I received the most inspiring email the other day from one of our beautiful readers who initially wrote to me just over a year ago, heartbroken over yet another guy. At the time she was wondering, like so many of us have, what to do about a guy who just isn't ready for that commitment, someone who was giving her mixed signals and suddenly turned cold and distant.
It took a while, but she finally let go and was eventually able to leave that all behind.
Now, about a year later, she was writing to tell me that this time around she decided to try something different. She gave someone a chance who she normally wouldn't have, someone she previously didn't consider her type, to see what might happen with a different kind of guy. Essentially she changed her thinking about what to look for in a guy.
I'm happy to tell you that she’s fallen in love and now they’re getting married.
Since her initial story was so familiar, one I've heard countless times (and experienced myself) I realized that it could have been any one of us. It really got me thinking about how important it is to simply choose the right kind of guy, and often that means veering away from the types of guys we are typically drawn towards.
When considering what to look for in a guy, it's not about how tall he is, or the fireworks or butterflies in your stomach. It's not about whether he has that certain look that you really go for.
It's about whether you'll be happy in a relationship with him in the long term, which is what we’re really looking for after all. While I totally agree that physical attraction is important in a relationship, you'll be absolutely amazed at how attractive a guy with these qualities will become if you give him a chance.
What to Look For in a Guy: 10 Essential Qualities
1. He's grounded.
He doesn't need the thrill of the chase, the challenge of the conquest. He’s a down to earth kind of guy who isn't flashy with his money, his adventures, or his lifestyle. He isn't looking for drama and doesn't bring his own drama; he's not into a roller coaster kind of relationship. You’ll know him by the fact that he’ll act just like a regular guy - because that’s exactly what he is.
2. He's real.
What you see is what you get, he doesn't hide behind a facade of insecurities and over achievements. You’ll know him by the fact that he doesn't try to impress you or show you what he’s all about. There’s nothing to reveal except the real him. He's authentic.
3. He's reliable.
He does what he says and says what he does. He means what he says. If he says he’s going to be there, he’s there. If he says he’s going to call, he does. You’ll know him by the fact that everything he says meshes with what he does and the person he’s shows himself to be. He doesn't play games with your heart or your mind. You’ll know him because time and time again, it’s the same; he always honors his word.
4. He's open-minded.
He’s open to hearing your point of view and doesn't try to impose his own views on you. He can accept your differences without trying to change you. While he has his own opinions, he’s open to hearing yours. You’ll know him by the fact that conversations with him are easy because he’s just as open to what you’re saying as what he’s saying.
5. He's flexible.
He's easy - in the ways that matter! From plans that need to be changed, to the real life challenges that life sometimes throws our way, he know how to swim with the current and go with the flow. You’ll know him by how effortless the relationship really is; it’s easy because he’s learned that life is too short to get caught up in ego trips.
6. He's honest.
He's never given you any reason to question what he says, or wonder if he's really telling you the whole story. You know that you can trust him because everything he says syncs up with everything he's said before, and everything you've heard from others. You're never left wondering why some of his story doesn't make sense.
7. He's romantic.
Not the extravagant, flashy, superficial kind, but the little gestures, the small surprises, the kind that says he likes to see you smile. The kind of little things that let you know he actually thinks about you, actually cares about you. Not the over the top kind that screams I’m a romantic guy. You’ll know because it will feel like he’s doing it for you, not for everyone else! Flashy romance is when he sees that you've had a stressful week, and he sends you off to a $300 an hour exclusive spa for a massage. Real romance is when he sees that you've had a stressful week and he wants to stay in for a quiet evening, makes dinner for you and gives you a shoulder rub himself.
8. He's committed.
He knows what he’s looking for and lets you know as you get to know him better that he’s on the same page and looking for the same thing as you – that same committed relationship that you are. You’ll know because he doesn't have to come right out and say it, he tells you by his actions and his behavior.
9. He's nice.
This isn't any bad boy, or player or someone who’s only looking for one thing. This is a genuinely nice guy who isn't afraid of treating you well and being your friend as much as he’s your lover. This is the guy who isn't afraid of being called nice, in fact, he’s comfortable enough in his own skin to be OK with being known as the nice guy - in fact, unlike his player counterpart, he considers it a compliment.
10. He's available.
Emotionally, Mentally, Physically. In every way, this guy is available to you and ready for a relationship to develop between the two of you as you get to know each other better. You’ll know him because he doesn't constantly talk about his past loves, has had enough time to get over his ex, and doesn't keep dropping hints (or worse, comes right out and tells you!) that he’s not ready for a relationship or a commitment.
While the player and the bad boy might provide a lot of excitement and drama (and possibly material for that dating misadventures book you think you should write) what your heart and soul are really longing for is a genuinely nice guy who’s looking for the same kind of committed relationship you are and knows what it means to be in a real relationship with a real person.
