One of our beautiful readers, S, is in a relationship with a man who doesn't want any kind of commitment, but still wants the physical benefits of a relationship with her.
Sound familiar?
She has requested that I post her letter here to share with all of you so that she can have your additional thoughts and support on her situation.
Her letter:
There is this guy who is my senior in a med school.
Earlier on people alerted me about his flirtatious character and that he uses girls for only sex. But I took everything as rumors.
I fell for him believing everything as rumors.
After going out twice, this guy proposed me saying he wants to date me. When I went to his flat for the first time he told me that he wants to kiss me.
Later on after few months when I asked him for commitment and where our relation is heading, he told me he likes me but can't give any commitment as he wants to marry according to his parents' choice.
Fine I know I have been emotionally used, but the problem is I have fallen for him so badly that it's getting impossible for me to let him go and move on.
I tried ignoring him, but as soon as I see his texts, I can't resist my urge to talk to him. He has clearly mentioned me that he can be my friend but can't marry him. Then why on earth he approaches me for sexual needs?
I have told him several times that it's wrong still he tries to do that.
Please tell me what should I do? I am actually fed up of myself as I am unable to control my feelings. Should I stop talking to him completely without saying anything to him, or what should I do?
Please reply. (Kindly don't mention my identity while using this email publicly)
Thank you,
"S"
My Response:
Dear "S",
Do whatever you need to do to get over him, because someone who is right for you will never treat you less than you deserve to be treated.
It sounds like the two of you are clearly on different pages and looking for different things, and clearly he isn't respecting you enough to stop his behavior even though you've asked him too.
See it for what it is; two people not on the same page, looking for different things from each other and a different type of relationship. No matter what your emotions say, this is about the reality of what is and not the fantasy of what you'd like it to be.
So this comes down to you, S, and I would ask yourself why you have fallen for someone who doesn't respect you, who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who isn't on the same page as you? What do you have to fall for?
You can control your feelings, you can ignore him, you can resist your urge to talk to him but you have to want to.
You're the only one who can do this and you are that strong if you want to be!
It's always your decision!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend who is experiencing this all too familiar situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
I'm in the same situation; we stay abroad with my bf.during the year he will be promising many things so as marriage.when December time arrives,he lied, bought himself a car@goes home.I ddnt go. he comes back,he sorry this and that.we stay together again the same shit happens and now I know I'm totally used here, I don't know how should I end this relationship.we have a baby together.
I have the same problem. I feel like he is using me only for sex as he is married but every time he will talk to me and started to kiss me i cannot resist him. Its hard for me to avoid him cause were office mates and staying in one flat with her wife. I really wanted to talk to him and just be friends like before. I want to tell him lets stop what we are doing but i cannot i don't know why. Ms Jane kindly help me on this please.
You know, I had this same problem, but fortunately it hadn't led to sex.
Because I protect myself
No matter what u did with him, don't regret it.
Just kindly ask yourself now
What do you want
Then u'll find the answer
Why do women waste their time begging and pleading and waiting for a man to commit? If he won't commit then it's a strong indicator he's not the one. If he did commit under pressure, then there is a possibility he will cheat. Why? Because commitment phobes live in fear of losing freedom and the only way theycan regain freedom is through cheating and lying through marriage......It's his survival mechanism. Don't blame him. Just let him go. He has as much right to live his life commitment free, as much as you deserve to be with a committed man.
It's called freedom of choice!
Iean the guy, who made me happy, but could not committ and go with a man I bearly knew, just because he wanted marriage and was "on the same page"
My kids are the best. With them I will never be lonely. But I felt miserable when I had to break up with the guy.
It sort of just goes to show to those who think committment should come first. Well, it is way more complicated then that. There are people who committ to marriages easily, but then it's because committment does not mean to them much. And there are those who take time to committ, because they do understand responsibility. Is it better to only date guys who are willing to committ right away? Perhapse those girls who dp that miss out on the most respobsible guys and end up with those, who would promise the moon just to use her.
