Hi Jane,
I started dating a great guy in February and my feelings for him had grown and he said he felt the same. Recently, we finally accepted the fact that we weren't good for each other.
I've realized that I'm not ready for a relationship, but we both said we could be friends. Maybe I just miss the comfort of having him around and being to call him or text him whenever I wanted to. I don't see him as much and barely talk to him. He was really easy to talk to and I viewed us as friends before a crush or a partner.
He's the kind of person that I'd rather have in my life as a friend than not have at all.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing... He asked if I wanted to meet up last weekend, which I did. I didn't feel an emotional connection. There was a physical one, but I don't know if we should pursue that. I don't know if I should text him whenever or ask him to meet up whenever I want to.
Are there rules to how this works? I'm really confused...
Thanks,
Chanel
My Response:
No rules, Chanel, just what works for you, what you can live with, what your own terms are, and what you need. You'll know by his response what part of what you want works for both of you. It doesn't have to be complicated.
Keep it simple.
But hold your own beautiful heart in a special place so that it doesn't get broken believing that this could be more than it is. If it could be, it will be.
But in the process of being friends, or trying to remain friends after a break up, sometimes we can be confused into accepting an arrangement or someone else's terms that doesn't serve you well. So keep your head, don't get more involved in a friendship than is comfortable for you.
There are other men out there and it will be different than it was with him with someone else.
Maybe find some other ways to get your needs met that make it easier to have some space if it starts to feel complicated - you'll know what that means if you find that happening.
It takes time to move on, and it's very hard to move on from someone if they're still very much a part of your life. Only you know what that looks like for you, but give yourself some time and space if it feels like that might be what you need. Times change, seasons change, your outlook will change, too, as time goes by and you find yourself focusing more on yourself and what kind of a beautiful life you want to create for yourself.
An ending like this can be a new beginning, a time to explore possibilities you hadn't thought of before, and give you a fresh new start to your life. Take what resonates with you here, Chanel, and sit with the rest. In time, if you listen to your own heart and be true to yourself, you'll know what the next steps are.
One step at a time. You'll get there.
Love,
Jane
What do you think Chanel should do? Tell us about it in the comments!
No such thing as platonic friends, more like toxic waste. Get rid of exes. Maybe 10 years down the line you can be friends if you inadvertently bump into him. Forget, forget, forget the ex!
My rule of thumb is NO, unless your ex is someone you are sharing custody of kids and/or pets with. Other than that, cutting ties has always been the healthiest choice. Only one ex I stayed friends with but only because he moved to Hong Kong while I was in California, so it was not a weird scenario.
Thanks all! I had logged in as A yesterday for some reason! I think the forgiveness part is what I need to do completely. I appreciate you gals comments...May see him tonight and will be polite but keep it moving. He knows how he treated me...why ask me now if I had a nice summer? Why do you care since you didn't even care to call me and see how I am after I lost my job! I believe in my head that I deserve better but sometimes our hearts seems to take awhile to match what our head knows! It does for me anyway! I guess I'll just take a big breathe before I go to church each Sun and just be the type of person that I am everyday but keep it moving! Someday I'll meet someone who treats me like the way that I deserve! It's funny b/c I work out all the time and take care of my self so I know I look better than I did when I had seen him last! Guess if he really is sorry for what he did he would come to me! But he is a weak man b/c only weak men disappear! IMO!
Exactly, NB; even if it's hard to do - and I know it is - keep your own head up and know that he's not there, he can't be the man you want him to be. As you say, when you're with someone who is there, you'll see this so much clearer and be grateful that you didn't spend even one more moment of your beautiful heart and soul on him. If you can turn some of your anger at him into gratefulness for what you won't have to be putting up with, you will be able to feel the awkwardness slip away to be replaced with a contentment that you are free to be yourself. That beautiful woman who knows her own worth and doesn't settle for anything less than what she knows she deserves!
