Of all the emails I've received recently from my readers, one of the most overwhelming underlying themes centers around feeling rejected. It seems that so many of you are either in the process of feeling rejected by someone by his lack of responsiveness to you, or you are having a really hard time getting over someone because you feel rejected by him. Many of you are wondering how there could be any hope left for you since you feel you keep getting rejected regardless of who you are, what you do, or who you find yourself involved with.
A majority of you find yourselves wondering where to go from here, because you're afraid of feeling rejected again if you put yourself out there and give someone a chance. And yet the alternative, being alone, isn't any better because you really want to be in a committed relationship with someone, you’re just not sure how to go about it.
And for many of you, there is a downward spiral effect so that the more you put yourself out there, and the more you find yourself feeling rejected, the worse you feel about yourself and the more you question whether you will ever find the love you’re looking for or if there’s just too much wrong with you to attract any man who will really love you for your true self.
It's enough to crush the self-esteem of even the most confident woman.
I want you to rewind this entire recording that’s been playing on in your head for far too long. I want you to go back to the very first time you felt what you have been calling rejection from a guy. Remember as many details as you can about it, about the whole relationship regardless of how long it was, and I want you to answer the following questions as honestly as you can.
- What was he like?
- How did you feel when you were with him?
- What were your expectations?
- What were his expectations?
- What were your terms?
- What were his terms?
- Could you both communicate honestly about your feelings?
- How did he treat you?
- How compatible were you really?
- What was he looking for?
- What were you looking for?
There’s a reason we’re starting with the first time you experienced feeling rejected. Because it set the stage for what you called rejection. So that the next time you experienced a similar lack of compatibility and it ended, you took it as a rejection again. A rejection of your beautiful you, your true self, and all that you are and had to offer someone who you thought was worth your you.
From here it wasn't much of a stretch to wonder what was wrong with you, and depending on how many times you experienced this, it’s no wonder you began to question yourself enough to wonder if there really is something wrong with you and if you’re destined to always be alone.
This is where the truth comes in. Not any more of the lies you've been buying into about this rejection you've been making into your reality. I know it plays into the emotional story where we’re not good enough for someone, we’re not beautiful enough or intelligent enough or sexy enough, or popular enough or whatever part of enough we want to call it. But this calls for a reality check of what rejection is and isn't.
You haven’t been rejected.
The truth is, you just were not compatible. If you look closely at your answers to the questions above, you'll realize that you were two different people who wanted two different things, who were not on the same page.
How do I know? Because if this wasn't the case, you wouldn't be feeling rejected because you'd still be together.
Over the story you wrote about that first time you were feeling rejected, write that out in a big bold color. You weren't rejected. Go through each of the experiences you've been calling rejection and do this same exercise for each one.
None of this has been what you thought it was!
This is what really happened. No matter what it felt like emotionally to you, he wasn’t rejecting you. He saw what you couldn’t see while you were trapped in that beautiful, emotional world you live in where love conquers all and covers a multitude of differences. Also known as the fairy tale.
The truth is, love doesn't always conquer all.
It takes the practical reality of two people who not only love each other, but who also want the same thing as the other and are both willing and ready to do what it takes to make that happen.
That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
There is no rejection.
Just differences. Incompatibility. Different pages.
Someone finally had to set you both free so you could get on with your lives and not waste any more time with something that couldn't work - no matter how much you wanted it to.
This story you've bought into, this rejection theme, the one that’s chipped away at your self-esteem, your self-confidence with each and every new occurrence with someone who simply wasn't right for you; it’s time to put it to rest. And write a new ending. The one that begins and ends with a beautiful person otherwise known as you who deserves someone who’s on the same page, who wants the same kind of commitment you want, who’s ready and willing to do what it takes to make it work with someone who wants this all, too!
Don’t call it rejection. Don’t take it personally. Don’t let its judgment rest on you for even a second! Feel yourself released from its hold. Release yourself with this knowledge. No more feeling rejected.
Who are you without this weight? Who are you without this story?
You’ve never been rejected. You’ve only been with someone who wasn’t right for you!
Thank you for the great article and your responses in the comments section (and thank you to all those who shared). It really helped me with my most recent "rejection" (via text last evening, which made for quite the sleepless night).
It's also given me a good bit to think about. While I'm not an "over-texter" I'm probably one of those types who gives too much, too soon. So called "rejection" can be a tough pill to swallow when feeling as though you sacrificed to make things work and "did everything right" (taking initiative, paying for dates, traveling long distances so the other person doesn't have to, opening up, listening attentively, swallowing your pride, showing respect).
You come to see yourself as the "good guy" in the story, and when you don't "win" it's absolutely jarring. You think, "Wait, that wasn't supposed to happen..."
Would you give the same advice to someone who was never being themself?
I met a girl. At first the attraction was mutual. In fact, she told all her family and friends about me. Then I started reading into things I found out about her and asked others for advice and started to behave like the guy I thought she wanted me to be. After two dates and some desperate behaviour, she rejected me. I struggled with this and explained the situation to her when I met her months later. She told me she's been going out with other people. She was surprised that I had been, too.
