You know exactly what I'm talking about here.
Because you've been down this path far too many times before. Of course you thought you could make someone love you. Haven't we all been there?
You, too believed, in spite of what everyone told you, that you could actually change his heart.
And no matter how much you knew deep in your heart you that it shouldn't be like this, you kept trying. Because you believed in miracles and you believed in love and you believed in the power of love to make the impossible possible.
Because that's what makes you so uniquely you.
Your beautiful ability to dream.
And hope. And try even harder. And believe.
And refuse to give up. And that's also why you feel so deep, why you fall so hard, and why your heart can be broken so easily.
A song playing in the background brings it all back.
I don't know who's singing it until I look it up, but it's a song I remember all too well. A different artist, a different time, but the same haunting words. It was I Can't Make You Love Me, this particular version by Adele.
After it was all over, after I finally accepted what I could no longer fight or try to change. After everything was said and done and I walked off the airplane, arriving back somewhere that I used to call home, feeling like I had just died and lost everything that I had been living for. It was finally over.
Almost twenty years ago this week, the memory of it all still comes back to me as I recall the events that led up to that.
I had stayed far, far too long. After three blissful months feeling like I had met the man of my dreams, everything suddenly changed. I was no longer a priority, I was no longer anything more than a convenience, and I would begin a journey of accepting what little crumbs I received in order to be with him in the name of love.
Because I believed it was just a matter of time before he would be ready, before he would miss what had been and he would want it to be like that again. So for two more years, I would stay with him, holding onto hope, showing him all that I was, all that life with me would be like, proving my worth, proving my worthiness, believing that I could make him love me.
Until one day, it all came crashing down around me.
That single last straw event that ensured my heart and soul could no longer deny that this was happening, and the words that slipped out, my strongest words ever to him, sealed the relationship's end.
Even though for a long time I knew it was time to let go, every part of me knew it but I just couldn't bear the thought of being alone. Of giving up. Of accepting that I couldn't make him love me. But now it was really happening.
With a kiss goodbye at the airport and a promise that when things were different, I'd be the first to know, it all came shattering down around me.
And there, as the snow was falling outside, as the reality of what had happened started to sink in, and a sadness like I had never felt before washed over me, a song I had heard many times before that night, took on a whole new meaning. I couldn't make him love me.
No matter how much I had tried, how perfect I had tried to be, how much I had tried to show him I was everything he was looking for, it hadn't worked. My love hadn't been enough. I couldn't make him love me.
It's your turn, my beautiful friend.
It's time to stop putting yourself through this. It's time to stop settling like this for so much less than you deserve, all in the hope of a love that doesn't exist with this particular man no matter how much you want to believe he's different and that love conquers all.
It only works when it's real love, between two people who both want the same thing out of the relationship. On the same page. At the same point of readiness for each other. He's not a bad guy, he's just not the one for you, as much as you've convinced yourself that he is.
It's about falling in love with his potential again.
It's everything you see beyond the surface of what is. But this isn't anyway to live. This isn't really even about him; it's about you.
This attraction, this magnetic pull you have to him that keeps you staying, keeps you holding onto him no matter how he's treating you; this is about your stuff and your history and your patterns.
It's time to stop looking at him, and focus instead on you; on that beautiful woman known as you. With so much to offer, so much inside. This proving to someone your worth; this showing someone how perfect a girlfriend or wife or partner you would make – this is so not what this is all about. Not what you're all about.
If he doesn't see it, he doesn't see it.
Don't waste one minute more of your time or energy doing this! Don't you see? When it's right, when you're with someone who's truly meant for you, you don't have to prove anything! He sees. He knows. Without you doing anything except being your beautiful, radiant, confident self – the real you.
And that, my sweet, well-meaning friend with so many good intentions, is the way it's meant to be. You deserve nothing less than this!
How about you, Beautiful? Do you have a similar story? Share it with us in the comments below!