He might not set off the fireworks from the first time your eyes meet, but when you take the time to get to know a guy with these qualities instead of the ones you’re used to, you’ll find that he just gets more and more attractive. So the next time you're wondering what to look for in a guy, think back to this list and find yourself a guy that's a keeper. These guys are out there, and there's a lot of them. They're just not necessarily the guys that grab your attention with their outward looks, stylish clothes and outwardly charming personalities.
It takes a little work, but once you dig under the surface a bit you'll find him there.
How about you – what do you think is the most important quality when considering what to look for in a guy? Tell us about it in the comments!
Hi, Jane!
I love the list and reading all of your great insight. I am currently getting over a breakup; 10 months with a man who was unemotional, not affectionate or comfortable with talking about feelings (I never even got an "I miss you" or "I like you"!). I never met his kids, though he met mine after 8 months. And HE broke up with me, saying that his divorce (4 years ago) left him feeling like he didn't want to love anyone again and wouldn't put himself in that position again. I was/still am heartbroken. I saw the red flags for months but thought I would be the one that would "change" him, that I would be enough and he would open up and commit. After reading your articles it is clear that he wasn't the one for me and he isn't capable of giving me the love I deserve. He is honest, grounded, reliable, kind, real, easy-going, he just couldn't or wouldn't let me in. The hardest part is believing that it's not rejection or anything I did wrong.
I just want to thank you so much for being so wise and helping me realize that I should have the relationship I deserve, and not settle for the one that I am in. I'm turning a corner and healing; thank you for that!
So glad you're seeing him and the relationship that you had with him in the true light of what it was, Beverly. Nothing personal. Two people on different pages. Someone who wasn't the one for you because he wasn't able to be no - matter how much he potential he had. Let that free you! That's what's true, not any of the other "tragic" stories we tell ourselves that make it all so personal. Thank you for your kind words; you inspire me!
HI Jane. Well, I went out today to a health fair. It was nice. A man engaged me in conversation, which was nice. He was there with a friend. We spoke for quite awhile. Then another woman came over and spoke with him, which was fine. We all spoke together. By listening, which I always do, he mentioned to her how he's heartbroken over a relationship. I listened. Well, scratch that one. His heart is still with the other woman. I'm listening. His friend came over and spoke withe me. There was lots of interest there (after the interview I call it - can't stand it). I moved away from him for awhile, but then he followed. He expressed how I looked, you take care of yourself, you have not makeup on and look great, etc. I listened. Then he told me more about his family, his beliefs, the DRINKING PROBLEM HE HAD?, then his dreams (I mean dreams as in sleeping), then a off raw type of thing. I excused myself, went back inside by the health fair. Thought it over - he or his friend did not ask for my number, but I did not put an interest out there either. They were NOT on the same page. I'm getting better and better at this. Met another man on the elevator, chatted briefly and he gave me his card, but not a good vibe. No same page. I walked out of the health fair, with no intent of meeting anyone - but I got valuable information. They were nice men, but not for me. NO ON THE SAME PAGE. Dating/meeting someone not an easy task, but at least my ears and eyes are wide open. Ive always been a listener - BUT AN EVEN BETTER LISTENER NOW. I'm not desperate, sometimes a little lonely - not always - not enough to just be with someone. So, that's my store. The PAGE..THE PAGE..THE SAME PAGE! HA! Thank you Jane.
Love what you're seeing here so clearly, Denise. Listening, observing, watching - and then deciding for yourself whether this might be someone you want to get to know further or not. Because you get that you're the one doing the choosing! No rejection, no taking any of this personally because that's not what any of this is ever about. Same page - exactly! Love these updates from you. 🙂
Hello Jane
I love reading your articles, they are awesome. I remember sometime in 2012 when I was going through one of my most difficult relationships dating a man who wont commit, your article and your advice got me out. i am sorry for the lengthy write up. I walked out of my recent relationship 8 months ago and decided to take my time before dating again. I have met a lot of men, but they were all complicated, I saw insecurity issues, drama issues, confused issues, emotionally unavailable issues, so I never bothered to proceed to relationship
In November, I met this guy, He added me up online, chatted me up and since then has never gone a say without contacting me. There is something stable, solid about him so I allowed myself to get to know him. We have hanged out a couple of times and he is always the one who initiates us meeting. Three weeks after I met him, I asked if he is in a relationship, he said he is having issues with his gf, and they had a quarrel two weeks ago, no one has contacted each other since then. According to him, she accused him of texting and calling her male friend to threaten him, which he said he never did, he doesnt even know the guy..he asked her for the content of the message, she said he had no right to know, and kept hanging up on him, then told him not to call her again. so he decided he wont, cause he is just accused wrongly and she is being rude about it. she never called either, thats how they have been for a month. We got close, we talk about anything, he doesnt bring up his issues with his gf often and he doesnt try to evade or dodge it either if it bring it up. i Ask him questions alot to be sure he is not another confused complicated guy but he seem to be someone who has his emotions together, who is not scared of love or getting into a committed relationship, he gives me the feeling i can ask him anythint.. after a month plus of what ever we were, we kissed and made out. We didn’t have sex, I refused and he didn’t push it. The next day while we were chatting about me not wanting sex, he said hope I know he is not in a hurry that the fun is kissing, cuddling and talking. So I asked him what does he want from me, a real relationship or a fling. He said he want us to be very close friends and hope for the best, that way we will go far. I wasn’t satisfied and I told him so. i asked him if he wants to keep me while he wait for his gf to come back, he said no, he just need to get through her and clear her out of his heart, he is not waiting for her to come back. I told him that means he is still attached to her and still loves her. He said he’s honestly not attached to her and is not in love with her anymore, if he was, he wont have gone a month without contacting her or allowed the issue they had to get serious. He said I should remember he came looking for me even before they quarreled, cause he has a reason for wanting someone else. He went further to say I should put myself in his position, I will need sometime to be sure of what I am doing, I should be patient with him and trust that he can handle this, i should stick with him and forget he has a gf somewhere. I told him I cant forget he has a gf somewhere
So he asked me what do I want? I told him I want a real relationship with no gf somewhere cause I don’t want to be dating a guy and feel like m his side chic or past time. He said ok, when he makes up his mind I will be the first to know. I was supposed to go out with him the next day for a friend’s party and thereafter go with them for their high school reunion party, I canceled, told him I cant be hanging out with him when m not sure if m just a side chic, so he went alone. The next day, that was yesterday, he chat me up, said he is feeling like m avoiding him.
