One of our beautiful readers, Kathy, recently wrote me a letter that brought up many points that really resonated with me. So many of the things she wrote about are such central themes to this blog, and I know from her letter that what she really needs right now is our support.
Her letter:
Hi Jane,
I feel like I'm treading water surviving the emotional pain that's ongoing as I adjust to my boyfriend of 4 years breaking up with me suddenly..turning me off like a faucet after telling me he is in love zillions of times..that we are compatible etc.
In response to your newsletter and so many painful stories people share it seems like so often it's difficult when one is in a relationship to know what expectations are reasonable. If we haven't had good role models in our past sometimes we don't trust our instincts when we "think" there are red flags. I said think to show doubt..as often we don't even know if everyone has these kinds of problems!
Often when we find something in the relationship to be upsetting to us..and we share that with our boyfriend getting a negative result we can feel like OUR perspective on the situation is the problem because we don't have confidence in knowing what is reasonable...or we don't trust our instincts.
Also I find myself being the introspective one in a relationship..if a conflict arises I think about what I can do to make things better and I put myself in check to understand why something is so important to me. It's so painful when one's partner is not also caring enough to think about their own behavior or position.
When one doesn't trust their instincts or perceptions then there can be an unfortunate result of caving in to another's position. Eventually this can even become demeaning to one's self. It seems that if two are truly in love they'd be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve a conflict, to compromise at the very least..and to absolutely seek to share their thoughts and understand.
Jane, thank you so much for all your support!
My response:
I so hear you, Kathy; everything you're saying, and exactly as you're saying it. We can feel so alone in this, feeling like we are the only ones going through this journey of trying to navigate what is reasonable, what is not, and how to honor and love yourself while still relating to another person with their own ideas about the same things at the same time.
And when we're not sure if we're worth it, or if we can trust ourselves, let alone what anyone else says, we drift even further from our beautiful true selves.
I'll be addressing some of your thoughts here in some future posts, Kathy; you've brought up some of the very things I used to ask myself. You're never alone in what you're going through and as hard as it is right now, stay with yourself, listen to your own beautiful heart and soul and know that you will get through this by remembering that this is about him, not you; that you have to be on the same page to have a real relationship, and that the very last thing you want to do is blame yourself or beat yourself up here for anything you think you could or "should" have done differently.
We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.
Much love to you, my beautiful friend. We're going to get there to that place where it doesn't matter about our past and what we didn't have or didn't get doesn't matter. You are worth more than this and just because someone behaved a certain way or answered you in a certain way doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what you want or what you're asking for.
You can't ask for too much from someone who is right for you!
Love,
Jane
Can you offer any additional words of encouragement and support for our beautiful friend Kathy? Tell us in the comments!
I need to add something very important. After i moved out, i was immediatey confused and started to miss my husband. I thougth i kept this all from my old love but...he may have sensed it. this has been so exhausting. I am so confused but wanted an opportunity to talk again to my old love, i am still separated and seeing a therapist to sort things out
I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist, Mqry. What you absolutely need most right now, more than anything else, is that kind of support from someone who's closer to the situation who can help you through this. It sounds like it was such a beautiful fantasy for him on some level, and when it came true, instead of being able to enjoy it, it sounds like the reality of it suddenly became too much for him.
I know it's so hard not to have that closure, to be able to talk to him honestly and openly about what's happened. But he's not there. He's not able to have that kind of conversation with you, for so many reasons that have nothing to do with you but everything to do with him.
The most important thing you can do for yourself right now, Mqry, is to not be so hard on yourself. You did the best with what you knew at the time. We all have our own regrets; we all would choose so many things differently if we had the view that only hindsight can give us. You're so not alone!
