You hear what I'm saying, you hear what others are saying, but it's so hard to believe this is what it all comes down to. What if he's different? What if I'm the exception? What if it's just a matter of waiting a little longer? What if this is my dream and it can still come true? I understand completely where you're coming from if any of this resonates with you.
It took me many times of going back and forth, many dances of holding on tighter and then letting go one small step back at a time before I was finally able to completely let go and move on from the many relationships I was in that held so many of my hopes and dreams. I, too, always whispered those words to myself whenever someone came along who thought they knew better, even if I had been the one asking for their thoughts.
Unfortunately, when someone is in the thick of it, they are rarely ever open to seeing a relationship for what it is. I have learned time and time again, that unless someone is open to hearing the truth, so much of what we say isn't able to be received. So I have learned to give someone an honest outside perspective if they ask for it, but then, to give them the space to do what they choose to do with that information. We only become co-dependent if we keep after them, trying to get them to change, to see it the way that everyone else clearly sees it.
I've come to realize that we are all on our own unique journeys, and each of us comes to that level of awareness when we finally see things the way they are instead of the way we want them to be, in our own timing. The point is to share our own unique perspective, and then let them discover this in the way that is meant to be for them. Just like we can't make anyone love us, we also can't make anyone else see the truth of what's really going on if they refuse to see it, no matter how much we see themselves only hurting themselves more this way. It is such a personal choice to choose to come into the light of what is instead of being guided by our deep inner longings and deepest hurts that influence our decisions more than any degree of logic.
The "why" of why we we do this to ourselves, why we find ourselves so attracted to someone who is so not good for us in the first place, and then remain in such a relationship even after we've heard the truth, is because these subconscious needs we have at the core of us are stronger than any conscious rational thinking. We are never drawn to these men because they are so attractive, or so intelligent, or so wealthy, or so charming, or seductive, or whatever it is for each one of us; we are drawn to them because they trigger in us something familiar so that we sense a unique opportunity to right a wrong, or make good on something that we didn't get or was done to us in our distant past, usually from our earliest childhoods, so great is the pull towards someone like this.
We are drawn to the opportunity to finally affect the outcome, to prove ourselves worthy and loveable enough to finally have the person this person outwardly represents to love us in the way we know we deserve. And yet what takes so long for us to recognize, is that it is not our issue, it is theirs. That they were never capable of loving us the way we deserved to be loved had nothing to do with our own lovableness or worthiness, but everything to do with their own issues and demons that they never learned to deal with before we were in their lives.
And once we're there, it becomes so hard to leave, we will come up with every excuse to keep us there, to keep the reality of the truth away before we're ready to hear it. Because it means everything to make it work, we are talking about love here, and because it runs so much deeper than this particular man, we feel like we are dying without it. Because as a child, we could actually die without love, but we forget we're no longer children, we no longer have to be victims, we can choose to end all this pain and misery with a simple word. Enough!
But it's only when we are willing to see the reality of what is and not what we want it to be, that we see any of this. And that is why we do this to ourselves and it never feels like a conscious choice until we get to that point where we can say those words and mean it, my beautiful friend, and that is also why we keep repeating these same patterns over and over again until we finally get to this deeper level of awareness where there is nothing left to prove; there never was.
Until then, until we come to that realization and can accept the reality of what is, it is enough to just be open. To know that everything happens for a reason. To trust that this is part of your journey for a purpose. And to believe that when it's time, when you're ready to move beyond the life that you cannot imagine letting go of right now, you will be strong enough to do exactly that. This isn't about measuring up to some standard of what you should be able to do. Nor is it about beating yourself up if you're not there yet and don't know if you ever will be. When you've learned what you need to learn from this, when you're ready to do something different, you'll know. It will become absolutely clear to you that you can do this!
And until that time, if all you do is learn what it means to truly love yourself and forgive yourself for whatever regrets you may have had along the way, that is more than enough.