Anyway, this girl and I share values, interests, education/career levels, and have similar families and lifestyles. We complement one another: I take an interest in her art and she admires my ambition at work. I am quite sure that if I were more self-assured, assertive, fun, and less needy, it would have worked out between us. Basically, the guy I am the majority of the time who she never got to meet because I was too busy trying to please her.
As bad as it is being 'rejected' for who you are, it's far worse to be rejected for being someone you're not.
It's not rejection. She's just looking for something different apparently. Even if you think you're right for one another, she seems to not feel the same way, which makes you a mismatch. Remember that you might be projecting an idea onto her, but you may not see who she actually is. This happens to almost everyone at some point in our lives.
Think about why you were so busy trying to be what you thought she wanted you to be. That's where you might find the answers. It's not about her, it's about you.
Whenever you feel you have to be someone else to get someone to like you, that's your cue that it's not right.
I would look within me to find out why I did that, why I pretended.
Just go easy on yourself, live your own life and be who you are, your authentic self at all times. If she's meant to be for you, she will show up, if not, you'll be better off.
The reason I tried to be someone I wasn't is because this girl is the best girl I've ever met. Everything seemed to make so much sense in the beginning and we both liked each other mutually. I chose to take bad advice. That is, advice that suggested I be someone I'm not. My sister, who has the kind of relationship where he agrees with everything she said, advised me not to play games, to be myself, to be the nicest guy I could be, to stay in touch with her constantly, and to offer to do things for her. This wasn't how I naturally deal with women but I thought this girl is looking for someone seriously and I'd be best off behaving like a potential husband. I didn't realize how unappealing this behavior would be.
I got a chance to explain this situation. I told her I wasn't being myself and that I was taking advice from others. At this point, though, she clearly saw me as a friend. She was still testing me and trying to impress me, but she became uncomfortable when I acted like more than a friend. She said she didn't feel attraction to me and she wanted to focus on this new guy that she was planning on seeing. I can't say for sure, but it looks like that eventually came to an end, too.
Considering we met online, it was hard enough to get her out this additional time. I'd never see her any other way since we have no mutual friends, We are connected on social media, though. At this point, I'm hoping she realizes that there was potential, if only I was more confident or if I was more myself. She could have cut off all connection soon after but I'd like to believe she hasn't because she realizes things could change with time.
In the meantime, I'm moving on. I started seeing someone new and things are progressing nicely. I've learned my lessons and I'm not trying too hard, texting her too much, or revealing all of my insecurities. As well as I've managed things with this new girl and as satisfied as I feel with not having to try too hard and with her mutual attraction, I can't help but wonder about the other girl. I'm still no less sure that she's the perfect girl for me. With what I've learned and with what I will continue to learn, I feel like if we happen to meet again down the road, she will find that I'm the guy she was hoping I would be from the beginning. At that time, she'll choose to be with me because she'll be attracted to me.
I don't believe that attraction is permanent. I don't doubt that she will be attracted to me again. I know second chances are even more rare for casual dating than they are for relationships, but I've acknowledged my mistakes and have been making great efforts at improving my approach. I've been working out and thinking more positively. The only question I have is whether she would be willing to give it another chance, to put aside what she thinks she knows about me, to start over, and to learn who I genuinely am from the beginning.
Thank you so much for that, those words were extremely uplifting and really touched my heart. In college, I was physically and emotionally abandoned by my first love. We were friends that had become extremely close and began a romantic relationship. Are relationship evolved to the point where eventually began speaking of marriage. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, he was my first everything and I thought I would be with him forever. He was in the navy and eventually got stationed far away. We handled the distance at first, then things began to change. I could feel it. He began ignoring me and being short. Eventually he became very angry with me the more hurt I expressed. He said very viciouse things-some still haunt me to this day. The break up was horrific, he eventually pretended I did not exist. Erased me from his life. Replaced me as if we had nothing. Came to town and pretended as if he didn't know who I was. I never saw him again and one day when I just couldn't take that he was leaving things this way I called him. Of course he had nothing nice to see even though a few months had passed. His last words were, "you never meant anything to me, are relationship meant nothing." After he hung up those words stuck with me for months. I thought I was over it but I am now realizing that I only PARTIALLY dealt with this rejection. It's been two years and I'm barely realizing this. Your words have definitely helped me.
So glad this resonated with you, Marrie. When we shift our mindset and see "rejection" like this - for the reality of what it really is above all the stories we've been so programmed to ourselves - we become free like never before. Free to embrace your own life, free to be yourself, free to be loved for who you are, because someone who is on the same page as you and wants the same thing as you will never, ever treat you like this!
Hello everyone.
