris. Being able to stand back and not take the comments and thoughts and suggestions of others personally when it isn't in alignment with you, is such a strong place to be. For it's as you say, when we look at this from a more diverse point of view, what is "normal" anyway"? - when every culture has its own "normal" that differs around the world. It is exactly how you feel in your heart that matters and comes through more than anything else.
Thanks Jane...you have walked on my street again. LOL!!! I was comparing myself to my ex now friend. She carries a title of Nurse, MBA degree, half a million dollar house and savings. I do not want to go into education debt, I enjoy what I do as an Assistant it does not pay much but I enjoy my job. I own a small condo and I do not have a saving, because I walked away from a marriage with nothing but clothes (my choice). I realized that whoever is for me will love me for me not a title, degree or money. I AM LOVING ME!!!!
Exactly, BRD - "whoever is for me with love me for me ... " And that's exactly how you'll know him!