If he sensed that you felt confused and were missing your husband, that wouldn't have been a reason for someone to behave the way he did with you because that would be a completely normal - and understandable! - reaction to having just left a marriage with someone you were with for so long and have such a history with. If he did sense it and reacted this way instead of being supportive and understanding of what you were going through, this should further confirm for you the type of person he really is when it comes to really being there for you when you needed him most. Don't blame yourself for the way you behaved or how you might have come across to him. We're all human. It's by being our true selves - which included all kinds of emotions! - that we find out who's right for us and who isn't by the way they receive us and by the way they respond to us being our true selves.
You will get through this. It's a letdown to something that sounded so good on paper and on email, but what you found out is what's real. We can all get caught up in a romantic fairytale, but real love is so much more than that. It's not you, Mqry, don't take any of this personally.
I hope this is ok to write a problem her...not a comment on another's .
I ask you to please not be judgemental when you read this. six years ago, when I was 20 years into my marriage with two children aged 12 and 16, I sat in my car in a shopping center and had an amazingly strong feeling of being with a man I had met when i was 18 and dated for over 4 years. I had not consciously thought of him often but did carry him in my heart. This day, it was as if I could smell and feel him and I found myself saying his name out loud in the car and then praying for him. Several days later, on my birthday, a letter arrived and I knew it was from my old love. It was written the day I had the experience of being near him. THe letter wished me a happy birthday and sent his love "always". It left me concerned about him...was he sick, lonely? And, after discussing it with my husband, I called my old love. From the moment I heard his voice, I was filled with such joy...I had found him again! He had experienced a serious accident and several surgeries which had left him with a worsening spinal condition which caused terrible pain and some disability...to the extent that he now worked part time. One of the questions he asked me during that call was.... why did we break up? We both had difficulty pinpointing it although we knew we had each moved and switched jobs and that ultimately, I still wanted to follow a career in music and he wanted to live ina rural area and use his degree in agronomy. Before the end of the conversation, I said ''I love you" and he immediately replied " I love you too". I was never the same after that. Over the next six years...we remained in touch through letters (sent to our work addresses) email and phone. At several points, one or the other of us declared a no contact period and went back into our marriage. we each began individual therapy and some marriage therapy. But, one or the other of us would always resume communication. On 4 occassions, he came the 1600 miles to visit his family and we spent a day together...usually at the state park near us. The last time we saw each other was in 2011. That same year, he left his marriage and began a very, sad divorce process...which he often said was traumatic and that he would take a long time to recover from.In the past two year, he has lived in a trailor by a river not far from his family's home and had told me he was " waiting " for me. In this time, he began a habit of asking for periods of no contact following an argument or, if I said something that made him think i was not going to leave my husband. He said he was " protecting( his) heart". And i disliked it but accepted it. This fall...I finally did leave my husband.I remember the day i sent an email telling my old love that I had told my children aged 18 and 22...and would be moving out in the next week. in keeping with a dream of ours...I had already booked my flight out west to finally see the town he had told me about for six years, He sent an email telling me he was so happy he cried but he felt so awful for my family and would pray for them. The nught before i moved out, we had a phone call that lasted a long time and was so warm and loving...he promised to call me the next evening when I was in my new place. The next day was traumatic for me....a friend of mine and my brother helped with the move and with consoling me as I sat sobbing and feeling that I had possibly made a mistake. I recieved an email from my love telling me his father was seriously ill in the hospital and he would be on the phone all evening with that and could we touch base the next day...at the end of the email, he asked that we please not email that evening. I was angry with him for that odd request. By the next day, I had experienced severe and prolonged palpitaions owing to my stressed state and went to the ER over night because I have a monor valve problem and needed to be vigilant with my health. I sent a message to my love with this information and mentioning that moving out had "hit me" and that I hated my beautiful apartment.
The next day, when I arrived home from the hospital, I sent an email saying I was well but wondered why he had withdrawn from me again when he was having a problem( pointing to the fact that he would not allow me to send a simple email the night i moved in to express my prayers for his father) He tolf me he was writing an important email and it was beautifull and loving but expressed his concern that I was in no condition ( with palpitaions and an admitted fear of flying) to come to Colorado to visit. He said it was unrealistic to expect a fun romantic trip when I was still traumatized. He expressed his "deep love" and excitement for our future and said he would come to my town in the next month or two and we could have our visit that way.
