It's what you want. The whole thing. The real deal. A fully committed relationship with him.
And yet here you are again, with another man who seems to be battling commitment phobia, settling for whatever he'll give because you've gone there once again. It might have started out innocently enough, with him acting and talking like he's on the same page as you. Or he might have come right out and told you he's not ready for anything serious, and yet you still believe that you and your love can change anyone. Either way, if it's a commitment you're looking for, no matter how amazing he seems, no matter how attractive he is, no matter how much he seems like everything you've been looking for in a man, the smartest thing you can do is hold onto your you and refuse to commit to him any more than he's committing to you.
The more attracted you are to him, the harder this is going to be for you. But just because there's that spark, that energy, that attraction you feel on so many levels, doesn't mean that he's the one for you or that he's looking for the same thing you are (read: a commitment). It only means that you are attracted to someone that you don't know very well yet, and you certainly don't know if he's on the same page as you when it comes to something as important to you as commitment.
A harsh reality.
I know; you don't want to hear this. You don't want me to burst your bubble like this. But the reality is that all too often we get our hearts involved so deeply, our emotions embroiled in someone who says and does all the right things, that we forget to bring our more practical thinking side with us. Because the reality is, you don’t know enough about him yet to make a decision about him. He hasn't shown you his true self. You don't know how much you have in common. You don't know if you're compatible with him in the truest sense of compatibility beyond the attraction and excitement stage. And most important of all, he hasn't proven himself to be worthy of you and all that you are and all that you have to offer!
The downward spiral.
But the problem is, once you've gone there, once you're in over your head and letting your emotions take over, it's too late. He'll know he's got you. He'll know he doesn't have to do much more to keep you. He'll know that he doesn't have to give you that level of commitment you really want to you to keep you in his life. He's gotten to know you well enough to know that you're the kind that's worth keeping around for when he is ready to commit to you. But that's not good enough for you! And it's not even close to what you deserve! And by then, you won't be able to get out. You'll be in so over your head, you'll have given so much of yourself away, that you won't be able to extricate yourself from him without a whole lot of heartbreak.
But it's changeable.
By keeping one single thought in mind from the very beginning that you first meet someone, or cast a glance in his direction.
Don't commit to him any more than he's committing to you.
So, if he's not willing to give you the kind of commitment that you know you want, this means:
- You don't give him your emotional or physical self.
- You don't make excuses for him.
- You don't wait for him.
- You don't put him on a pedestal.
- You don't give him any more time or energy than you give anyone else in your life.
The point is that you are meeting him where he is, you are accepting the reality of his lack of commitment for what it is, and you are living your life within that reality. You are pursuing your own interests, your own passions, and you are open to anyone who can give you the kind of committed relationship that you truly want. You realize that you are the one that's in control - it's your decision whether to stay or leave. You have the power to decide the fate of the relationship - you can stay and hedge your bets by keeping yourself open to other possible relationships, or you can leave at any time. Truly knowing this deep down in your heart, and living your life this way will give you the power and the confidence that you need to be the strong woman that you truly are.
You are powerful.
You can do this. I know you can. And in the process, you'll find out what he's really made of and whether he's really worth your you. And then, and only then, when he's committing to you first, before you go there, you'll find a relationship unequal to anything you've ever had before. But you'll never know, you'll never have the chance to find out what you have is with someone who is on the same page as you, until you demand nothing less from him and refuse to settle for anything less than that full commitment you really want.
And that, my beautiful friend, is everything you deserve!
Unfortunately when men and women don't say exactly what the want or need in a relationship so that they are being honest with each other they try to give what they think the other wants with no discussion leading to failure! We can be different love different things and share things we like but as long as we communicate this to one another it shouldn't be so hard? However, if we never know its just a big mess heading for disaster
Communication. Exactly, Thomasena. Thank you for contributing here.
NO. Why would you put someone else before your family, friends, hobbies, etc. I think that is a horrifically insane comment. You follow that advice, and you'll lose yourself. It's important to continue to stay who you are, and share those things with who you're with. Visa versa too.
I agree, too.