10 months ago I started seeing a man that I thought hung the moon I guess- he said all the right things and truly put energy into being with me - I should add that he’s going through a bad divorce- like 2 months ago he ghosted me - it blew me away - just a week before he was here with me talking and being with me and then out of the blue he’s gone - no explanation - I tried asking him to tell me why but he wouldn’t- I should add that I am an empath and of course I took on every emotion and feeling he has- it’s horrible not knowing if he left because he just didn’t want me or because of the energy it’s taking for his nasty divorce- I usually am able to cry it out and then be fine but this one I can’t shake!! Any advice would be appreciated!!!
You can't shake it because you've taken it all on you! Give him back every single one of those emotions and feelings he couldn't handle himself but managed to leave you putting on you. You're a beautiful empathic soul, Robin, not to be confused with a dumping ground for someone so incapable of handling their own stuff. I'm sure he's a sensitive, sweet guy with all the potential in the world somewhere under there, but it's not your role here to fix him or figure it out for him - no matter how much potential you can see! Whatever his reasoning, it doesn't matter. This is just a taste of what the future would hold and it's not a pretty one with a guy who can't communicate well enough to give you something when he's breaking your heart. And for the record, he can't tell you why because he doesn't actually know the reason himself. Nurture and nourish yourself. This is self-care time for you. Take as much time as you need for those tears to wipe away all of what you've been taking on that was never yours to carry. The birds are still singing, the sun is still shining somewhere, it's a new day!
I did 2 life sentences with my ex husband! 40 years with a psychopath and DV in every sense of the word a Clinical and Forensic councillor told me! 5 years on I realise I am still too nice. Not really been in a relationship since. It’s my heart’s desire to be in an equal loving relationship but I attract the “bad man” or I am attracted to them.
Currently seeing a younger man but on his terms; meaning I am lucky if I see him once a week and then I don’t know until the last minute. Its not a sexual relationship yet and I am now seeing signs that resonate how it was in my marriage. They deprive you of what a marriage or a relationship should be like and thus control you. But I alway see the good .. not now ... I have been thinking about not continuing with current situation, and even though I have strong feelings for him, I am going to make plans and not be available all the time.
I want the real thing before I go to God. Never had it!
22 years ago, after my divorce from my first husband, I met this man that I fell deeply in love with. We were together for three years until I finally ended it because of his actions and horrible words towards me. A year and a half later I married someone else that I loved and felt safe and secure with in this marriage lasted for 16 years. But throughout all these years I was still deeply in love with the man I met 22 years before. My second marriage ended and this man contacted me through social media and we ended up back together again. All These years I was still very much in love with him. The relationship lasted only nine months and I knew that I had to end it again for the final time. At the beginning of this Second time around I thought for sure he had changed and I thought for sure that he really loved me like he said he had for 22 years. But he lied and all of his true colors started to show again. I’m sure that I will always have a place in my heart for him but I do know the truth is that he will never love me the way that I loved him. I have moved on with my life and I have found my wings once again and I am learning how to fly once again. I don’t know if I will ever find the true love that I desire and that I deserve. But I do know as I move forward with my journey I will be looking for it in every space on this earth.
Similar story... glad you saw the true colors... took me three years and I am just now... in fact just yesterday letting go... staying strong trying to love me again and the ones who truly care for me. It’s hard to get back to me after I’ve been just living his life and trying to prove I’m worthy but now I want to just be and not prove to anyone that I’m worth having... I want to just live and breath and not be under his thumb any longer. Good luck to you and I don’t know you but just wanted to say you are beautiful
Hi I read your story, and it was if I had written it myself, I thought if I treated him like a king showed him kindness compassion and love then he would have to love me, it turns out he isn’t capable of love, so although I hurt now it has shown me what I do want and I’m worth more than what I was going to settle for with him, I started to change just to suit him, but one day I realised this is not how true love should be so I ended it, I’ll find someone to love me for who I am till then I’ll love me
Sometimes God ends it for us by taking him. That happened to,me. He had ASPD, incapable of love among other things. No matter what I did for him or how hard I tried, it wss never enough. He couldn't help it, his mental state was genetic, no empathy, conscience, feelings, just an empty soul, addict. He tried to get piece, fulfillment from drugs, booze and it just made things worse for himself. He passed away in his sleep about 8 months ago.