When I spoke to him on the phone, I was tired from a night at the hospital and feeling a little slowed from the beta blockers and sedative. the conversation was bad...I did not acknowledge regret re: cancelling the trip. I did not mention the beauty of his most recent loving email and I told him my friend thought it was 'Odd' that he told me i couldn't send him a simple email the night i moved in. I also mentioned that my soon to be ex had come over and eaten breakfast in my apartment...my old love had a vocally disapproving reaction to me saying this and i apologized.
At one point I said ''I don't understand you " to which he repied " I don't understand you either" and we both hung up. 24 hours later, he sent an email that was filled with rage. He identified feeling " fed up, frustrated, exhausted" he took my comment about him "withdrawing" when he had problems and said I didn't want him to have his " time with God' he fabricated or crossly exaggerated so many things...told me I needed to "stand on( my) own two feet" and siad he would become too emotional if he had to talk and that i should not "email, phone or text" because he would not respond" He said he would call me when he came to town and we could " talk and see how it goes" I was in shock. and given that he had said once I was "out" we could always communicate freely and he would not shy away and protect his heart anymore, We had jsut finished a month and a half of no contact and i could stand no more. So, i attmpted to engage him by email...then, gave him two weeks off and started in again with some voicemail and email telling him that I felt the distancing was not helpful and then finally becoming angry with him. this was now a month after I moved into my apartment. He sent an email telling me that seemed eary, almost as if it were written by someone else. He described being spent and emotionally exhausted trying to "meet" my emotional needs. (never mind that he wouldnt even answer the phone. He said he now knew he would never be able to meet my emotional needs and wished me well as i " went down this path" and the i would go without him.He blamed his feelings on my " deep seated insecurty and constant need for attention, validation, etc. Everything he said was eithe fabricated or an extreme exaggeration. I have been shocked since. We communicated off and on for six years, we both left our marriages....we had just become "legit" so to speak and everything was blowing up in my face. He perfectly fits the profile of a passive commitment phobic. He won't answer phones, texts or email and we have been in absolutley no contact for nearly a month. I left my marriage to be with him. In his letter, he said he loved me but that he loved himslef too and we had developed an " unhealthy relationship". This man was so excited about seeing me...he kept talking about it and said he couldnt wait to hug and kiss and hold me.he turned on a dime...jekyll and hyde style, from loving and kind to ragefilled and unkind...in such a little bit of time. what next. i need an explanation but I don't want to call and have him not pick up Im not sure where to turn.
we talked shortly after
1st and foremost, What a magnificent gift you have given the world.
Taking time out of your own life, put in so much of your own heart and soul, and creating such a magnificent website for people the world over to share there stories and get encouragement ! Bravo.
As well what a small world it is, that someone can come across your website and find so many simular stories to help them realize we are all so much alike, and so many of us have gone through the same thing, often over and over again.
Where to begin. I'm 29 and have had like most my fair share of relationships. Almost all ending in my own issues being put upon another, expectations build, and by my own demise, things fall apart. This summer tho, while traveling... i met someone different. I spend 1/2 of my year working, and 1/2 of my year traveling... and altho my travels have taken me many places, and met so many amazing people... it was only this year, while on a road trip up to Alaska from Oregon did i truly fall upon someone who stopped my heart dead in its tracks...