Reasons a decent guy won't commit (that aren't about sex):
1. Very few positive models of LTR - Why commit when every TV show depicts LTRs as an emasculating struggle? Why commit when half or more of the married folk we knew, including parents, are in bitter divorces?
2. Men are reluctant giving up our unique hobbies and interests to make room for hers. I have a friend who sold the guitar he owned since junior high at his woman's insistence, and watch her buy 15 small bed pillows no one ever uses.
3. Some guys are perpetually 23 years old. He goes drinking every Friday, his mom does his laundry, eats whatever, and stays up late. It's a good life for a guy...at 23. The only 23 year olds who really want marriage are ones who knocked up their girlfriends.
4. Relationships are HARD WORK and SCARY UNCERTAIN! Refer to #1-3. The perceived risk versus reward of relationships is weighed for risk.
How do know he is at least wants to commit? If he puts you first, before his family, friends, hobbies, etc. Then you must overcome his fears and insecurities, but that's whole other topic. I had them all and more, but when my love came into my life, she smashed all of that to pieces within a matter of months. Don't give up, don't take crap, and remember love hits everyone unexpectedly.
Interesting thoughts, TJB; always insightful to hear from a male perspective. 🙂
I could not agree more with this post! "Don't commit to him any more than he's committing to you" - this is how I view any relationship, whether in the early or serious stages. I don't believe in the stereotype that every woman wants to commit and every man wants to do the opposite - it works both ways - but every relationship requires both parties to be on the same page otherwise you'll never move forward. If the person you're in a relationship with/dating doesn't want to commit to you, then why commit to them? Things may change at some point, but the main thing is that you both move with those changes at the same pace! Great article Jane!
Thank you, Alex; I love how you put this! 🙂
Jim
As Jane says " Take a second glance at the man who might be in front of you", or in this case the man behind me. Please dont become one of those bad guys just to attract a female who is not sure of what she wants anyway. You sound like a really nice guy to me and id like to say that there are plenty of ladies who have tried the bad guys and been burnt and now know the difference and do want a loving respectful relationship. All the best.
What to do with a commitment phobe? LEAVE HIM! There are plenty of nice guys out there who would love to commit to a nice lady............. OOPS!!! Sorry, I used the NG words again - "Nice Guy"....... I know, translated nerdy and boring. I know, I know........ I'm one of those nerdy boring nice guys who can never get a date. I guess it's because I do all those nerdy boring things that nice guys do, like get a decent education followed by a decent career, followed by really nerdy and boring activities like scuba diving in Truk, skiing in Gstaad, river rafting the Tamur, shopping in Haru-Juku, or just taking in a lazy nerdy boring afternoon on Cleopatra's beach in Alanya.
I know, I know........... FAR to nerdy and boring for any bad-boy loving female..........
I have a post in the works that you're really going to enjoy, Jim, about those so-called "nerdy and boring" men just like you say you are. And in the meantime, ladies, if you haven't already taken a second glance at the man who might be right in front of you, I would always encourage you to do so. You never know what you might find with a fresh set of eyes. 🙂
Jim, don't fret! Believe me, most women really do want a nice guy -especially one who doesn't seem to mind reading /thinking about this kind of stuff, who is responsible re job, etc., yet has enough confidence and sense of adventure to go out and do those really cool activities you described! Unfortunately, it sometimes takes us time to learn what is really worth seeking in this life.
Hi Jim and all ladies.
Being a good guy, great man or nice guy has nothing to do with Job, status money or an education or even Hobbies.
Being a commitment guy and a GOOD man is measured/judged and classed by how they treat women and people in general. A man and womans' word must reflect their actions.
All those activities Jim has written about are great, we all have our interests hobbies and habits yet if a Women or a man does not treat their partner right, then that's what differentiates them from sincere folks.
I like nice guy nothing wrong with that. To Jim. Yes there are women that like nice guys.
CHEERS Jane for another enlightening post.If the person you are dating values you in their life then they will be willing to take the relationship to the next level. If they dont you need to have some friends , your self respect and one foot out the door.We ladies need to know what we want in a relationship and then dont settle for less.
So true, Ann; I couldn't have said this better myself!