Told him I just want to give him space to clear his head. He said I shouldn’t give him space if i do, then am making it worse for him, I should stand by him, while he makes up his mind. Honestly being single for 8 months has helped me to see things clearly when a guy approaches and this guy so far meets nos 1-9 on your list of qualities to look for.
He is grounded, he hates drama, he is doing well for himself but a down to earth, humble guy. He is as real as any guy could be, he doesn’t try to impress me with big talks. He is reliable, when he says he will call, he calls, he will text, he does, he will make it for a date to my office party, he did, he is going to talk to me about his relationship and issues, he did. He is flexible, when we had an issue on something he did I didn’t like, and I talked to him, he didn’t try to be right or sulk or act dramatic, he was happy for the correction, promised it will never come up and it never did. For someone who has trust issues, I think this guy is 99 on my honest radar right now, when I ask him about something, he doesn’t just say yes or no, he goes ahead to give details, names or dates. He told me he is not romantic, but I came to see that’s because he is not flashy romantic, cause he really is a real romantic. He is committed to me, I know for sure there are no games here or other girls. He programs his free periods for planning dates with me, it shows through his actions and behaviours. He is a nice guy and it shows. however on nos 10 on your list, I don’t know if he is available to me emotionally or mentally. I don’t know how to handle this situation, i am still meeting other people and going out on dates with them, i dont intend to stop until i am in a real committed relationship. he just seem to be the one i am closest to. i dont know how long it will take for me to settle into a real relationship or how long it will take for him to make up his mind. Should I just walk away and leave him to handle this or should I stick around and wait things out? Kindly advise me on this. Thank you
Love hearing from my long time readers, Ivy. I'm so glad so much of what I've said here on the blog has resonated with you! It's such a personal decision when considering when to stay and wait things out or just walk away. More than anything else, you have to do what you can live with. So when I hear someone considering their options either way, I always say to go with what leaves you with more of a sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets.
What I've learned more than anything else, is that doing something that works for someone else won't work for you unless it works for you, too. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry if it doesn't feel so cut and dry for you. Choose up to the degree to which you have clarity about your decision. So if you aren't clear, and listening to your own inner gut instinct isn't getting you any clearer, than don't do anything right now except more of what you're doing. Focusing on you. Dating. Meeting other people. Creating your own life for yourself on your own terms - and living it. When you focus on you, when you do all those things that make you feel good about yourself and your own life, you'll find that everything else begins to fall into place. It will become more clear - he will become more clear to you in your eyes - because you'll see you for more of who you are and what you deserve, and what you don't. And from there, what you will accept, what you won't, and how you want to be treated become everything. Hope this helps, Ivy. I'm always here for you!
"I always say to go with what leaves you with more of a sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets"
Thanks Jane for your nice and inspiring advice as always. Am questioning all of these cause of my history with attracting complicated and indecisive men..not because he has given me any reason to. He gives me this feeling of stability..honesty..a guy who wants a one on one commited relationship with no complications. Things have been cool with him since our conversation about what he wants. Its like for some reason bringing up the topic made him to realise how much he likes me. He kept more in touch and wanted to spend more time together. On new year day he invited me to share in his guy time with his friends, which was great. So yesterday he told me he has this natural likeness for me which he cant explain..that i am more than a gf to him and he want us to be official. I asked him about the other girl and he said he has seriously forgotten about her that he let her go with last year. He is ready to move on now.He asked what i want from my man in a relationship, i told him, he shared his too. We talked about trusting each other, being honest, committed and exclusive. We were on same page on it. He talks excitedly about how his friends will be happy to hear we are officially dating and how he is going to introduce me to his family. So here i am starting the new year with a new relationship. It feels peaceful and calm right now but Do you think there is any red alarm here or i should relax and hope for the best? Thank you
Take it slow, Ivy, and if there's to be a red flag, you'll have enough time to decide what you want to do with it if you keep the focus on you and are the one keeping the pace slow enough for you to be able to keep your perspective and focus on "what is" rather than what you're hoping for. Feeling calm and peaceful is your gauge to know where you are, and where you want to be, regardless of where he is or what he's doing. You're the one doing the choosing.
