One of our beautiful readers recently made an observation about how I tend to talk more about letting go and getting out of a relationship that isn't working than I do about working harder to make it work. She made a very good point, and it really got me thinking.
It's very true. I do.
But there’s a reason.
It’s because staying in a bad relationship and trying to make it work is an area where most of us don't need any encouragement. We are some of the hardest working, most well-intentioned fighters to keep any relationship going. We'll just keep on trying to row that boat up a waterfall even though we're the only ones doing any of the paddling.
We're oh so understanding, hopeful and so, so optimistic. We always believe we can make him love us.
And that’s exactly why we’re hurting and having our hearts broken all too much of the time.
You’re the first to say, “We can work it out”. You’re the first to stay and try to prove just how much your relationship is worth fighting for.
Your willingness to do this is not the problem.
It’s who you’re choosing to stay and work it out with that’s causing the concern.
It’s who you're refusing to give up on that’s the problem.
I agree that relationships take some effort, and if you're with a guy that's making an effort, even if he might be falling short in some areas, then it's worth the effort on your part as well. I certainly wouldn't recommend dropping him just because he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink or his smelly socks on the floor, or that he'd rather be watching the ball game when you want to go antiquing. These kinds of things can be worked out.
But these aren't the kinds of stories that I'm hearing.
I'm hearing about the guy who's treating you like an option, a convenience. Somebody to see when there's nothing better going on. The guy who disappears for days or weeks only to re-appear and act like nothing happened. The kind of guy that's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. I'm hearing about the crumbs.
The kind of guy where you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve better.
You see, our compass is typically off on this one. We don’t know how to tell the difference between who’s worth it and who isn't.
In fact, most of us have got it backwards.
You give up too soon on the nice guy; the one who you should be staying around longer to give him more of a chance. But you refuse to give up on the player who’s only wasting more of your time while you're trying to prove to him that you’re the one who’s worth it, when that’s what he should be doing with you!
I know because I did it too.
It’s time to figure out the difference. It’s time to awaken to the point of all this. To give the nice guy a chance and let the other ones go.
Learn how to spot the real keepers.
Because if you can learn to tell the difference, you’re well on your way to finding a healthy, happy relationship.
One that really is worth fighting for.
If the relationship doesn't flow and he is not doing everything to be with you, then don't bother, find someone else you like who will be thrilled he found you.
So true, Jackie. "Thrilled" is exactly the point.
We met up the other day. He bought me lunch. He bought me a lovely present (he never does that without reason). He gave me hugs, kisses...hand on my knee...he said he'd like to meet up next week. I stuck to my guns and said that I was finding this really hard and needed some time and space, so no more contact. He said that's fine, he'll leave it up to me about next week. He said he felt awkward, I asked him if he had something to say then he should just say it...the only thing he said was that he'd felt really sad over the last few weeks. Why can't he just tell me how he's feeling?
It doesn't seem that he is doing everything to be with me. I had a panic yesterday, over nothing in particular just a huge feeling of panic that I couldn't control. He's done this to me. I have to remember that, however hard it is. And yes, of course I'd love to meet up next week but I don't think it's going to do me any good. I'm going to focus on my dreams, as you say Jane.
Remember that you are always the one in control here, Isabelle. You can't change him or make him be more than what he is. But you, my beautiful friend, can decide what you want for you and your own beautiful life. Let your dreams, your plans, your life, become your focus; there is so much more to life and love than this!
Thank you Jane, I'm feeling much stronger now. I have however found out that he is seeing the ex girlfriend, spending weekends with her. No matter how much I knew this would be happening, it's still quite a shock to find out that it really is, and so soon too. Any advice on how to cope with this next step of getting over him much appreciated.
I'm glad you're feeling stronger, Isabelle. Know that no matter how cozy he is with the ex, things are never quite as good as they seem in reality. So the first step to getting over him is to refuse to let yourself to go there, to think about what they're doing, how they're doing, and what she's getting from him that you didn't. I know it's hard, but the less you think about him, and the more you think about your freedom from all the things that weren't right about your relationship with him, the better. There was a reason she was his ex to begin with, so it can't be as wonderful as it may seem in your own mind. We do this needlessly to ourselves all the time!
