You’re probably not even aware you’re doing it.
None of us do.
It happens so naturally, so subconsciously that it’s below our radar. And yet, it’s so ingrained in so many of us that we don’t even realize how detrimental it is to our beautiful selves and how much it affects our feelings of confidence and worth.
It doesn’t matter who it is we do this with, or what he has or doesn’t have; we’re the ones who feel the effects of this injustice.
It starts with the way he acts with us. It’s the way he maintains that distance with us that we put him on a pedestal simply because he knows he can choose and we feel like we can’t. He acts like he can take or leave us, and we only feel like we can be left. We all but forget that we’re the ones doing the choosing when all we can feel is the loneliness of our longing and the lack of anyone choosing us. It’s no wonder we give everyone else so much power and give ourselves away much too soon.
It’s because we don’t feel like equals.
When someone acts like they don’t really need anyone in their life, when they seem so confident in themselves and where they’re at we make them the superior ones and us the inferior. Since we feel the opposite. We walk into that same room looking for someone, hoping someone will choose us, lacking the self-confidence to know that we are all the same.
But we don’t feel that way.
You see, it’s because we don’t want to be alone, because we want to be part of a relationship, because we feel like we need someone in our life to make our lives complete. It’s because of these that when we walk into a room, when we go anywhere where there are other people, we know this about ourselves.
We do this to ourselves all the time.
And it’s not just about men. It affects so many areas of our lives.
We do this with our friends and acquaintances who all seem to make their relationships seem so easy by the ease with which they handle their ups and downs.
We do this at school with our teachers and later at our colleges and universities with our professors.
We do this with our co-workers and our supervisors at work when we attribute them with knowing so much more than we do simply because they've earned a higher degree or have a higher position.
Realizing this, is it any wonder we find ourselves questioning ourselves and our ability to offer anything of value, lacking the confidence to see that we have value just by being our beautiful true selves?
We need to see ourselves correctly.
Equals, my beautiful friend. That’s my challenge for you today, beginning right now. It’s time to stop seeing everyone as having so much more than you, of knowing so much more than you, of being worthy of so much more than you. You don’t know their story, you don’t know what they really feel underneath that apparently confident outer facade they project.
But this isn't about them, it’s about you. And what you have to offer.
The next time you walk into a room, the next time you’re around anyone, anywhere, anytime, it’s time to remember who you are. It doesn't matter who they are, what they've done or haven’t done, how confident they may seem, or how much they may seem to have it all together in the ways you wish you did. This isn't about them. It’s not about anyone else but you.
Hold your head up high. Smile that beautiful smile of yours. Let that beautiful true light of you radiate so that the real you can be seen for all that you are. Feel that confidence of knowing you are comfortable in your own beautiful skin.
There is no one you need to prove anything to. There is no one you need to measure up to. There is no one more deserving of anything – especially not love! – than you.
You don’t need anybody or anything. You desire someone who’s worthy of you and you refuse to accept anything less than that.
Feel that difference!
And walk on in. Or walk on by. And in that process take every single one of those people down from that pedestal you've placed them on.
Equals, my beautiful friend; that’s what you are with each and every one of them. No matter who they are, no matter what they've done, no matter what they can do that you don’t yet believe you can.
Always remember - you’re the prize!
Oh i love this article right now!
It reliefs this stress and feeling weird or stuck.
Indeed isn't it wonderfull when you know what your worth and
Walk like this through life....
Speaking the truth & not feeling ashamed or weird.
The feeling of "here I am"
( when you speak entering into a room with confidence and just
Walking with your head high)
I am making a step towards kindness and the truth.
I am still single and yes I am going to learn to trust myself more!
Enough of this pity & feeling lies to.
Bless you Jane.
So glad this one spoke to you right where you are now, Maris; that's exactly the type of feeling I was trying to instill when I wrote it. Beautiful, authentic, confident, real, you!
It did dear Jane. So much!
Uplifted my heart and gave me hope!
Wow! I just found this amazing website a couple of weeks ago and I am so glad I did!
The advice that you give, Jane, is so true! I always felt that I knew all along everything you're saying in your posts, but it isn't until I actually read it, that they all hit home and it makes me re-evaluate myself and seeing how I am, not just in my love life, but how it relates to my life in general! It makes me grateful to know that I'm not the only one who thinks like this. Thank you so much for your wise words! I look forward to reading your new posts each time I get an email update! 😀
I have been in a r'ship for nearly 2 years now. Much of this time an emotional roller coaster where I've always given one more chance, given more of me only to find the only time I didn't give him what he wanted + wasn't my usual happy self + yes I admit, was very most for a couple of days. Anyway, I received a text + he went to his job 2 days early + left my house like it didn't really matter. I'm bored + tired of the same discussions 'we need to talk, what r yr expectations of a r'ship, what do u want' I have always thought closure should b face to face as to give each other a courtesy chat at least but you are right.... Seeing him face to face I go weak + want to wrap my arms round him + give him another chance. Perhaps no action, unavailability says much more. I love this website, every article true at some point - thank you
Amanda
And I meant to say... I have been moany for a few days..