Wow. You just gave me a whole new perspective here . I hope this will be beautiful but i cant allow myself to get carried away. I will have to focus on what is at the moment and keep the pace slow. Thank you so much. While i figure this out, am sure to keep reading your articles on relationship. Please keep writing, you are doing so much with your articles and reply to people's comments. Anyhow this turns out, i will keep you posted. Thanks
Thank you, Ivy; looking forward to it. I'm so glad you've found this here! 🙂
Jane, I reread this article today, and I still think it has a lot of great information on how to find the right partner. I keep running into issues with people that I find myself involved with, and I don't exactly understand why. The past two people I got involved with basically want to give very little effort up front - concentrate on the sexual side of the relationship - and then make me feel like I'm pushing them away. They aren't the most thoughtful or kindest, and I get extremely upset when I feel like they are saying mean things to me. I get into the same pattern over and over. It's hard to be specific but it seems like I am asking for too much to find someone who is nice and thoughtful to me. I don't know if it's me or them or what. I always get a sense that I am a second class person in the situation. They all tell me they haven't fought with someone as much as they do with me. I get upset and then try to end the involvement. My current person I am involved with falls under the emotional unavailability category. It is a girl, and she has told me she's not ready for a commitment, she says because she is still trying to get to know me. However, she wants to be sexual with me and gets upset if I think it's a problem that I am not wanting to be sexual without a commitment. Anyhow, we have been involved for about 2 months now. We get a long but then fight a lot too. She recently got out of a relationship and constantly is bringing up her ex or even exs. It is really frustrating because it's like she expects me to talk about her exs with her. She's usually talking very negatively about her ex, but I don't want to hear about it at all. I wrote her what the first paragraph says under emotional unavailability and was extremely upset- saying I'm telling her she's not doing things right and putting her down, etc, and that basically I'm telling her reasons to leave her. I'm really confused and frustrated about the whole thing. In my mind, the person is supposed to be kind, considerate- taking you on dates and really putting their best foot forward. She's guarded and putting minimal effort- she says until she gets to know me better. I keep trying to end it with her because I want something healthy, and she says the more I try to end it the less she wants to try. I have noticed a lot of changes and improvements in our situation, she has become more emotionally available- but it has felt like an uphill battle at times. Should I keep trying? Or is this all red flags. >Confused<
It's that pattern of "push and pull" that is always a red flag to me, Kylie. Trust your gut instincts here, if you listen closely to your own heart and soul, you'll always know what is the most loving thing you need to do for you!
I have read a website on this article about which guys are more likely to cheat and it listed: blondes, rock and roll lovers, tall guys. and people have said the article must have been whack and i was really believing maybe the list was right. Also, I always pray that there'd be a good person. I have a life ahead of me and praying the best for my future.
I was just thinking that I needed to make a list of qualities to look for in a man, and this is exactly what I was thinking! You laid it out perfectly. The only thing for me is that physical attraction and chemistry is important to me and it is something I am not willing to give up. A life partner is also supposed to make you melt and give you that feeling of wanting sexiness. It separates a good friend from a husband and lover. But these qualities will help me separate a husband from a player..
A really good player would have all those traits listed above. Watch and listen to how he interacts with strangers, his friends, his family. Develop and use your intuition. Also, give it time.
You would develop intuition in this area by meeting many men and having deep two-way conversations. Also, being self-reflective is important.
yes....staying centered in ourselves and listening to our inner voice is very important. We always know...we just don't always WANT to know!
oh so true, Deborah! 🙂
Thanks for adding your perspective here, Vince.
Great points, Vince; thank you.
I'm glad this resonated with you, Kylie. The only thing I would add is to think about the words you used here when you say "supposed to make you melt" and "give you that feeling of wanting sexiness". There's a huge difference between what our culture, and the media, and the many fairytales we've read about have got us buying into that doesn't exist except in the movies and in other sources of the media, and what the real thing actually looks like. Check out the post I wrote about "the spark" that generated a number of great conversations about this exact topic. Too often, we can overlook something that's real in our search to find a fantasy that only exists in Hollywood. There is a difference between a good friend, and a husband and lover, but it might not be what we've been programmed to believe it is. 🙂
Okay I just read it. Yes I definitely agree with this article about the Spark. It is so true. Myself I am attracted to "confident people" aka people who are emotionally distant, who minimize and even invalidate my needs, feelings, and wants, and who ultimately want the relationship completely on their terms. My parents were the same way. Makes me sad that I keep being surrounded by such selfishness. But, I do still want to be attracted to my partner. I've been in relationships were I didn't go base on physical attraction and those haven't worked out for me either. Now, I am waiting for the "right fit" for me, instead of partnering with people because there was a friendship or attraction based on early childhood experiences.