I have found that one of the most healing things to do to get over someone is to write them a letter, but don't send it. Get it all out. Tell him everything you want to say, but don't do anything with it except use it to get your thoughts and feelings out because this is about you and not him. Forgive him, forgive yourself. Accept that he is who he is and you are who you are and be so that you are finally free to find someone who will be on your same page and right for you! Hold onto the letter so you can reread it whenever you're tempted to remember things in that distorted view where we see things as being so much better than they really were. That letter will set you straight again and give you a reason to be grateful you're open now to meeting someone new! Then when you're ready, you can tear up what you wrote, or burn it, or whatever you want to ceremoniously do to acknowledge that he no longer has any power over you and your thoughts.
Realize he is not worth wasting one more second of your beautiful time and energy on, Isabelle, and then forgive yourself and him again anytime you're tempted to go there and think about him again. Celebrate your humanness, your ability to believe in love and that romantic believer you are. Those are beautiful qualities to have when you're with the right guy!
But most of all, since what keeps us stuck is usually our own beating ourselves up and being so hard on ourselves, the more you can do to reinforce all the beautiful qualities about yourself and what you know to be true, by spending time doing the things you love to do, are passionate about doing and make you feel good about yourself, the easier it will be to move on for you. Can you go on a holiday? Can you give yourself a change of scenery by redecorating or creating something new? Can you follow a new dream, a new idea, a new project, or something else you're passionate about? Because it's when you focus on what you do well and what makes you feel good about yourself that you'll find he matters less and less.
Know that it will get easier in time, my beautiful friend, and that one day, you will look back on this and see it so much more clearly than you do now. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time, so the more gentle and loving you can be with your beautiful self right now, the easier this will all be on you. It doesn't matter what he thinks or does, this is about you and your beautiful new free life!
I'm going through a similar thing now. Almost 3 months ago my partner of 4 and a half years, said he didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him, and that we should take a break. Two days later he was back saying he missed me, and wanted to give our relationship a try. He said he couldn't commit to me. I don't want to get married. We were together 5 days a week out of 7, not living together, and speaking on the phone every night, texting and emailling all the time. I thought that was quite a comittment in itself.
A week later, he met an ex-girlfriend of 15 years ago, who he's been in contact with for some time. He'd told be before they were in touch, that he didn't have feelings for her in the same way and they're just friends. It was really hard for me to accept this, but I did.
A couple of weeks later I saw a text from him to her, saying he missed her. I confronted him, he said it wasn't what it looked like (!) and it meant that he missed her as a friend. Her reply to him mentioned a poem that she'd written for him. Needless to say things were a little difficult at that point, and I was so very upset. He was adamant that nothing was going on, and that I had to trust him. I was trying very hard.
Our relationship almost got back to normal, we still saw each other most days and communicated. Until 2 weeks later when I read a trail of emails between them, expressing feelings that he'd told me he didn't have. I told him it was over. I was devastated. After meeting up a couple of times to talk, I decided that I was willing to put this behind me and not throw away the years of our relationship. He said he needed some time to think things through.
We've still been texting, mostly initiated by him. After our most recent meeting about a month ago, I found out after calling him the next evening that he had his ex round for dinner, she stayed the night (spare room...) and he phoned me the next day while he was driving to her house. I didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend - clearly he was with her and didn't get in touch until he was on his own again. I asked him not to contact me. Two days later he was texting again.
A pattern is emerging. In hindsight it may have been there all the time, but it seems that he contacts me every day, tells me what he's up to, asks me what I'm doing, and then suddenly, usually a weekend, I don't hear from him for a couple of days - the last time was last week when he said he missed me, then didn't hear anything. A part of me - I'm still healing - whispers who cares who he's with - but it's not loud enough yet.