Slight dilemma...need outsiders thoughts...dated a guy off and on and he time he disappeared or didn't call but then I'd go out with him again....symptom of lonely divorced woman! Anyway, he asked out again and I told him why shld I go with u since u treated me to ugly. Anyway, we ended up dating for a couple months...I called one afternoon to say I was losing my job and expected him to text or call and I never heard from him. Been running into him at church and it feels weird...like the little white elephant in the room....he's spoken to me and I'm short with my answers but keep it moving. I know I have to do what feels right to me but do u or readers think I shld just be cordial when I see him or actually talk to him to ease the tension...I think I was cordial but more on the rude side!!!
A, you don't owe him anything. You don't have to be rude, but be short...you don't have to explain to him. If you aren't a rude person, don't allow someone to take you out of who you are. And if there's any tension, it should be for him--since he's the one who wronged you. You don't have anything to be tense about. I say forgive him (if you haven't already). Forgiveness is for you. To be free of what he did to you. But keep up doing as you were, keeping it short and moving on. This man behaves badly and then try to reconnect at her heart's expense. He is a non-factor. Don't give him your power. And if you have, put on your big girl panties and TAKE IT BACK.
one more thing, A...you take back your power by realizing what a FABULOUS, SMART, UNIQUE, AWESOME, SEXY THANG you are. Loving you...and doing what works for you and your heart. Putting you FIRST. My mama would tell me as a kid when I had my friends over, "if they see you not taking care of your things, how do you expect your company to treat your things with respect?" Let the man see you taking good care of you. Pampering you. Putting yourself first. Treating yourself well. He'll see that you are a woman who treats yourself well and will accept nothing less than that from him. Just sayin...
Love what you've said here, MzB; thanks for stepping in with this beautiful advice that I couldn't have said better myself! 🙂
I did stay friends with an x partner a while ago and we met up now and again. I began to enjoy his company again and started to become a little jealous as time went on of the girls he talked about and considered dating. What could i say it was me who ended the relationship.
Then he met someone who i could see he truely cared for and he never called as often to meet up as FRIENDS..
Then it went to no calls txts zero zilch nothing, i didnt like it one bit but had no choice but to accept it.
It,s a choice to stay friends i wish i had never made i should have gave him the respect he deserved to get on with his life.. All im saying is be careful you never know how long that friendship would last because if i was his new girlfriend i wouldnt like him being in touch with his x.. would you?
I hope all works out for you.
Take care
If ladies would respect themselves just a little more, relationships would not be so hard. Take some time off and learn to love yourself enough that you won't let men use you. Everyone is having fun, but I think you all want to be more than just a good time. These guys are having a ball, and the women are ending up miserable and doubting themselves and their sanity. It takes time to stop acting like a play thing. Decide what you want from a relationship and stick to your goals. A man who respects you, will only respect you when you respect yourself. If you are ok with the "anything goes" attitude, men will be more than happy to get it on with you for a moment. If you want more than an occasional hook up, you have to behave differently. If you don't have a relationship that is good for both people, leave it alone and move on.
I'm actually feeling the same way as Chanel & I also don't know which direction to turn myself with a guy I've been dating for 7 months and we have done everything together and so much fun together then it was the "I'm not ready to commit" discussion because he clearly has some personal issues to get himself happy that makes him very emotional unavailable but he wants to keep me close as a friend and he still talks about things of the future like we will be together. He is also moving away which he planned prior to him meeting me but says he feels pressure but never did a long distance relationship & is clearly afraid. He mentioned that he clearly has feelings for me. He is the best guy I have ever dated and he says he will still always be there for me when I need it but there is a distance
developed. He only talks to me about once a week now.
I want to know what do I do... give it time for him to get himself together & focus on me & see where it goes if he will rubberband himself back to me or even offer me to visit & relocate to join him when he gets straightened out? What do we do in these situations?? Help!
What we usually do in these situations, Tiffany, is we wait and we stay and we try to focus on ourselves and not let what he does or doesn't do affect us, but in reality, what we usually find when we look back on these situations is that we've just been doing more of the same. It's so hard for us because we can't understand why someone just can't commit to us! We can't figure out what happened, why there was a change, and because we're not them - and we don't think like them - we take all of this so personally and we try to do anything we can to make it better.