Exactly, Kylie! It's knowing for yourself the difference between being attracted to someone and making it all about the "spark" that only exists in make-believe that's exactly the point.
Great article, Jane. I hope I'm not too out of place as a guy commenting on stuff here! A lady friend of mine had posted a link to one of your previous posts and I find it interesting what you've written.
I don't claim to be the "perfect" guy by a long shot but I'm certainly not the proverbial "bad boy" that's been described here. It kills me to watch women go for the "bad boy" even when they've been hurt by the "bad boy" before. Why do you want more of the same? I'm not judging; it's just a thought. I have a friend who divorced the "bad boy" about 1 1/2 years ago and even after the divorce he still held sway on her. She'll talk about looking for her "dream guy" and you hear "dream guy this" or "dream guy that" on her Facebook page. Any attempts I've made at trying to let her know I'd be interested in more than friendship usually summarily get ignored. I give up....lol!!!
how do you know if a guy is going to be "bad boy"? initially every guy is great.
how to see red flags from the initial stage?
It's hard. That's why it's so imperative to get to know someone very well before making a commitment. I know, not always easy!
You take your time, Sonal. You don't put all your eggs in one basket; you date more than one guy to keep things in balance and to keep things casual until you know what someone is really like. You slow things down to protect your own beautiful heart. You remember that you're doing the choosing and you make that your mindset. And eventually, as you take your time like this, you find out more, and you find out enough to know what he's really like beyond the initial "honeymoon" phase, and you pay close attention to how he behaves. His actions always say so much more than his words.
Not at all, Ron; there's a few of you on here and your perspectives are always welcome! I so hear what you're saying. In our own time, we come to see the light. We start to question why, we start to notice that there's something to question. But until we do, we don't see it. We're so motivated by our own deep issues that keep us doing the same things - and trying to convince ourselves it's going to be different this time - over and over again. There isn't anything anyone can say or do to convince so many of us otherwise. All you can do - and all I can do - is plant the seeds; the rest is always up to each and every one of us to come to on our own.
I find it so great that a man is willing to participate and give his perspective on the subject on a page like this. Many of us girls also have the same question: why do many go after the bad boy? I have found a number of very plausible explanations: the first one is that many, many, a great deal of women had to some extent an absent father. A father that was always working or had something more important to do than spend quality time with their daughters. A father who unwittingly criticized his daughter, let her know she had to be this or that. It is really hard sometimes to actually see this. I have an amazing father and I love him to death, yet he was absent because of work and he did a lot of shaming and criticizing of me to get me to behave or be what he thought a woman should be. I found out just recently about that, and trust me, I was convinced my father was a superhero who was just perfect. It was really hard to see. These father figures, from the good one like mine to the drunk, horrible one, have a very damaging effect on their daughters. We all, men and women, look for someone who takes us back home on a subconscious level; that explains why many women, even when we hate being mistreated, end up with men who remind us of the negative sides of our own fathers. It is definitely not obvious, there's major digging to do to see it.
Another answer is societal programming: tv, songs, movies, ads, they all point in the same directions: men are supposed to be like this, women are supposed to be like that, and even if we know it's all just "harmless" and we get it's just "a movie", we end up buying it subconsciously. Our subconscious minds are like the minds of a 9 year old. That's why we have to be extra careful with what we are exposed to and what we feed our brains. It plays against us. Like Carl Jung said: until you make the subconscious conscious, it will control your life and you will call it fate.
Try to get out of the mold, the system and start finding out for yourself. You'll be amazed of the revelations and epiphanies you get.
It is happening to me, I can tell you that.
I reviewed this list 3 times today... And I think I finally found my true love! Thank you, Jane, for this grounded + real guide of what true love looks like.
So thrilled for you, Monica! I'm so glad this list was helpful. 🙂
This sounds like a one way relationship. HE is doing all the doing. What are YOU doing to participate. Are you attentive? Do you remember his birthday? Do you know anything about him? A relationship is give and take. If you are doing all the taking, you wouldn't feel anything for him because you are not emotionally involved.
So what do you do when the guy you’re with is perfect in every way – he’s attentive, remembers your birthday, he treats you with respect and kindness, he call you at the 1st 6 month. after that he still the same, but you can't feel him anymore. Even he is beside you, you can't feel him, he is not attach to you. Why?