We spoke on the phone about 3 weeks ago and he said he didn't want a relationship with anybody as he always hurts people, but he didn't want to say that as he doesn't think he can think of his life without seeing me. I said that he knew I wanted a relationship, so it has to be over. I said I might be able to be his friend at some point in the future, but he'd have to give me time. And that was that. 2 days later he turned up at lunchtime where I work, was affectionate, loving, and tried to hold my hand across the table, full of hugs etc., but had nothing profound to say.
I've been having acupuncture to help me. I haven't slept properly since all this started and I have no appetite. I know it will all come back. I am getting stronger and earlier in the week I had what I can only think was the anger phase of this whole process. He has been so selfish, and it feels like he's using me as some kind of back up plan while he 'decides who he wants to be with'. I still have feelings for him, I still find him incredibly attractive, but I'll just have to get over that. He still has a couple of things of mine. I need some sort of closure now, its the only way I can see to make myself better. I'm planning on meeting him tomorrow, asking for my things back, and asking that he doesn't contact me anymore. I can't make him love me, and do I really want to be with someone who behaves like this? It's all been such a shock, I thought he was the perfect person, we have so much in common, the same interests, we never argue...completely compatible. I thought we'd be growing old together. Its so sad. Such a waste.
I hear you, Isabelle. It doesn't make sense. You know it could be so much more than this. It showed so much potential. And yet, once again it comes down to the reality of what is. You are getting there, my beautiful friend. You are finding what you need to get stronger, to help you through this. You are recognizing the very real physical symptoms of going through this when your body knows all too well what you are finally coming to see. I well remember that sick, nauseees, state that became my own reality. So many dreams, so many hopes, so many plans. That is always what this is really about - not him as a person as much as him as part of our future.
"I can't make him love me, and do I really want to be with someone who behaves like this?" You're asking exactly the right question here, and in our own time, each of us comes to our own answer. It is sad, but never a waste, Isabelle. It's his loss, but one he's very much choosing. He knows what your terms are. He could turn this around. But he doesn't because he is making his choice. It somehow makes it easier to make your own choice when you can recognize that someone is indeed making his own very conscious choice.
Keep your dream, keep your plan, keep your growing old together images in your mind; but save them for someone who chooses to be a part of all that with you, Isabelle. If it's not him, there will be someone else. Don't take any of this personally! This is not a rejection of you!
Hi there!
While yoru reader made a great observation, and one to ponder, I still think you did the right thing when focusing on the need to "let go" rather than the other way around. Not that yoru reader's observations is off, not at all, but rather that those of us reading you -from the letters, from what you tell, and from the fact that if we keep on reading it is because we feel identified with many or most scenarios and characteristics or guys and relationships you describe- already have that tendency to work too hard at making things work. In another context, yes, maybe the focus should be on not forgetting that relationships take work and that it is worth it.. because people are nowadays very prone to have a low treshold for frustration and assume happiness means an easy ride and not a bit of chance, a good atttitude.... and a lot of perspiration (work)... But from all we have been sharing here, it seems like our tendency, yours, us, readers, is to actually already have a pro-work-'til the end of times at making a relationship work. We tend to fall into the opposite category of what I mentioned above. We deal with frustration, we suffer from it, but over and over again accept it and keep on fighting for the relationship, even if further moments of frustrations come along... a lot more of those moments than the happy ones. If we endure heartache and doubts for so long, while always trying to be empathetic (*too* empathetic), I think there is a big red sign taht we might have a higher tendency to hurt ourself-esteem and ourselves by being too kind and too forgiving.. and a bit too naive... rather than being "quitters", or self-centered. I learned it the hard way. I am not even sure how I bumped into your site, but it came in handy because I was very much in love with someone who would not commit. And I was so empathetic with his traumas, that I was forgetting taht by being too patient, I was putting him first, his comfort, his wishes, at the expense of overlooking my own needs, timings, rights. I did not want to admit it. We can see the good in a man and the potential in him to the point of not realizing when and how some men will only