I'm having such a hard time handling this rejection. I was with the same guy since I was 12 years old. We had an early pregnancy and landed up getting married when our daughter was five. We had lots of fun together but then -Long story short, we started drifting apart. I found out he was having an affair for many years! We separated 2 1/2 years ago and it was extremely hard. I had a really good guy wanting to date me for two years. He was chasing me! I hung out with him occasionally' yes we slept together and we had such good times. But I couldn't allow myself to commit to him because I wasn't over my first love. This guy told me everything - he knew we could work - he knew we could make a beautiful life together - he knew I was the one - he never loved anybody like he loved me before. He truly and sincerely is a great guy. But my heart was blocked from being so hurt from my previous relationship. We didn't stay together as a committed couple we kind of got together here and there and in between he dated a little bit and I dated one person. I couldn't get feelings for that person so I backed it off very quickly. Truth of the matter was, I just wasn't ready! After a while me and this guy that has now rejected me started hanging out again. We did some stuff together and decided we were not going to have sex again unless I wanted to commit to him. We landed up going to a wedding together and it bothered me that he was texting girls right beside me. I don't know what came over me because I've never had feelings for him before and I never really cared who he was texting but all of a sudden I flipped out! I was supposed to go with this guy back to his house and go out for the night and have a very nice night but instead I left after the wedding was over and I went home. Two weeks later I wake up and realize not only do I have feelings for this guy but I fell in love' hard! I called him up to tell him I needed to talk to him. I could tell he was blowing me off a little bit but I couldn't understand why because he's been in love with me for over two years! It turns out that he started seeing somebody else and is very involved now. How can he be seeing somebody else when he poured his heart out to me a little over two weeks ago about how much he loves me and how it could work? I mean this guy was really after me! This is the first guy that I fell in love with after my 34 year relationship with my husband. I really thought when I told this guy that I had fell in love with him that he was going to be really excited because he told me that I was everything he ever wanted. I'm going on two weeks now and I can't eat I can't sleep I can't even think for myself. Just three weeks prior to him seeing this other girl he told me how much he loved me and that he knows it could work between us and that he sees a beautiful future with us. Help me understand what I did wrong or what he did wrong. I just love him so much I'm having such a hard time getting through this. I sincerely feel that we were compatible. I believe my heart was blocked from my marriage and the hurt that I endured at the end of my marriage. When this guy told me what he wanted in a relationship and that he loved me so much and he knew it could work - I think he put me in a corner and made me think about things or should I say' rethink my life. It took me two weeks to think about it and then all of a sudden the feelings came pouring out uncontrollably! Now he's taken and he won't even talk to me. How can he go from loving me so much to not even being able to talk to me on the phone or text me? How do I move on!?
Hi Jane,
Just trawled through the internet on the train home from a tough day stressing over what I feel is rejection and did find comfort in your thoughts. Feeling a little ashamed as I am well away that in my situation it's probably very silly to feel rejected because a) I knew I probably would end up feeling that way but b) I went ahead anyway in the hope that my instincts were wrong. Basically, I met a guy on holiday this week, spent an evening chatting to him, found him very charming, attractive etc. I genuinely wanted to go home with him that night, and honestly thought I could deal with the whole 'no strings' thing. He spent the next day of the holiday with me, we went jet skiing and for dinner, and out as a group that night. He came back to mine again and said that once I was back from travelling and he from a stint at sea (he's in the navy) that we should see what happens. I've now not heard anything, and I knew deep down that I probably wouldn't, but I still feel somehow rejected and as though I must not be enough for him as he hasn't been in touch:(. I know this sounds incredibly childish and naive, just wondered whether you'd had a similar experience or any advice on how to handle this in a way that isn't punishing myself mentally. Would really appreciate it, thanks. Chloe x
Don't be so hard on yourself, Chloe. Honestly, what you've described happens to so many of us, you're so not alone. We all want to believe it might be different this time, regardless of what our gut instincts try to warn us about. Our belief systems - and that belief in the fairytale and the fantasy of the movies we love to watch - all play a role. Forgive yourself! For so many of us, it's how we learn. In fact, often it's the only way we learn. Through experience, through seeing the reality of what is instead of the fantasy that we want it to be enough times that we eventually realize that the only way to know if someone is on the same page is to take things slow. But we each have to come to this on our own, Chloe, in our own time, and in our own way. Until then, the absolute best thing you can do is love yourself, go easy on yourself and forgive yourself. It's not about him, it's about you. And when you can release yourself from this shame, from having to "know better" than you did, that you're the only one putting on yourself, you'll find yourself able to put him and this experience in perspective, too. At least you found out now before you became any more involved with him. Now you know for sure!
You are so right he does just what he wants. Now he says I am still thinking about whether I will come back or not.
His story keeps changing. There is no compromise with him. I would love counseling but we can't afford that.
He doesn't think he does or says wrong and will not open up and talk. It is always my fault.I have read everything I can find and all the info on fixing your marriage cost. I am sure they are great and would help but I can barely pay the
Bills on my own since he left. Thanks so much for any help
My husband and I have been together 5 yes.he left me in April he says he likes it better at his sons house he can do what he wants. I have never told him what to do or when to come home. I just go pick him up when drunk and
Do not complain . I wait on him which if we ever get together again will stop he never did me.