Nina, I am sorry you have gone through so much turmoil. Commitment and telling you anything to get what they want is two different things. Beware of any guy that commits right away. Commitment takes both time and action. You mentioned "lonely and miserable" in a previous writing. They are both personal emotions that we have total control of. No person can make you lonely or miserable. Choose not to be and you won't. You mentioned having children. Your children can definitely keep you busy enough not to have time to be lonely or miserable. Children are natural clowns and can keep you occupied. Remember as you live your life that they are always watching and learning from you. Take a moment and look at your results. If you are satisfied, great. If you find them unsatisfactory, then try a different approach. Be diligent in your efforts. You can be successful.
Well, here is my crazy "Can not resist the user story" or rather " can but why the Hell should I resist" story. I met that guy 10 years ago. I had no intention on dating him seriously. I felt we were a complete mismatch. He was of a different culture and 6 years younger, so I knew it was not going to last. I also had no intentions of having sex with him. I just went on a few dates, cause I had nothing better to do I guess. So on one of the dates it just happened so suddenly that we had sex, I was shocked. I did not want it. I was not ready. He practically almost raped me, except I did not want to be raped, so I have resisted first, just gave in for a minute and it was done. Then I thought about it and it actually felt good to have somebody who at least wants you in bed. And he also told me I was his first one, so I sort of liked that. So I met him again and again. And then he disappeared and reappeared a few times. And then he became sort of steady and sex was great it was just getting better. And then we started talking about moving together and meeting my Parents, but the guy was in between jobs at that time, possibly going to move, feeling too young to settle down. So he told me that he did not feel ready to committ, and he wished I would date soneone older then him, who would be committment ready. And it was like God heard what he said, cause just a week later I met a great guy. Mature, financially stable, handsome, willing to have a family and on top of that he really liked me and started calling me every day. Two months later I moved in with him. A few months later we got married and I was expecting a baby. Now the first guy suddenly wrote to me. He said he was travelling. He got some gifts for me and wanted to see me. I said I did not want to see him or his gifts and he should not be writing to me, cause I am with someone else, just like he told me.
A couple of years later I had two kids and a whole bunch of problems with my new husband. He hated my Parents. Called me crazy and other derogative words. We were doing absolutely nothing but bickering in bed and I was often catching him chasing after unfamiliar women online. He was very rude with kids and kids hated him. Finally he was one day charged by police with assaulting me and after that he filed for divorce.
And as soon as he filed the first guy reemerged. He was more financially stable now, had a better paying job and was swearing that if I gave him another chance he would never date anyone else or ever let me go. I was too overwhelmed with divorce and raising small kids on my own to even pay any attention to him. But he kept writing, so after 4 years of correspondense and when kids started growing up I finally decided to give it a try and went to see him. He was very happy to see me and very nice to me. But boy what happened to his committment? Now he still keeps in touch, but I never know when I will see him again. And he starta discussing plans about living together and stuff, but looks like nothing work between his crazy job and my crazy kids. So I have no clue what to do either. The question is does committment really count for that much if it can be broken at any time? Or perhapse the way you feel right now at the moment is the mist important thing and noone really can promise you more then what he can deliver right now at the moment.
It's about the man and it's about being on the same page when it comes to commitment. And above all, Nina, it's about how someone treats you more than anything else. That's what the not settling for is about. Not settling for someone who isn't on the same page as you, who doesn't treat you any less than you deserve. But you have to first know what you deserve and that's the tricky part. Most of us don't.
Most of us don't have a clue what treatment we can expect of someone who's truly worthy of us. Most of us settle for so much less because we so want that committed relationship because what we really want is that feeling that someone has chosen us, someone loves us, and someone thought of us instead of someone else. It all goes back to our culture of being chosen that we all grew up in. It's about having the mindset that changes everything; that we never need to convince someone of our worth if they are right for us in all the ways that matter.
Remember that there is no substitute for time when it comes to really getting to know someone and finding out their true character. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time; the very worst thing we can do to our beautiful selves is to be so hard on ourselves for the choices we made that were the best ones we knew to make at the time. We live, we learn, we grow. There's no perfect way of doing any of this; there's just our own individual journeys full of two steps forward and one step back. With grace, so much grace, for ourselves. You're what matters, my beautiful friend. You. Just as you are.
Why is she supposed to feel bad about it? Is it mostly because others are telling her to feel bad? Jane just said we can control how we feel. A woman is perfectly in her right to date a few guys and have sex with whoever she wants until she finds a suitable and committed partner. Doing otherwise will just make her feel lonely and miserable.