choose to have some good traits and leave most other traits they have or could have ina way that would benefit the relationship as... precisely.. only a potential they will refuse to develop. If they ever choose to, it is not likely to happen if we stay around and send the wrong message, unintentionally, by still being there no matter what. Some guys, most, of those not prone to commit, willl read into that they can keep their lifestyle as it is, not risk anything and that even if they guess we are not totally happy with the state of the situation , we will still remain beside them. It is awfully hurtful to admit that the man we love might be a good guy , generally speaking, but maybe not good for us!... or even that the guy might not be as nice nor care for us as much as we thought to even ever consider to commit and/or think in our needs a bit more. I was way too convinced that the man I loved was nice. After all we had been friends for eons and he always seemed like a great guy. Later, life brought us together and we became an item... an item without a proper definitjon nor clear limits, rights, do's an don'ts, because he would always hold back and not commit fully. Yes, he had reasons to have some traumas concerning relationshiops. But so I was I. And yet I was understanding toward him... for too long! and time went by, always hoping, always focusing in the moments where he seemed ready to take a leap in the right direction... but things never really *happened*. I must admit reading your entries was as interesting as upsetting. I could recognize in what you said many traits of "my" guy and many traits of myself, and yet I hated to think those traits were really his or mine. But getting angry over a bad attitude of his and just bumping on the same day, or soon before, into an entry where you spoke of how a guy who really loves us WILL look for us and do his best to "have" us if he really loves us once he realizes we "won't be around forever waiting for hin". I told myself that I would lose nothing by finally expressing my frustration (not all of it, but said enough, politely, but clearly), taking some distance, "moving on" (not that I did, but at least I act as if... I hope to move on! or at least not to remain in the same place forever!) and see what his reaction would be. Ohmy. Was that an eye opener. He did not even answer to what I said. Yes, he was upset. Yes, I think he does love me. Yet, if he did not dare to make a move, and shut up... he might love me, he does not love me ENOUGH. Do I want someone who loves me only so far? no. It hurts but... why settle for less? why treat myself as less valuable than him? And his ongoing silence only proved to me something ELSE. His reactions, and his lack of reaction, both made me realize of traits of him I thought were there out of trauma but not as negative as they actually were. I realized he did not love me enough AND that he was a nice guy... only so far. That he was a major coward. Not saying he was a coward for not loving me. A coward for hiding from me only to not have to address what he knew he had to address or at least acknowledge he had heard from me. He ignored all I had done as a friend and lover for many years by not even acknowleding that I had expressed my feelings. He acted as if I had said nothing, as if nothing ever had happened, and he showed a total lack of gratitude nor contemplated in any way the respect I deserved as a woman, and as the friend I had been for eons. A too loyal friend to a too, i realized, DISLOYAL friend, who ran instead of facing me and telling me the truth.. or shut up but at least prove that whatever he chose to do, he respected me as a person. No, he did not respect me enough. That is not just not loving me enough. It is worse. It does not only mean his love is not as big as mine for him. It means he is not the type of person I would normally love and would get involved with (if I had not known him for so many years already, yadda yadda... the point is, if I had met him only recently and noticed those traits, I would not have even considered him as a love interest at all). What an eye opener!!! I will say the truth. At times I "hate" to have read this, because I feel, for sure, the "withdrawal" of being around him and all the nice things about him. But I thank you, because my pain would have been worse if this had been going on and on for longer. And I would have never discovered this darker side of him. This not-so-nice side of him. And time proved it was the right move even more as I indirectly leearned of the way he had treated other women in the past! (the world is a small place, as big as it might seem... and one can end up meeting people who know things, and learning about a person in the most unexpected ways!).Did I want that man? hell, no! not even as a friend, anymore! Sure, there is this bleeding piece of my heart that secretely hopes that he will call me or look for me and fight for me, and say sorry, and admit of all his mistakes, and show me again all of his good without ignoring any of the bad, saying sorry for it and treating me as the valuable person I am. (Not saying I am any more valuable than any other woman.. but certainly I am not less valuable than