Good reminder for me today.
Not only in our own time do we see things for what they are when we're holding on to the wrong men, we need to remember that also a better partner will come to us in time.
I've been feeling rather sad about something. This time I did the rejecting. I found myself saying good-bye to a man that on paper was a great match, but sadly, I wasn't feeling I could go all the way to a commitment with him. I felt it wasn't right and I did the most loving thing I could do for myself and for him. Not forcing, not trying to fit him or me into anything, just seeing things for what they were.
Being sad about it, led me here. And I understood this as also relaxing a little and letting life do things for me. Sometimes it's hard not to hold on to specific outcomes, but I know I have to let go for my own sanity. The right partner will also come in time, when it's right.
So glad you found this one when you needed it, Angel. Ironically, we can be more uncomfortable when we let someone go, than when they let us go!
I realize that. This experience allowed me to see how much I project onto others. It was so hard for me to say no to him and let him go because I felt like the bad guy; I felt like the men who rejected me and I thought of how hard that was for me and wondered if he would feel as bad as I felt. God, I hope not. I know I'm not a bad person and I know I didn't string him along. I tried to give us a chance, but I had to remember there should be no trying hard on either side. It's definitely easier to blame someone else rejecting me than doing the rejection. I can see how hard it has been for me to give up people-pleasing and performing. Understanding that what people do and think of me is none of my business and to just keep moving forward. I guess in time, in my own time, I'll be strong enough to wait for what I deserve instead of settling even if it's not to disappoint a great man that is not the right one for me.
Thank you for this great piece. I know what it is that is triggering my subconscious need for this person but how do I get rid of this? What's the next step after you have recognised the above? How do you break that connection and fill that need?
Recognizing the why in why you keep attracting the wrong guys is such a huge step, Sam. When you accept that part of you and know why it exists, you can eventually let go of someone who isn't able to give you what you need because it's not about him, it's about you. And from there, with a different focus, you can begin to attract a different kind of guy who is capable of giving you the love you're looking for and build your confidence that you are loveable, you do have worth, you do deserve someone who can love you for you, and you never ever have to settle for anything less than someone who is truly worthy of you!
This brings tears to my eyes. I want to leave. I feel held hostage by whatever it is that holds me to this man. I keep trying to confirm what it is from my past that draws me to him. Maybe I don't need to? Maybe it's e nought that I just feel this is not meeting my needs and with that I should just go.
Exactly, Tara. We can get so caught up in the whys and hows that we forget to listen to what our hearts and our souls are telling us now! There's so many reasons why, but if all we do is dig into our past and forget the present that we can do something about right now, we miss out on so much. It's not about the past or the future. It's about today, where you are right now that matters more than anything else. You know this already, my beautiful friend.
This is why it's so important to date with a good head on one's shoulders. There are a few neuroscience methods out there that are about transforming an unhealthy love map into a healthy one. From Debi Bendt's programs to the book Attached and Lion Goodman's work on changing attachment style to Dawn's Maslar's work on developing a healthy love picker, the most fundamental thing to achieving a healthy love style is self love. One of the most profound methods I have found for that has been Dr. Margaret Paul's Inner Bonding which takes daily practice until a new form of thinking replace the old. It's hard work but worth it and by all mean, date, alot! Just date consciously and be with the intention of a healthy love first for you and then the rest will follow.
So true, Jackie; it's when we can love and truly accept ourselves for who we are that we radiate that kind of love and it comes back to us in so many unexpected ways!
I also agree that our intention and attention is really important. The focus on cultivating healthy self-love is important NOT the focus on why true love is not here or dwelling in it or doing what you need to do to be ready for love with an over focus on getting love. I find that it's a frustrating exercise to do things with an over emphasis on it being a way to find love. That's just another way of focusing on the lack of it.
So true, Jackie; when we focus so much on the search for love, we miss out on the fact that there is already so much love around us!