Having met a stranger while backpacking around Oregon, she invited me to stop by if i was ever in Alaska. I decided to spend this year on a road trip instead of going abroad and while one my very 1st day in AK, I got invited to a christian study group bbq... Not being that type of religious i thought at 1st (no thanks) but as you have written about so well, life truly begins when we expand our horizon and step outside our comfort zone... So i went, and not 5 min in the door, the most beautiful woman i had ever layed eyes upon walked in... she walked in, took one look at me, and immediatly stared away... she spent the whole night trying to look away from me, and i couldn't figure out (then) why... the night was drawing near an end, and it was july 3rd, she asked a bunch of her friends at the party if anyone wanted to go hike a mt over anchorage and watch the fireworks at midnight... her friends all gave lame exuses of work and sleep, but i on the other hand, interjected and simply asked. "Which car is yours" her friend pointed to a red one, so i went and sat in it... she came out a few minues later... looked me over and said simply "friends on" we spent the night hiking a mt and immediatly i knew, life is ment to spend and experince moments like this...
At the time she was living with her boyfriend. So many people up there because of the cost of living find themselves living with, and eventually dating there roomates, such as life. I didn't press the issue, but made it very clear i felt i drove to alaska, to meet her. We spent weeks together in her spare time exploring the great state, and doing what we both loved so dear. Simply adventuring... a month later, even before we shared our 1st kiss, she moved out of his place, knowing there was something here... we had a very open conversation about how strong we both felt for each other, and how also we were both no so neieve to think her heart would be open after just having moved out with someone... either way, we gave it a shot. We spent 4 months in AK together before i told asked her about moving to oregon for a winter... start fresh... see what could be... she was very open to the idea and we talked about it greatly. I sold the van i built up in AK and flew down to prepare such a lifestyle, took my old job back, cleared out 1/2 the house and soon after i got a phone call simply saying that she doesn't think shes ready to come down... she got a good winter job and wants to stay in AK for winter. (she has many passions in life, but snowboarding above all, is what she lives for... she has a st bernard and back countries 4 times a week in the Mts of AK.) I wasn't excited, but also not shocked... I feel a large part of the relationship has been me wanting something of her, she isnt ready to provide... thought out the years even when someone simply says "there not ready" i hear the words, but then take there actions more seriously.... in the end, alot of it comes back. So far at lease in life =).
Anyway, i got side track. She decided to stay up in AK for winter, but sent me a very nice email saying shes never wanted to be commited to someone so far away... but with me, she wanted to try... So we tried... She flew down twice over the last few months and we had the most amazing adventures exploring the NW... on this last visit tho (last week) she got back up to AK, where the snow was coming down, and i felt immediatly like a 2nd priority... her calls became simply stories of how much fun snowboarding was for the day... after a couple i sold it it would be amazing to share some of this same passion of hers, in our relationship... she took as me saying she didn't have enough hobbies... a week went by with passive and lacking hearted texts until finally while on a new road trip up from joshua tree... we talked for a few hours... a few hours about how relationships take work, on both ends, how relationships take time to flower, take respect to honor, and most above, take a willingness of two people wanting to be on the same page... All summer long she would always say "i want to be on the same page as you"... and we tried... talked for hours about how amazing our summer was, and how i canceled my whole rest of the road trip to spend summer with her making amazing memories... how over the last few months she has wrote me letters talking about a life and a house one day we will build together, and altho i've dated many people, and never wanted to talk about marrige, we did... openly, jokingly, but yet with a look in each other eyes, on a very serious level... I found a girl finally i wanted to spend my days with, take traveling with me and build such a life... but shes never moved away from AK, been in relationships almost non stop since she started dating, and i think doesn't have the appreciation needed to give more than what it would take to keep someone around, and still do everything she loves... at the same time, only 4 months in... she has the heart to tell me "i know exactly what i want from you, its everything i've always wanted from someone. I'm just not ready to give it back". That was the last message i got from her 6 days ago... which i respect so greatly. We have not spoken since... and i guess i could read everything i've already written and conclude that i need to take my own space, and refocus on myself... to move away and see what happens (which as we all know isn't easy). but so much of who i am, is giving myself to another. to putting someone else first, knowing existance is nothing without sacrifice... yet here i am, 3,000 miles away. Reading websites about thigns i'd like to say i knew... Anywho, thank you =). Also, i was wondering your thoughts on people who have passions that they put above all else... i'm sure you know or have met people that above all else in life... they love "snowboarding/rock climbing/sufting/drinking sadly" how do you explain that, when i feel i would do less of what i love, to spend more time with the one i love... i would never want anyone to give up there largest passions in life for anything, but where is the line of balance ?
