If you are anything like I was back when I was single, you know exactly what your type is. You can spot him as soon as he walks in the room. He's got that certain look, that air of confidence, that vibe that calls you out like no one else in the room. And when the two of you finally talk, finally connect, it all becomes that much more obvious to you: This is it! He's the one! This is your guy! Usually sooner, rather than later. And then you're off, once again.
It starts off amazing, like nothing you've ever experienced before. He says all the things you've been waiting to hear, he does everything that you've been dreaming of, and you find yourself unable to do much of anything else except think of him. It doesn't matter that you barely know him or that you just met; those first blissful days and weeks have you convinced he's different from all the rest.
Except that it hasn't worked out quite the way it seemed. In spite of all its potential – all his potential – here you are once again. Alone and heartbroken wondering what's wrong with you. It was the same story, the same guy, just a different face and name. And even though you told yourself it was going to be different this time, it wasn't.
I have good news for you: It wasn't you. There isn't anything wrong with you. The problem is with who you're choosing, who you're attracted to and why you're attracted to him. Because the reality is this type you're so attracted to isn't working out for more than one reason.
These men you're attracting may seem like your type, but the reality is, they're not. You deserve so much more than the surface relationship they're offering you, based on all the bells and whistles but nothing of the substance that makes up a real relationship. You may think this is what you want, that he's the type who can give you what you're looking for if only he was ready for a commitment or on the same page as you, but the reality is, he's not there and he's not going to get there anytime soon, if ever.
You see, the real you isn't willing to settle for this one type that never works out. The real you knows that there is so much more to love and being in a relationship with someone than this! He isn't looking for the same things you are. This type wants so much less than you know in your heart you're worth! He may want the surface relationship without a commitment, but that isn't who you really are!
This type of guy you're so attracted to isn't real. He's based on a fantasy you have of what a relationship should be like and what happily-ever-after looks like from the fairytales, the movies and TV shows and romance novels we've been led to believe are real. But they're not. A real, committed relationship requires two real people who know the difference between fantasy and reality and aren't afraid to find out if this might be the relationship you've both been looking for!
Deep down inside, you know all this. Every time your type hasn't worked out, and you ask yourself what is wrong with you, your true self knows that this isn't about there being anything wrong with you; but about two people on two different pages who want different things. You can't make someone love you; you can't make someone change. What you can do is get to know yourself, the real you. And take a pass on the type that isn't working. Over time, you'll find yourself less attracted to this type that had such a hold on you before, and you'll learn that it's only when you're with someone real, who's on the same page as you, in a relationship based on the reality of what is, not what you know it could be if only he were different, that you'll get to that turning point where you'll find that relationship your heart has been longing for.
That, my beautiful friend is everything you deserve!
Real quick, just to say your article and insight is brilliant, Jane! Thank you for pinpointing what usually happens... And how we can break free of that previous mindset that kept us going and falling for the wrong types of guys... It takes faith, courage and persistence, but we can do it: let´s say next & get to our true love ; ) + Cheers to Rebecca
So true, Monica; it's that faith, courage and persistence that eventually get each one of us there on our own unique journey.
This is so true. I have been trying the online dating scene since December and have had some interesting people that I've interacted with. I know that as much as I wanted some of them to work out they really weren't right for me. As lonely as I am I had to say no and hope the future would hold someone better for me. I believe it has. I have "met" a guy on a site and we have been texting for over a month now. He is very kind and caring. Due to our schedules & a bit of distance our face to face meeting hasn't happened yet but this is good as it forces me to take it slow which is not my usual nature. I am hopeful that this relationship will be a positive one for both me & him. Time will tell.
It can be a lonely path saying no to what you know in your heart isn't enough for you, and yet trust yourself, Rebecca, knowing that it's so much lonelier saying yes to someone who isn't right for you and going against what you heart knows is best for the beautiful woman known as you! As you say, time will always tell, and if it's going to be a relationship that's everything you want it to be, slowing it down will never change that. What it will do is protect your heart and soul from being heartbroken as you get to know him over time and refuse to commit to him any more than he's committing to you!
I also met one guy who was working remotely, talkingvabout kids very early, it was attraction and relatinshioo. Even he was weird a bit. No one is perfect, if he is emotional doesnt mean he is good. Be careful. Enjoy in the moment , the fact he wants me so fast is that he was very lonely, I was too. He was digital nomad. We went to the trip together, he was very nervous often. I was always for him. He wanted me bt didnt knew what he wants....I wanted to say that if you feel or see that someone who is 40 or less, is not very stable, doesnt know what he wants move on, on time. Later he call less often. Want something then didnt send back. We needed to meet somewhere close, ok, the corona crisis and the money was one of the reason but its not a reason that he stopped to call or send messages every month. I am romantic too, but think well, everything looks perfect in.the begining, we can choose, no one would changed. He likes his freedom more, they all talk too much , the excuses later,,,,,no reason to not contact pwrson you adore. Just my example. He was alone, maybe he will come again later when he be alone again....think well and dont wait too long