I'm wondering why you say you can't feel him anymore and he isn't attached to you, Iris. Are you questioning him or the relationship? Ask yourself if you're both on the same page and want the same thing. If you don't, then no matter how perfect he may be, if you're both not looking for the same thing from each other, then you're missing the most important part - being perfect for each other. It may also be that you're used to a different type of guy - someone that you believe is your type, so if he's different from what you've telling yourself is your type, then you may be subconsciously buying into the believe that it has to be different or there's something missing when it's just a matter of readjusting yourself to a different person who actually is your type in a very real way. Sometimes being with someone who treats us well can throw us off, Iris, especially if you've been used to settling for less than you deserve. Give yourself some time to mull these thoughts over, and you should have a clearer picture of what you're feeling and what's really going on for you.
Excellent list of qualities to find true love... Thank you, Jane... You are awesome!
I´m working on myself accepting the looks of a guy who is not really my previous type- which did not work-, but basically has all the qualities here...
Mmm... There is something I really don´t like about his looks that he could change... If he wanted to...
So... I haven´t made my decision yet... Any thoughts?
I'm glad you enjoyed this, Monica. 🙂 It really comes down to you deciding if you can live with him the way he is now. When you're with someone in a long-term relationship and you've really gotten to know each other well, then you can always talk to him about this and see how he feels about changing this. But for now, the question really comes down to how much these other great qualities he has balance out this other area. We all have our deal breakers. The question is, do these other qualities make up for the other? And only you can answer that. My advice is to wait to make a final decision until you're sure. Imagine the two of you together years down the road when you know each other so well that you can say anything to each other and all these qualities matter more than anything else. Does this fade into the background, or is it still something that matters to you? It's such an individual decision! But trust yourself, know that you know what you need. You can change almost anything physical, but it's these qualities that are so much harder to change if they're not there in the first place. Thinking of you 🙂
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer, Jane... You are so precious... And I love your blog posts!
About what I wrote, I made up my mind already... I deserve to be with a man with all these qualities, who is also attractive to me! But your analysis is excellent... Thank you!
You're so welcome, Monica 🙂
I went onto a dating site and initiated contact with a man I find I can connect with on so many levels...it's really uncanny how much we have in common. At first we emailed each other every day and then txt and then we had coffee. A couple of days later I emailed him to let him know I had enjoyed meeting him and he responded that he'd enjoyed it too. He then asked me via email if I was interested in physical intimacy. I told him I was attracted to him but wanted to take things slowly and get to know him better. He said he understood. We met again for a drink and talked. It was amazing how much we had in common', the body language was good and there were no awkward silences during our conversation. He seemed genuinely interested in me and I was genuinely interested in him. However, after an hour, he had to leave because of parking and he had some stuff to do for work the next day. He walked me to where I'd parked my car and all seemed great but he never mentioned phoning me and he hasn't emailed me yet, so I guess I'm unsure about where I stand with him. I'm wondering why he hasn't made any contact yet? It's been 2 days now and being new to the whole dating scene, after the break down of my marriage, I have no idea what to expect. How long do I wait for him to contact me before I just chalk it up to 'experience'? Also, during the three weeks we have been in contact he has never phoned me and I'd much prefer a phone call to a email or text. Should I tell him this if I do hear back from him?
From what you've described here, Lil, it sounds like he enjoys communicating via email or text more than over the phone and is more interested in physical intimacy than getting to know each other slowly over time before getting physically involved. Clearly he wouldn't be asking you about that so soon - and over email, no less! - if it wasn't a priority to him. I suspect that's why you haven't heard from him, but depending on what's going on for him, he may still contact you at some point. If you've been the one initiating most of the contact with him - with him doing more of the responding than initiating himself - he may be expecting you to initiate again, so that is also something to consider.
It can be so confusing when everything seems to have gone so well and you've really connected, and yet there's always two perspectives - yours and his - to every situation. If you do hear back from him, you can certainly let him know your preferences and see if that changes anything; but as always, this is all about getting to someone better and you're finding out by his actions what he's like, what page he's on and whether or not the two of you are truly compatible. Time will tell either way, Lil, but in the meantime remember that this is about you and what you're looking for, and if someone doesn't call or doesn't seem interested in you, it's always because they're not the one for you, and someone else is!
What's really strange is the strong hold the "bad guy" seems to have. I want to get out but find it so difficult . I keep going back... Ridiculous but true. I feel so cornered.
Not ridiculous at all, Tara; I understand completely. It's because so much of this is subconscious and comes from a place that we feel we have so little control over that we get so hooked. But in reality, it is the exact opposite! We have so much control over this hold the "bad boy" can have over us once we see it for what it is and make the conscious choice to refuse to allow him to have so much power. It's a journey to get there, and usually not without our share of one step forward two steps back, but eventually, when we get there, we see that it can never work out because the reality of your incompatibility becomes blatantly obvious. It makes perfect sense then, that you feel so cornered.
All women need a strong leader. Leaders are going somewhere and they demonstrate they have a passion and a goal to get there. That is why even at a young age, girls will say, "...he has goals...he knows where he is going.." They also have found a way to be confident they can get there.