Thanks so much miss Jane ! You are a living inspuration !
Thanks for your kind words, Alex; I'm so glad this resonated with you. You've got quite the story, my friend, but in the end, as you found out, it all comes down to the simple fact that we all do what we want to do. There's nothing personal here, there's nothing you can do to change anyone else or make them ready for all that you are and all that you have to offer them. They have to get there themselves! She tried, but she couldn't do it, and it had absolutely nothing to do with you. No matter how much we want to, we simply can't make anyone love us who isn't ready to in and of themselves.
My husband has a group of friends who are mostly all still very single in their forties and fifties now, and as I was thinking about what you were asking about the line of balance, I thought of all of them. Good-looking, very passionate, successful, active, intelligent men who've had their share of girlfriends but only a couple of them have given up their single status and settled down. The answer is that someone comes to that place where they're ready to have both their passions and that kind of committed love, when they come to that place in their lives where they're ready to make another person as much as priority as their passions are. They have to be ready. They have to want more than the single life they're living. Some never do. Some become so set in their ways that they always find fault with someone and it never occurs to them that they, too, have their faults that someone has to live with, too. It's different for everyone, but it's always about a choice and motivation that can only come from within.
You've found that balance, Alex, as has anyone who comes to that place where they, themselves, make a decision of what really matters in life. But we all have our own baggage, our own issues, and our own lives to hide behind, and the only person who can ever make us do anything is ourselves. The challenge is to not take what someone does or doesn't do personally, but to remember that a real relationship is always about two people being on the same page, wanting the same level of commitment in a relationship, and being willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's the reality check; not the fantasy or the fairytale that so many of us buy into along the way.
Jane my dear ! Thank you so much for your as always, bold and brilliant response on boiling down lots of words to small and simple facts ! I truley adore it ! Got so carried away yesterday forgot to mention what I was starting about =]. Expectations. I would like to think i do a lot for the one I'm with. I love to leave morning notes, surprise them with flowers, just show up to there work with lunch. Small thoughtful gifts on there car before work, and spend as much time as I can making their life easier. I spent my summer doing this for the girl I was with. She always said thank you, but never really reciprocated the same kind of showing affection. Raised by such an amazing self less mother, I often forget not even one was raised the same. And as time went on she would write me small notes and got even more verbal with her gratitude. It was great. But once she got back up to AK after visiting for a weekend. She just kind of stopped with all the gratitude. Stopped with the kind messages. And eventually just said she didn't want to feel obligated to doing something for someone all the time. I know that I do the things I do because I love to do them. I don't ask for them in return, but even doing nice things to her made herself feel obligated to where she doesn't want to worry about such things. Writing this out, its pretty clear I need to find someone who does. What what kind of advice would you give when you feel you were born and raised to give, but the person your with wasn't ?
As well what are your thoughts on thanking someone for an amazing summer, letting them know you love and think of them often. Letting them know you will always be there for them. But are letting them take the space they want ? Or best to just let them go unsaid. I was thinking of sending this
" Emily ! I wanted to spend this moment in my life, to simply say. Thank you. Thank you for sharing so much of your love with me, so much of your time, and so much of who you are. Meeting your friends and Family, exploring and adventuring all over the great states we love and adore has been such an amazing journey. I wish you nothing but the best my dear. I'm very proud of you and will always be here for you. Always. Never will be the day I would ever say goodbye to you forever. But I respect you greatly, and respect you knowing your not ready. I love you. -Alex"
Again. Thank you ! The more I read on your blogs, the more I enjoy just how well they are written and oh so universeal !