any other, neither!) I believe in people changing... so my heart does not discard that possibility. Yet, my heart knows the chances of that happening are so so slim, that I am better off moving on. If he EVER loves me and EVER grows up enough as for his good traits to blossom and his immature ways to stop, THEN, if he does all the right things and shows real change, then, I might reconsider being around him. But if not, at least I won't feel like the idiot who stood around and missed on life because of someone who did not even value me enough. Am I feeling whole and great? no. I hurt. My self-esteem has plummeted, in a way, because when someone does not go after you when you choose to get distant, you realize you were not as loved as you thought, and sure... that takes a toll and makes us wonder if we will ever be loveable to anyone if to him TOO, to "that great guy" we meant nothing or were not as good as other women seem to have been or are or will be. And no, I have not moved on in the sense that I have met men.. and felt disapointed, and still miss in the others traits the "great who was not so great after all"-guy had. I miss him, I miss the good moments, I feel sad and have doubts about the future. I feel bad about myself, feel insecure. And yet... yet... at the same time I am proud of myself, I am happy with myself for not settling down for less than I deserve. I am happy to say that chose the risk, sadness and uncertainty, but left behind the uncertainties, rollercoasters and the passing, lost time spent while waiting for him. Am I feeling like I am gaining time or recovreing time now? not really. No one right seems to come along, I feel lonely, I feel fear, I am alone and I feel like I am wasting my life. But I am not wasting my dignity. I am not undervaluing myself. I am seeing my life pass by, but at least can keep my head up and not feel like time flies while I go through terrible ups and downs depending on howe "he" woke up on a given day and how willing to show caring and love someone else chose to be with me! I feel sad but I feel more than before that I have myself. That I have my back. Myself. That I am my main fan, the one who believes the most in myself. As it should be. Because even if Mr Guy loved me, who knows what life would be like and in the end, we all go through birth, death alone, and have to upt up with our emotional wellbeing and innermost thoughts all throughout life, in a way that we won't put up or enjoy anyone else's. We live with ourselves and for ourselves first. Which is not being selfish. Because when we care for ourselves, we can care for others, help others, be better human beings (putting ourselves first does not have to equal being conceited nor self-centered). And yes, I feel lonely in a way. But I do not feel lonely in another one. I stood up for myself. I did not "leave" myself be lonely. I once heard a Brazilian motivational speaker say (more or less, not sure of the exact words) that the feeling of loneliness is directly proportional to how distant we feel from our own selves. Which I am not now. Nope. I am not. Because I have allowed my self to do a lot of soul searching and stick for myself and root for myself no matter how painful the consequences might be. The whole experience is painful, and bitttersweet... but the sweet part of the bittersweet experience is way too important to ignore. In the end, it wins over the bittenerss and sandess. Maybe it does not feel that way now, but I know by moments it does, and it will feel more and more so as time goes by and that the memory of the guy who did not love me enough gets a bit more blurry and the pride to have respected my own self willl always be there for me to feel stronger and loved... by myself! and that is where it all should start, right? I can only hope to reap the good of all this in a more obvious way soon... it is difficult, in the meantime. But nothing beats a clean conscience, and the sense of self-worth. Nothing. Once we have stood up for ourselves, the world looks different. The world is different. And going back to where we were might be tempting in some ways, we KNOW we could not go back and be happy. Not even if living for long in an "up" moment of the "pseudo" relationship with the "wished" partner. Thank you, Jane. You gave me the guts to stop being too nice. And it made me realize that I was not only nice, I was being stupid. And that the niceness in him left too much to be desired. This way, it is NOT easy, all is painful, all is uncertain. But the other way was painful and uncertain as well. And this one, at least, whatever happens, I know is the RIGHT way for me. The other? clearly was not. Even if things turned around and he changed... well, it would have still been the right thing all along, because nothing would ever change anyway without making this move. Hugssssssssssss
"But nothing beats a clean conscience, and the sense of self-worth. Nothing. Once we have stood up for ourselves, the world looks different. The world is different. And going back to where we were might be tempting in some ways, we KNOW we could not go back and be happy. Not even if living for long in an "up" moment of the "pseudo" relationship with the "wished" partner."