He says he wants to date and have it like we were at first,but every time he says he will call
To set up a date he never calls. This has happened 6 times.He says he loves me but there's
Too many mixed signals. Can someone help me
How do I know when someone has replied to my problem?
Q
How do I know when someone replies?
Focus on you first, Susie. You're not meant to be the martyr or the victim here; and as you've seen; this isn't what he wants either. It sounds like he's going to do whatever he wants to do regardless of what you do or don't do. Your role isn't to change him or try to make yourself into someone that you're not.
It sounds like you both could benefit from some marriage counselling to try to find what brought the two of you together in love, and marriage, in the first place, to try to rekindle those thoughts and feelings of love again. If he won't go, then you can always go yourself and get some support for you.
It sounds like that's what you need most of all, Susie, someone to listen to you, to hear you, to see you, to understand you, to be there for you like you've been doing for everyone else but you. Start with loving yourself, with seeing yourself for all that you are and all that you have to offer. That's the kind of beautiful woman you are, Susie. And regardless of what someone else does or doesn't do with you, that part hasn't changed.
HELP.... hi iv been with my fella now for over 12 months things moved real fast at the beginning of the relationship and a few months later I moved in with him but in the last few months hes been acting strange especially when hes had a few drinks he always starts an argument with me but one nite he went out alone didn't come bk till 4 in the morning wouldnt answer his phone or texts came in drunk as a skunk fell asleep on the couch and I checked his phone only to find out he was chatting up 4 women on facebook I had it out with him the nxt day and he denied it and said it wasn't him so he blatanty lied to my face over and over that day and said im paranoid things just hasn't been good lately hes distant always making up excuses not to have sex am I just kidding myself. . is my gut feelings right should I run and keep running?????
Trust yourself, Chrissy; you always know what you know, regardless of what he may be telling you or what he wants you to believe instead. You saw what you saw and you've seen by his actions what can't be excused away when there's a consistent pattern to all of these red flags that tell you something is off. Trust those instincts of yours; you always know. It's the coming to terms with what you can and can't live with - and what you want to do about all this - that's up to you.
Hi Jane,
I desperately need your help. I fell for one of my friend. He and I became very close, he sent me mixed signals, we spoke on the phone everyday for hours until one of us fell asleep.
I supported him endlessly, he gradually opened up to me about things and I was glad that we were at a stage where we could talk to each other about things. He and I could both tell when the other was pretending to be okay. He spoke about us as if we had a future together. I encouraged him to go back to school and to seek better for himself. If ever he was in a jam or in doubt about something, I was the first person he called. Eventually he began to open up about his family, his past relationship, which I know is hard for guys to do.
On my down days, he was right there cheering me on. So I am an avid reader of your blog and having read some articles and comments I decided I had to let him go, because I couldn't tell if he felt the same way. I sent him a message saying how I felt and for almost a week we had no contact, though he did try to message and call. Then it was my birthday, he was the first to call. I did not answer when I saw his number. He then messaged me, I did not respond. Later on he tried calling again and he said he knows that he has been a bad person to me and that he was really sorry. He then went on to say that it had absolutely nothing to do with me and that its all him.
I thought to myself well, I am getting the classic "its not you, its me"
Of course I don't see it this way. I asked him to be honest with me and not sugarcoat anything, cause I wanted to know why I wasn't enough, what was wrong with me. He insisted that it wasn't me and that I shouldn't change anything about myself.
He then went on to say that he didn't want to end a good friendship, because I was the only true friend he had, and the only person to ever show him such kindness.
Silly me has be pretending to be a cool friend since then ( a week now). But I don't know if I can do it. My self esteem is at an all time low. I gave him my absolute best and if it wasn't enough for him I can't see how it will be for anyone else. I've been in love three times and each time it was rejection, only difference being this one I was friends with.
I don't want to disappoint him and make it seem like I was not a good friend, but I am in so much pain right now. I don't know what to do, if I continue being friends, I cannot fathom another girl coming into his life. He says there is none....
I know i'm not pretty and I am overweight, he said prettiness has nothing to with it and insists its not me.... help me see it Jane. Rejection means the other person does not like u back, it means it has to be me.... if it weren't me he wouldn't reject me.....
I have a huge exam coming up and I can't focus.....
thanking u greatly, sorry for being so long...
My heart goes out to you, Jolene. For what you're not seeing within yourself. For how you're seeing only what you lack, what you don't have, what you feel you can't offer. You are beautiful, regardless of whether you fit our culture's definition of beautiful or not. We all have things we want to change about ourselves, but you can change them and it still won't make someone want to be with you because it's always about them, regardless of what you want to believe. If you're not enough for him, then he's not enough for you!
"Rejection means the other person does not like u back, it means it has to be me.... if it weren't me he wouldn't reject me...." No, Jolene; that's where we go so wrong and do so much damage to ourselves! The ones who reject you are the ones who you're not meant to be with - they're the ones who aren't on the same page, who don't want the same thing as you, who aren't willing to do what it takes to make a real relationship work. That's how you know! They reject you because of their own stuff, not yours, because just you like you don't want to be with everyone who wants to be with you for your own various personal reasons, so do they!