Thanks, Alex. 🙂 Be yourself. There are no rules, there's just who you are and what you would do. Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to say in your note; be yourself. At the end of the day, that's how you know you gave it your best shot, you did the best you could, and you stayed true to yourself. The only person you ultimately answer to is yourself!
That's how you know if someone is right for you, by being yourself; how else will someone know who you really are and if you're really what they're looking for?
Always make the decision that gives you the greatest sense of peace and calm and leaves with the least amount of regrets. Some people will love who you are, others won't.
That's how we know who we want in our lives and who we don't. It's never about making anyone love us or being what we think they want; it's about being on the same page naturally!
As always. Excellent words of wisdom. =]
This is what I gave
Emily Ann Bennett ! I wanted to spend this moment in my life, to simply say. Thank you. Thank you for sharing so much of your love with me, so much of your time, and so much of who you are. Meeting your friends and Family, exploring and adventuring all over the great states we love and adore has been such an amazing journey. I will always wish you nothing but the best my dear. I'm very proud of you and will always be here for you. Always. Never will be the day I will ever say goodbye, but i think we will both agree, right now, our time just isn't right, and its not fair to either of us, to try and put our hearts into something were not ready for. I respect you greatly, and am so grateful that you have come into my life. I hope you take this text warmly. I was going to call but my heart isnt up to it right now. I love you so much lady. -Alex
And this is what I got
Funny, I was on the verge of writing u a letter with about the same words 🙂
Don't you think for a second that I'm not coming back for you.
Take care Alex . You won't be far from my mind.
Thank YOU Alex
- Emily That text means a lot to me, Alex. You are one of a kind and I am very happy to have had the time I did with you. So once again, thank you -Emily.
Felt good to send that text. Regardless of how I've been treated, knowing life isn't personal I always like to still act with kindness whenever possible. Its always possible =].
I won't be waiting around for her to transform overnight, but it was nice to hear she is going to do something, and I hope for herself.
Gonna get on a plane tonight for 12 hours, any great life/love books you would say are a must read ?
Again jane. Thank you
It sounds like she's at a comfortable distance for where she's at in her life right now, Alex; and it should confirm for you this is completely about her and nothing to be taken personally for you. See what happens when you're true to yourself? It doesn't matter what you receive in return, but what matters is that feeling that you did what felt right to you!
As for books, it's hard to narrow down to a few, but I think you'd enjoy anything by Leo Buscaglia, and He's Scared, She's Scared, comes to mind as well for your situation. Love is Letting Go of Fear was also a great one from a long time ago, and The Work by Byron Katie - although I like her concept but haven't read all the way through the book. And anything by Steven Carter and Julia Sokols - love all their books. Check out my resources page for more. 🙂
Hey jane. Its only been about 7 weeks since seeing my ex. And she's already started dating someone. Of course when I saw photos of it my heart sank and abandoned me. Even knowing her decisions aren't personal. It still tears apart my soul when my mind wonders to such places of through. So very true we are our own enemies. But what to do when my days and nights seem to drag on forever in a mind stuck in a cycle of useless fear
It's always the fear that get us, Alex; every time. Something about an ex moving on - and seeing the prove in pictures - gets to us in a new place, on a new level. Keep reminding yourself of what you know; it's that logical side of your mind that you need to listen to now, to bring back that sense of peace and calm that knows that love is always between two equals; two people on the same page, two people who want the same thing with each other. It's not a rejection - it's a reality check. Remember this, Alex; you know this, we just need to keep being reminded when we see this reality in this new light all over again.
jane...Honestly; interms of relationships am done trying...because i somehow attract men that are emotionally unavailable and wen u tell them..they change for a bit then go back to their old selves...ive just ended a relationship with my 3month boyfriend... i would love to last a relationship for a long time...im just going to live my life now; honestly without pressure..
That's what this is all about, Tash; love isn't meant to be hard, isn't meant to be so complicated, and isn't meant to feel like pressure. This is your beautiful life, Tash, and yours to live and create the way you want to that reflects the essence of you!