[Mr. Bad Boy]
Women are quickly led and drawn to fake men that give a false appearance of leadership.. They learn the hard way. Bad boys demonstrate a form of leadership but it is not a healthy kind. It's shallow, temporal, and lasts short and quick. Women make a mistake by not knowing and/or looking for the difference between good and bad leadership. Wising up and knowing how to distinguish if it's a healthy long term leadership will save you here.. If you can slow down, watch and observe behavior and what happens you'll see the bad boys gets caught, exposed and hurts another girl much like you. It might take a long time...but your emotions have to be put in control or you'll fear, "I just have to be with him or another girl will get him...Wait til he see's what I have to offer." This is another mistake. Believing that you're different than all the other girls. Not caring about his sexual history and thinking it only matters if he loved them or not is another mistake. Instead you have fun and find yourself with him more intimately than you want to but hey "He loves me and the other girls were just flings. He didn't really love them." Wrong. Things don't work out and you see many other red flags and the fake leadership is no longer worth all the other problems like his attitude toward women...fast paced life...being irresponsible. You can't handle it anymore so you get out. You most likely will repeat this again with another Mr. Bad Boy. In either case, you realized how emotionally drained you are with the Mr. Bad Boy. You also had sex with him and now you feel like the other girls they had. You also notice that the Mr. Bad Boy demonstrates a fear of COMMITMENT...but you think you can get them to.
[Mr. Nice]
You hear about your friends finding a Mr. Nice and being happy. Maybe you'll try that. After all, your mom has been telling you to do this. This article suggested you do as well so you'll give it a try even though Mr. Nice Guy never draws your attention. You meet one and he lives life slower...not as flashy...never been in trouble with the law...very few relationships if any. He's enthralled with you that you of all people would ask him out. He doesn't care that he's seen you with Mr. Bad Boy. Your with him now and that's what matters. The relationship does NOT last long with Mr. Nice Guy. You find him BORING. He doesn't take initiative or lead anything. He's so nice that people walk all over him. Now you're remembering how fun things were with Mr. Bad Boy. Now you're really confused BUT THE BAD-BOY HAD SOMETHING YOU NEED...and you still need it.
At this point I've written quite a bit. If you reply and want more I'll respond. You should be identifying so far with the previous types to some level...but the need for leadership is still a need!
Interesting perspective you offer here, Damien; I'm sure your description of these two scenarios resonated with many of us. Eventually though, there is a different relationship that takes place when the nice guy becomes so much more than a nice guy. He becomes "The Guy" because "Mr. Bad Guy" - who is really a wounded insecure little boy deep down inside - cannot sustain the kind of relationship the woman - who is becoming aware of her own blind spots and triggers that draws her to him - now requires of him. It is then, because of all these women who have realized their own power, their own beauty, and their own right to draw their own line in the sand and say, "Enough!", that the bar is raised and there will no longer be enough women who will settle for these types of behaviors for him to continue to behave like he does. It's only the way we support and enable a man who behaves this way that we allow it to continue.
Jane, I absolutely agree. Over the past 7 years I've been working so hard on myself and overcoming childhood trauma that was defining my adult life and holding me back. I've gone through therapy, lots of self help, learning to be kind to myself, opening up and expressing my emotions. It's been hard, but it's working. 1.5 years ago, I found myself dating my wonderful boyfriend, who many would see as "Mr. Nice Guy" - he's nice looking but not ruggedly handsome, no flashy car or clothes, probably couldn't pick up many girls in a bar, and may seem passive to many women. In fact, friends were a bit shocked when I started dating him as he had been a longterm friend stuck in the "friend zone." But he isn't "Mr. Nice Guy" to me. He is kind, caring, loving, deep, funny and stable and we get along beautifully. And I know being very attracted to that type of person is a strong reflection of how far I have come in healing myself and learning who I am and how I want to be treated. The key is improving yourself, being the person you want to find (to quote one of the self help books I've read!) and the rest will fall into place.
I know I am late to responding to this post, but I stumbled upon your blog today and have been taking it all in today. I think you have a lovely sense of yourself and are giving women advice that is truly helpful. So thank you for that, Jane.
Thank you, Lissa; and welcome! I'm so glad this resonated with you. "And I know being very attracted to that type of person is a strong reflection of how far I have come in healing myself and learning who I am and how I want to be treated. The key is improving yourself, being the person you want to find (to quote one of the self help books I've read!) and the rest will fall into place." - Exactly!!
Damien, Mr. Nice guy does not have to be Mr. Let everyone walk all over me. You are definitely right that people want leaders, but leaders do not have to be "bad boys".
Think of these movie characters/actors: Denzel Washington, Hugh Jackman, Aragorn, heck even Mufasa from the lion king. These are strong, sexy, Confident men (lions). They are not arrogant, they are not Bad Boys. They don't play with womens hearts. They are kind, know what they want, stand their ground and women adore that about them.
I do not want a bad boy. I don't want drama. I also don't want a boring guy. But there is a HUGE middle ground between the two.
I had this very guy and unfortunately he was keeping score of all my faults. He handed them over to me when he decided that he wasn't happy with my life being where it was. The funny thing is, my life was a mirror for his.