These are always our own personal decisions, Nina; and as you say, no one has a right to judge anyone else because we all do the best we can with what we know, with where we're at. It is every person's right - male or female - to choose how they want to date; in fact, I highly recommend dating more than one person at a time until you know for sure that you're both on the same page, and he's worth becoming exclusive for. Doing this keeps everything much more in balance when we have such a tendency to jump right in and assume we're exclusive with someone when they're on an entirely different page! But very few of us can also give ourselves away sexually like this without going to a different level in our emotional connection to someone and the problem is that he can!
So for the majority of us who've either tried this and found out the hard heartbroken way, or tried convincing ourselves only to find our soft hearts could no longer keep it solely physical, dating without the intimacy until one finds a suitable and committed partner, is absolutely the best way to keep things in balance, to remember that you really don't know if you're truly compatible with someone until you get to know them better. It's one of the biggest dating mistakes I used to make, and the one that keeps the dating process in check without us getting too far ahead of ourselves before we know if someone is truly worthy of every part of our beautiful true selves!
A woman's sexual desire is just as and can be stronger than her man's. But, her mental stability is much different. Her physical ability is much different. A woman can have sex with multiple men just as a man can have sex with multiple women. But she will feel bad about herself, while the man will feel proud. Now granted, there are exceptions, just as there are exceptions in anything. And maybe the world is going in the direction of free love again. No commitment, no respect, just satisfy the urge to merge and move on to the next one. Everyone can make up their own minds, but no thanks.
I recommend reading a book called "Unprotected".
If your relationship is great in all other ways, except for the lack of life long commitment could be he is not using you, but just being honest. He just does not feel at this time he is able to take on responsibility for a family. Perhapse he is still at school, does not have a steady job. It is then understandable why he does not feel committment ready and giving promises for 10 years ahead, for when he gets all settled and hopefully financially stable would be sort of dishonest. If he would have a family now, he would most likely have to rely on his parents for support. This is why he would only marry if they agreed.
Committment, my dears, has not as much to do with respect as yoU think. I had guys who proposed to me, stated in writing that I am the only one and he never would leave me, even actually married me. All useless. Once you are theirs, they use you and take you for granted. Committment and marriage is not the end of the story. We think if only she put committment before sex everything would be in place. Well fine, what if she would end up with a guy who gives her a ring, then has her a few times and goes on chasing after other girls? You say get committment before you have sex. I say committment does not really mean much. Be careful who you committ to and make sure first he is good in bed. Because, yes, women want sex. What is wrong with that?
Do to him as he does to you. Use him for sex abd keep ypur relationship private. Then date other men and look for better options. As soon as you meet another guy you click with, just dump him and cut all the contact. I call it the fun and easy way of getting rid of a wrong guy.
IDK, why others want women to do it the hard way. They wamt US to completely reject a guy like this and then suffer in loneliness waiting 100 years for some Charming Prince that is not even born yet. I think we need to start accepting reality for what it is and stop torturing ourselves. And whatever you do, do not feel guilty about it. Because between us, we know who is guilty.
The man wants sex. The woman wants sex. The woman wants to attach marriage to her sex, and the man says no. Then the woman says the man is "using" her, but aren't they using each other? The woman is trying to use sex to create a relationship and that will NEVER happen. A man will accept you for who you are if only the woman will let him. If he doesn't care to find out who"you" are then either accept the situation or move on. Men do not respect women who have sex without a commitment. (strange creatures they are)
They have sex with them and laugh about the experience with their friends. Does any woman really want sex that bad?
Really, really insightful thoughts, Carolyn; something for all of us to think about when you put it in this context. I remember feeling so naive when I was first enlightened about exactly this mentality. We want to believe sex means the same thing to him as it does to us - we can't believe it can't! - but it doesn't. And in the end, we're the ones who find this out the hard way with our beautiful hearts broken once again. It took me a long time to figure this out myself, but when you do, you realize what a prize you are, and how much you are worth holding onto yourself and not giving yourself away until you know you have the commitment you're looking for from someone who you can trust with this most beautiful part of you; you are the prize, my beautiful friend!
