It's always hard to let go of a dream. The dream of all the potential the relationship showed, the dream of all that could have been. We tend to have such a selective memory when we finally let him go or he lets us go. Either way, it's the same.
We remember all the wonderful times, the great things, that amazing potential he showed. And we start questioning ourselves and why we couldn't just have been this or that. Why we couldn't have been more understanding of him (as if we weren't already all too understanding!)
We wonder why we couldn't be content with less.
And then we start wondering if we're worth it. We forget just how miserable we were far too much of the time. We forget how many of our own needs weren't being met. We forget all the waiting. We forget all the uncertainty. We forget all the times we felt like anything would have been better than what we were living. We start on that slippery slope that has us second-guessing ourselves and leaves us spending all too much of our time and energy fantasizing about how to get him back and how different things would be this time around – if only we can convince him to give us another chance.
Stop right there, my beautiful friend. It's time to see this through your strong adult eyes instead of through the eyes of that little girl who's been trying to get that love she wants so badly. It's time to ask yourself some questions to see what was really there.
- Did he really care about what you wanted?
- Did he want the same thing?
- Did he say he wanted the same thing, but his actions showed otherwise?
- Did you feel anxious when you were with him?
- Did you feel like if you could just be content to go with the flow, it would have been turned out so much better?
- Would he have been perfect if only he could commit?
We can be so understanding, so forgiving, and so willing to put someone else first without thinking about whether they even deserve that kind of response from us in the first place. Is he worth what you've been putting yourself through? Is he worth your beautiful you? We can get so caught up in whether he wants us, whether he loves us, whether he's going to commit to us, that we forget that this is so much more about us than him. It's not about what if, it's not about what could have been, it's not about if only, it's about what is.
And you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than a real relationship based on reality; a reality of two people on the same page who want the same thing and are committed to making that happen regardless of any extenuating circumstances.
Because if you don't have that, what do you really have?
Hi Jane,
I have met a wonderful guy, but the most important thing is that he knows I live my own life and he rsoects the fact I'm not sitting by the phone waiting.We both are busy and we respect each others schedules. I think its hard enough having a relationship with a guy thirty minutes away let alone in Brazil! Perhaps he did love the idea of his beautiful American girlfriend,but the reality was he didn't have the wherewithal to come for your birthday. When you have a fairytale relationship you don't have to worry about the real world problems, like supporting each other if one of you has a problem.Hold on for a real man instead of prince charming.
So well said, Joan; that real man is always worth so much more than any prince charming!
PS I'm thrilled to hear about your new wonderful guy! 🙂
This article comes to me at a time when I got back with my first boyfriend. He was a commitment phobic person who made me lose self worth, and just a while ago I blocked him out of my life forever. I was wondering if what I did was right, if it was my fault, if I should've been better, and then I just read this article. Thank you so much Jane!
You're so welcome, Nikita; I'm so glad this came at the right time. Don't ever second guess yourself - deep down in your heart, you always know the truth.
Sometimes thoughts come up, like "maybe i should have done this" , " maybe if i call him, then he Will come again" .... Bla bla . I am over him, but sometimes these thoughts come in my head, And i don t know why?
It" s been months! Sometimes i Find it hard to be selfconfident and to trust my instinct. How did you Find Your
Worth and most important, how did you kept it????
This article gave me more strength and yes i am worth it. I need someone who is on the Same page.
Thanks Jane
We've all been there, Maris; myself included, so know that you are not alone in thinking those thoughts, no matter how much time has passed. Getting over someone and letting go is really such an individual thing. I'm glad this helped confirm what you already know in your heart; sometimes we can never get enough reminders.
You are worth it, Mavis, worth so much more than what you've been through. But like everything we have to learn, it's a journey and learning and relearning takes time. You find your worth by living your life to its fullest, by getting to know your true self and remembering that love is your birthright- no matter who you are, where you've been or what you've come through. You find your worth by stretching yourself, by getting out and doing and being all that you never knew you could do or were capable of. By surrounding yourself by only supportive people and learning to say no to the rest. By setting your boundaries and refusing to commit to anyone any more than they are willing to commit to you. By learning to put yourself first - no, that's not being selfish - and letting others prove they are worthy of you, not the other way around. It's in learning to live with these principles, making them part of who you are, that that confidence comes until one day it becomes just a part of who you are.
And you keep it, my beautiful friend, by living from a place of abundance of all these things, not the scarcity that we've been led to believe exists. There is so much love around us if we can open our eyes to seeing it. And one day, when you least expect it, you will find a love more beautiful, more incredible than you ever imagined possible. It all begins with you!
Just last night I emailed the man I fell in love with on Facebook, a letter, asking him if I could have a second chance! funny that today I read your newsletter about same thing!
The man I met is in Brazil and I am in NYC, but I fell in love somehow, and hard. but he didn't come to NY for my March birthday the way he said he would, He seemed to just like to write me notes at night and have me reply and we sent each other many pictures of our homes and our lives, but I wanted to
Be with him, not just write. And I didn't ever find out if he wanted that , too. he sent me many emails saying he loves me and can't wait to meet me. but, as it says in your newsletter "did he say one thing but do something else?". YES!!! he said repeatedly he will come, but he didn't do it. I am heartbroken but I truly want a real relationship. So last night I emailed him, asking if we can just start over, get to know each other more, and see each other in person after a couple of months. I have decided I will not write to him again, now the ball is in his court. Please know that I do not expect to hear from him. If he wanted what I want, he would have been here two weeks ago for my birthday, Bit I want a man in my life so much
that I will not wait for him any more. If he wants me, he has to come here,or I will be starting a new search for my own Mr. .Right next week. Not easy, I cried all night, last night, but I made my decision, .this newsletter was spot-on, you really nailed it with great advice on what I am going through right this minute.
Wow, I hate to say it Adrienne but it sure sounds like several of the online dating relationships I have had. These guys say all the right things but when it gets right down to it they don't want anything but to use you. That can be in so many different ways too. The men I were involved with wanted money, sex, and who knows what else because I said no thank you when it got to that point and of course there was never any commitment of any kind.
I have now been blessed to find a man from an online site and I truly believe he is "the one." We have connected on so many levels it is amazing and he is kind and caring, honest and open. I know what I am getting with him unlike the others. I hope and pray my life and my future are finally going to stay in a positive place for the rest of my life. No, I am not a fool, I realize all relationships have ups and downs but when they are dragging you down that's the time to run the other direction!!!
So glad this resonated with you just when you needed it, Adrienne. It is never easy to let go of a dream, of the way you know it could be if only he was on the same page as you, but know that you are so doing the right thing here by refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve, no matter how heartbroken you are. There's nothing wrong with asking to start over and try again, Adrienne, because sometimes we need to find out in more than one way the true reality of where someone is really at. And this way, you will know.
Whatever his response, or lack of one, always remember that this isn't about you, my beautiful friend; this is about him and where he's at. You are still the same beautiful, loving, caring, wonderful woman that you were when you first got involved with him, and you still have so much to offer someone who is truly deserving of all that you are and all that you have to give. Know that in our tears we come to that place where we realize what really matters, and we find the strength to know we can do this, we can begin again with ourselves first, until our path crosses with that person who will be the one we were looking for all along, even if it seems so hard to believe right now.