I so hear you, Amanda; and that's exactly why it's only when each one of us comes to our own place of having enough with being on these emotional rides that we make our most powerful statement of all by simply refusing to play along anymore. It never requires any more action than exactly that; to just stop playing, to stop responding, to stop letting someone have that much power in your own beautiful life. Your actions will always say so much more than your words - to both you and him!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Marissa; I'm so glad you've found your way here and that so much of this is resonating with you! 🙂
Thank you Jane for writing this and makes me feel relief and my courage back！Yes，we are all equal. I want to tell him that I want a healthy relationship，not just something causal and sex！We sort of seeing each other for1 yr，but we only meet like once a week，sometimes one a month！Yes，when he shows up he just says：I am serious，I value u，you are not my sp or friends with benefit！
He really confuses me！ He never plans weekend with me，only enjoys his sports and fds！always last minute me. When I complain ，he just said i am so busy everyday so I cannot commit my time with anything！Then why can he plan with his mates but not me:( No one in this world is really busy，is all about their priority.
I once asked him what does he want ，he said I am happy of what we are doing now，I just want to be happy." That means he is talking nonsense right.？
I even turned blind eye when I saw other womans earrings and facial stuff in his bathrooom. He knows I know this but he said nothing.I dont know how many women he has and I feel like I am just one of them.
I did think before I can keep to play this game with him but I just cant stand it anymore. I dont want to put myself in this situation any more. My mindset is I dont want to be a player and I want a serious relationship！ All my fds told me that I should just walk away but I feel like I must tell him face to face and say goodbye to him！ So I can completely let go of him！Is that a right thing to do or I am just being stupid if I tell him？ Please advice Jane：/
You never need to tell anyone what you're doing or why, Vicky; your actions will always say so much more than your words alone. We often believe that by telling someone we are ending this face to face, that this will make it more final or somehow make them realize that we mean it this time.
But instead, we can end up giving even more of our power away when we insist on this instead of quietly making your own decision and finding that strength and resolve that can only come from deep inside your heart of hearts where you know that you deserve better treatment than this. In person, face to face, we can feel that much smaller again, that much more inferior, that much more likely to be persuaded to change our mind, to convince ourselves it's not really that bad, that we're better off with him than alone.
And that's why, my beautiful friend, it doesn't matter how you choose to stand up for yourself and refuse to be anyone's second best or lady-in-waiting. What matters is that you know your own worth, you know what you deserve and you refuse to settle for anything less than being the priority in someone's life that you will be when you're with someone who's on the same page as you, who's looking for the same thing as you are and never needs to be convinced of why he should be with you!
It is difficult sometimes to let go of what is familiar. You have to take time to think about what you want from a relationship and not accept anything less. If you do, you waste time and emotions. Forget about closure. When it's over, it's over. If you don't call, accept calls or make yourself available. He knows it is over. You don't have to tell him. He will come around at a later date to see if he can play with your emotions again. Love yourself enough to be strong and move on. You won't be available for a great relationship if you are currently involved with someone who is playing games.
So true, Carolyn; all of it!
ALOT of life is a reflection of the mind. I just caution people to not fall into the New Age blame game which is rampant in fans of The Secret. A grounded perspective on change your beliefs change your life is best
Great point, Jackie. More blame - and especially not the kind we put on ourselves! - is the last thing any of us need!
I read an article by EFT Practitioner Alina Frank titled "The Dark Side of the Law of Attraction" and it really drives home the point of when to be in reality and not.
Yea i needed that.. i emailed you the other night about something like this.. So are you saying to find the one you need to be confident and stop looking down on yourself?
Exactly, Tash; that's exactly what I'm saying. When that attitude and that mindset become your own, that kind of self-confidence radiates from you so beautifully he can't help but notice you! (and I haven't forgotten about you!)
Jane did you see my email dear?
I did, Tash; you'll be hearing from me soon. 🙂 And just so you know, due to the vast number of emails I receive, I respond first here in the comments where your questions can be shared with our whole community for everyone's benefit in knowing there are so many others going through the same thing, and then as time permits, I then respond personally to your emails. Hope that helps!
Awesome, and completely relevant. Basically hit the nail on the head with my issue. I always feel so much less than. It makes it hard for me to relax and just have fun. Thank you!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Kylie. Know that it's only you who believes that you are "less than". The truth is you are so much more than any false beliefs like this that feel so real - and hold so much weight with us - only because they are such a huge part of our programming and our culture that feeds those thoughts to us as truths even though they are not! The moment we start recognizing where they come from and start questioning their truth and their meaning in our lives, they start to become less a part of us and more a part of our story that is separate from who we are. You are so not alone in this, my beautiful friend; we all struggle with this separation, regardless of who we are or what our story is!
Just what I needed to read today. I had made him the prize because of his education, finances, lifestyle and position. I woke up and realized I was the PRIZE and he was FAKE!!!
You've got it, BRD, you are the prize - regardless of what he has or what we falsely believe we don't. You do!
Once again, thank you for your wise words. They always come along at the perfect time for me. You are a beautiful soul!!! Never stop writing please!!!!
You're so welcome, Rebecca. It's a beautiful thing when the timing of my inspiration resonates with you in the time you need it most! Thanks for being such an inspiration to me and for your kind words. I won't stop! 🙂
I just love every article and helpful advice you always give 🙂 It always makes me feel more for and about myself than I did. Thank You !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad this is all resonating with you, Donna. You're so welcome!!!!! Thanks so much for your beautiful kind words and taking the time to say them. 🙂