Don't pretend, don't try to be something you know you can't be. I could never be friends with someone who was breaking my heart and I don't know why it would ever be loving to ourselves to do so. Don't ask him why, don't ask him to give you his own subjective thoughts of why you're not enough; don't torture yourself like this! His opinions of you are his own; they don't define you, and in fact, have nothing to do with you. For someone who's right for you, Jolen, who's looking for exactly who you are because that's who he is and why he's right for you, you will never go through any of this.
Focus on you! Focus on your exam which is part of the life you're creating for yourself. Let him be who he is and you be who you are. You are always enough for someone who's right for you, but without rejection, we would never come to know the ones who belong in our lives and the ones who don't. It's not about being right or wrong or enough or not enough, it's about being with the ones who love you for you, who accept you as you are, and adore that beautiful woman known as you! Don't let your own emotions or lack of love for yourself keep you from seeing these truths, Jolene. You, like everyone else on the face of the earth, deserve to be loved!
thank you Jane, I will read this till its embedded in my brain. I am trying very hard because I have precious nieces whom I don't want set a bad example for. I know I am going to have to end the friendship.... I guess its just hard when u've really given your all to someone on all aspects of their life and yet still you end up being strangers.
I think it was the reader Jackie that opened my eyes for the inner bonder program, i´d like to post this link about emotional dependency which is actually really great! http://www.innerbonding.com/help_pdf/emotional_dependency_emotional_freedom.pdf
Dear Jane !
How are you doing on this most exceptional of days ? Well, i hope !!! I come to you for beautiful advise... as that is what flows from your veins, like water in all of these beautiful rivers !
Anyway... Where to begin... I've know a girl for 3 years... in 2 1/2 of these we pretty much only hung out twice... she, being super into adventures, and me as well... once was surfing, and once was bungie jumping... anyway, she recently got out of her 2 1/2 year relationship and we started to hang out quite a bit. (they broke up in dec, we started hanging out in feb). She joined in on a couple group camping trips, and most recently me and her spent 4 days up in Victoria exploring the island and adventuring about (many photos of my fb, if you wanna see some funny faces ). This whole time we kind of have just been playing friends, which is fine... but when i got to port in Canada, her 1st time being there... i thought, what the hell, i'll go in 70% and see if i can be her 1st ever canadian kiss... sure enough, it happened... and butterfly's that have always been there... flew... we spent the 4 days enjoying the simple things, exploring the island... holding hands, and epic cuddle nights... all the while she kept telling me she was going to stay away from dating and relationships/sex for at least 1 year... which was fine by me... we got back from canada and well... a night of cuddling turned into an epic night of kind romance... i left the morning for work, returned home to a made bed, a nice note, and 100.00 for gas even tho, she pretty much squared up before she left... what a kind gesture... and it has been far too long since i have recieved such kindness in return for output energy... either way... were back in the city now, and have spent a couple days hiking around, and riding motorcycles... she knows i'm really into her... and she continues to start soft kissing sessions and stays over for cuddle competitions... mean while, deep inside... i know shes not looking for what i'm after... and shes not ready for what i would love to be able to provide another... she's a bartender and also gets hit on a solid 30 hours a week, and altho she has "1000" internet friends... most of them don't really mean anything to her, and deep down i can tell shes got a heart of gold... the gold tho, is far out of my or anyone's reach... i know she also keeps a few other men around and has a few cuddle buddies... me on the other hand, this was the 1st girl i kissed since Nov, and never keep anyone on "the back burner" i give any relationship i get involved with all that i can offer. I dont "spread my love all over town" i like to think of that ben harper song, forever... when i think of what i would love to find me in life currently... anyway... she wants to continue this casual game of being friends... or even just keep being adventure buddies... but truthfully my heart can't do it... i would go insane trying to stop from worring her with all the activities and people she chooses to involve in her life... i feel like i need to walk away... to protect my heart, but i'm not sure if that is a part of me thats being selfish, a piece of me that i need to expose to such things, and learn to overcome.. or if its best to just tell her i can't be around right now... Me and a few friends are planning a 6month world trip in sep-march and i told her she could join for part of it, and shes planning on it... but i don't think it the best idea to bring along a "friend" when traveling... as i've learned from prior trips, there are plenty of amazing and brilliant beautiful women already traveling... i wouldn't want them, or anyone else i might find between now and then to think i have friends staying around that i've slept with... i care for her deeply, but don't know how to tell her i must put me first.
Your beautiful thoughts ?
Thanks much Alex
Remember the most important part about real love being about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen; there's a reason for that criteria, Alex. It sounds so incredible, so amazing the way you tell it - and you do have a way with words! - but as much as you can get caught up in the moment, it always has to be about the reality of what you can live with and what you can't.
If you're both not there together, if you're both looking for different things, than that reality - the reality of what is - has to be what you go by if you want to be truly happy in a relationship with someone. And you've described both of you pretty clearly here, Alex, it sounds like you know in your heart and in your head and in your gut - in all those places there seems to be an agreement, of what that looks like to you.