The irony is exactly that, Janet; the things that people have the hardest time accepting about themselves are the same things they tend to be critical of in others.
Its funny you should say that Jane. The man who seems to have such a hold on me is opposite to the guys I typically fall for . He's tough and strong and all that... I have been trying to sort out what it is that has me attracted to a man who isn't really there for me. I have suspected it is because I am attracted to the character traits he has that I lack... Sometimes I feel I would be better off with my usual choices with whom I am more evenly yoked like the super nice guy who is waiting patiently for me to wise up!
I hear you, Tara; and it sounds like you're onto something big here. That is exactly the realization that I personally finally came to; that the personality traits possessed by the the men I was most attracted to - and thought were my type - were actually those traits that I so desired but hadn't developed in myself, that I didn't think I could develop on my own without them. It wasn't until I recognized this and was able to make these traits my own, that I saw that my type had never been my type - everything else about them was incompatible with me, but those specific qualities kept me hooked because I wanted so much to be those things!
Once you can identify specifically what these are in your case, you'll be able to see him in the light of who he really is and make your own conscious decision on whether or not you truly need someone like him in your life. And then you may be ready for the "super nice guy who is patiently waiting for me to wise up!" 🙂
Skills for choosing a mate are not taught anywhere. If people had skills and knowledge about life, there would be less failed relationships. The mate described above sounds like a "dream". The sad part is they do exist somewhere, but where? And even worse, some of the good guys end up with a mate who make them miserable. Life is too short to live miserable. Technology alienates and isolates rather than helps interaction. You can't know who you are talking with. We are so busy there is little time for congregating. So where are you supposed to meet a perspective mate? And especially like the one described above?
I so hear what you're saying, Carolyn. I know that meeting people can be very difficult, particularly given that we all lead such busy lives. Since it's estimated that nearly 40% of marriages start from meeting people at work or school, if your work, where most of us spend the bulk of our time, has a limited pool of potential partners, and you're not going to school, it can be challenging to meet new people.
That said, almost 30% of marriages come from introductions through friends and family, which is your next best option. Just like networking is one of the best ways to find a new job, it's also one of the best ways to find romance. Try to increase the number of people in your social circles by branching out - join some clubs that you're interested in, take that class you've been thinking about or help out with a local cause or charity you believe in. While these may not help you find the guy described in this post directly, you'll make more friends and broaden your network, and one of those contacts may introduce you to someone that clicks. I wrote a post called Why You Should Talk to Strangers that goes into more detail.
Also check out my post on The Absolute Best Place to Meet Mr. Right. If you want to meet a great guy while you're out somewhere, then go to places that you enjoy going to that men are also likely to be. Think co-ed sports leagues like softball, golf, tennis, even ping pong. Basically anything competitive. If you like sports, grab one of your new friends and head out to a ball game.
After work/school and networking, the next most common way to meet your dream guy is, believe it or not, online dating with an estimated 17% of marriages and 20% of all committed relationships in the last year starting with introductions through online dating. I know it can be intimidating, and yes, there are many potential pitfalls involved, but statistically speaking it does work and if you can handle the downsides, then the upsides offer a lot of potential. I personally am finding that the majority of people I've been meeting lately have met through on-line dating.
I'll be writing a post about this soon going into more detail, and I'll also cover it in more depth in my video series, but I hope this at least gives you some ideas to get you started! Don't give up, my beautiful friend; as hard as it can be sometimes to believe he's really out there, he is! Don't let your own doubts and past experiences keep you from believing what so many have come to find as their own reality when it's right, when it's time, when he's ready for you, too.
Thank you.
The more that articles such as these reach enough audiences the more people will think beyond just the looks and the resume of a potential significant other.
Actually, this article confirms that my template to find a 30-something version of a man I knew once in my 20's is the best one for me.
Character is everything. Looks fade. Too bad online dating and other dating businesses don't have functionality that can accurately measure character.This article also reminds me that having a healthy "love picker" is probably the number 1 must have for a person. These top 10 qualities are those which a healthy love picker would be attracted to. However, there has to be an element of attraction but by no means does the person have to look like Hugh Jackman or some physically attractive movie star.
A character metric would be an awesome feature for online dating!
I believe there are personality tests that can indicate these kind of character temperaments.
Hi: thank you for your words! I want to believe! But I can't, I can't believe there is hope or love for me. Through this whole relationship, he kept telling me every thing happens for a reason! My question to this comment is what is the reason behind it? To make me realize that I am not worthy or entitle to love? Wow that is a good reason!! I feel destiny placed him in my path to show me what loves wS all about to laugh in my face and to show me that I don't deserve to be loved! That is what I got out of this! I want to forget and move on and I really don't want to go through this pain again!! I can't take it, it's taking me very long to get over it, and people tell me first love is the hardest! I need to protect myself is the best I can do! And yes people tell u over and over again how some one is waiting for you out there! Yes, keep telling myself that, perhaps I get to believe it some day! 🙁