And that's why the hardest thing to do is the absolutely best thing to do; to stop talking about him, stop thinking about him, stop wondering when he's going to come around and instead start putting all that time and energy you're spending on him on yourself. You have a beautiful life of your own, just waiting for you to jump on into and make into the life you've always wanted.
This is about you, Tiffany. You have your own dreams, your own interests, your own plans. You are far more powerful than you realize. And when you realizing all that you are, and all that you have to offer someone, it changes everything. It's no longer about him, it becomes about you.
Don't be afraid of losing him or that you have to follow a certain set of rules for your particular situation. Be yourself, give him the space to be himself so that you can see what's really there by what he does with it. If he fills in that space with himself by reaching out to you, then you know where he stands. But if he doesn't, then you know that he likes that much space and you have to decide if you're ok with that or if you need more. You're not going to change him, you can only determine whether or not this is a fit for you and if you can accept him where he's at. If he's ready, you'll be the first to know, but this isn't about him. Your actions always say so much more than your words. This isn't about playing hard to get, it's about the authentic living of your own beautiful life that you, my beautiful friend, were born to live!
I met this guy last year. He told me that during the course of our relationship, there will be no sexual intercourse until when he is ready to marry. At the age of 36, no has not made love to a woman. Only what he does is to romance, kiss and play with a lady. On the process of this he can cum. At this point he has not proposed to me. Dis relationship is one year and three months. I don't know any member of the family. I mean he has not introduced to the family. Pls Jane what is your suggestion at this point.
It sounds like he has clearly let you know what his terms are, Christy, and now it's up to you to decide how you feel about this. If it's his culture or religion that dictates these terms, then you also know more about this part of him. The fact that you're questioning this gives me reason to believe that you're not both on the same page here, and you're questioning your compatibility, but only you know what he's worth to you. Have you talked to him about this? Have you discussed your compatibility in this area? Don't be afraid to ask these questions, Christy, you're always better off to trust your instincts and find out as much as you can now, before you give anymore of your heart and soul to someone to make sure if you're truly compatible and if he's worthy of you! It's not about the time you've invested; it's about whether you're both on the same page and want the same thing. Whatever you decide, make sure you're being true to yourself and not settling for less than you deserve, my beautiful friend.
I met this guy last year. He told me that during the course of our relationship, there will be a sexual intercourse until when he is ready to marry. At the age of 36, no has not made love to a woman. Only what he does is to romance, kiss and play with a lady. On the process of this he can cum. At this point he has not proposed to me. Dis relationship is one year and three months. I don't know any member of the family. I mean he has not introduced to the family. Pls Jane what is your suggestion at this point.
I was kind of in the same situation and let the "friendship" go. Only when I did that, did I find the most amazing man I could ever hope to find. He is everything I could ever possibly want or ask for. Maintaining a friendship only prevented me from finding this one true love of mine. Of course I took 8 months off from even looking and worked on myself so that I didn't have emotional baggage. I needed to learn to be happy with myself first. Once I was completely happy and not even looking for anything is when I found the perfect man for me. Chanel may be limiting herself on finding her soul mate if she is spending her time and effort on someone she will only ever see as a friend. Men will not approach a woman who is with another man. Just my two cents.
I think the real danger here is that women are so much more emotional than men, and sometimes so deprived of affection and validation( which incidently they should be giving to themselves) that when they feel that emotional connection with a man , there is a very real fear of giving too much of yourself and consequently being taken for a ride. In any case if the guy is really a good person , he will show it through actions and his behaviour over a period of time. The bottom line is have enough selflove, value yourself enough to never be taken for a ride.
Omg this sounds just what I went through. My ex and I having been divorce for three years now. Hanging out girl about three months on my days off dropped our visits by meeting some one elllse. We haven't spoke for. A month so I had to work through alot if pain cause I was always there for him. We were marries foe 22 years. I got angry Bhutan kept it to my self and have tokd myself that it was a clean break and wish not to be friends and can not see him again. Living on like I never knew him. I can say that I am scared for when the phone does ring and its him. Have lots I would like to say and still might confused as what to do with that emotion. I woumld say that letting go is the hardest thing to do. I loved deeply for him and was there for him in every thing buy I have to let him know that enough is enough