It's not selfish, it's not a lesson that you might need to learn, it's you knowing what you need and what you don't, it's you having a clear understanding of what you can live with and what you can't.
But of course, it's never that simple when we involve our hearts and our emotions and the romantic ideas of our culture that always tries to pull us in with it's romantic fantasies of love conquering all and people changing each other for the love of a good man or woman. We all fall for it at one time or another, and many of us keep on falling time and time again.
You know, Alex, trust yourself. You're the only one you answer to, you're the only one who's responsible for your own happiness, and you're the only one who knows for sure what you can live with and what you can't. Do that!
Jane =)
I can't wait to grow old, and have the focused and experienced mindset and heart that you do. Having lived all of these experiences, the words that flow from your soul are direct, and kind simultaneously. I thank you greatly for them always... i Love looking back on all your posts i have bookmarked when my mind starts to take over where the heart should be standing =)..
This is actually what i had wrote to her, a few hours after i posted this on here
"Megan ! First and foremost, I want you to know this letter comes from the deepest depths of my heart. I’ve had such an amazing last few months going on brilliant and unforgettable adventures with you. You are such a unique and beautiful being, I could write a thousand positive words, and they would do nothing but diminish just how amazing you truly are. I feel we have gotten close, close enough to realize that at this point in our lives, we are after different things from life, and each other. And it’s at this point in my life, I must remove myself from this situation. I made myself a promise at the beginning of this year that I wouldn’t get involved with anything/anyone who wasn’t on the same page as me, in giving all that we both possible could. I know this is not where you are in life, and that’s perfectly fine . This is what I need to do for myself right now tho. I care about you greatly, and know you will conquer anything and everything you ever set your mind or heart to do… You’re The Megan B…
And there will only ever be, one of you !
Love Always Alex "
She reply'd
"Woah... sooo that's that? Or what do you mean???
3/26, 9:35pm
I told you from the beginning what I was after... and my goals for the year. I also confessed you are one of my truest, greatest, best friends. Please don't tell me you are taking that away. This is a terrible way to go about this over facebook. Alex, I expected more especially from you..."
But i don't feel the need to say any more. I've said what i feel i needed too.
I'll be ready soon to take care of the one that falls along my path next in life... i'm getting closer =) and am happy to have found people like you to help me keep walking in the right direction along the way =)
Thank you jane !
That's what matters, Alex; that you say what you need to, that you do what you need to, that you live the way you need to for you! You've got this already, Alex. Trust yourself; you know!
I think those ladies, who are too heartbroken about rejection should get themselves a telemarketing job for a couple of months. There they learn thet rejection is normal. That even the best telemarketers get rejected hundreds of times a day. That when you call you already know that you are most likely going to get regected and if you get accepted one time out of ten in most telemarketing business you are doing great job. They also may learn how to deal with rejection in a positive way, have confidence in your offering no matter what, learn a lesson from every feedback and keep going. It is perfectly normal, when 99% of the world rejects you, because the truth is, we only need to learn to value the 1% that accepts us to live a happy life.
So true, Nina; thanks for the great analogy!
hi
this is really meaningful article and its helps me a lot because i am on this situation ....
thanks that i saw this site that can helps lot of people to recover for something that they are in to.
God bless
Glad this resonated with you, Sandra 🙂 Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by to let me know!
Debi Berndt has a hypnosis meditation on Overcoming Romantic Rejection and there are EFT videos on YouTube for rejection and jealousy. They are helpful if done consistently and with intention. But if someone is particularly stuck it may be something other than the person but an earlier trauma. That is where EMDR is good. Rejection is very painful. I would never want to minimize it. What I have learned is to use it as an opportunity to heal wounds that are painful and likely caused by something much earlier in life. This way it's a way to heal and build immunity from repeating the pattern with someone else. One thing that I will also say is that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Even as hurtful as it was, at least you knew you were capable of feeling the way you did, what I personally think is worse is to be so numb to love that you never feel at all.
Thanks for sharing your experiences here, Jackie.
You're welcome. Another thing I wanted to add was that if we look back at the people we rejected, we can see that there was nothing wrong with them. They may have been attractive, smart, great personality but the reasons we said no were more about us than them. Either we felt unworthy, fearful of being found out, or were dealing with something critical that we had to deal with or go away for. It had nothing to do with them. And it had nothing to do with us. It wasn't timing. It was just what it was but in no way a statement of our love-ability or worth.
Sometimes it takes time but most often I and others have looked back with a sigh of relief that a person "rejected" us. It's re-direction and God's protection. I would love to thank many people who have rejected me because my life went in a different direction because of it and wouldn't want it any other way.
So true, Jackie; even if it's so hard to see it this way when we're going through it.
Ain't that the truth. Going through hell? Keep going.