Kathy did a great job of explaining her situation. She should read what she wrote and I bet she will get a revelation. Sometimes ladies "feel" like they can fix an uncomfortable situation just by "doing" something different. At that point you don't realize it is "his" problem and not your own. It is hard to accept that a person doesn't want to "be" with you. Only time will ease the hurt yo feel. Just think enough of yourself not to let him come back, because he will come back. When he does he is going to say all the things he knows you want to hear, and when he wants to do something different he will dump you again. Don't be predictable. Don't be available. Find something you like to do and do it. Build up your confidence and move on. Put yourself first and make yourself comfortable. There is nothing selfish about doing that.
So true, Carolyn; thanks for adding this!
Dear Carolyn,
But how do you move on ? That is always said as the solution. In real life, the mind has branched into two; one part which does the everyday work to survive like driving, work, etc. The other part of the mind is constantly thinking of him like- has he eaten, did he go to work safely, is he stressed, did he step onto the escalator safely, did he remember to take his vitamins, did he drink 7 glasses of water today... how do you move on with such thoughts ? How do you learn to put yourself first ? They never taught us this is school nor in university..
Rita Kenwood
There's a beautiful book that addresses exactly what you're talking about here, Rita, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie. It was one of the first ones I came across after my first experience with someone who I become so emotionally attached to, the inspiration for my post I can't make you love me. It describes exactly how so many of us get involved like this, and most importantly, how to find our way out.
Dear Kathy,
Love is not easy. 4 years of being together is a very long time. It is always easy to give you advise, but the pain you go through is only known by you . When you are in bed and you can't sleep and keep thinking why ? what went wrong ? but there are no answers , because a man's heart is only known by him. If only there was a machine like a CT SCAN or a MRI ( Magnetic Resonance Imaging ) to read HIS mind, we will all be saved of the trauma. Time will heal you, you have to keep strong and march on. Don't think about it. We are with you,
Rita Kenwood
oh isn't that the truth, Rita!
Great letter and response. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, Kathy, and know that you're not alone. It took me years to get over my ex as I thought of what I "should" have done better or "shouldn't" have done. However, I look at relationships as a vehicle for growth. It sounds like during the relationship you noticed some red flags. Trust that going forward you can use this for your own learning and growth.
xo
So true, Alexis; it's those "shoulds" that can still keep us in a past relationship long after it's over. When we truly learn to trust ourselves and stop being so hard on ourselves, we finally see what wasn't there - and why it wasn't about us! - all along!
4 years and he was still a boyfriend? That sounds suspect... I say do your own thing because he should have appreciated what he had and if he didn't you are better off without him! Unless you feel like you made mistakes... But still...
"...if he didn't you are better off without him" - exactly, Kylie; because we're not here to make anyone love us!
How can I write to you?
You can reach me through my "contact me" tab on this website, Linda. 🙂
There is a sort of spiritual KNOWING when you meet the one to whom your heart belongs.
But when we get into a relationship that is not right for us, the instincts that something is off can be so subtle, we tend to ignore them out of fear that our love is being threatened. So we start ignoring and doubting these instincts, but they are there, that still niggling voice, (our angel) softly whispering in our hearts and minds that indeed something is very wrong. This is also a spiritual knowing. We are afraid of experiencing the painful truth, so we close our eyes and deny that voice, that voice who is speaking to us for our own good.
You've summarized this phenomenon so eloquently, Sherry; thank you for adding so much to this conversation.
It is exactly as you say here; we know either way - either by that "knowing" or that "niggling" - either way, deep down in our hearts we can trust ourselves.
We know.
I wondered about normal expectations for years because every relationship has been different for me and people I knew. What I found useful was the book The Normal Bar, which shed light on the subject, which was particularly useful for me since my parents have been distant with each other my whole life: www.thenormalbar.com
I'm not familiar with this title, Jackie, but I'll check it out. Thanks for sharing your experience and for the recommendation!
Good lookin' out, Jackie. 😉