Hi Margaret,
I just say your story and was deeply moved. I am so sorry for you- and for him. It must have been a very difficult way to live life. I hope you are managing as best you can and that you have love and support around you. Life is definitely an unknown story and it never stops teaching us, sometimes in ways that are so painful and difficult but we must hope that it makes us more prepared for the next chapter.
My best to you
I am not one to comment on things but I read a lot. Your stuff has inspired me and really helped me and I am going to try my best to put what you have said into practice. already in reading this I have realised I am actually an awesome person and if he can't see it then he is not the one for me. My story is 9 years long and very complicated, so I won't go into detail but just know that you guys have given me hope and comfort and the strength to let go of someone who doesn't deserve me and everything I have to offer. I have always been his back up girl, not his first choice. I deserve to be someones first choice! and I am going to find myself, set my standards and not compromise for any man ever again. Thank you for your help.
And that's exactly what you deserve, Sandy, and nothing less! I'm so inspired by your words here, and for you to reach out like this and stand so strong, so true to yourself and what you know in your heart is exactly what you deserve is so beautiful to see! Go find yourself, set your standards, and compromise for no man no matter how familiar that pull may be, no matter how much you want to believe it will be different this time. Crumbs are still crumbs.
It can and will be different, but only if you have someone who is on your page, who wants the same thing as you do with you, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. You're not here to convince anyone of your worth, Sandy; someone who's truly right for you will see this for himself and never ever treat you like a back-up girl. You are worth so much more than this!
Sounded like my story, 10 years for me. Finally left 3 weeks ago and I have never felt this kind of pain ever! Things will get better. Sonetimes God has to break your heart to save your soul😔
we often fall in love with the fantasy of him. and the worst mistake is to try to change that person!
i have been through this situation. tried my best, prayed day n night for him to commit. at the end he left me. dint even bothered to call me. lol. i made a fool of myself. guys, they strat giving us red flags from the beginning. its us who refuse to see them, thinking that somehow miracle would happen and we would be able to change them. its better to let it go of the person who starts giving red flags from the initial stage than to waste time waiting him to change and commit.
but what if when the situation is reverse. when a guy feels committed and you only consider him as a good friend. no matter how hard he tries to win your heart, no matter how hard you try to fall in love with him but you fail to develop that "special" feeling for him? what should you do then? let him know and break his heart or pretend just because you don't want to hurt him?
It's always best to be honest with someone, Sonal, and the earlier the better so that they are free to find someone who is on the same page as they are, and so that you are also freed to do the same. We've all been there, on both sides, and if we realize this isn't about trying to make anyone love us or convince them to give us another chance or stay when they're not there on their own, we would both ourselves and them so much time and energy wasted on the wrong people for us. It's when we remember that it works both ways - that we don't choose everyone who chooses us - we can stop taking so much of this so personally. It never is! It's all about reality checks, finding out more about who's right - and who's not a fit - for us!
happy new year to you! I don't know why you sent me this on the last day of my "Annus Horribilis" but thank you! It was what I needed to start anew in 2013, new life for me, the unique person I am and stop the destroying pattern!
Merci Beaucoup!!
Island girl
And Happy New Year to you, too, Catharina! I'm so glad to hear this resonated with you. You deserve nothing less than the best life and love have to offer you and it all begins when we figure out how to change those destructive patterns that take away from our light and love and happiness 🙂
Hi Jane
I want to wish you a very blessed and joyful new year. I also want to tell you that i just love your thoughts . It is truly empowering to realize that in fact we hold the key to our happiness in our own hand and nobody can make us feel needy and desperate unless we allow them to do so. Your posts always seem to speak to me personally and magically arrive at a point of time when i need to hear those words. Thanks for helping me find myself .
love and blessing
Lin
Thank you, Lin; and the very same to you, my sweet friend. I'm so glad to hear that these thoughts and words that come to me resonate so much with you. And thank you for sharing this with me; it inspires me to know just how much I can help 🙂