When someone starts out on the same page and enjoys being with you but changes midstream, it can make seeing what might seem obvious difficult. So Jane, you really stress making proper choices from a position of strength. If you have not already, could you sometime clear up any confusion by illustrating what exactly is a red flag? Is it different for each individual? Are some forgivable? By reading about concrete examples, it might make deciding much easier. I missed several, one of which was described to me not as a red flag but as actually something written in the sky, lol.
The key is to really take your time to get to know someone really well before you make any assumptions about them or the two of you together, Wayne. I went into detail on the most common red flags in an earlier post I wrote about how to tell if someone isn't that into you. Only you know whether they're "forgiveable" or dealbreakers" or not, based on your own boundaries and what you can live with and what you can't. That part is always personal.
And as for those signs that seem "written in the sky" instead of a red flag, most of what determines the difference is what our cultural programming and the media has led us to falsely believe about love and romance are all about. It's in those movies and TV shows and the messages we receive from them that we can mistakenly believe something is the real thing, instead of something to be aware of. Without knowing specifically what that was, I'm guessing that's what happened there. Glad you enjoyed this one!
Great article once again! I feel that you have made me start to think these things much more and I have found so many good tips. I don't quite yet get this whole thing of finding a true love but hopefully I'm on my way there, meeting that right person... I will also try this exercise but to be honest I cannot remember the first rejection, the first time someone made me feel really bad. I have always been a sensitive girl and a bit of a dreamer and the guys I have been seeing I have always liked a lot otherwise I wouldn't have even started anything. I once fell in love also but it is such a distance memory that I don't remember how it felt. But I will try to think about this and then when I do remember the rejection I will try the exercise and hopefully that will release some of the feelings I have hidden inside me which I don't even know and where they came from originally.
By the way, it makes me wonder, you talk about finding the "right" type that is not really the type we think that suits us...could this mean the person I feel inferior to like the really nice guy who scares me because I'm not good enough for him etc.? Little bit out of this conversation but I have thought about this a lot.
I'm so glad these words are helping you see things more clearly, Annie. That's exactly the point; to think about things the way they relate to you and your life and to be open to the thoughts and the questions that come up for you and see what resonates with you. If someone scares you, there's something coming up for you, and if you feel like it might be that you think you're not good enough for "the really nice guy", try breaking it down a little more and see what's underneath that. Do you really believe you're not good enough for someone, no matter who he is? What makes you feel that way, if you do?
Because the reality is that no one is ever good enough or not good enough for anyone; we are all equal, it's only our cultural programming that becomes our own programming that leads us to make these types of judgments on ourselves and others. But once you let go of any particular type, and just look for the qualities that you're looking for and how someone treats you, it becomes so much simpler. The question then, when you find someone you're interested in who is also interested in you, is the simple, Are we compatible? Are we on the same page? Do we want the same thing? Let me know if that addresses what you were saying, Annie; I love this questioning you do and am honored to be a part of it. 🙂
Can you say something about experiences where a man you really like and has potential chooses someone else over you? These are the most painful cases of rejection. The ones where you like who you are and how you feel when you're with him. The ones where he tells you how beautiful you are, likes what you stand for, and acts like youre the only one, he feels lucky to have found you. You are very choosy, but this one seems like real quality. Then you find out there's someone else and he chooses them. 3 times this has happened to me. There was someone else there first he was not really over. You make your self crazy trying to figure out who she is, what she gives him you didn't etc. And after a few of these it makes you skeptical when a man acts like he's really into you. And it makes you doubt your ability to spot BS.
Meg, i agree, this is extremely painful and confusing... it is hard to accept that it's not rejection - when the guy you really like says "you are the one, i am so happy to finally be with you" chases you, does all that a person who is in love should do, but then all of a sudden - he changes his mind without an explanation... and you are left feeling rejected... this is what hurts the most - not understanding why that has happened to you and what you could have done differently. I was compatible with the person who rejected me... we both could see it, yet i still end up being left behind wondering why that happened...
Remember that you only ever really know your side of the story, Lorlei, because even he may not know what is going on with him, much less be open to communicating this with you. The key here is to hold onto your heart and slow things down - yes, this is for you to do as he needs you to slow things down for him - so that you can slowly get to know him and find out what he's made of and what he is really looking for - and if it matches what you're really looking for. I know this is the last thing we want to do when we're so excited so finally meet someone like him, who says and does all the right things and seems so sincere. But just like we can change our minds about someone as we get to know them better, so can they. So do yourself and your beautiful heart a huge favor and protect it by taking it slow, by continuing to keep your options open while you get to know him better, by not committing to him any more than he's committing to you and by not giving your beautiful self away on any level before enough time has passed for you to really find out if he's worthy of you!
You didn't get left behind, Lorelie, when you look back on this when you're with someone who is truly right for you, you will see what you can't see now and you will know that this ending, no matter how painful, actually put you ahead in the end! It never feels that way when we're in it, I know, but know this for sure, no matter how wonderful or happy he may seem with someone else, you never ever know the whole story unless you're in it, it never is what we make it out to be in our own minds. And know, that it is so true, that you could never be truly happy with someone who isn't there on the same page as you, no matter how compatible you seemed. If it was meant to be, if he was there, you will always, always still be together! It's just our own love stories playing out in our heads that get in the way of seeing the reality of what is!