I'm speechless, Elena; you've captured the very essence of exactly what I have to say in such a beautiful heartfelt way. Thank you, my beautiful friend, for sharing your story and explaining your journey in a way more inspiring - and motivating - than I could ever articulate.
Oh, thank YOU. Sorry for all the mistakes, in between English not being my language and a bad keyboard I have made tons of mistakes, it is a miracle you understood me! Tons of love!
And jane. . .i have to tell you...just to keep u posted that the air cond guy did contacted me during his vacation. i just didnt see the messages so it was all a big misunderstanding! We are going on our first date on saturday. Things are going really good. Im taking it really slow and doing all the things u recommend and now i know are right. He loves that i have a life and that im very happy with myself....thank u again
oh Mari, what an interesting turn of events! I'm so glad to hear this - and even more importantly - that it's because you came to the realization that you're the one who does the choosing here that you can be the one to stand in the beautiful light of full life and decide whether or not he will be worth you! Thank you so much for sharing this update with me!
Great post! I also ended up in a dead end relationship of convenience. I gave well over 110% of myself only to have the bar raised higher by him. It seemed the harder I tried to make him happy the more he expected and the less he gave, the crumbs. At times I wasn't even getting crumbs, so I would try harder. It became a one sided relationship where in the end I started resenting him and even hated him at one point. This is the man that I completely adored from head to toe. I really placed him high on a pedestal. He would make empty promises and never follow through with them. After being discarded so many times to bounce back with his ex-girlfriend, I finally took myself out of the equation and left him no choice but to bounce back to her and stay. Or at least until he finds someone else to bounce to when things aren't going good with them. It just was not going to be me any longer. I searched so many websites on "How to get your ex back", thinking it was me, but nothing worked. After much research on his behavior I have found that most likely he is a narcissistic sociopath. Regardless of what he is, there became a time in my life when I had to learn to love myself and realize I deserved better. Which I think after going through so much turmoil with him, I have found complete happiness within myself. I'm not sure if it is because the past four years were so horrendous and that I put myself through it. Or if it is the simple fact for once in my life I am putting my needs and happiness first. I will always be a giver and a caretaker for those I love, that is me, it's what I do. I just ended up with someone that was a taker. I enjoy reading your post. My only tidbit of info I could add is do not waste your life on someone for crumbs. I wasted 4 years of my life. If you have to compromise yourself and sacrifice your own happiness to make the other happy, it will only get worse. Love is a two way street of give and take.
"...I have found complete happiness within myself" - you inspire me, Indygirl! And yes, keep that beautiful part of you that is always going to give and take care of the people you allow in your life - but make sure you're getting enough in return. Thank you for sharing your story and for adding to the conversation; when you've been there, you have so much to share!
As always...you are completely right! I met guy like that....exactly what you described as looking for you when he had nothing better to do. And i learned to spot the difference between this kind of guy and one that truly wants to be with you and persue a relationship. I also tried to stay in a relationship with a man that deep inside i always knew wasnt for me because we had a son and i...no matter what...wanted my son to bave his family together even though he was inmature, egocentric and narcicistic uf! ive learned from my mistakes and at this point of my life and thanks to you, Jane....i now know what do, which guys are just not worth it and that my next relationship will be with someone that deserves me, truly loves me and i wont make the mistakes ive made in the past for sure. Thank you for this website! Its the best ever and i recommmended it to all my girlfriends!!!
Thanks for your sweet words, Mari; I'm so glad this is resonating with you and you're learning to tell the difference between the ones you want in your life and those you don't! We can be so well-intentioned and yet as we all eventually find out, it's never enough. You are getting this, my beautiful friend!