Exactly! You used the words "commitment and trust". These two words should be used as an indicator for women seeking a real relationship with a man. People are actually married to people they cannot trust and have no commitment from. Society does not teach girls to respect themselves. The current trend is a hook up. But after the hook up you feel bad because it was just a sexual release. These are things you are suppose to learn from home, but it is evident that is not happening. Women really do control the world, but they have to be strong enough to do it. No one can take advantage of you if you don't agree to participate. Older women should steer younger ones in the right direction. We can make a difference in this world if we would speak up when we see others going in the wrong direction. And we should definitely encourage those that are showing strength and self respect.
"...but as soon as I see his texts, I can't resist the urge to talk to him." Force yourself to block him. The next time he texts you he will receive a message that he has been blocked. That will sting some truth into him that you have moved on. And the best part is that you won't even know he tried to text you. If he really wants to be more for you after that, he knows where to find you.
Thanks for adding this, Brenda, and for the reminder that yes, if someone really wants to be with you on your terms, he will absolutely know how to find a way to let you know!
I've read the term "being used" a few times and it makes me shake my head. It has nothing to do with being used, and everything to do with allowing another person to get what he wants. Being used means not having any control. Well, we all have control to assert ourselves and walk away from that type of situation. The man wanting only sex with a woman who wants more must make it clear he wants that and only that. Often, it is clear BUT we women (I fell into this situation in the past) refuse to see the clear signs. If his actions demonstrate him wanting to have sex only, that won't change.
An immature or selfish man (or woman) will continue to go for what he wants without any regards for the other person's wants and needs because it meets his needs and wants. The only way that'll stop is when the woman says "stop".
Is it the syndrome of wanting what we cannot have or the need to change a man? Oh pleaaaaasee...we need to move on and say "adios" fella: I want something else; good luck to you.
The moment we realize he's not giving us what we really want and respect ourselves enough to listen to ourselves...we walk away with confidence and our heads high. It's that simple.
So true, Sophie; all of it!
Dear S.,
Men will treat us the way we let them.The only way to get away from this jerk is cold turkey i.e. stop all contact-
physical, text, phone. Just disappear, the way men have been pulling this disappearing act for ages.
If he really wants you and has feelings for you, he will man up and claim you as his girlfriend, fiancee, wife.
Nothing will stop a real man to claim what is his, not his parents, not his religion, not his friends, if he is
single.For now there is no challenge for him. He gets what he wants - the sex and you are addicted to him.
Pull the disappearing act on him and let him run after you and try to catch you.
Perfectly stated!!
Love how you put this, Jasmina; so very true!
Dear S,
It is easy to say forget him and control your feelings. That is right and you should so this but you cant-your heart and soul is much stronger than thoughts. Then try to do some exercise every day! Talk with your mind-it is easier if you get a paper and write everything:
- why you like this guy-how he attract you so much that even he is evil you still want him.
- what is the ideal guy for you and what is the behaviour that you would like to be
- read some information, books for similar cases-talk to some one who will understand you
This is to help you to understand yourself better and to try divert your thoughts in the right direction.
However is difficult in the beginning every new day in the future will give you clear thinking.
Build your confidence and after naturally you will be looking for another guy who is much better.
Have in mind you have so many supporters because you are right.
KS-hugs
Thanks for these practice exercises, KS. Writing it out on paper is always so much more effective than simply remembering what we know is true. I recently found one of my old "pros and cons" list and always found this helpful to reread whenever I was having a weak moment and only remembered the good things. We need these reality checks of just how much we are not on the same page with someone we so want to be with!
This sounds familiar to something I heard about years ago. The person who was having a similar situation said to me years later that it was a form of love addiction and ended up treating the feelings as such. So it was a process of recovery from the pattern and person that eventually got them out of the lure of an addictive emotion.
Interesting, Jackie; thanks for sharing. I'm sure that these emotions one can feel for certain individuals can certainly seem like an addiction for those involved.
If it's not addiction it is a magnetic compulsive force similar to it. Like it has a mind of it's own. Addiction has its roots in trauma. For a situation like this, the person did EMDR. It was able to get her brain to a place of no longer reprocessing and retraumatizing herself with the behavior. Kind of like pattern breaking. May be worth trying. EMDR is a trauma treatment first and foremost.