I so hear what you're saying, Meg. When you're in it, when you're feeling so raw from experiencing this with someone who you felt you were so compatible with, who told you everything that seemed so real, so true, so the real thing. And then this; someone else, and it all comes crashing down around you. Your hopes, your dreams, your plans, your life. And then it happens again. And again. Of course you make yourself crazy trying to figure out the why and how and then the second-guessing of your beautiful self on what you could have done differently. What, really? What could you have done? How could you have made it better? You did the best you could with what you knew.
Here's what I have to say about these experiences, Meg. With all of these. You only had your perspective! You didn't know what was really going on with him! You didn't know what he was thinking, what he really felt, or how he really saw things. As much as you want to believe he meant everything only for you, the fact is some guys do this very, very well. And even if he wasn't one of them, there's still so many possibilities of what was going on with him. We could analyze and over-analyze and go over every single detail from start to end, but the reality is that there's no way of knowing for sure what was going on with him because even he may not know himself. What you can be sure about is that none of these guys were the ones for you or else you would have still been together.
My guess is that you're going to say your situation was different, that these guys you've experienced this heartbreak with were the real thing. And while they may have seemed different to you, the reality is that there's always two perspectives, yours and his. And you only know yours. Don't beat yourself up for any of this; this was never about you no matter how much it seems it was. You have your answer - as hard as it can be to accept - that none of these were the one for you. I can't say enough about how much better it is to find this out now before you went any farther along with them, no matter how much I know it hurts right now.
Of course it's hard to trust your ability to recognize the real thing the more you go through these experiences. But it doesn't mean you can't protect your heart and soul by slowing things down enough to really get to know someone before giving yourself away in any shape or form. Make sure you're the one doing the choosing to begin with, Meg, don't just let him choose you. That's a huge red flag we miss so often when someone comes on strong from the start. You slow things down to your pace; don't let him speed them up. You be hard to get - because you have a full life you've created for yourself that you're not just going to give up for any guy! You want someone who takes his time getting to know you and doesn't rush into anything - especially sexually - and respects you taking your time getting to know him, too! You want someone who has allowed enough time to get over his past relationships before jumping into something new. You want someone who's actions say so much more than his words alone. A guy who knows what he wants - a real relationship - doesn't feel the need to move things so fast.
You can't change what happened, my beautiful friend, and I know how devastating it is to go through what you've gone through, but you can do the one thing that makes such a difference going forward; you can make sure you're only committing to him as much as he's committing to you. You can keep living your own life until he's ready to make you a big enough part of his that there's no mistaking you're the only one. You can keep dating other guys so that you keep everything in balance - especially when you feel like he's the only one for you!
Someone who's really looking for a real relationship won't be turned off or turned away when you're showing him that you have a life and you aren't going to stop keeping your options open until you know that he's worth being exclusive with. This is how you separate the ones you want from the ones you don't. Choosing someone else doesn't mean you've been rejected. It only means he was more compatible with someone else. And if he led you along, ask yourself if you really want someone who would do that to you, or it's the story that you're having the hardest time letting go of. This is how you avoid the ones who aren't right for you, and find the one who finally is. You do have control over this!
Meg i felt rejected too and confused. Because hè chose
Another women. The second Guy Told me i was not good enough for Him.
To me that felt "i am not good enough"!
Instead of "not on the same page" Or "next man please".I started to doubt myself and like
You asked myself ; What is wrong with me? Do i need to change ? I
Started to feel down. I started to doubt!
Now this took like 7. Days, i realy felt bad.
After that and reading Janes blog, i thought wow
I realy picked jerks for dates and was going too fast! And if i was going to date,
I had to think and act different. This is jet a proces, took me months to
Think "not on the Same page" and to not feel rejected!
I think sometimes it is better to take time off dating, and build
The selfconfidence again . Because when you have enough confidence, you stand
Stronger.
Thank you for sharing your story and your process here, Maris; you've added so much to this conversation although I know you can speak like this only from having gone through this painful experience yourself. Much love to you, my beautiful friend; see your strength, and be so proud of yourself for how far you've come and how much you are connecting the dots and making these discoveries your own! It is so beautiful and inspiring to hear you say these things in your own words.
true true true. It just happened to me. Jane, the guy i told u about...got back from his trip yesterday and today he texted me back to business. Talking about the air conditioner...no apology, didnt say anything about his trip...nothing. So...back to business it is. Im not going to stressed out about it. Maybe he isnt ready or maybe he s just a j..... 😉 Either way...not for me! Thanks for making me realize this and not get all sad about it!!
Exactly, Mari! Whatever his reason, whatever it is, regardless of what it feels like to you - it's about him!
My goodness this article came along at just the perfect time!!! Thanks for throwing out the life preserver just as I felt I was sinking into the more of yet another "rejection"! Now I see it and all the others for exactly what it is. Thank you SO much!
So glad this resonated with you, Rebecca - and at just the right time. 🙂