I think that as women we too often try to have things go right/ be perfect, but this is unrealistic. You're obviously attracted to him, but surely you yourself do not know if you'd like to MARRY him. He has needs and so do you, so hang out and be friends/friends with benefits until the chemistry fizzles out naturally. Don't over-think where it is going, just enjoy your time with him moment to moment.
Thanks for adding your perspective here, Candice. It's all about being on the same page.
Dear S,
You are a strong woman, emotionally and mentally speaking. Now imagine that your BFF was in the same situation you're in. What advice would you be giving her ? Maybe something like this- Honey he's not worth it. You can and will do better. He's an ass. He does not deserve you. He's beneath you. etc. etc.
The point being is that this boy, because he is not a man yet; is acting selfishly and immature. His needs before your needs. Stop thinking that he is the last bottle of water in the desert , and stop giving that boy your power. You will be treated as highly or as low as you think of yourself to be. No man should use you as a chew toy. You are worth more than roses. You are a beautiful woman. You are a confident woman. You are strong and courageous. This drama that you are facing is just like having the cramps, most of the time you have the power to get rid of it with OTC medicine. What advice would a mom give her daughter? Think about it.
I couldn't have said this any better myself, Marco; thank you!
This situation is exactly what's happening to me. I started seeing someone for a few weeks, I fell head over heels for the guy...then I heard rumours that he had a long term girlfriend. I asked him about the girlfriend and he denied that he had one, saying that he 'didn't have time for one'. I decided (naively) to believe him as I liked him so much when I was with him that it was hard to resist. After a couple of months he 'disappeared' and I didn't hear from him for a while. I ran into him a few months later and he said the reason he hadn't been in touch is because he couldn't 'see a future' with me, which was hurtful, even though I knew pretty much all along he had a long term girlfriend who he had been cheating on with me! I think it is easy to believe their lies because you want them to be true and you hope eventually he will change and want to be with you. I have learnt from my experience that if a man wants to be with you, he will try and make it happen. He won't set rules and boundaries, in the mean time you are just being used and during that time are developing stronger feelings for the guy as you spend more time together. I'd advise you to move on as soon as possible before you end up getting your heart broken even more. That is what I have decided to do about my situation, despite the fact he still contacts me and asks to meet up, I just ignore the messages - he doesn't deserve a reason when he has been acting the way he has. Good luck!x
Such wise words, Joy; thanks for sharing your story and what's helped you through this. We so want to believe those words, to believe there's some honest reason that makes sense of everything. Be so proud of yourself for choosing you and not getting pulled back in. You're worth so much more!
Oh and most likely you have to accept he's not the one for you even if he says all the right things, cause at this point he does not respect your feelings and that is just not acceptable in a relationship. What a loser! Lol.
I say ignore him without any mention of why. He has to prove himself to you. It's working for me actually. Good luck!
Glad it's working for you, Kylie; there's nothing like staying true to yourself and meaning it!
This is similar to my situation, only the man I fell for is married. Said at first the marriage was over and he wanted a future with me, but the story kept changing and excuses for staying married kept piling up. Bottom line, he used me for sex. This is so painful to know, but see the emotional pain you are experiencing as a sign of your heart trying to raise a defense to protect itself against more hurt. Don't prolong the breakup with that man. The sooner you end things with him, the sooner you can heal and move on to a healthier relationship with someone who is available and will treat you the way you deserve; with respect, honesty and love.
Beautiful perspective, Sharon; thanks for sharing and adding your support from your own personal - and painful - experience. We all want to believe those words, every single one of us.
Hi greetings, Did you moved on my friend?
My story is the same. Started a sexual relationship with this guy. At first that is all I wanted, but then it quickly changed for me. When I told him I was starting to fall for him. He said that okay, we won’t see each other anymore. That wasn’t the case he kept calling and texting me wanting to hang out. I took it as he did have feelings for me also. This went on for over a year. Back and fourth. Casting me out and Reeling me back in again. Telling me things I wanted to hear and I believed them. Shit I still do. If he called right now, I would probably run to him. Why? And why can’t he see a good thing, me, standing right here.